I matter to so few other human beings. Anyone in a similar boat?

[fuckingbleak]

First of all I should say, I know I am fortunate to have my DP. We have a loving partnership and look out for each other and have each other's back. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without this relationship because I have zero others I can rely on.

I lost my mother to cancer this year, and most of my friends have basically vanished. I don't really care in one way because I'm in so much pain it doesn't really matter anyway.

On another level though I am sad I am so forgettable and uncared for. These are friends I've supported through loss and different difficult times.

One will call me when pissed and drunkenly say sorry she can't be there for me, I'm the strongest person she knows, etc. Then sober, nothing.

My other friend has transformed into someone I feel I don't know anymore, banging on about how nobody can take a joke anymore and defending Russell Brand. I get the feeling she is actually taking it personally that I'm quiet and grieving and she is displeased I'm not fun and it's just so bizarre to me as she was never like this before. She used to be such a thoughtful, kind person.

I have one friend living abroad, she has been so kind to me and we've had many laughs on the phone but she has so many troubles of her own I don't like to be too honest about how much I'm struggling right now.

All other friends have not contacted me since my mother was dying.

I have a grief therapist who is nice and very insightful. But I feel worse after every session. I talk about stuff and she nods and makes sympathetic noises and I feel more alone and like there is something wrong with me. Which there is and always has been, it's just life I suppose.

Does anyone else have a life where you don't matter to many other people? Lack of family and close friends?

I thought @XmasPartyhat was addressing all of us.

Yes, and I don't even have a partner! I'm too knackered to write this out in a way that won't feel a tad brutal but, in short, life changes alter our emotional landscape. The challenge then is to adjust, finding new ways to live with ourselves and the world around us as it is (rather than as we wish it were). Quite a lot of help is available in doing this.

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I'm separated and I miss my husband if I'm honest. Not having someone to share everyday family life with is very lonely and tough. I feel like a nobody most days. Only surviving for DC.

I have some friends, though not close ones around. I'm learning to be better at being a good friend and reaching out to people but it's all mainly superficial.

I have parents and siblings but they all have their lives and fair share of problems.

I have experienced this, off and on over the years. If I don’t put in the effort to be the glue that keeps friendships together, then friendships drift. When I am overwhelmed and can’t cope, not one of them checks in on me if I go quiet.
I decided that when I expect others to think how I do, it always leads to disappointment on my part and often they haven’t done anything wrong.

A lot of my friends and family have become very distant since I had a child with severe sen. I think it just exposed how many of them depend on me to keep the relationship going, and now that I can’t just fit around them, it’s gone. Strangely enough they keep ‘blaming’ me for not going to see them / fit around them!

I am loved but it is by my kids and mother who I am also the prime carer - basically for all of them. It still feels good though.

But I have no husband giving me support. That’s huge if you have that.

I have no family, other than cousins who I get along with but we aren't close. I do have an exDH (we are still friends), and I have some local friends, but they have families (I have no children) who keep them busy, so basically I am alone. I do have some friends overseas, but obviously that's no use in a crisis. I'm okay, but do worry sometimes about something happening - more so about my cat than me really.

"We are all but dust in the wind" - Socrates.

that said im not sure about me, i try to look after me and i suspect ive got some that care for me, as to how wide the circle its a mystery but very much appricated if they do.

If you have no one then it isn't a mystery at all. It's starkly clear.

Sorry to buck the trend, OP, but you have a loving, supportive dp according to your post. So, yeah you are being a bit unreasonable because some people don’t have that. Imagine their loneliness, especially at this time of year.

She acknowledged that in her first sentence. I'm in the position you describe, but can acknowledge OP's pain without trying to minimise it.

I don't really matter to any other people and often find myself wondering if I was to disappear if anyone that knew me would be perplexed as they would just be under the impression I am happy

Ok missus, this will be hard to hear ( and somewhat hypocritical), but stay with me! I'm not adopted. I came from a fractured family which is why i relating to you iyswim though.

Putting that aside for a minute, to build up your self esteem, you have to do things that make you feel good. Whatever that might be (books, sport, charity work, study, whatever floats your boat really!) So pick something that'll pique your interest and run with it. Smash it! You'll be more confident after that. And with that confidence, you may feel better about addressing other things in future. Best of luck to you x

I'm so sorry.

I regularly think I don't matter to people, then something will happen and I realise I actually do.
So could it be more a reflection of your internal.state rather than actual fact? Just a thought.
For me it's part of low self esteem, depression, autistic rigid thinking.
It's a very painful state to be in. I appreciate this may not be the case for you.

With counselling, i have found the good one appreciate it very much if you tell them what isn't working for you and adapt their approach because their aim is to help people.

I think some people don't know how to handle these kinds of situations or don't know what to say or do. They are incapable of being supportive. So don't take it personally that you are so forgettable or noone cares. You are not . Problem is with their character and them as a person, not you. My best friend from childhood lost one of their parents and I love and value this person but sometimes I felt not good enough to support them or not know what to do. I think unless you meet people or have friends going through similar situations then sometimes the relationship can feel on a different level.
It's annoying about the therapist making sympathetic noises, she might well though inside sympathise with you and care but she's keeping it professional. Not sure they could hug you as there are professional boundaries.

don't matter to anyone really. Although I am responsible for quite a few people

My children all have Autism some with severe mental health needs so they are more likely to miss the things I do for them than miss me none would actively choose to spend time with me.

