wish neighbours were friendly

[anony1mous1]

I moved into my current home 6/7 months ago. I feel incredibly lonely. I’m from an area where everyone talks to everyone but moving here to an area of London where everyone just seems so uninterested in making new friends. I’ve been very friendly saying hello to everyone, there is even a child in one of my DC classes living here but the mother seems so off every time I’ve suggested a playdate or coffee so I’ve left it now. It breaks my heart when I see a group of mums walking past from the neighbourhood with their kids same age as mine.

I went completely out of my comfort zone in halloween when I saw the same group walking by I asked if I could join with my little ones, it was so awkward you could just tell from their body language they didn’t want us to join in.

i don’t know where I’m going wrong. Surely they should be making some effort too in terms of asking how we settling in and where we moved from etc? I’m writing Xmas cards to them all, will post them with kids later and hoping I will bump into some of them. I feel so lonely here.

“I asked to join in” in terms of just walking to the few houses we have in the cul-de-sac type place we live in. My kids were so happy and they still talk about it. I just feel I’m lacking in any community here. It’s actually been 10 months we lived here I just counted! Can’t believe how quick time has gone.

That sounds hard and it sounds as if you've gone out of your way to be friendly.

I lived in London for 30 years and was never really friendly with any neighbours. We'd pass the time of day or take parcels in but we weren't friends.

I think you're putting all your friendship eggs in one basket.

What about other parents at school who aren't neighbours?

How old are your children? They will probably make friends at school and maybe you'll get to know people like that.

What do you do when they're at school? If you're not working are there local groups you can join? Volunteering?

I wouldn’t post the cards. I think you need to try and join some groups with your kids and get talking to the parents through those. I have to admit I’m not interested in making friends, I’ve got a lot going on health wise and I just don’t want to be having chats with people and having people knocking on the door. I think a lot of people are the same now. I think in order to make friends you need to widen your circle.

@Pigeonqueen would it be wrong to post the cards? I do suffer anxiety but tbh I hide it very well. Even my old friends from where I moved to had no idea I have anxiety as I come across very sociable, outgoing and bubbly in their opinion. I asked them what I’m doing wrong and they think it’s just the people here! But surely not everyone can be like this and I’ve been unlucky so far I think in terms of people I’ve introduced myself too.

@UmaniCaroline thank you

My kids are 10 and 6

‘Shoulds’ are not useful here, OP. Try other scenarios to make friends, as pps suggested. Other school parents, local MeetUp groups? Are you a SAHP?

Perhaps the groups of mums you see have a long history together. Maybe they all went to school together.
I joined a mother and toddler group years ago and the mums there were all standoffish to new comers. They had either all gone to school together and/or attended the same church. The other group who all stuck together were childminders.
Neither group were interested in encouraging new comers.

I think you have had a good shot at befriending your neighbours l, I would widen the circle, and search for new friends elsewhere now.

Good luck!

I think PPs are probably right in that you need to find your people at groups rather than in your neighbourhood. I used to live in the city and it was like that. Last year I moved to a tiny village in the Scottish highlands and it is completely the opposite- neighbours and community is everything because you aren’t close to anything else.

Please don’t take this personally. I honestly think it is about your situation and not about you. People have everything on their doorstep in cities and so you can find your people at groups or meetings or gatherings that are aligned to you and your interests.

The thing is you're probably a lovely person but if folk feel their friend group is full then it's full, unfortunately.

I second the idea of trying to make friends through kids clubs/hobbies and, even better, your own hobbies.

Good luck.

I am in a city and while I will say hello etc I prefer keeping distance to neighbours. My friendships are from shared experiences or activities.

Is there any social groups near you that way you know people are there to meet people?

That sounds really hard. I sympathise- I've found the same.

To be honest, people who've lived in the same area for years have no interest in making new friends. They have their childhood friends, their parents and siblings and cousins, and they don't need or have room for new people. You're wasting your time with them.

Look for the blow-ins. I moved from central London to a zone 5 suburb where so many people have lived here forever. There's no point bothering with the English people; they just don't have room in their lives for me. Instead my friends here have ended up being the Australian mum, the Scottish mum, the Irish mum, and the Romanian mum. Even then it has taken me years to feel like I have friends of my own, especially when I work full time so I'm not at the school gates, or the kids grew out of being friends so you lose touch with the parents then too.

But the other new to area mums are the ones who will be your tribe.

Good luck. It's hard.

Sadly I think you are being unrealistic, as is evident after 10 months. Do you host play dates for your kids friends. Are there any school parent socials? That’s how I have got to know local people.

