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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse to leave DC with dad and in-laws for Christmas Eve

56 replies

Greenhouse12 · 19/12/2023 23:06

For context myself and the dad have recently split but currently still living together whilst we sort everything.

our DS almost 2 is currently going through a mum only phase I do 99% of the childcare (with help from nursery) but now DS only really wants to be around me and is happy to spend time with dad if I’m there… meltsdown if I leave

The issue isn’t how much DS wants to spend time with me as I work full time so adore every second of being with him but as it’s the first year we’ve split and knowing how stressed DS will be is it unreasonable to say to dad not to take him to in-laws for Christmas eve

I’ve suggested inviting them over I’ll go upstairs get out the way but that way if DS gets upset I can still come to the rescue.

OP posts:

Namechange13101 · 20/12/2023 08:40

Yabu….im happily married and my nearly 3yr old DS is going through a mummy phase. I wouldn’t be able to work, have a social life or do anything for myself if I genuinely never let his father deal with the tantrums etc. or felt that I had to be there to step in and help. remember your son has two parents, so let his dad parent as I’m sure he is more than capable of doing that.
If you are going through a separation you are only going to make things harder for yourself going forward once you have agreed a split on time when you are both living in separate places if you don’t allow dad to deal with all the daily challenges that come from having a toddler.

SoupDragon · 20/12/2023 08:43

Why is it OK to leave your son with "strangers" at nursery but not with his own father?

Sodndashitall · 20/12/2023 08:45

If your DC is able to go to nursery then he's able to last a few hours with his Dad. It's totally normal for a 2 year old to want mummy and reject other people when mummy is around. They all do it regardless of being split up or not.
After a few mins of wailing then he'll soon settle down, so you need to just leave and let them get on with it.

olympicsrock · 20/12/2023 08:45

Sorry - you are being very unreasonable. They will all manage.

PieAndLattes · 20/12/2023 08:56

If he can cope without you at nursery then he can cope being spoilt by his grandparents on Christmas Eve. Your child needs to get used to seeing his parents separately and you need to get used to the idea that he will be spending half his time with your ex. It is up to your ex what he does with his child during his time.

Digestivechocolatebiscuit · 22/12/2023 22:36

Why are so many people against what they OP is suggesting.. l think you are being very reasonable.. at two still a baby attached to you.. no way would l have let mine go and l split when my DC was 18 months she became 23 months at Christmas and she stayed with me ( she was still breastfed but that's irrelevant)... her Dad and hid parents came to see her at my place on boxing day. I was with my parents Christmas day.

cat1886 · 22/12/2023 22:44

Yes you are being very unreasonable! You are making your child reliant on you. I’m sorry but you are doing neither of you any favours. It seems like you’re using it as an excuse to not be separated from him
on Christmas Eve, which I totally understand. That must be very difficult when a marriage breaks down to have to have time apart from your child at Christmas. In the long run, out of the Christmas context, you are making a rod for your back. When you and your husband are no longer living together you will have to have time away from your son. He needs to get used to it and you will need to have time to yourself as well. As tough as it is now, it will be healthier in the long run. Let your husband take him to his parents and let him manage whatever situation as and when it arises. Sorry if that’s tough to hear.

Lights22 · 22/12/2023 22:47

@Greenhouse12 it's hard to comment with validity having not been in your situation. However, it sounds to me you're coming up with a good compromise. I've gone through phases with both of mine only wanting me over DH, which is really hard work and I wouldn't ever have set the children or my DH up to fail ie sent them off to a stressful situation on purpose without me. Obviously needs must. But I'd aim to provide security as much as possible.

The way I read your post is that this is about Christmas Eve only for now. It doesn't sound like it'd be much fun for anyone if DS went to in-laws. However dad and in-laws have as much right as you to spend time with him, which you know anyway.

Also to factor in, your son is 2. He's tiny. He's also got a lot of stress going on around him all the time at the moment. Why add to it?

However I would also encourage you to have an honest conversation with yourself as to whether or not your son's separation anxiety is the only reason for this compromise. And what level of distress would you feel warrants you rescuing him? And would dad and in-laws agree? Only you know that answer and you don't need to share it. Good luck xx

Beago1dfish · 22/12/2023 22:49

NRTFT but yanbu. Your child’s happiness should be everyone’s goal. If that means you’re close by, so be it.

Calmdown14 · 22/12/2023 22:49

Presumably he copes at nursery?

He will probably cry as he's going away but like nursery, the minute the door is shut they are totally different.

In your house, knowing you are upstairs, he'll never settle.

Is this just for a few hours? If so don't you have Christmas prep or wrapping to do?

You could perhaps ask to limit the time (depending whether it's actually planned to be long) but then you need to play your part in the matter of fact 'mummy will be here when you get home ' that you must do on work days.

