To want my teen to have a friendlier attitude?

[ShabbyChic999]

I'd love some advice please. My DS1 is 15 and used to be a gorgeous friendly outgoing boy. Now he is sullen and unfriendly to us and to our friends or extended family.

He's an unusual boy but has a great group of friends. When I say "unusual" I mean his hobbies are Dungeons and Dragons, Magic the Gathering and other niche board games and card games (aswell as regular video gaming). He's well behaved in terms of the fact he works hard at school work and doesn't look for big ways to rebel.......no way he'd go out drinking or anything like that, in fact his weekend socialising consists of getting together with his group for one of their boardgame or card game sessions around the table. He just seems to have no time for talking to anyone who doesn't interest him though. He walks around the house with his earbuds in most of the time listening to podcasts 😢 So he basically shuts us all out. At times we do ban the earbuds (obviously meals) and it can sometimes be possible to draw him out to a lively debate if we can hit upon a topic of his interest but otherwise he'll sit in silence. We have one other child and they get on ok but don't have much in common.

My main concern is how awkward he is socially, we had family over last weekend and he just grunted a bit not looking them in the eye and then disappeared upstairs. I'm wondering how I can encourage him to try, persuade him or bribe him or what?!?!? My brother is good with him as he ignores the unfriendly front and just starts chatting and they have lengthy debates about history or politics! But most of the family will just politely ask how he's getting on and I think he just isn't interested to engage and not polite enough to go along with it. He just totally ignores his little cousins. I get so sad when I think of how chatty and friendly he used to be, I thought the initial teen angst would pass but think I need to take action as it's going on 2 years now...

I think just pull him up on it every time. Then and there. Ask him for a word outside and get him told. You're being really rude. Grandma (or whoever) came all this way to see us and you're ignoring her. It hurts her feelings and it's unacceptable. A bit of polite conversation won't kill you, now grow up.

Teenagers tend to me hostile. Mine is . Although I would pull him on rudeness.

Yeah and i Want world peace and to win the lottery. Neither of those will happen either.

you know that 15YOs are sullen and think Adults are lame and embarrassing don’t you? I bet you did too!

I wouldn’t tolerate outright rudeness but cut the lad some slack. He sounds perfectly fine.

BitOutOfPractice · Today 09:49
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Yeah and i Want world peace and to win the lottery. Neither of those will happen either.
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you know that 15YOs are sullen and think Adults are lame and embarrassing don’t you? I bet you did too!
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I wouldn’t tolerate outright rudeness but cut the lad some slack. He sounds perfectly fine”

This.

He doesn't sound unusual, he sounds like he engages actively and perfectly pleasantly with what interests him - what kind of an effort does anyone who is not your brother make to engage with his interests?

I have dc who span that age and have a lovely relationship with them, but it is largely focussed around their interests (including D&D!). You could try reaching out into his world a bit more, you might find he reacts very positively.

I've got one exactly the same although not into dungeons and dragons. They come out the other side, I promise. I went through it with an older DS so I know.

Either ignore or pull them up. If my DS grunts at me, I say "excuse me, I can't hear you" until he speaks properly. If he doesn't mind his manners, I say "what do we say?" In a sing song voice until he says please/thank you.

But do not waste any energy fretting about this. This is par for the course. Of course some parenting genius will be along in a minute do say how their teen doesn't do this but this is text book behaviour.

This. You lay out expectations for them. So for mine they would be told family is visiting and they are not looking for one word answers and no way would I accept any grunting as a reply for anything. Ds2 is also massively into DnD, MTG etc but he still engages in conversation because he has been taught that social interactions are back and forth, clearly he can do this with friends. We also watch tv shows together (Reacher is the latest one) so they have a connection to us.

It is rude to ignore people and he needs to be told that there will be consequences for his behaviour just like if he did this at school ie ignored a teacher.

I hate this assumption that teens are just moody bastards and yet somehow seem to be very capable of being quite lovely and lively with their friends. They get phones, internet connection, lifts etc but this is dependent on behaviour and this was drilled into mine from a young age, chores done, help with gardening, shopping unpacking etc and politeness.

Every time you criticise him about it, do you think this gives him feelings that make him want to engage with you socially, or the opposite?

Pretty normal. Good that uncle has the measure of how to engage with him. Little cousins are a lost cause.
He will come out of the other side. Accept the grunt and let him pass.

I'm not sure why you describe him as unusual - lots of folk have similar hobbies, lots of folk wear earbuds/earphones, lots of folk like their own space. He might well simply be an introvert, and may possibly be sensitive to annoying background noise.
He also seems to have a friend group, which makes life as a teen so much better.

Let him grow, develop, become who he is, instead of who you want him to be.

I’m generalising but it’s normal and will pass. Teens are self centred most of the time. If we are expecting to see people that are going to ask them ‘boring’ questions I remind them to be polite and ask the other person a question that requires a lengthy answer so they don’t have to do much talking.

My 17 year old is on the other side of this mostly but has just finished A level mocks and applied to uni. Despite me telling all the older relatives and extended family this, they will all ask the same questions, which the teen knows they know they answer to. The teen just wants to relax and have two weeks off school mentally but all the questions will be about that. No-one will ask about their D&D game character, questions non- school related will be ‘what presents did you get?’ Teen will say concert tickets and computer games. No one will ask about the games or concerts. Conversation is a two way thing and very few people know how to converse with a teen. No wonder they get pissed off.

