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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to leave DC with dad and in-laws for Christmas Eve

56 replies

Greenhouse12 · 19/12/2023 23:06

For context myself and the dad have recently split but currently still living together whilst we sort everything.

our DS almost 2 is currently going through a mum only phase I do 99% of the childcare (with help from nursery) but now DS only really wants to be around me and is happy to spend time with dad if I’m there… meltsdown if I leave

The issue isn’t how much DS wants to spend time with me as I work full time so adore every second of being with him but as it’s the first year we’ve split and knowing how stressed DS will be is it unreasonable to say to dad not to take him to in-laws for Christmas eve

I’ve suggested inviting them over I’ll go upstairs get out the way but that way if DS gets upset I can still come to the rescue.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/12/2023 23:10

Yes it's unreasonable. It would be unreasonable if you hadn't separated as well.

Original poster
Greenhouse12 · 19/12/2023 23:14

@sweeneytoddsrazor genuinely curious how is it unreasonable? I’m only putting my son first?

being the only parent my child wants isn’t easy for me I’d love to be able to stay up late on my phone or relax whilst dad does more or meet a friend whilst they go see family however I’d rather be there for my child and know he’s not upset

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 19/12/2023 23:15

YABU I'm afraid seeing a bit less of your kids is part and parcel of being separated from their other parent. You will need to get used to it sooner or later.

UsingChangeofName · 19/12/2023 23:16

Of course YABU.
Your dc has two parents. If you are separating, then both of you will have to get used to him being with the other parent, and sometimes each parent will make choices and decisions that are different from the ones the other parents would make.

margotrose · 19/12/2023 23:18

How will he ever get used to spending time with his dad if you're always hovering in the background?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/12/2023 23:20

Its unreasonable because if you always go to the rescue as you describe it when your child cries then he won't get used to spending time alone with Dad, and that applies whether you are separated or not.

theduchessofspork · 19/12/2023 23:20

It’s unreasonable because all little kids play favourites. You have to be firm about it because if you aren’t it just gets worse - the less time they spend with the out of favour parent, the weaker the bond becomes. Which is what’s happened here.

As you are going to be in different houses you are going to have to support each other to be able to comfort your child and look after him whatever.

I’m sure you aren’t deliberately being a dick, and divorce is tough… but don’t be a dick. Talk to your ex about how best to manage it - he is your son’s parent as much as you and no you can’t stop them spending time together.

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/12/2023 23:20

I disagree with PPs. At 2, you put your child’s needs first.
If ILs want to spent Christmas Eve with him, they come to you. As a grandparent I’d have no problem with that whatsoever.

Onceuponaheartache · 19/12/2023 23:20

Yanbu to feel like that but yabu to put a stop to it.

Dad needs to learn to cope with the fallout

Ds needs to learn to cope without you as his comfort blanket.

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/12/2023 23:21

Onceuponaheartache · Today 23:20

Yanbu to feel like that but yabu to put a stop to it.
**
Dad needs to learn to cope with the fallout
**
Ds needs to learn to cope without you as his comfort blanket.”

No. he’s two.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 19/12/2023 23:21

Toddler DS1 went through a long phase of only wanting DH, and meltdowns would sometimes ensure if daddy was unavailable. He was hysterical - tears, screaming, pushing me away - one night just this week because DH was at work at bathtime. So I do get it.

But YABU if you’re proposing that DH doesn’t get any time with DS and without you over Christmas.

He needs to learn to be with both parents alone. They do come out of the meltdowns. For DS (age 2), I can usually calm him down from hysterics by just being really calm, speaking quietly and explaining daddy isn’t here, and offering other comforts - I hold him on my lap like a little baby, ask if he wants his dummy, his favourite cuddly toy, a book.

Your DH needs to learn to do the same. And, kindly, this is all the more imperative now you’ve separated.

All the best.

theduchessofspork · 19/12/2023 23:24

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/12/2023 23:21

Onceuponaheartache · Today 23:20

Yanbu to feel like that but yabu to put a stop to it.
**
Dad needs to learn to cope with the fallout
**
Ds needs to learn to cope without you as his comfort blanket.”

No. he’s two.