Try not to take the neighbours' attitudes personally, towards yourself and/or your DC, I'm sure you have done nothing wrong and are a friendly person.

We moved from the SE where it was normal not to speak to neighbours to East Yorkshire where it is abnormal not to.

HOWEVER, very unfortunately, the particular neighbours nearest to us are a bunch of nasty, small-minded idiots (not older people) and I would not want my DC, if they were still young and living with us, to mix with them.

I wish they were different, but they are what they are, and looking at the way their children are, am glad that mine played together and with their chosen friends from school rather than with the children of neighbours like my current ones.

Good on you for trying OP. You're not unreasonable to want to make friends; humans are naturally social animals. Unfortunately, I think COVID hasn't helped, lots of people have increased anxiety and less social skills now.

We've just joined a new school after moving and my husband and I laugh about it - the parents just don't want to know. They may give a little smile but none have engaged with us to the extent that they know anything about us, despite me regularly trying with them. We've given up now and just cracking on with our own lives.

Good luck OP. Stay true to yourself and im sure you'll find some local friends soon.

You have to accept that this lot don’t want to be friends - they feel their circle is full, or whatever.

Focus on finding meet up groups and making friends that way. Find out from your kids who they like at school and ask them to play dates.

London (and other big cities) don’t tend to be that neighbour focused - people make friends through shared interests. You have to change how you make friends. Do that and life will be very different in a year.

I really feel for you OP. I think you should step back from trying to befriend this particular group. They obviously feel happy the way they are and not interested in adding anyone else. Don't send the cards. You can still smile and say hello in passing, but don't try and "force" your way in.
I'd start looking at social groups in the area -book clubs, sports, art classes. My friend runs an outdoor fitness club and that group is so welcoming and friendly. They've just had a Christmas party together.
You sound lovely, you will find your people.

Have you tried the Peanut app? I know it's not as spontaneous as meeting IRL, but I've met some lovely people on there.

I lived in London for a bit but was in my twenties and gadding about town as my Mother used to put it. I also grew up on the South coast. I moved North for work and met DH also a Southerner in the North and we moved further North 25 years ago. It’s a stereotype but people are just much friendlier up here.

My friend has just relocated back down South, she popped in yesterday as is visiting for Christmas. After chatting to her I am reminded of why I will never go South again. It’s not you op but I will say to find people you can become genuine friends with is a numbers game just like dating. Your anxiety means it’s harder for you to put yourself out here but join as many groups as you can manage.

With the Halloween group, I would have said hi and made a complimentary comment about costumes. By asking could you walk along it makes it a bit awkward because it is a sort of yes/no scenario. I would have been happy to go off and hope that I bumped in to them again for another quick hi again.

Neighbours aren’t obliged to be your friends. Yes you live near each other but there’s no rule that neighbours have to get on.

Tbh you sound a bit overbearing with how you’ve approached this so far. They don’t know you and you’ve asked them for coffee and a play date - I’d probably say no if a neighbour asked me that too.

If you want to make friends with local people then join a group where people are actively looking to socialise with others. Just being a neighbour doesn’t mean they want to socialise.

Why should people be making effort just because you happen to live in the vicinity? Not everybody wants to be friends with their neighbours, I have no interest in that whatsoever and would actively avoid it actually. The women you see could be old school friends, colleagues, anything.

I would join something to meet people that way.

Just remember it's not you, it's them. People are so inclusive and friendly up here.

This is one of the reasons I left the south east and moved to Somerset.
The miserable unfriendly people who look at you as though you were something that crawled out from under a rock.
In Somerset everyone wants to be your friend and I know all my neighbours really well.

Of course you’re not unreasonable to want to make friends. But you are unreasonable to say your neighbours SHOULD be making more effort. Why? Their desire for privacy is no less valid than your desire for friendship. As far as they’re concerned, all you have in common is a postcode, and that’s perfectly fine.

As others have said, you will probably have more luck with hobby groups or activities. You will already be two steps ahead in that you’ll have an interest in common, and that most people join such groups at least partially for the social aspect.

It isn’t her OR them. It’s just two different approaches.

Echo what everyone else says.

I moved to my area 4 years ago and don't really know neighbours besides pleasantries, I wouldn't expect to break into an existing friendship group - sad but true.

You need to find other new people to the area, even with that it can take years, so 10 months is nothing.
It's really hard, i just have accepted i'm not going to have a close friendship group here and go to my own hobby group and sign my kids up to sports clubs/extra curricular activities.
It's depressing if I think about it but also freeing to stop trying to make friends with people who have zero interest