Sounds like a totally normal 15-year-old boy to me.

Sending you lots of sympathy, my teen is fine with extended family and other people but to those who live with her there is a lot of sarcasm and eye rolling and general disdain. Really hard when her cousin of the same age is so lovely to her mum. Not much advice but I think being kind but firm and trying not to have too much conflict is a good starting place.

I think it's normal...I hope it is because my son is exactly the same. He was such a sweet, chatty, sociable little boy. He's 15 now... barely speaks to us. Barely says hello if family come round. He is well behaved at school thankfully!

I was thinking back on how I was at that age and I was similar (interest was horses and now I think back of all the relatives trying to make conversation and me just shrugging or giving a yes no answer). I have one of those too op, and an opposite one too, the only one in our house that starts conversations with relatives etc and it’s so difficult not to compare them so I try not to but I do pull the grunty one up as someone said before or try to steer conversation so he might possibly get talking. I’ve also started taking an interest in what he does (sit and watch YouTube etc, or fortnite updates) but being careful not to be on top of him all the time. I’d also recommend the odd board game night or movie night and more visitors sometimes? Your brother sounds like a godsend and maybe he should be about more if possible?;) Sorry just throwing stuff out there to see what sticks, am totally with you op, total solidarity

🤣🤣

i wouldnt worry OP. He is a teenager.

i have a 15 and 14 yrs old girls. They are as adorable as annoying and rude. And I firmly believe this too shall pass.

pull him up on it rudeness, reming him he can engage with adults as they dont bite, and engage with him on his hobbies.
for me is their team sports, their friends and the bloody skincare routines. I could open a beauty salon with how much they have - and I am girly but not as much as them 🤣🤣🤣

good luck and poor your yourself a cuppa or a glass of vino.

merry Christmas

Excuse the typo *pour yourself 🫣

Tbh he sounds like a typical teen.

YABVU to describe him as unusual. Loads of teens are into those type of things. What effort do you name to engage in what he’s interested in?
Set expectations if family come over, he’s old enough to be polite to family if if he’s rather being doing something else.
Try playing some games board/video with him!!

I remember vividly being a teenager. It's such a confusing time. I wanted to be nice to people, but I was just filled with feelings, anger, hormones, that I didn't understand. People telling me to 'be nice' just make me angrier.

They come out of it.

Yep mine is the same! Gets me down sometimes though I must admit. I pre warn him now before we have visitors to remember his manners.

MASSIVE thanks and good wishes to all of you - each of you are making me feel a lot better. It can seems sometimes that everyone elses's teens are so mature and together and I get sad to see my surly lad who I know has so much more to him!!! I think I need to be more firm on not accepting rudeness but at the same time understanding that he is a normal teen plus the ideas about me being more interested in his hobbies are sound - it's a world I don't understand and have not tried to.

On the point of him being unusual, I suppose just when I look at my DS2, he is more of a regular guy's guy, into every sport, very outgoing and gets on with everyone, just easier to understand. I love DS1's hidden depths but it's harder to deal with

He actually sounds like many autistic teen boys I know who don’t for the classic autism criteria and who present like girl who mask. They type that used to called Asperger’s. My teen girl is the same. Ear buds in all the time as she likes to filter out the mixes of noise and just listen to one thing. Socially awkward and can’t make small talk. My mum gets annoyed with the earbuds however I let her be. Sometimes she’s listening to things and sometimes she just has them in for the quiet. She’s ok at the dinner table with just one conversation to follow but when the family gets together and has many conversations on the go she struggles as she can’t keep up with one conversation with the background noise of others. She will retreat to a safe space often. She’s bright academically. She’s not a gamer but lots of boys and many girls do have gaming as their special interest as there are fixed social rules within the game which can be learned. She has her own special interests which are more typically female (musical theatre, special collections she buys). My daughter is diagnosed but nearly wasn’t as to most people she comes across as ‘normal’ but when you know the subtleties they’re easy to spot. Most people assume autistic people have poor behaviour etc but not all do. Not everyone wants a diagnosis either. I know many parents who know their child is autistic but have never gone down the diagnosis route as they don’t want a label. I also know many adults now seeking a diagnosis as an answer to why they present differently to others and it can help with identity. I’m not diagnosing the OP’s child but from experiences with teen boys and no present like he does then this can often explain things.

He doesn’t sound hostile, he sounds shy. What can the average 15 yr old boy say to adults without feeling a bit daft? As long as he’s polite, let him go back to his games. My ds wouldn’t have had a clue how to play with young cousins, whether he liked them or not. He was always polite but would rather die than have to initiate anything. Now he’s 24 he’s quite different, well liked,
loves kids and does his best in conversation although he’s still shy. 15 is a very tricky age and all you really need to know is your ds good friends, the rest will follow.

With our two we had 50% twat 50% normal. Our youngest (17) is fine, the eldest (22) was a bit of a twat from 14 to 16/17 and then started to come out the other side into being normal.