Yep and with support he’ll learn to allow both parents to comfort him. If the OP continues to put herself always in the driving seat (I’m not suggesting you are doing this deliberately OP), he’ll be doing this at 6. All little kids play favourites if you let them.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 19/12/2023 23:24

theduchessofspork · 19/12/2023 23:20

It’s unreasonable because all little kids play favourites. You have to be firm about it because if you aren’t it just gets worse - the less time they spend with the out of favour parent, the weaker the bond becomes. Which is what’s happened here.

As you are going to be in different houses you are going to have to support each other to be able to comfort your child and look after him whatever.

I’m sure you aren’t deliberately being a dick, and divorce is tough… but don’t be a dick. Talk to your ex about how best to manage it - he is your son’s parent as much as you and no you can’t stop them spending time together.

Edited

I agree with this. Especially the first paragraph.

I don’t think you’re being a dick, it sounds really hard. But ideally it would be great for your son if you can help them to strengthen their bond, whereas this will weaken it.

Onceuponaheartache · 19/12/2023 23:24

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/12/2023 23:21

Onceuponaheartache · Today 23:20

Yanbu to feel like that but yabu to put a stop to it.
**
Dad needs to learn to cope with the fallout
**
Ds needs to learn to cope without you as his comfort blanket.”

No. he’s two.

With parents who are separated. She isn't going to be there 24/7anymore so yes, the child needs to get used to that or is she never going g to allow ds to see his dad?

Ejismyf · 19/12/2023 23:24

If he is fine at nursery without you, he needs to learn to cope without you when with his Dad too especially now you have split up, but I personally wouldn't force it on Xmas Eve.

Runoutofinkagain · 19/12/2023 23:26

If he manages away from you at nursery I am sure he can manage away from you with his dad. It sounds like he might associate your house with being with you so it would be better for him to go to grandparents with his dad rather than them coming over

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/12/2023 23:28

She is whilst they live in the same house. The two year old’s needs come first. There will be days when he wants dad and not mum. Whilst they can accommodate it, they should. It’s about the child’s needs at two, not theirs.

sandyhappypeople · 19/12/2023 23:28

My DD was like this, me and DH are together but share childcare and both work full time, and at first she would meltdown when I leave, as I’m very much the favourite/default, it was traumatic for me and for her and not nice for DH, but the more we did it, and the more DH learnt distraction techniques, the more she got used to it, if you’re setting this routine for them then you have to get them used to it, eventually they’ll accept that’s just how it is, and everyone will be happier all round.

at the end of the day having separated parents is their future so you need to do everything you can to facilitate that, the more consistent you are, and the more you normalise it, the easier it will be on your child in the long run, they soon get used to new routines.. but they won’t if you’re constantly ‘coming to the rescue’ ! You’re not helping your child when you do that.

Whatafustercluck · 19/12/2023 23:28

As others have said, if you're always the one who's there then he'll never get the chance to develop loving relationships with others. And, just as important, you'll never get a break. It's a few hours op, not a few days. If you're separating, how will you/ he learn to cope with longer absences? Both of mine were mummy's children. They both benefited from special time with Daddy. And so did i/ he.

Tacotortoise · 19/12/2023 23:30

So you are happy for him to be looked after by nursery staff but not his own father? Yes that's unreasonable.

Mariposistaa · 19/12/2023 23:32

Nope. He needs to learn to cope without you now that you’re separated. If you keep pandering to his tantrums ‘coming to the rescue’ then he will learn that he gets what he wants by tantrumming.
Dad is going to need to learn to parent alone.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 19/12/2023 23:33

You either let dad have him or you dont.

It doesnt help anyone with you being upstairs listening for problems to swoop in and help.

You both need to agree how long dad has him and if DS cant handle a full day then you need an active plan to get to that point.

It's not unreasonable that dad will expect overnight and weekends at some point and you need to show willing to get to that point.

Selenitetower · 19/12/2023 23:33

Assuming this is your first child OP, toddlers having a one parent only phase is normal but it does pass. I know it feels upsetting putting your child in distress over you not being around but they will settle when they are with their dad and grandparents. They won’t stay upset and in meltdown mode all day. I would allow the visit but be available to collect him if DS does not settle but he more than likely will.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 19/12/2023 23:35

Gently, if you needed to leave him at nursery so you could go to work, you would. So you need to view this as DS needing a relationship with his dad.

FWIW most kids go through that stage, it's just unfortunate timing.

Ponoka7 · 19/12/2023 23:51

So who has him while you work full time?