Cherrysoup · 22/12/2023 22:50

I entirely see where you’re coming from, but I don’t think asking them to come to your house is the right thing to do and you will have to get him used to being without you if you’ve separated. How else will his dad have time with him? It’s not appropriate or fair for him to have to have contact only with you present/in the house.

anxiousnanna · 22/12/2023 22:57

im gonna get shot down in flames for this... but:

i dont understand? you both still live in the same house, you work and the child goes to nursery... has your ex partner never ever looked after this child ever?

i wonder if this is really more about the reality of dad taking child to grandparents on christmas eve and leaving you home alone?

Nocturna · 22/12/2023 23:14

He is only two, this isn’t the time to be away from him primary carer. Let them visit but you don’t need to hide upstairs

Isthisexpected · 22/12/2023 23:21

Well I have two divorced male friends who have never once had their now adult children over on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day only ever Boxing Day because the mothers refused and the fathers didn't feel the need to go to Court over turkey. It doesn't always have to be an equal split like that.

stichguru · 22/12/2023 23:57

Do you always offer your child his favourite food at every meal and snack? I suspect not, because you probably realise that given the option, he would eat too much of that food and/or not enough of foods with other nutrients in them and would suffer as a result.

It is the same with parents. He is always going to choose the one he feels best with if he is offered it. He will never be properly happy with the other parent because you are reinforcing that he should have you to be ok. This will stop him building a good relationship with his dad, because he won't need to, just like he won't learn to like other foods with other nutrients in, if you always offer his favourite food.

I'm sorry, I don't think you are being an AH because I think you are trying to do what you think will make your boy happy, but you HAVE to let him build a proper relationship with his dad, where he is able to feel comfortable and safe without you. To refuse to let him go with dad is falling your child, because you are denying him a good relationship with his father. He should not be denied this. He is too young to understand what he might be missing. You can't say of a tiny kid, he doesn't want a relationship with his dad, because he wants his mum. You need to teach him that sometimes he will be away from you, but that's ok.

Samlewis96 · 23/12/2023 03:26

Nocturna · 22/12/2023 23:14

He is only two, this isn’t the time to be away from him primary carer. Let them visit but you don’t need to hide upstairs

But he is in nursery full time Hardly as though he has never been away from his mother

JMSA · 23/12/2023 03:28

'Come to the rescue'

momonpurpose · 23/12/2023 03:52

I think waiting upstairs to swoop in is a terrible idea.

WandaWonder · 23/12/2023 04:16

"He is mine" is not an excuse to own him, he has 2 parents he is not 'yours'

Goodlard · 23/12/2023 04:41

Nocturna · 22/12/2023 23:14

He is only two, this isn’t the time to be away from him primary carer. Let them visit but you don’t need to hide upstairs

Except he goes to nursery......

MumsGoneToIceland · 23/12/2023 04:44

My dd went through a long phase of only wanting DH at a similar age. One morning, when I went to get dd up after DH had gone to work, I went in all bright and breezy and she shouted ‘No, I don’t want you, I want daddy. After explaining daddy was at work, she just repeated it. So (still bright and breezy). I said. ok, mummy is going back to bed, come and find me when you are ready which eventually did. That was the last time she ever did it.

The point I’m trying to make is that if you pander/enable it, it will continue for longer. Creating opportunities when he has to bond with dad is not a bad thing at all and he will be OK. I also think it’s even more important now if you’re splitting up, it needs to become the norm to spend time with just dad .

Kerri44 · 23/12/2023 05:38

My Daughter is 2 in April, if I am there I am all she wants, every bedtime, every night wake up....if I'm not here she manages just fine do I think you need to let him go with his Dad....if your Son knows you are in the house, which they do he will just want you

AlliWantIsARoomSomewheeeere · 23/12/2023 08:51

I 100% understand how you feel as I would feel exactly the same, but I do think in this scenario you need to let him go.
My son is 100% a mummas boy and when he was little spent almost no time alone with his dad (due to his job) and was 18 months before dad took him overnight to see family and I cried worrying if he would be ok.
It's very easy for people to say "he has 2 parents" but if the other parent has little experience with kids and hasn't spent much time with their own, it's not that simple.
But an evening at grandparents is a safe bet and a good intro to being away from you more, even if it it isn't easy.
Even now at 6, if it was my sons choice, he would never leave my side, and I feel guilty saying no to going along to whatever he is doing with daddy but even though he has never wanted to go anywhere with JUST daddy, once he is over leaving me he is absolutely fine and has a great time.
My daughter on the other hand will mug me straight off 😆

Noglitterallowed · 23/12/2023 10:23

So he’s all about you at the moment and the way to sort that out is to smother him and always be there to “swoop in”. Thats going to help no end isn’t it 🙄
of course you’re being unreasonable! Totally unreasonable. Assuming he’s ok to leave at nursery?
this is a you problem

Scottsy200 · 23/12/2023 10:46

Unfortunately your son needs to get used to it and he won’t if you are never not there

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