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Original poster

To want my teen to have a friendlier attitude?

56 replies

ShabbyChic999 · 20/12/2023 09:42

I'd love some advice please. My DS1 is 15 and used to be a gorgeous friendly outgoing boy. Now he is sullen and unfriendly to us and to our friends or extended family.

He's an unusual boy but has a great group of friends. When I say "unusual" I mean his hobbies are Dungeons and Dragons, Magic the Gathering and other niche board games and card games (aswell as regular video gaming). He's well behaved in terms of the fact he works hard at school work and doesn't look for big ways to rebel.......no way he'd go out drinking or anything like that, in fact his weekend socialising consists of getting together with his group for one of their boardgame or card game sessions around the table. He just seems to have no time for talking to anyone who doesn't interest him though. He walks around the house with his earbuds in most of the time listening to podcasts 😢 So he basically shuts us all out. At times we do ban the earbuds (obviously meals) and it can sometimes be possible to draw him out to a lively debate if we can hit upon a topic of his interest but otherwise he'll sit in silence. We have one other child and they get on ok but don't have much in common.

My main concern is how awkward he is socially, we had family over last weekend and he just grunted a bit not looking them in the eye and then disappeared upstairs. I'm wondering how I can encourage him to try, persuade him or bribe him or what?!?!? My brother is good with him as he ignores the unfriendly front and just starts chatting and they have lengthy debates about history or politics! But most of the family will just politely ask how he's getting on and I think he just isn't interested to engage and not polite enough to go along with it. He just totally ignores his little cousins. I get so sad when I think of how chatty and friendly he used to be, I thought the initial teen angst would pass but think I need to take action as it's going on 2 years now...

OP posts:
gannett · 23/12/2023 13:19

He sounds like an extremely normal teenager.

I'm wondering how I can encourage him to try, persuade him or bribe him or what?!?!? My brother is good with him as he ignores the unfriendly front and just starts chatting and they have lengthy debates about history or politics!

You literally answer your question in the next sentence. Your brother hasn't stumbled on some magic trick. He's just treating your son like an adult with views he's interested in. That's essentially what teenagers want and it's not hard to provide. On the other hand you seem to want him to stay like a child, which is what you mean be "chatty and friendly".

Vonesk · 23/12/2023 13:20

You really don't realise how fortunate you are to have this going on.
You see, I'm a parent of grown ups, and I'm also interested in human behaviour, so I'm a people watcher. I've met lots of different kinds of people in my life and love reading. And it's like this my dear: The WORSE adolescence seems to be, then the most normal the child. Crazy isn't it!!!!!
So that's why , you are lucky.
I won't talk about my personal experience with anyone else because I don't want to offend.

BibbleandSqwauk · 23/12/2023 13:39

Why don't you ask him to teach you how to play Magic? It's not hard, just sort of complicated top trumps. Or his uncle? As others have said, try and show a little interest in his thing? Magic and D&D are huge "worlds" with massive scope. Could you watch the recent D&D film with him and ask about the various character types, spells and monsters which are all parts of the actual game?
My DS is not dissimilar but his obsession is absolute shite YouTube shorts of people acting like twats and opening FIFA packs. It's v difficult to construct any sort of meaningful interaction around that but your son's interests actually have a lot of scope.

NancyJoan · 23/12/2023 14:06

He sounds shy and introverted and, yes, a little awkward. None of those are negatives. My DS is the same. Making a big deal about it won’t help.

InstantDestiny · 23/12/2023 14:10

He sounds very normal.

I had one like this (he’s actually ASC) he fucked off to uni, got his head down, didn’t go out on the lash as it didn’t interest him and came home with a first class honours degree.

The other night we spent the evening decorating the Christmas Tree together and had a right old laugh, he has a very dark, very funny sense of humour and he cracks me up.

He will come out the other side.

Presterjohn71 · 23/12/2023 14:12

Wow, I had no idea such parental ignorance could exist in this day and age. He's 15! Everything about him is bouncing about on an almost molecular level. His body and mind are changing so rapidly you are lucky he's not running around the house screaming all the time.

Mapletreelane · 23/12/2023 14:17

Completely normal. DS is 16 now and coming out the other side, and I see glimpses of a pleasant young man.

I realise now that Kevin the teenager wasn't a Harry Enfield comedy sketch. It was a real life documentary about teenage boys.

Kaleidoscopeofbutterflies · 23/12/2023 15:14

I have three teenage Grandsons who are like this.. all ASD.. Will talk all day about their interests or with their peers..
I wouldn't have them any other way.

Philandbill · 23/12/2023 15:29

My friend claims she doesn't know when her son's voice broke as he only grunted for three years... He's in his twenties now and a sociable and productive member of the community 😀

RLA1 · 28/12/2023 19:09

We have on of those. He went up to University (London) as a normal outgoing type and returned 3 years later as opinionated, gay, and veggie and behaved exactly as your son. We tried to bring him back to our version of 'society' and failed. And as he explained 'why does he have to conform to our way of thinking'? He does his own thing, doesn't harm anyone and seems happy enough. So we stopped trying. Were all happier that way

Jomasell · 28/12/2023 19:10

My 17 yr old went thro the ignore everyone and live in his room from 14 to 16 but now hes come out of it and engages more although still has periods of "youre all doing my head in" and storms off. He does have older sibs that are adults (36,35, 32, 29 amd 21) so their input may have encouraged him to be more approachable now. He also was sociable enough to play footy for a team, but for a while there I was head in hands. He may come through over time. Teens are rotten.

