To not want everyone round on xmas night

[Mumlife23x]

Bit of background.. DH mum passed away 2 weeks ago. (We didn't really speak to her that much or see her but when she was ill we did our best to help visited her etc they weren't close i hadnt seen her in well over a year) so now DH's stepdad & brother on their own at home this Christmas. Not close to stepdad at all brother is a hermit just plays video games all day/ night doesn't leave house ever (he's 23). DH has a sister and another brother but he is insisting I invite his step dad, younger brother, sister her kids and his other brother and their kids to my house xmas night. (Sister & younger brother are his step dad's bio kids) First of all I have my own 2 kids and I like xmas night to just unwind I have to cook for 10 people xmas day and clean up after I don't want to re entertain again later on. Bearing in mind apart from the fact his mum was ill I haven't seen his sister or step dad in well over a year his younger brother about 12 years as he never leaves his bedroom. He is insisting that it Isn't right to leave them home alone and I should invite everyone round. Why?? We wouldn't have done it if his mum was still alive. It's so awkward with his stepdad because he doesn't say much and his sister isn't very fond of me nor me her for unrelated history. He won't stop and even text everyone inviting them even though I said no. Surely it's up to his sister to accommodate her dad??

I think it'd be much easier (particularly for the hermit brother) if you went to them instead. I'd suggest that as a compromise. Then when you've had enough head back to put kids to bed and leave DH there as long as he needs.

I wouldn't leave someone home alone at Christmas, but they're not alone are they? The dad and the brother live together, the sister and other brother both have their own families.

Honestly OP, I think you need to think long and hard about what you are objecting to.

If it's the fact that you see Christmas Day as a big of a slog because you will be doing all or the lion's share of the work preparing Christmas Dinner and then cleaning up afterwards and you just want to be able to sit down and relax without having to entertain more people, would it help if your husband pulled his weight more?

Would you be feeling this way if you knew that your husband was going to help with all the cooking and cleaning?

Or do you just not want more visitors in your house on Christmas night and it wouldn't matter even if your husband did all the work, you still wouldn't want them there?

MY house My kids...is it just your name on the mortgage and is it your kids from a previous relationship then??

His mother just died and he wants to do this. I think you are being unreasonable for the sake of one evening.

Do they all live together? If so, they will hardly be 'home alone' will they?

My mum died just before Christmas one year, on 13 December. Nearly 30 years ago I still remember the people who dropped by with a box of nice biscuits, or invited us round for a drink, or walked up to the pub for last orders with my dad - just to acknowledge our loss and listen whilst we talked about my mum. Suck it up for one year for goodness sakes - you never know when you'll need support yourself.

Why can't one of the other brothers or sisters host if they are all closer to each other?

As far as I can tell, the DH has a brother (23) who is effectively a recluse and lives with the step-father.

The sister and other brother, are the DH's step-siblings.

It's unlikely the recluse brother will leave the home to spend time with anyone. If anybody stands a ghost of a chance of seeing him, it will involve poking the head round the door of his room.

The step-siblings have their own families. I think it's awkward taking children to the house of people who they don't know well, and can lead to confusion about gift-giving.

So, it might make more sense for DH to drop round and see his brother (assuming he is prepared for it to involve no more than a head round the door) and step-father. If one of step-father's children hosts him separately, then that might be an opportunity for them to gather and swap stories and memories in the evening or on boxing day.

Who are the other 8 your are hosting for dinner? Could they pitch in a bit more?

I would let my dh have Christmas however he wants after recently losing his mum.

Also do you live together? Unusual phrasing of my house and i should invite them.

Jesus Christ Ebenezer! The Christmas spirit is alive and well 🙄

Your husband's mother has just died. Regardless of his relationship with her (which he will be ruminating over), you should do what you can to support him and if that means he wants to invite his family, then you suck it up.

You sound cruel.

If you live together then you are massively unreasonable as its as much your dh's house as it is yours and if he wants to invite his family round, then he should.

