AIBU to refuse to leave DC with dad and in-laws for Christmas Eve

56 replies

Greenhouse12 · 19/12/2023 23:06

For context myself and the dad have recently split but currently still living together whilst we sort everything.

our DS almost 2 is currently going through a mum only phase I do 99% of the childcare (with help from nursery) but now DS only really wants to be around me and is happy to spend time with dad if I’m there… meltsdown if I leave

The issue isn’t how much DS wants to spend time with me as I work full time so adore every second of being with him but as it’s the first year we’ve split and knowing how stressed DS will be is it unreasonable to say to dad not to take him to in-laws for Christmas eve

I’ve suggested inviting them over I’ll go upstairs get out the way but that way if DS gets upset I can still come to the rescue.

OP posts:

FloweryName · 23/12/2023 10:49

If your child can cope with you working full time, then he can cope with being with his dad and loving grandparents for an evening.

BoohooWoohoo · 23/12/2023 10:50

You hiding upstairs isn’t really going to work. Will you be able to ignore his crying so you don’t ruin the day? Will you be able to stay in your room and not come out for drink, food or the loo? If ds knows that you’re in your room, will you be able to ignore his crying and pleading to come in?

Your ex needs to spend regular time with his son without you there, even if it’s difficult at first. You may always be preferred parent like I was in which case your son will reach secondary school age not knowing his dad well then it being too late. Ds adores you but if you always swoop in and don’t allow ex a chance to be parent too, ds will never know that he is adored by dad too. I am divorced too and sent my kids off even though I knew that they’d rather be with me but the wobbly bottom
chins do get better over time if the dad is a half decent man. I bet that your son didn’t immediately take to nursery either- it probably took time, patience and consistency for him to relax into it.

NerrSnerr · 23/12/2023 10:51

The problem is, when a toddler goes through a phase like this and they only want you, you see the tears etc when you leave and don't see that 2 minutes later their distracted by Peppa Pig and are fine.

I suspect that if he really is that distraught (which I highly doubt) he'll bring him home anyway.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 23/12/2023 10:56

If he can manage to go to nursery then he can manage to spend time with dad and grandparents.

How would you feel if it was the other way round?

If they came to yours and your child knows you are upstairs and calls for you are you really going to stay up there or are you going to go downstairs and sit in on their family time?

ItsNotOkItsNotTheEnd · 23/12/2023 11:12

I have full empathy OP. My husband and I split when DC was 2 and it was hard handing him over when he was very attached to me but you don't really have much choice if you are separated. My son still has a preference for me at 4 and you cannot go 2 years without your son having alone time with his dad.

We used lots of encouragement where I would say how excited I was to hear about what he would have done with daddy and his dad would say how excited he was for their day together. I also used to get him to pick the toys he wanted to take with him which helped. Ours was us both being in separate houses but this can work for a day trip too. He might cry I itially but within minutes he will ko doubt calm down. A quick goodbye of 'I love you loads. Have a great time with daddy and granny/grandad. I will see you before bed time" will help too. Make it sound like you are excited for him.

UsingChangeofName · 23/12/2023 13:25

stichguru · 22/12/2023 23:57

Do you always offer your child his favourite food at every meal and snack? I suspect not, because you probably realise that given the option, he would eat too much of that food and/or not enough of foods with other nutrients in them and would suffer as a result.

It is the same with parents. He is always going to choose the one he feels best with if he is offered it. He will never be properly happy with the other parent because you are reinforcing that he should have you to be ok. This will stop him building a good relationship with his dad, because he won't need to, just like he won't learn to like other foods with other nutrients in, if you always offer his favourite food.

I'm sorry, I don't think you are being an AH because I think you are trying to do what you think will make your boy happy, but you HAVE to let him build a proper relationship with his dad, where he is able to feel comfortable and safe without you. To refuse to let him go with dad is falling your child, because you are denying him a good relationship with his father. He should not be denied this. He is too young to understand what he might be missing. You can't say of a tiny kid, he doesn't want a relationship with his dad, because he wants his mum. You need to teach him that sometimes he will be away from you, but that's ok.

This.
Some good analogies here.

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