The small family I have, have either moved away or need me to sort out care needs or solve problems (the reason they moved as they didn't want to do it so left it all to me as no other options) I am never the first call for happy news.

Friends have fallen away due to the complex needs of my DC and not wanting their own dc around mine ( I don't blame them, it was a very very dark time)

I see on social media all the snapshots of other people lives the meetups the meals out with families and friends the day trips picnics and coffees with siblings... It makes me sad.

I just want to matter to someone, I want to feel cherished.

My DC are unlikely to have DC of their own so that's it really for me it's possible that they may eventually move out but not guaranteed and making friends in your 50's is so much harder as people are busier and more set in their lives already

I don't think you're alone in this at all. Modern friendship as a concept doesn't seem to be working that well. People get so bogged down by their jobs and families that anything else is a low priority.

I'm also not convinced by advice to find new friends because you just end up with crappy acquaintances at best rather than friends who will be there during bad times

I'm sorry for your loss and for what you're now going through.

The majority of humans are inherently selfish and people only purport to care about someone when that person adds value to their life. When you stop adding value, you are dropped like a stone.

This is true of marriages, relationships, friendships. I think the only exception is some parental relationships as we are biologically programmed to care for our offspring to the detriment of ourselves. Even then, a lot of parents fail at that.

For those that read this post and think no, my friends, husband, wife, aunt etc isn't like that, just wait until you've had a close bereavement, marriage breakdown, serious illness diagnosis or some other negative life changing event, before you sit there smug.

In the words of Taylor Swift- You're on your own, kid.

I also feel I don't matter. I feel hugely insignificant, and that is down to low self esteem however, when people behave a certain way, your low self esteem is reinforcing your thoughts/feelings.

When I'm feeling the above I go very quiet, almost isolate (apart from work obviously) which in turn makes me feel worse! Self sabotage.

You can't have what isn't there, I'd love a large family, that blanket of familiarity/cosiness, but I don't have that. Yes I have DC, yes I have a partner, but I still have these feelings of insignificance and inadequacy, and they are part of me, so I have to manage them.

Thing is, I feel when you are perceived as 'strong' 'resilient' a 'coper' people leave you alone.

OP I hear and identify you, I hope you find some peace, but sadly you are not alone.

I feel similar sometimes OP. My parents both died quite close together, and it's resulted in me becoming estranged from every single other family member (except for one brother who only gets in touch when he wants something), because they were so awful to me during that whole period. It's a second huge bereavement, even if rationally I know it would be worse to have people like that still in my life.

I have a lovely DP, like you, and that's it. I also had an employment tribunal and a move across the country, so I seem to have been dropped by everyone from my old life, and I haven't really made any new friends. I feel unbelievably lucky to have DP, but yes, I do feel lonely when he's not around.

I once joined Bumble to see if I could meet a new friend or two through it, but I was put off after one woman spent the whole time talking about herself and didn't ask me one question (and she was a therapist!)

I am going to see if I can join a choir in the new year, see what happens 🤷

Your not alone DP.

I have a huge family who I'm no contact with. I say that but they make contact or haven't reached out in years. My mother abused me and as an adult they believe I should forgive her. I refuse. My dad wasn't around, I met him as an adult but he died shortly after.

My gran brought me up but she died when I was 20, I'm 37 now.

When me and DP had problems a year or 2 back I realised how alone I was. I think it's scary but I think grief probably makingng it feel worse.

I also hated grief counselling.

I'm so so sorry for your loss op, you will survive it ❤️ just take each day 1 by 1 for a while and ne kind to yourself xx

I don't matter to too many people. I definitely don't matter to both my parents who are alive but I matter to my dh and most importantly I matter to my son. Once I matter to him then everyone else can fuck off quite frankly.

Yes I think I'm I this situation.
When my parents are gone, there's only my DH who will give two shits about me!
BUT I'm a bit of an island and don't really care deeply about others either (beyond my DH and dog, mum, dad). I like having mates and acquaintances, but not close friends. I'm happy in myself and enjoy pottering about on my own more than anything else.
I honestly spend time with mates so that I can tick a box to say "certified officially normal"!
I wonder if you need to be born this way to feel as comfortable with it as I do though.
Sorry to hear about your loss OP.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I feel a bit like this, sometimes. Very elderly parents who will be gone soon. A sibling that lives abroad. I have a DH who probably won't live long enough to grow old with me, as he has a serious health condition. I have stepchildren (lovely, but if course they have another family) and no children of my own (not that it would be their job to validate me anyway). No other blood family.

I invest in my friends, and have made a couple of new ones in my fifties which has been unexpected and good. I have work. I have hobbies. I will be ok alone. But I do understand. I hope things get better for you soon.