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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want everyone round on xmas night

58 replies

Mumlife23x · 19/12/2023 13:56

Bit of background.. DH mum passed away 2 weeks ago. (We didn't really speak to her that much or see her but when she was ill we did our best to help visited her etc they weren't close i hadnt seen her in well over a year) so now DH's stepdad & brother on their own at home this Christmas. Not close to stepdad at all brother is a hermit just plays video games all day/ night doesn't leave house ever (he's 23). DH has a sister and another brother but he is insisting I invite his step dad, younger brother, sister her kids and his other brother and their kids to my house xmas night. (Sister & younger brother are his step dad's bio kids) First of all I have my own 2 kids and I like xmas night to just unwind I have to cook for 10 people xmas day and clean up after I don't want to re entertain again later on. Bearing in mind apart from the fact his mum was ill I haven't seen his sister or step dad in well over a year his younger brother about 12 years as he never leaves his bedroom. He is insisting that it Isn't right to leave them home alone and I should invite everyone round. Why?? We wouldn't have done it if his mum was still alive. It's so awkward with his stepdad because he doesn't say much and his sister isn't very fond of me nor me her for unrelated history. He won't stop and even text everyone inviting them even though I said no. Surely it's up to his sister to accommodate her dad??

OP posts:

MincePieForMe · 19/12/2023 13:59

Christmas is going to be awful for them, having lost someone so near. have a bit of compassion and suck it up for this year. She only died two weeks ago. You don't have to 're-entertain' either - just put some crisps, nuts and sausage rolls out and open a couple of bottles of wine.

CurlewKate · 19/12/2023 14:01

You know you're being unreasonable.

IKissedKermit · 19/12/2023 14:02

The first message nailed it, I think you need to be gracious, no need to cook, just a cup of tea and biscuits, they'll have eaten already. Family is important at Christmas and especially so after a recent death.

grayhairdontcare · 19/12/2023 14:04

Honestly you just suck it up for this year!
You don't have to do anything other than let them in your house.
They are grieving.

TeaMeBasil · 19/12/2023 14:07

He may be saying that he's doing it for them but he may also be feeling the need for family himself due to his own grief.

Maybe if you look at it as doing something for him you might find it easier to get on with?

Honeyroar · 19/12/2023 14:09

Whatever the relationship was like, your husband has just lost his mother and will be emotional. Can’t you just support him if he wants to reach out to his family a bit? I was estranged from my brother, but the death of my father brought us back together and we have forged a new relationship. If you seriously mean what you’ve written you need to take a step back and look at yourself and what you’ve written! Just wow.

Why is it just your house (you say my house, my kids etc)? Is your husband not allowed a life or opinion?? Surely you and he can pour a few coffees/drinks and offer a mince pie or slice of Xmas cake for an hour or two.

adultchildofalcoholicparents · 19/12/2023 14:10

Surely it's up to his sister to accommodate her dad??

That's reasonable. Your DH might even offer to help her with any preparations as this is something that means so much to him.

From what you've said, you don't perceive any need to be with them. It would likewise be reasonable if your DH chose to spend Christmas evening with them.

I'd hoped that one of the few lessons from lockdown and COVID-19 Christmases would have been that more people realised that they could choose with whom to spend their Christmas and to absent themselves from avoidable conflict and stress.

1967Kitherly · 19/12/2023 14:14

I think you need to be a bit more gracious OP. This has probably hit your husband harder than you think and he probably wants to be with his family (other than you and DC of course). He may have some guilt about his relationship with his Mum and is trying to forge a relationship with his family.
It only happened 2 weeks ago so its still very raw, put yourself in his shoes and try and understand how he may be feeling x

GMsAWinner · 19/12/2023 14:16

If they all come around Xmas night, does that mean that's your xmas get together with them, ie you haven't got to see them again?

Yes, nibbles and some drinks and suggest they bring something they'd like themselves! If DH expects tea, he can spend Xmas Eve preparing while you tidy house.

pinkyredrose · 19/12/2023 14:17

Does you husband propose that he supplies them with drink and food and anything else they need or is he expecting you to do it?

How many kids and what ages? Surely they won't stay too late?

