I matter to so few other human beings. Anyone in a similar boat?

[fuckingbleak]

First of all I should say, I know I am fortunate to have my DP. We have a loving partnership and look out for each other and have each other's back. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without this relationship because I have zero others I can rely on.

I lost my mother to cancer this year, and most of my friends have basically vanished. I don't really care in one way because I'm in so much pain it doesn't really matter anyway.

On another level though I am sad I am so forgettable and uncared for. These are friends I've supported through loss and different difficult times.

One will call me when pissed and drunkenly say sorry she can't be there for me, I'm the strongest person she knows, etc. Then sober, nothing.

My other friend has transformed into someone I feel I don't know anymore, banging on about how nobody can take a joke anymore and defending Russell Brand. I get the feeling she is actually taking it personally that I'm quiet and grieving and she is displeased I'm not fun and it's just so bizarre to me as she was never like this before. She used to be such a thoughtful, kind person.

I have one friend living abroad, she has been so kind to me and we've had many laughs on the phone but she has so many troubles of her own I don't like to be too honest about how much I'm struggling right now.

All other friends have not contacted me since my mother was dying.

I have a grief therapist who is nice and very insightful. But I feel worse after every session. I talk about stuff and she nods and makes sympathetic noises and I feel more alone and like there is something wrong with me. Which there is and always has been, it's just life I suppose.

Does anyone else have a life where you don't matter to many other people? Lack of family and close friends?

Yeah me. Used to have strong friendship network but after moving with kids have found it impossible to build up proper friendships. Have a few people I sort of know and see occasionally, but I am very much on the periphery of their lives. I could easily drop off and be barely noticed, let alone missed. My work is wfh which makes the isolation worse.

Its awful. No one to tell when something funny happens, or when you’ve had a bad day or heard something interesting. No one to support or encourage. No one to notice really.

All this stuff about ‘you are enough’ is bollocks. I’m not. No one is by themself. We all live our lives through others. It’s hard to feel you really exist without those others.

I'm the same. Just feel totally alone at the moment.

Partner has just left me for someone else. Everyone else is getting ready for Christmas with family etc and I'm facing days of not seeing another person.

Today is the anniversary of a close family member dying and it all feels like too much ☹️

“All other friends have not contacted me since my mother was dying.”

They weren’t friends OP. Shame on them. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum.

Find another counsellor who specialises in grief. It seems there’s a lot of processing of your grief to do and the current counsellor isn’t helping. The new one can also help with your adoption issues.

Listen to me. You are equally as important as anyone else on this planet and from your words I gather you are a caring, kind person- the world needs more people like you. Be strong- look at what you DO have not what you don’t- a DH, your health, fresh air, a new day. A supportive community on here. You can work on building new friendships at any time but it sounds like your grief needs to be dealt with first. Take little steps at a time ie find new counsellor first. Look after yourself- treat yourself with the care love & respect you treat others. You are absolutely worth it. Don’t let the past define you- let it make you stronger! You are already stronger than you realise and you WILL get through this difficult time. Keep going. 💐

Of course she means it, it was absolutely nothing to do with you, you were an innocent little baby.

I just want to give you a hug. You sound like such a lovely person, keep on going, you will find a few good, true friends eventually.

I feel similar too tbh, I do have a couple of people I could ask to be there in an emergency but would hate too. There's no one other than my husband and mum that I could ask something of without feeling like a nuisance.

Yes, I feel like this too. Luckily, I have young children, and obviously, at this age, I'm the centre of their world, but I don't know what my life will look like in 20 years time. I feel like I'm good at making acquaintances, but rubbish at having close friends 🤷🏼‍♀️

It is so hard and I am so sorry to those of you who relate partially or wholly.