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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I matter to so few other human beings. Anyone in a similar boat?

56 replies

fuckingbleak · 19/12/2023 21:51

First of all I should say, I know I am fortunate to have my DP. We have a loving partnership and look out for each other and have each other's back. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without this relationship because I have zero others I can rely on.

I lost my mother to cancer this year, and most of my friends have basically vanished. I don't really care in one way because I'm in so much pain it doesn't really matter anyway.

On another level though I am sad I am so forgettable and uncared for. These are friends I've supported through loss and different difficult times.

One will call me when pissed and drunkenly say sorry she can't be there for me, I'm the strongest person she knows, etc. Then sober, nothing.

My other friend has transformed into someone I feel I don't know anymore, banging on about how nobody can take a joke anymore and defending Russell Brand. I get the feeling she is actually taking it personally that I'm quiet and grieving and she is displeased I'm not fun and it's just so bizarre to me as she was never like this before. She used to be such a thoughtful, kind person.

I have one friend living abroad, she has been so kind to me and we've had many laughs on the phone but she has so many troubles of her own I don't like to be too honest about how much I'm struggling right now.

All other friends have not contacted me since my mother was dying.

I have a grief therapist who is nice and very insightful. But I feel worse after every session. I talk about stuff and she nods and makes sympathetic noises and I feel more alone and like there is something wrong with me. Which there is and always has been, it's just life I suppose.

Does anyone else have a life where you don't matter to many other people? Lack of family and close friends?

OP posts:
Whydoifeelsobadallthetime · 19/12/2023 21:54

I don't matter to many people.
I'm more of a placeholder.
Nobody ever has really cared, but I know my kids love me, as much as it isn't their job to "care" about me.

Original poster
fuckingbleak · 19/12/2023 21:57

I'm more of a placeholder.

Yes, I hear you on this.

I am glad you have a loving relationship with your kids ❤

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckingbleak · 19/12/2023 22:23

I feel so low and nobody to talk to. So ashamed of having nobody I can call, too.

I don't know what the answer is.

OP posts:
crew2022 · 19/12/2023 22:25

I've experienced this. You fulfil a support function to them but when you're hurt and need support they can't give that. You're no longer fulfilling what they need. They fade away.

Summerbreeze111 · 19/12/2023 22:28

I just want to say i am so sorry for your loss, and for the way you are feeling. It might not seem like it now but in time new friends will pop up when you least expect them too. This happened to me fairly recently, after a period of feeling let down by a handful of 'close friends' One of the new friends lives near me and we started talking over a similar interest. I'm trying to put my energy into new friendships and accept the old ones as ones that were fleeting and right for me at the time but not anymore!

💐💐💐

XmasPartyhat · 19/12/2023 22:28

Have you done any work in therapy on how you end up surrounded by these kind of people? There will be a reason why somewhere. Low self esteem, chaotic upbringing etc.

HeedlessAndUnbridledConcupiscence · 19/12/2023 22:31

Does anyone else have a life where you don't matter to many other people? Lack of family and close friends?

Yes.

And I'm happier with the stage I'm at than I would be chasing after something that others don't wish to give freely or just can't. The absence of these things doesn't mean that I don't enjoy my life. I understand that these things are supposed to bring richness and pleasure to it but from childhood up it's never been that way.

It's not unusual for people to be kinder and more considerate of strangers than people they know or with whom they have a relationship.

Original poster
fuckingbleak · 19/12/2023 22:32

crew2022 · 19/12/2023 22:25

I've experienced this. You fulfil a support function to them but when you're hurt and need support they can't give that. You're no longer fulfilling what they need. They fade away.

With me, it has me second guessing myself that I wasn't a good enough support when they needed me.

I mean I'm pretty sure rationally that isn't actually true because of various reasons. But my heart feels like that would be a good explanation as to why I'm not worth anything.

OP posts:
BluebellsForest · 19/12/2023 22:34

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, @fuckingbleak.

I feel very similar, except that I don't have a partner. My mum is alive, when she is gone there will be nobody.

It was highlighted recently when I realised I don't have anyone to tick the box of someone to collect me from hospital after a operation I need. (Mum too old to do that.)

Fucking Bleak is exactly the right description.

Original poster
fuckingbleak · 19/12/2023 22:35

XmasPartyhat · 19/12/2023 22:28

Have you done any work in therapy on how you end up surrounded by these kind of people? There will be a reason why somewhere. Low self esteem, chaotic upbringing etc.

Yeah the reason is my family situation. I understand perfectly well why my self esteem is low, but not how to change it.

Also these aren't bad people. They are compassionate and good to others.

I just seem to provoke abandonment. I have done my whole life. I was adopted. I'm always seen as too much hassle.

