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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this true colours or AIBU

71 replies

scaredofLife21 · 19/12/2023 09:57

Me and my H are to my knowledge separating in the new year, we have had many discussions surrounding this and what's best etc etc...
I have two children from previous relationship and a DD with H.
Their bio dad doesn't speak to them and my current H has been in their life as a "dad" since they can remember and they see H as their dad.
He is a brilliant dad and the kids love and don't see him as a typical step parent (why would they he's all they've known)
He has now said, if we break up, he isn't their dad anyway, they would get use to only knowing him as dd's dad, he would have to process the breakup and sacrifice them in doing so, they would just see him as one of mums partners and would eventually forget him when his place is taken by another man...
My questions are I suppose, am I seeing true colours? Does this mean his love and being their dad is dependant on us being together? Am I a failure in terms of not only do they have to adjust to a new routine etc but also the loss of a dad whom they adore? Or AIBU because they're not biologically his?

OP posts:
Granthams · 19/12/2023 21:23

It sounds like he doesn’t want to separate and is using this to hurt you. I’m sure he loves his stepchildren but you can’t expect their relationship to stay the same or to be as deep as it’d be if he was their biological dad. Can you get relationship counselling?

Stoufer · 19/12/2023 21:26

I don’t know anything about the practicalities of separation and divorce, but the first thing that occurred to me was has he started saying all of this to limit his financial responsibilities towards the 2 step-children when you spilt? (I’m not sure how it all works). Or is he trying to use leverage to get you to reconsider, if it is you primarily driving the separation?

Original poster
scaredofLife21 · 19/12/2023 21:28

Stoufer · 19/12/2023 21:26

I don’t know anything about the practicalities of separation and divorce, but the first thing that occurred to me was has he started saying all of this to limit his financial responsibilities towards the 2 step-children when you spilt? (I’m not sure how it all works). Or is he trying to use leverage to get you to reconsider, if it is you primarily driving the separation?

I'd say it's pretty mutual but I'm not letting things slip back to plodding along if you know what I mean, he seems to have these conversations then act like we've never had a problem so it's a confusing time
In terms of paying for them, I'd never expect him to pay for them it's more the feeling of that he'd basically said if I'm with you I'm their dad (and he has been for 6 years) if I'm not then ah well they're not mine anyway

OP posts:
Allwelcone · 19/12/2023 21:33

Maybe he was just testing the water bu saying one possible scenario out loud. It might not be what he wants, just wjat he thinks migh happen. Its not uncommon for step parents to lose touch woth sc.

You could say to him you'd like contact to be kept going with your dc as he's an important part of their lives, and ask him how he feels about it.

How do you see it panning out in terms of weekend contact etc with your dc?

Allwelcone · 19/12/2023 21:35

Sorry for my typos I'm not very well this evening!

PurpleBugz · 19/12/2023 21:37

Looks like true colours to me.

I had a friend growing up who saw their mums ex for contact as though he was their father. He wasn't but had raised them.

My ex got depressed and walked out on his biological baby child for months. Now he's coming back into baby (now toddler life) and he asked to take my son )who isn't biologically his but was raised by him for years) asked to take both boys to see Santa. He's a shit dad to both the boys. He's probably a better dad to his step kid as he's bonded with him and clearly loves him whereas the toddler needs too much care and is a pain in the arse to look after if you are a lazy twunt amd as he's been absent much of his short life he doesn't know his own child. But he has no interest at all in my daughter because she's doesn't love him and pour out affection like my boy shes seen he is selfish and doesn't need him so he's cut her out.

My ex who is my older twos dad wants to see dd but not his son. Son is disabled ( I'm hugely proud of his achievements) but his grades are shit and his behaviour is challenging so nothing to boast about for ex like dd who is a massive geek, excellent grade impeccable behaviour amd so helpful and pretty to boot. So it's not just step parents who show favourites when relationships end.

You can't limit contact with his biological child because he's dumped his step kids. Morally or legally. And you can't say to your older kids it's because he's an arsehole because he's still in youngest son life and a parent to them and this would upset youngest.

Based on my experiences I'd say men do t care about kids needs the same way women do. Their biological children are an extension of them, an accessory they can show of and be proud of when they do well etc etc. They do t see them as people the way women do. They love kids who bring value to their life they don't think through how this attitude impacts the kids/other kids they have rejected amd how this has repercussions for how the children relate to each other.

Just my observations based on my experiences. I'd say you can't be blamed for not seeing he was like this. I don't think I could have known I honestly thought he was dad to all the kids but was wrong

GoonDog · 19/12/2023 21:38

Maybe this is a coping mechanism, not necessarily meaning he doesn't care about them.

