To want my teen to have a friendlier attitude?

[ShabbyChic999]

I'd love some advice please. My DS1 is 15 and used to be a gorgeous friendly outgoing boy. Now he is sullen and unfriendly to us and to our friends or extended family.

He's an unusual boy but has a great group of friends. When I say "unusual" I mean his hobbies are Dungeons and Dragons, Magic the Gathering and other niche board games and card games (aswell as regular video gaming). He's well behaved in terms of the fact he works hard at school work and doesn't look for big ways to rebel.......no way he'd go out drinking or anything like that, in fact his weekend socialising consists of getting together with his group for one of their boardgame or card game sessions around the table. He just seems to have no time for talking to anyone who doesn't interest him though. He walks around the house with his earbuds in most of the time listening to podcasts 😢 So he basically shuts us all out. At times we do ban the earbuds (obviously meals) and it can sometimes be possible to draw him out to a lively debate if we can hit upon a topic of his interest but otherwise he'll sit in silence. We have one other child and they get on ok but don't have much in common.

My main concern is how awkward he is socially, we had family over last weekend and he just grunted a bit not looking them in the eye and then disappeared upstairs. I'm wondering how I can encourage him to try, persuade him or bribe him or what?!?!? My brother is good with him as he ignores the unfriendly front and just starts chatting and they have lengthy debates about history or politics! But most of the family will just politely ask how he's getting on and I think he just isn't interested to engage and not polite enough to go along with it. He just totally ignores his little cousins. I get so sad when I think of how chatty and friendly he used to be, I thought the initial teen angst would pass but think I need to take action as it's going on 2 years now...

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate each of you and the empathy you showed, it really helps and I think I need to refer back to this thread when I'm losing patience with him ❤
I definitely need to try and take an interest in his interests, I hold my hand up that I just have not tried at all.

As an aside op, my partner is now 50 and still does d and d with a group of mates he has had since 15. They did it over lockdown and they are a remarkably resilient and happy group
of men, in no small part due to the regular interactions with each other consistently over such a long period of time. They do it on zoom now so they can do it from wherever they are and it’s very very cheap!

it’s also becoming much less niche-there is a fab festival called fantasy forest that has loads of role playing people and stalls.

He is 15, if he doesn t learn to make the effort to pay attention to others, feel comfortable in public, have sociable manners, etc. it will probably only go downhill and make it more and more difficult to acquire these skills later on.
A very serious conversation is in order and a change of daily habits, maybe have take him up on a social activity/hobby outside of his comfort zone.
Social skills are not instinctive.
If they don t learn young, they will be disadvantaged as an adult: dating, job, social life, self-esteem, mental health, social isolation, etc.
And beyond the social part, it s also an open gate to make kids self-involved, with low empathy and curiosity for the world.

They can decide at 12 only gaming matters, because they are never challenged by too accommodating parents, be left to it until ... then, what is going to make their world bigger?

If you like novels/the theatre, it's really easy to engage with him on D&D without any need to get into the specifics. If he DMs, that's like writing a play where any of the main characters can at any point wander off and do whatever they want.

I know next to nothing about the technical side of D&D, but often have long conversations with ds about the campaigns he's creating - we talk about what makes a good villain, the importance of the relationship between characters and how to create situations to help them develop these, how to make side characters likeable enough for the players to want to get to know them better, and so on.

It's fun.

He needs to be polite to visitors but I'd stop badgering him to engage when it's just his immediate family at home. It's normal behaviour for a 15 year old and he's more likely to chat when you're not pestering him.

He sounds normal to me.

My ds avoided family events for about 2 years. He came back and is delightful now. This is what teens do. I mean his ambition at 16 was to win a World of Warcraft tournament.

He had a normal job now!