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckingbleak · 19/12/2023 22:36

@BluebellsForest I am so sorry to hear your situation. People don't really get it if they have a two or three or a handful of people in their support network.

I hope you were ok after your op and got home safely.

OP posts:
Naptrappedmummy · 19/12/2023 22:37

There are so many threads like this on here. Why don’t you get in touch with each other and form a friendship network?

BluebellsForest · 19/12/2023 22:40

fuckingbleak · 19/12/2023 22:36

@BluebellsForest I am so sorry to hear your situation. People don't really get it if they have a two or three or a handful of people in their support network.

I hope you were ok after your op and got home safely.

Thanks. The difference is huge, I agree.

I can't have the op until I can find someone to tick that box. It's not urgent, it just emphasises having no one.

BluebellsForest · 19/12/2023 22:41

Naptrappedmummy · 19/12/2023 22:37

There are so many threads like this on here. Why don’t you get in touch with each other and form a friendship network?

Do you honestly think that's a helpful suggestion, that we couldn't work out ourselves?

BluebellsForest · 19/12/2023 22:44

I talk about stuff and she nods and makes sympathetic noises and I feel more alone and like there is something wrong with me.

I personally find this type of nodding and hmmming counselling/therapy awful. I'd look at different approaches. Have you told her how you feel?

EmmaEmerald · 19/12/2023 22:45

OP you are not the first person to say grief therapy made them feel worse and I have heard some awful stories.

As for the rest - Same but no DP.

Never wanted one as I had many friends pre lockdown/people getting partnered up and having kids. I was lucky to have them for many years though.

Now worried as I hate being no one's...anything.

Mum still alive but very frail and not able to be of any help, even just company or moral support, poor soul.

showmethegin · 19/12/2023 22:46

@BluebellsForest I think that was unnecessary. I felt that comment was meant in good faith.

I'm sorry OP, I don't have any advice right now but I have friends that found grief support meeting extremely worthwhile if there is anything like that in your area. I'm really sorry your friends have been such let downs; you deserve better

Original poster
fuckingbleak · 19/12/2023 22:47

I can't have the op until I can find someone to tick that box. It's not urgent, it just emphasises having no one.

@BluebellsForest ah fuck, yes that must sting. I hate situations like that that remind you of the things you don't have.

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckingbleak · 19/12/2023 22:50

BluebellsForest · 19/12/2023 22:44

I talk about stuff and she nods and makes sympathetic noises and I feel more alone and like there is something wrong with me.

I personally find this type of nodding and hmmming counselling/therapy awful. I'd look at different approaches. Have you told her how you feel?

I'm not sure what I'd say, tbh I'll probably just not go back if it on balance it feels more unhelpful than helpful.

She is very good with my adoption stuff on the other hand. She keeps patiently trying to drum into me that there's nothing wrong with me, that it was the situation and not me as a baby that was difficult or wrong.

I really believe that she belives that when she says it, so that's what makes me keep going for now.

I just don't know how to believe it myself though.

OP posts:
misssunshine4040 · 19/12/2023 22:53

Same here! Life has taken a toll the past 2 years and friendships and family have drifted away. As a single parent working full time, it's lonely.
I'm not unhappy and see it as a new chapter in life where I am open to new people building new relationships.

PhulNana · 19/12/2023 22:56

One is great. More is a bonus.

Tbry · 19/12/2023 23:00

I’m not going through the grief of losing a parent but yes I also don’t have anyone outside of my household. I’m LC with my family and my decades long friendship ended this year. It’s very hard.

EmmaEmerald · 19/12/2023 23:18

XmasPartyhat · 19/12/2023 22:28

Have you done any work in therapy on how you end up surrounded by these kind of people? There will be a reason why somewhere. Low self esteem, chaotic upbringing etc.

What do you mean by "these kinds of people"?

We are not attracting bad people. Life happens. People get ill, people die. People suffer with work issues, family issues, all kinds of things.

Much as I feel a bit let down sometimes - like pp, no one to collect me from hospital now - I made friends with people who did help in the past, quite massively when I've been ill.

I'm not saying they are all perfect but when you and immediately family have issues, it does become overwhelming for everyone. On top of busy jobs that have to be done to pay bills....and people move away for all kinds of reasons.

It is not the case that we all picked shit friends.

OnionOnionH · 19/12/2023 23:31

@EmmaEmerald Some posters are describing themselves as placeholders, which would suggest low self esteem or other issues to have accepted being treated as a low priority.

semideponent · 19/12/2023 23:47

Perhaps this will not feel right...in which case feel free to reject it.

But, would a gratitude practice help? Three things every day you're really, genuinely grateful for?

lI think of this as a different way of coming at the problem. Your early experiences in life mean you're primed to expect rejection and abandonment. So find the antidote in yourself and apply it in the present.

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