Tell your dh to get some crisps and drinks in and just have a chilled evening (if they even choose to come)

but he is insisting I invite his step dad, younger brother, sister her kids and his other brother and their kids to my house xmas night

He's insisting you invite them, or he wants to invite them? Also, your house? Is it not also his house.

As others have said it's been 2 weeks, and much as he may not have been close to his Mum, he has still lost a parent, so I think a little compassion is not too much to ask for.

Your Husband is telling you he needs to be with his family, you need to listen to him.

I lost my Mum earlier this year and am DREADING Christmas, Mum's sister and all 15 of her family are coming to us Christmas Eve because my Brother and I want us to be together, they are giving up all their CE traditions to support and be there for us at what is going to be an incredibly painful time.

If my Husband tried to tell me I couldn't have them over, or that I couldn't have my Dad and Brother (who would otherwise be alone) on Christmas day, he would be finding somewhere else to spend Christmas.

He lost his Mum 2 weeks ago, he is grieving, in shock and in pain, don't be selfish.

This is the season of goodwill. Be kind.

I think it is completely unkind and unnecessary for people to call you cruel.
How judgemental!.

If you already have 10 people to cater for on Christmas Day, the prospect of suddenly having more people, ones that you don't know well, coming on Christmas Day evening, when you've already planned all your shopping etc is likely to throw anyone a bit.

That said. It is just an evening and your DH clearly feels he wants to do that, I'd be inclined to let him. When someone dies people are often wanting to do something, even though they know it won't change the fact that everyone is in mourning, they just want to feel they've done something.

So could you get DH to make a dash to the shops and buy some buffet food? so you don't need to cook more. You will have Xmas leftovers so You probably won't need all that much for an evening. So that you don't have to do too much extra prep. Then he can entertain them and you can give them all a bit of space ( and take a breather yourself). The post Christmas clear up shouldn't take too long if everyone mucks in. And I'm guessing they won't be bothered by the state of the house, etc.. they will just want to be together and be sociable for a bit.

I think this would be a better solution for you in the long run, and would be nice for your DH to feel he's made an offer. They may not even accept for that evening or maybe prefer another day over the season.

I hope you work this out, you sound quite overloaded but you've still got a few days and get DH to help.

unless I have misunderstood nobody is “home alone” are they?

your dh is totally U to “insist”
that you are hosting everyone. Surely such things should be discussed as a couple.

that all said give recent events I would try and be accommodating. It’s the husband “insisting” part that I find unreasonable

I wonder if the OP will return..

Just say, it's for tea/coffee and cakes only. Put out cakes when they arrive, to help themselves to, and make hot drinks. I'd even use paper plates and paper napkins, so there's no more washing up to do.

You are being very selfish

he is insisting I invite his step dad, younger brother, sister her kids and his other brother and their kids to my house xmas night

Why the ‘I’ and ‘my’? You make it sound like you like with your kids and he lives elsewhere? If that’s the case, he can invite them to his house.

If you live together and they are joint kids, then isn’t it his house? He can invite them to his house if he wants, he can host and make the drinks?

Boxing Day would be better I think.

I think if your DH lives there too, it's reasonable for him to invite people around.

Also, if you are hosting during the day, you could ask him to pick up the evening hosting duties?

Invite them over for cheese and mince pies. They may well say thanks but no thanks. Show your children how to look after people when they are are going g through tough times. Explain to kids your reticence but why you will go ahead anyway. Ask DH to lead the hosting, spend lots of time in the kitchen “tidying up” or lots of time “putting kids to bed” or walk the dog etc. you can do this. It might be on the other foot one day 💕

@Mumlife23x

try and show some compassion Op

@LlynTegid

why?

I think it’s sad that you won’t go along with your husband’s wishes TWO weeks after his mum’s died. People still grieve when they’re bereaved, even when the relationship with the person who died was complicated or distant. Your husband’s wishes for Christmas should be way above your own this year.