Page 3 | Is this true colours or AIBU

scaredofLife21 · 2023-12-19T09:57:17+00:00

Me and my H are to my knowledge separating in the new year, we have had many discussions surrounding this and what's best etc etc... I have two children from previous relationship and a DD with H. Their bio dad doesn't speak to them and my current H has been in their life as a "dad" since they can remember and they see H as their dad. He is a brilliant dad and the kids love and don't see him as a typical step parent (why would they he's all they've known) He has now said, if we break up, he isn't their dad anyway, they would get use to only knowing him as dd's dad, he would have to process the breakup and sacrifice them in doing so, they would just see him as one of mums partners and would eventually forget him when his place is taken by another man... My questions are I suppose, am I seeing true colours? Does this mean his love and being their dad is dependant on us being together? Am I a failure in terms of not only do they have to adjust to a new routine etc but also the loss of a dad whom they adore? Or AIBU because they're not biologically his?

Granthams · 19/12/2023 22:09

moxay · 19/12/2023 22:07

Does he generally say a lot rubbish when angry just to get to you?
If he is that kind then probably he doesn't mean it?

He might not mean it but the truth is nobody, including OP or her husband, know exactly how it’ll pan out. The children are nearing their teens and may not want a split contact schedule, both OP and her husband may get new partners with their own kids or have more kids, her husband may need to move further away, etc etc

Onceuponaheartache · 19/12/2023 22:12

I have 2 dsc, they were 9 and almost 7 when their dad and I got together. They were 15 and 13 when we split. They are still my step kids. They will always be my stepkids. The are 20 and 18 now and are coming to me for Christmas. Their dad will be here too, he has no one else, it is their year with their mum and dd's with me.

My dp is amazing and invited ex himself to join us. Dsc decoded that their mums cooking is shit so they were coming here too. Dp is fine with it, dd is over the moon that her whole direct family will be together.

I left ex. When we told the kids, I told them that they would always be my kids, I loved them as my own before dd, more so after she was born and I saw the amazing bond they have with her, and I will love them til the day I die.

I do appreciate I am odd unique and that most step parents cut ties.

It could be his way of protecting himself if he doesn't really want the relationship to end, it could be he is being a prick to hurt you, or it could be a totally normal thing to occur. You know him best...

XmasPartyhat · 19/12/2023 22:14

Mummysatthebodyshop · 19/12/2023 22:05

Sorry for sounding callous. Men typically 'love' the children of whatever woman they're with at that time.

This.

MN is full of posts about fathers who essentially dump their own biological children and have nothing more to do with them when they split from their mother.

He loved the children while it meant he was with you. Now he's not, he doesn't love them anymore.

I also think he is being practical and setting expectations. He'll have his own child EOW but won't have your DC.

Preschoolmum78 · 19/12/2023 22:20

Remember the movie clueless? You divorce wives, not children.

If he is set on this approach then it’s a good idea to have a proper conversation on how to approach this with your dc as this news plus divorce will have a huge impact on them.

Is there any chance of going to couples counselling to rectify things? It’s tough out there right now for separated families.

Similar happened to my niece and nephew, in the midst of divorce ex bil spitefully told them they aren’t his, they did at their own request meet their dad and paternal family after who was so unreliable it cemented some issues, particularly for my niece.

Best wishes for you and your dc and hope you have a good Christmas.❤️

Preschoolmum78 · 19/12/2023 22:22

Onceuponaheartache · 19/12/2023 22:12

I have 2 dsc, they were 9 and almost 7 when their dad and I got together. They were 15 and 13 when we split. They are still my step kids. They will always be my stepkids. The are 20 and 18 now and are coming to me for Christmas. Their dad will be here too, he has no one else, it is their year with their mum and dd's with me.

My dp is amazing and invited ex himself to join us. Dsc decoded that their mums cooking is shit so they were coming here too. Dp is fine with it, dd is over the moon that her whole direct family will be together.

I left ex. When we told the kids, I told them that they would always be my kids, I loved them as my own before dd, more so after she was born and I saw the amazing bond they have with her, and I will love them til the day I die.

I do appreciate I am odd unique and that most step parents cut ties.

It could be his way of protecting himself if he doesn't really want the relationship to end, it could be he is being a prick to hurt you, or it could be a totally normal thing to occur. You know him best...

Things like this are unfortunately so rare and so lovely to hear

POTC · 19/12/2023 22:25

It sounds to me like he's trying to protect himself from hurt by pushing them away. He knows he has no legal rights to see those children. He's scared that if you meet someone new you or they might decide to stop his contact. He's self sabotaging because the pain of not seeing them will be less if he does it himself now than if you or they do it down the line.

KnittedPond · 19/12/2023 22:33

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2023 21:40

I think it’s worth thinking about it from his pov. He’s not their dad. Them calling him so doesn’t give him parental responsibility or any right to see them if you split up and decide he can’t. You could dump him tomorrow and tell him he’s never seeing them again and there’d be nothing he could do about it. He’s always known that would be the case. It creates a sense of distance however cosy things may have been over the years. His relationships with his step children and his own child are different.

It’s never a good idea to let children call someone mum or dad when they’re not. This is what can happen. I hope you can all find a way through this with as little hurt as possible.

I agree with this. My sister adored the children of her longterm partner, and when he dumped her for someone else after nearly ten years, he didn’t even give her a chance to see them to say goodbye. They were too young to be able to arrange independent contact. She was heartbroken. She’s much more cautious around the similar-aged children of her new partner.