JadziaD · 19/12/2023 14:17

For one year, you're being asked to suck this up and to support your DH. Who, indirectly, is telling you that he wants to be surrounded by HIS family on Christmas.

And why is it "your" house?

You don't have to do a full meal, but have them round. Or suggest to DH they come on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day if you prefer. But show a little compassion.

Marblessolveeverything · 19/12/2023 14:18

Why is it up to the sister and not your husband?

Why can't he host and sort?

JadziaD · 19/12/2023 14:18

pinkyredrose · 19/12/2023 14:17

Does you husband propose that he supplies them with drink and food and anything else they need or is he expecting you to do it?

How many kids and what ages? Surely they won't stay too late?

When my mother died, by DH picked up the slack all over the place for me and my father and my siblings. It's not exactly the same as having an abusive MIL visiting for weeks at a time while your DH wanders off to the office then for a round of golf and a pub lunch with friends.

HurdyGurdy19 · 19/12/2023 14:20

Maybe get some of the 10 people you have to cook for and clean up after, to pitch in and lighten the burden on you.

I'm another one who is wondering about "my house". Was it your house before you married, and therefore you feel "in charge" of who can come and visit? Are the 10 -freeloaders- guests on Christmas Day all from your family?

I think you should open your (joint) home to your husband's family, even if you make it clear that it is a concession to their bereavement thos year, and they won't be invited in future.

No one will be expecting you to rustle up a second Christmas dinner - a few sandwiches a day mince pies/cake will be fine.

WhyNotUsehis · 19/12/2023 14:23

You mention you're hosting 10 on Christmas Day, is that your side of the family?

And if so, you're really passing on the message that his side is irrelevant despite just losing their mother

You might not spend much time with his side, but as a one off I'd definitely accommodate them this year

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 19/12/2023 14:25

Surely it's up to his sister to accommodate her dad??

Why, because she's a woman?

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 19/12/2023 14:29

Just because you invite them, doesn't mean they will all actually attend. Just reach out and offer for them to pop over for a few hours. As PP said, get some bottles of wine in, grab some food such as sausage rolls and crisps which all you have to do is warm up or pop into a bowl and that's it.

CalistoNoSolo · 19/12/2023 14:29

Unless you live in separate houses and the children are not your husbands then you are being U, though I would suggest boxing day will be better if you're hosting other people for lunch.

mathanxiety · 19/12/2023 14:31

I agree with @adultchildofalcoholicparents

But I also think if this means a lot to your H then you could suck it up for one year.

I also think it's unlikely that SIL is going to want to schlep her kids out on Christmas night to spend a few hours in the home of people she rarely sees. At this point, that family in particular have probably got firm plans.

Make sure your H pitches in to get ready for whatever visitors come. If it's Christmas night, then sandwiches and cake would be fine to serve. And it's fine if all they do is sit and watch whatever is on the telly, as long as your H can get them out at a reasonable hour.

MargotBamborough · 19/12/2023 14:31

Why are the stepdad's bio kids not spending Christmas with him?

Is there a back story?

BrieAndChilli · 19/12/2023 14:33

have they actually accepted? doesnt sound like the younger brother will want to leave his room and the others with kids might not want to drag them out on christmas night.

Whatever, i agree that your husband is just as entitled to see his family on christmas as you are to host 10 of yours. His mother just died and regardless of the lack of relationship whilst she was alive, he will be emotional, maybe he doesnt want to waste time with other members of his family so it trying to extend an olive branch, maybe he is worried about his dad, whatever I think christmas especially is a time to be kind.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/12/2023 14:33

Confused why he can't invite them to his own home? Even if he's spending Xmas day with you, I'd be wants to see them surely he should be offering to host at his own place not make the gf do it?

SleepingStandingUp · 19/12/2023 14:34

Of hang on sorry you said DH didn't you? But it's your place with your not his kids?

pinkyredrose · 19/12/2023 14:34

JadziaD · 19/12/2023 14:18

Show quote history

Good point.

piscofrisco · 19/12/2023 14:37

It's one night out of the whole Christmas period. Stop focussing on 'the big day' nonsense. Make a few sandwiches, give them a cup of tea or a glass of wine. It's the right thing to do for anyone that's just lost their Mum, never mind that it's your dh and his family. Don't be precious. If there is a time to be kind it's Christmas surely?

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