Ultimately, you'll most likely end up being resident parent to all 3 of your biological children, so not much change in a family sense - but he'll go to some shared agreement for the kids, and be completely alone the rest of the time (until he moves on).

If you do meet someone, and they are young enough for a 'new' stepdad, then potentially, he'll lose them all over again.

Do you expect him to financially support all 3 children?

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2023 21:40

I think it’s worth thinking about it from his pov. He’s not their dad. Them calling him so doesn’t give him parental responsibility or any right to see them if you split up and decide he can’t. You could dump him tomorrow and tell him he’s never seeing them again and there’d be nothing he could do about it. He’s always known that would be the case. It creates a sense of distance however cosy things may have been over the years. His relationships with his step children and his own child are different.

It’s never a good idea to let children call someone mum or dad when they’re not. This is what can happen. I hope you can all find a way through this with as little hurt as possible.

Original poster
scaredofLife21 · 19/12/2023 21:41

GoonDog · 19/12/2023 21:38

Maybe this is a coping mechanism, not necessarily meaning he doesn't care about them.

Ultimately, you'll most likely end up being resident parent to all 3 of your biological children, so not much change in a family sense - but he'll go to some shared agreement for the kids, and be completely alone the rest of the time (until he moves on).

If you do meet someone, and they are young enough for a 'new' stepdad, then potentially, he'll lose them all over again.

Do you expect him to financially support all 3 children?

No as I said in another comment I don't expect nor really want anything financially i just feel like he's made a big point of saying while I've been with you (6 nearly 7 years) I've raised them and want appreciation for being their dad but if we're not together then Ahwell they're not mine anyway so I don't want anything to do with them again
I just maybe thought if he saw them as his own as he said he does for the last 6 years then surely he couldn't just leave them as if he was just a temporary boyfriend or fling x

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredofLife21 · 19/12/2023 21:43

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2023 21:40

I think it’s worth thinking about it from his pov. He’s not their dad. Them calling him so doesn’t give him parental responsibility or any right to see them if you split up and decide he can’t. You could dump him tomorrow and tell him he’s never seeing them again and there’d be nothing he could do about it. He’s always known that would be the case. It creates a sense of distance however cosy things may have been over the years. His relationships with his step children and his own child are different.

It’s never a good idea to let children call someone mum or dad when they’re not. This is what can happen. I hope you can all find a way through this with as little hurt as possible.

I know, I feel so stupid and awful for my kids. I feel like the crappiest mum right now that I'm gonna hurt them.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2023 21:45

You’re not the first and won’t be the last 💐

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 19/12/2023 21:46

Slightlyboredandseverlyconfused · 19/12/2023 20:52

Well then the new girlfriends in these situations are not very thoughtful. I’d honour a man’s commitment to children and see it as a sign of a good person.

Show quote history

Me too.

Maybe not acting as a parental figure but if this was me I'd at least want to remain in their lives as more than just their siblings parent. A fun aunty or uncle figure. If he sees his DD that's just going to make it harder for the other DC, it's going to hurt them, I couldn't think well of someone who could hurt kids he supposedly loved like this.

Granthams · 19/12/2023 21:47

scaredofLife21 · 19/12/2023 21:43

I know, I feel so stupid and awful for my kids. I feel like the crappiest mum right now that I'm gonna hurt them.

Show quote history

You haven’t actually said what’s wrong with the relationship. If it’s just got a bit stale, can’t you work on it? Try reading the thread posted today by an OP and see how it worked out for loads of others… If you can avoid separating and exposing all your children to new blended families, it’s likely going to be much better for them.

tunainatin · 19/12/2023 21:48

This is really difficult. I've seen men do this before though, and be somehow oblivious to the impact on the children involved.

Hankunamatata · 19/12/2023 21:48

I think it is difficult time. He has no parental responsibility, no say over them as such. He may be going into protection mode. When you seperate, you could stop him having contact, you may decided you don't want the kids going back and forth or the way he disciplines them when he is with them. Others outside may be saying these thing to him.

GoonDog · 19/12/2023 21:51

Yes apologies about the financials, I was typing as you answered a PP.

Regretfully they aren't his, and he is completely at your mercy right now, and in the future, when it comes to his family. You are happy for him to keep in contact with them, for now, but will it stay that way? Neither of you can say for certain.

Not much is going to change for you.
Everything is going to change for him.
You might not like what he said, but he said it to you, not them, and he's not wrong.

GoonDog · 19/12/2023 21:55

Also consider, say he moves on and gets a new girlfriend, they move in together but you don't like her.
Are you truly going to let the kids go there, when he isn't their Dad? What would that make her?