Quitelikeit · 19/12/2023 22:34

I don’t think you can realistically expect him to take this role on

I understand why you want your children to have a father but I would view it as they have had the benefit of one for all these years

Whydoifeelsobadallthetime · 19/12/2023 22:36

Ouch, I'm sorry but I would assume this is true colours.
Ouch.
I've spoken about leaving DH many times.. he's a PITA sometimes, the discussion has always been, well OK, you can have whatever you want, but remaining on DDs life is non negotiable. (He has brought up DD with me since she was 3yo) and he has always maintained he would pay child support as he has always seen her as his.

I would be so hurt if I was talking separation and the person who my kids had seen as, and bonded with as a father figure took that stance.

I hope he changes his mind.

Midnightgrey · 19/12/2023 22:39

I don't think he is being that unreasonable. If you got a new partner, would you want your ex partner popping in to visit your children? I agree it's very unfortunate but they are not his children and he doesn't have parental responsibility or anything. Except in very exceptional circumstances, former step parents don't keep in touch much and things tend to fade away. I think he is just being realistic. People and children get hurt in marriage break ups and perhaps you should have thought about that before deciding to separate.

Onceuponaheartache · 19/12/2023 22:40

Preschoolmum78 · 19/12/2023 22:22

Things like this are unfortunately so rare and so lovely to hear

Show quote history

Your quote from clueless is so true.

I have never understood how you can be a parental presence in a child's life for years and then walk away like they never existed.

I may not have given birth to them but I have been a parental figure for more than half their lives. I worship the pair of them even though they make me feel ancient and dss likes to tap me on the head and ask if I have shrunk more since he last came home from uni. That hasn't changed just because their dad was a twat to me!

But then I have never spoken about them as dd's half brother or half sister. They are her brother and sister. I have had rows with family and friends who have .are comments about not understanding why dd is upset her brother is away at uni because he is "only her half brother"... they weren't so keen when I referred to their child as their half child because agter all by that logic they are half theirs and half their dad's...but I can be a feisty bitch when I feel any of the 3 kids are being treated unfairly

SALWARP2023 · 19/12/2023 22:43

You and H are totally selfish and immature. Stay together as a family for the sake of you all. Disgraceful getting divorced for such a minor issue. Does no one think kids have a right to have a stable home life with noth parents. Your DC have been through enough
Get counselling and if necessary some medical advice.

KnittedPond · 19/12/2023 23:05

SALWARP2023 · 19/12/2023 22:43

You and H are totally selfish and immature. Stay together as a family for the sake of you all. Disgraceful getting divorced for such a minor issue. Does no one think kids have a right to have a stable home life with noth parents. Your DC have been through enough
Get counselling and if necessary some medical advice.

I think you might want to reread the OP. I don’t believe she has said what caused her to want to end the marriage.

Aydahayda · 19/12/2023 23:09

How will medical advice help??

Goodlard · 20/12/2023 06:27

SALWARP2023 · 19/12/2023 22:43

You and H are totally selfish and immature. Stay together as a family for the sake of you all. Disgraceful getting divorced for such a minor issue. Does no one think kids have a right to have a stable home life with noth parents. Your DC have been through enough
Get counselling and if necessary some medical advice.

Are you on the wrong thread?

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 20/12/2023 21:14

Salwarp does have a point. And OP has said why they are splitting - they love each other but just not in that way.

I think you can have the luxury of thinking that way before kids are involved. After that though, outside of abuse - you have to work through low patches. All long term relationships go through good and bad phases.

And yes absolutely - the children have a right to a stable home life with both parents.

But anyway if that isn’t going to happen…OP perhaps you should ask him if he wants to be a father figure to them? And suggest a contact schedule which you will honour, and let him know no new partner will ever take his place with them.

mottytotty · 20/12/2023 21:19

scaredofLife21 · 19/12/2023 21:14

Unfortunately yes but I am petrified of the impact on the kids even before he said this
Even more so now...

Show quote history

Which is why he said it.

Please don't let this prevent you from getting your divorce.

Hopefully he was just lashing out when he said he wouldn't be a dad to all the kids if you divorce but even if he is serious, it's better that your kids start the process of being away from him sooner rather than later if this is how he really feels.

saraclara · 20/12/2023 21:19

he has told them he's their dad in every way other than biological and will be that forever

Have you reminded him of the 'forever' commitment that he made to them?

Notimeforaname · 20/12/2023 22:31

It's an unrealistic expectation. Did you expect him to take all 3 every other weekend?
What exactly were your expectations op?Was it just that he would talk to them when picking up his child for contact or play woth them sometimes etc or did you want him to take and pay for all kids at weekends, go to appointments and events for all three?

Neither one is right or wrong but I suppose figuring out exactly how you would like it to play out in an ideal world..is a starting point for when you eventually have another conversation about it.
Ultimately he could change his mind 7 times between now and leaving.

Notimeforaname · 20/12/2023 22:33

And in regards to letting them call him dad, it's done. Dont waste time beating yourself up about it.
You have learned from it and wont make the same mistake again. We all make mistakes, we move on. X

Tacotortoise · 20/12/2023 22:54

The truth is, unless he's adopted them, they are not his kids. Once you are separated, he has no say whatsoever in their upbringing and no right to see them unless you allow it. Its a brave step parent that would allow themselves to develop deep feelings over children that could be taken from them in the wink of an eye.

He was very wrong to allow them to call him "dad" though. And it does seem harsh for him to cut them out completely. What would a good solution be in your eyes?