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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this true colours or AIBU

71 replies

scaredofLife21 · 19/12/2023 09:57

Me and my H are to my knowledge separating in the new year, we have had many discussions surrounding this and what's best etc etc...
I have two children from previous relationship and a DD with H.
Their bio dad doesn't speak to them and my current H has been in their life as a "dad" since they can remember and they see H as their dad.
He is a brilliant dad and the kids love and don't see him as a typical step parent (why would they he's all they've known)
He has now said, if we break up, he isn't their dad anyway, they would get use to only knowing him as dd's dad, he would have to process the breakup and sacrifice them in doing so, they would just see him as one of mums partners and would eventually forget him when his place is taken by another man...
My questions are I suppose, am I seeing true colours? Does this mean his love and being their dad is dependant on us being together? Am I a failure in terms of not only do they have to adjust to a new routine etc but also the loss of a dad whom they adore? Or AIBU because they're not biologically his?

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredofLife21 · 19/12/2023 20:35

How do people get their posts responded too haha
Any advice or thoughts welcome... xx

OP posts:
Lighrbulbmo · 19/12/2023 20:44

This is a difficult one, I suspect he really genuinely does care for your dc. I’ve known mums who exbf remain in touch for a while … but it does fade away. Especially when the bf meets someone new. Depends on the age of your dc and their ability to make the relationship work without your input I suppose. However, ime the new gf always wants to know why bother with kids that aren’t his.

Callyem · 19/12/2023 20:47

Its a horrible attitude for him to take. I have a friend who was SD and despite splitting with the child's mother many years ago, still maintains a strong bond and regular contact.

Out of interest, is it you pushing for the separation?

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 20:49

Oh goodness, what a tough one....

Who wants the operation?

Slightlyboredandseverlyconfused · 19/12/2023 20:50

I think him just deserting them is cruel. They have an attachment with him and this will be very damaging. If he insists on this then he must talk to them about his reasons and reassure them that it’s nothing to with them but his inability to cope at the very least. I’m angry on their behalf. I know men in this situation and they have put the children’s well-being first. One even raised his exe’s child when she couldn’t and never made them feel second best.

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 20:50

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 20:49

Oh goodness, what a tough one....

Who wants the operation?

Separation not operation

rumred · 19/12/2023 20:51

Decent people are decent with relatives and non related people alike. He sounds like a wanker

Slightlyboredandseverlyconfused · 19/12/2023 20:52

Lighrbulbmo · 19/12/2023 20:44

This is a difficult one, I suspect he really genuinely does care for your dc. I’ve known mums who exbf remain in touch for a while … but it does fade away. Especially when the bf meets someone new. Depends on the age of your dc and their ability to make the relationship work without your input I suppose. However, ime the new gf always wants to know why bother with kids that aren’t his.

Well then the new girlfriends in these situations are not very thoughtful. I’d honour a man’s commitment to children and see it as a sign of a good person.

AVeryPregnantXmas · 19/12/2023 20:52

Honestly you can't expect him to continue on acting as a father figure to children that aren't his if/when you move on to the next one. He has no rights or authority in their life so I don't really understand what you're expecting him to do moving forwards?

Slightlyboredandseverlyconfused · 19/12/2023 20:53

AVeryPregnantXmas · 19/12/2023 20:52

Honestly you can't expect him to continue on acting as a father figure to children that aren't his if/when you move on to the next one. He has no rights or authority in their life so I don't really understand what you're expecting him to do moving forwards?

He doesn’t have to be a parent if he doesn’t want to but he should see them at least. Poor kids.

givenupcaring92 · 19/12/2023 20:56

my Husband has a step daughter from a previous marriage and even now 20 years on she is classed as his daughter! its irrevelant to him that him and her mum are no longer together. he took her on as his own when he married her mum, when that marriage ended, he never walked away from the daughter. when we married, she came with the package as it were...

jhy · 19/12/2023 20:56

Is he saying it from a hurt place?
It all depends on his morals. I've only ever known one person to say this about non-bio kids and everyone else I've known (including my own step dad) have wanted to stay in touch.
My colleague was devastated when he separated and her grown up kids no longer wanted anything to do with him.

How old are your kids? Can they talk to him about it? He is being selfish if he is trying to hurt you by hurting them!

CantFindTheBeat · 19/12/2023 21:01

What do you mean, 'to your knowledge', OP?

Sounds odd. And sound like your DH feels he has all the cards.

Which is not true. You decide how your children are treated and valued. Don't let him decide solely on your behalf.