HulaChick · 28/12/2023 19:15

If a teenager is sullen or rude, they absolutely need to be pulled up on it! Just because they're teenagers is not an excuse. None of us as teenagers were rude & sullen like that to wider family & guests, nor are my children or nephews. If we were rude at all, we would soon be told. My children have been brought up to be polite and chat to adults / family. If I were you, I would limit massively his time on screens and get him to be involved in family stuff & a not let him be able to have his ear buds in all the time. He's only 15 and should know how to behave. I get it that he can be rude & grumpy but it should be immediately pulled up on and he should be told it's not acceptable to behave like that. It sounds as though he's become unhealthily immersed in online gaming which is a curse in itself. 'Real' life seems to be getting much rarer these days.

Edit - this is purely a response to "all teenagers are rude & sulken", as all are not, although all certainly are at some stage but it shouldn't be brushed aside or ignored just because they're teenagers. Sorry, I realise this probably sounds pompous but I'm trying to do a million things at once and hate typing on my phone..

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 28/12/2023 19:20

Awww - it's pretty normal and he'll get over it! Definitely pull him up on any outright rudeness, but be understanding about the monosyllabic teen grunts. I have a geeky 15yo ds too, who can be socially awkward, though he's fine with us.

Nothingelsetobedoing · 28/12/2023 19:21

I could have written this about my son a year ago. He’s 16 now. During lockdown and for a time after he was exactly as you describe except his life was spent gaming.

I have real empathy for you, and him. It’s a really difficult time.

To be honest I didn’t haul him over the coals about it. Didn't chastise him. Didn’t make him feel guilty about it. Perhaps I should have but he was clearly quite unhappy.

Fast forward a couple of years and we have a light at the end of the tunnel. He got a part time job, a girlfriend and his hormones have settled down a bit. People have commented on how much more relaxed he seems.

He still struggles with certain people and if he doesn’t like someone he won’t engage with them.

So no real advice but my experience is that it’s a tricky phase but it will pass. Slowly but surely.

Echobelly · 28/12/2023 19:30

I think it's a very common teenage phase for both boys and girls - just sort of grunting and avoiding people and being awkward for at least a year some time between 13-16 but they tend to come out of the other side by 16ish. I think kids that age often feel awkward and out of sorts and not sure how to interact with people now they're not a cute little kid but also not quite an adult.

Tittiesthattouchmytors · 28/12/2023 20:35

Teens innit.

MrsAKB · 28/12/2023 21:55

I haven't read other replies so have no idea what others have said (will try to read a few in a mo) but my daughter is same age and there are lots of similarities (especially the ear buds), I'm really struggling at the mo. Have actually spent afternoon sobbing because I've told her to remain at her dad's until she can change her behaviour to be less mean-spiritted! Starting to feel like she takes the pee big time. I'm told it's their age. Xxx

mambojambodothetango · 28/12/2023 22:25

My 3 nephews are all delightfully sociable and enjoy chatting with us and playing with our younger DC when we see them. Their parents have always expected and modelled the behaviour they expect and they have succeeded. Sure they're normal teens and will eventually slope off or look at their phones but only after a decent amount of time engaging with people. I think OP's son sounds pretty good really and the family member who persists in engaging with him obviously gets results. I agree, keep expecting it and it will come. Maybe not just yet but it will.

Bexter76 · 28/12/2023 22:46

Teen brains are going through huge neurological changes at this stage and, as annoying as it is, it's entirely normal behaviour. Reminders about manners and engaging all help but unfortunately this is a stage he biologically needs to go through.

Stephenra · 28/12/2023 23:56

Sounds perfectly normal to me. I would warmly recommend Blame My Brain by Nicola Morgan. It explains the mechanisms and behaviour of the teen brain without any technical jargon and it's very funny. It will put your mind at rest. I found it hilarious that my friend's teenage daughter often quoted this book when arguing with her mum.

Maray1967 · 28/12/2023 23:58

MissyB1 · 20/12/2023 10:52

Yep mine is the same! Gets me down sometimes though I must admit. I pre warn him now before we have visitors to remember his manners.

Show quote history

Same here with my 15 year old.

Fortunately his older brother is out the other side now (23).

Defaultsettings · 29/12/2023 09:06

RLA1 · 28/12/2023 19:09

We have on of those. He went up to University (London) as a normal outgoing type and returned 3 years later as opinionated, gay, and veggie and behaved exactly as your son. We tried to bring him back to our version of 'society' and failed. And as he explained 'why does he have to conform to our way of thinking'? He does his own thing, doesn't harm anyone and seems happy enough. So we stopped trying. Were all happier that way

i would think that he was gay before university but didn’t have the courage to tell you in case you ‘tried to bring him back to your version of society’

Flyhigher · 29/12/2023 11:23

It stops a bit at 16. Still think he needs family members his age to talk to. Or encourage one friend to come home when family descend.
Also maybe play games with family. Line charades etc. or guessing games.

Flyhigher · 29/12/2023 11:25

I have not coped with my teen doing this at all.
I wasn't like this. I was desperate to talk to anyone. Also. I could chat a bit and move on and also cuddle little cousins. Boys are different.
He will snap out of it. Keep yourself sane in the meantime.

Nomagicflute · 30/12/2023 07:32

He sounds great. Especially when you hear concerns of other teenagers parents and what they're up to. We're all different and it's possible he's very introverted or autistic or just doesn't like small talk or is a teenager.

I would try not to wish to change him. He's not something to be fixed. I'd just go for a few basic polite things like you need to say hello to relatives explain why.

When I was a teenager I'd get the opposite... you talk too much etc... it can seem like nothing is 'right'.

I'd try to talk to him about things that interest him but also accept he's not a big talker.