Ketzele · 19/12/2023 21:57

This is very sad. My own dad was never around but I had a stepdad for a few years (between the ages of 5 and 12, with a break in the middle when he had an affair). I was very close to him and remember how strange it was that he just upped and left, making absolutely no effort to see us. He only moved round the corner. I saw him occasionally in the supermarket but he was just awkward.

So I had two dads and once they'd stopped shagging my mum, neither of them gave me as much as a birthday card. That is not OK.

I'm not surprised to see some posters say well what do you expect, he owes them nothing, but you can't just pick children up and discard them. Even if he doesn't want to be a full father figure there is plenty he can do to make these kids feel wanted and loved.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 19/12/2023 21:58

PurpleBugz · 19/12/2023 21:37

Looks like true colours to me.

I had a friend growing up who saw their mums ex for contact as though he was their father. He wasn't but had raised them.

My ex got depressed and walked out on his biological baby child for months. Now he's coming back into baby (now toddler life) and he asked to take my son )who isn't biologically his but was raised by him for years) asked to take both boys to see Santa. He's a shit dad to both the boys. He's probably a better dad to his step kid as he's bonded with him and clearly loves him whereas the toddler needs too much care and is a pain in the arse to look after if you are a lazy twunt amd as he's been absent much of his short life he doesn't know his own child. But he has no interest at all in my daughter because she's doesn't love him and pour out affection like my boy shes seen he is selfish and doesn't need him so he's cut her out.

My ex who is my older twos dad wants to see dd but not his son. Son is disabled ( I'm hugely proud of his achievements) but his grades are shit and his behaviour is challenging so nothing to boast about for ex like dd who is a massive geek, excellent grade impeccable behaviour amd so helpful and pretty to boot. So it's not just step parents who show favourites when relationships end.

You can't limit contact with his biological child because he's dumped his step kids. Morally or legally. And you can't say to your older kids it's because he's an arsehole because he's still in youngest son life and a parent to them and this would upset youngest.

Based on my experiences I'd say men do t care about kids needs the same way women do. Their biological children are an extension of them, an accessory they can show of and be proud of when they do well etc etc. They do t see them as people the way women do. They love kids who bring value to their life they don't think through how this attitude impacts the kids/other kids they have rejected amd how this has repercussions for how the children relate to each other.

Just my observations based on my experiences. I'd say you can't be blamed for not seeing he was like this. I don't think I could have known I honestly thought he was dad to all the kids but was wrong

My Ex is playing favourites, all bio kids, he started doing it before we split. It's quite blatant and obvious to our other DC unfortunately. He thinks and talks about the kids that way, like they're possessions. It was all about him deserving the kids 50/50, anything else wouldn't be fair to HIM. Not a single word or consideration about the kids needs. He says horrible things about me to them and puts them in the middle. He also didn't consider their needs when he moved, it was all about him getting the house he wanted.

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 22:00

Ketzele · 19/12/2023 21:57

This is very sad. My own dad was never around but I had a stepdad for a few years (between the ages of 5 and 12, with a break in the middle when he had an affair). I was very close to him and remember how strange it was that he just upped and left, making absolutely no effort to see us. He only moved round the corner. I saw him occasionally in the supermarket but he was just awkward.

So I had two dads and once they'd stopped shagging my mum, neither of them gave me as much as a birthday card. That is not OK.

I'm not surprised to see some posters say well what do you expect, he owes them nothing, but you can't just pick children up and discard them. Even if he doesn't want to be a full father figure there is plenty he can do to make these kids feel wanted and loved.

I'm so sorry and I think Op should show her DH this, the child's perspective.

Maybe he just hasn't thought this through?

Mummysatthebodyshop · 19/12/2023 22:02

Lol this is hilarious. Put this to the step mums on the step parenting board and they will be quick to tell you the child has 2 parents and he ain't it.

It's an unrealistic expectation. Did you expect him to take all 3 every other weekend?

Namechangenamechange321 · 19/12/2023 22:03

These poor children. Please think long and hard before moving in with the next boyfriend, and having any more children

Mummysatthebodyshop · 19/12/2023 22:05

Sorry for sounding callous. Men typically 'love' the children of whatever woman they're with at that time.

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 22:05

Namechangenamechange321 · 19/12/2023 22:03

These poor children. Please think long and hard before moving in with the next boyfriend, and having any more children

Wind in your judgemental neck and read the OP!

This isn't a "boyfriend" it's a husband and they've been together many years!

moxay · 19/12/2023 22:07

Does he generally say a lot rubbish when angry just to get to you?
If he is that kind then probably he doesn't mean it?

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