MissIndecisive2023 · 19/12/2023 21:01

Oh wow that's harsh, especially as he is presumably going to have regular contact with your shared DD? Due to your shared DD you will be linked to him for the rest of your life - how can he think that he can only maintain the relationship with his DD and not his step children? I find that quite mind blowing.

Original poster
scaredofLife21 · 19/12/2023 21:03

Callyem · 19/12/2023 20:47

Its a horrible attitude for him to take. I have a friend who was SD and despite splitting with the child's mother many years ago, still maintains a strong bond and regular contact.

Out of interest, is it you pushing for the separation?

It's quite mutual to be honest think we have realised we have love for each other but not in that way iykwim x

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredofLife21 · 19/12/2023 21:04

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 20:49

Oh goodness, what a tough one....

Who wants the operation?

It's quite mutual however we talk and then it gets swept under the rug by him acting normal again which i believe may be a coping mechanism

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredofLife21 · 19/12/2023 21:06

AVeryPregnantXmas · 19/12/2023 20:52

Honestly you can't expect him to continue on acting as a father figure to children that aren't his if/when you move on to the next one. He has no rights or authority in their life so I don't really understand what you're expecting him to do moving forwards?

This is exactly why I have posted this on one hand I get this comment completely on the other, they have been raised by him and call him dad and he has told them he's their dad in every way other than biological and will be that forever but since we've kinda decided this it's a different story

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredofLife21 · 19/12/2023 21:07

jhy · 19/12/2023 20:56

Is he saying it from a hurt place?
It all depends on his morals. I've only ever known one person to say this about non-bio kids and everyone else I've known (including my own step dad) have wanted to stay in touch.
My colleague was devastated when he separated and her grown up kids no longer wanted anything to do with him.

How old are your kids? Can they talk to him about it? He is being selfish if he is trying to hurt you by hurting them!

They are 10 and 8
I thought his morals were similar to mine and in the past he's said things like if we were to ever break up he'd still want to be in their life etc but now the tables have turned I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredofLife21 · 19/12/2023 21:08

MissIndecisive2023 · 19/12/2023 21:01

Oh wow that's harsh, especially as he is presumably going to have regular contact with your shared DD? Due to your shared DD you will be linked to him for the rest of your life - how can he think that he can only maintain the relationship with his DD and not his step children? I find that quite mind blowing.

Me too
But he's acting now as if he hasn't said all of that and that everything is fine with us and I feel like a mug and that it's all fake

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredofLife21 · 19/12/2023 21:09

CantFindTheBeat · 19/12/2023 21:01

What do you mean, 'to your knowledge', OP?

Sounds odd. And sound like your DH feels he has all the cards.

Which is not true. You decide how your children are treated and valued. Don't let him decide solely on your behalf.

To my knowledge as in we've spoken about it, that he'd move out but talk properly after we get through Christmas for the kids sake but now he's acting as if everything is fine so I'm a little confused but he has still said these things which are making me angry inside but I don't feel like I can bring it up again

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredofLife21 · 19/12/2023 21:11

Slightlyboredandseverlyconfused · 19/12/2023 20:50

I think him just deserting them is cruel. They have an attachment with him and this will be very damaging. If he insists on this then he must talk to them about his reasons and reassure them that it’s nothing to with them but his inability to cope at the very least. I’m angry on their behalf. I know men in this situation and they have put the children’s well-being first. One even raised his exe’s child when she couldn’t and never made them feel second best.

I'm angry too
He's trying to act normal in the house now too and I feel like he doesn't even realise what he's said and I feel like a complete blindsided idiot

OP posts:
MissIndecisive2023 · 19/12/2023 21:12

Do you want the relationship to end OP?

Original poster
scaredofLife21 · 19/12/2023 21:14

MissIndecisive2023 · 19/12/2023 21:12

Do you want the relationship to end OP?

Unfortunately yes but I am petrified of the impact on the kids even before he said this
Even more so now...

OP posts:
MissIndecisive2023 · 19/12/2023 21:21

Before you do split up there will be a LOT of difficult conversations, trying to work everything out and decide on things. Can you work out what you would like your future to look like as a starting point, and see where his starting point is? So you might want him to have all the kids sometimes, so they can maintain a relationship with him.

I've stayed in a relationship before for the sake of the kids. It nearly broke me. As a PP said, he may be saying stuff because he is upset/angry, or to scare you into staying in the relationship. When it actually comes to sitting down and sorting stuff out, he might be much more reasonable.

Original poster
scaredofLife21 · 19/12/2023 21:23

I'm really hoping this is the case.
To be honest I thought these were the "hard conversations" that we were having currently
Does that mean it's going to get harder?Shock

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