wish neighbours were friendly

[anony1mous1]

I moved into my current home 6/7 months ago. I feel incredibly lonely. I’m from an area where everyone talks to everyone but moving here to an area of London where everyone just seems so uninterested in making new friends. I’ve been very friendly saying hello to everyone, there is even a child in one of my DC classes living here but the mother seems so off every time I’ve suggested a playdate or coffee so I’ve left it now. It breaks my heart when I see a group of mums walking past from the neighbourhood with their kids same age as mine.

I went completely out of my comfort zone in halloween when I saw the same group walking by I asked if I could join with my little ones, it was so awkward you could just tell from their body language they didn’t want us to join in.

i don’t know where I’m going wrong. Surely they should be making some effort too in terms of asking how we settling in and where we moved from etc? I’m writing Xmas cards to them all, will post them with kids later and hoping I will bump into some of them. I feel so lonely here.

I find it so weird that so many people are saying they'd be annoyed if their neighbours were friendly to them. It must be a southern thing.

I don't see my neighbours much and they're 30 years older so we don't have much in common. But if I had neighbours with kids in the same school class as my kids, why wouldn't I want to be friendly with them? It's a lot nearer for the kids to play together, useful if the car is in the garage and a kid needs a lift to school as a one-off, they can walk together when they get a bit older etc.

It's sad that so many kids don't play with the neighbouring kids like they used to, indoors or out. What happened to walking over to your friend's house for tea or kicking a football outside? It seems like these days kids are so busy getting shipped off to extra calculus, premier league youth clubs or grand chess master tournaments that they just don't get any time to themselves any more.

You're in London, there must be SO MANY social and hobby groups you could try. Both family oriented and not. Just look at Meetup, or search for London plus hobby (plus parents and/or family if you'd like to meet people with your children) groups on here and you'll get tons.

It is hard though, I empathise completely. I think lack of openness to new people is a particular problem in northern Europe, I don't think people from hotter countries tend to have this trouble. We have a deadly loneliness epidemic in this country and I'm not sure how we can really address that, although challenging the narrative that friendship doesn't really matter would help a lot.

Do not be discouraged! In London there are loads of cliquey groups of mums but also loads of mums like you that just moved to an area and are looking for friends. Just look for the them in the playground, at the school gate, at the kid activities. Smile and chat and see how things proceed. Some of them you will realise you don’t have much in common but some you will and with time you will make new friends. It takes a bit though, so just give yourself time but also make a bit of effort. Once you have made a few friends you will get to know their friends and it will be way easier!

It's so interesting to me that people are saying they'd never be friends with neighbours because they probably have nothing in common - yet they've decided this without spending even a small amount of time finding out anything about these people.

Loads of people suggesting groups are a good place to find friends because then you'd have a common interest. I've literally never found that. People go to kids groups (with younger kids than OPs it should be mentioned) to keep their kids entertained and are generally more concerned with the logistics of their day after the group than talking to other adults beyond a couple of comparisons of their respective kids. Older kids groups don't need adults to be present. Adult hobby groups are often full of people who have either gone with others they know or are quite introverted anyway and are there because they aren't socialising directly with others.

As someone else was saying, it will probably take over a year if not more to find someone willing to take part in an organised "date". I guess you just have to keep trying. The friends I have in my new area were just strokes of good luck. 2 of them were at different toddler groups and had kids of the same age (I went to a lot of different groups and met no one at most of them - until one mum had the same profession as me and one had a kid who was super friendly to mine) and 1 person I met through an online market place and we'd happened to have been travelling to the same country. That's it. Averaging one friend a year I guess! And of the 3 I probably see 2 of these people once every 2-3 months.

People are so different in the way they view the world. I agree with a PP who said you'd be better off trying to find other new comers to the area. I'd also agree with not trying to push it with people who seem standoffish. They are not your people - life is definitely too short to be chasing people who are not naturally friendly towards you.

I had an interesting conversation once with a colleague I met in NZ. He was from South Africa and was complaining that people were not as social as they were in SA. He missed not being able to drop by someone's house unannounced. Which was funny because at the time, I was living in a house in NZ where people would just walk in unannounced all the time. I told him NZ was a lot more social than my experience in the UK (me being at a colleagues house for lunch a few months after I met him was case in point but again, I feel that was the outsiders coming together!) I guess a lot of it's just circumstance. I do miss living in warmer countries. People seemed so much more outwardly friendly (maybe it's the colder weather that makes us so insular in the UK generally?!). My car broke down once there in rush hour (on a quiet road so I wasn't massively in the way) and not 1 not 2 but 3 separate guys stopped to help me. I'm willing to bet not 1 person would have stopped here.

I hope you make a breakthrough soon OP xx

London don't work like that ( being friendly to random people)
I'm LONDONER born and bred. This is LONDON in its rawest sense. I was a child growing up and even then it scared me how cold and hard the atmosphere is.

I’m a Londoner born & bred & that is not the London I recognise. Yes you don’t often say hello to a random person you’ve never seen before but knowing your neighbours was normal for me. I played out with other dc as a child etc. I like having friendly, it’s good for neighbour watch, borrowing something etc We moved to a different part of London 6 months ago & I got 4 christmas cards from my new neighbours & they have all been here yonks.

Hi,
I'm so sorry this has happened. I've just moved from London to the North, and I can assure you, it's not you, it's them. It would not be hard for them to include you and yet they're not. I assumed people wouldn't make space for me up here, but I was wrong. They have, and it's really nice. So yes, London can be a horrible place to live. You do end up making your community though, you'll have to join things which might not be in your direct area. You're not wrong for trying to make friends with them! It could have been perfect. But go where you are appreciated.

It's so interesting to me that people are saying they'd never be friends with neighbours because they probably have nothing in common - yet they've decided this without spending even a small amount of time finding out anything about these people.

I don’t think it’s a case of people assuming they will have nothing in common with their neighbours; more that proximity is not enough, in itself, to start building a friendship on. You wouldn’t deliberately try to befriend someone who lived two streets away rather than two doors away purely on the basis of their address, so why are immediate neighbours different?

Loads of people suggesting groups are a good place to find friends because then you'd have a common interest. I've literally never found that. People go to kids groups (with younger kids than OPs it should be mentioned) to keep their kids entertained and are generally more concerned with the logistics of their day after the group than talking to other adults beyond a couple of comparisons of their respective kids. Older kids groups don't need adults to be present. Adult hobby groups are often full of people who have either gone with others they know or are quite introverted anyway and are there because they aren't socialising directly with others.

Again, hobby groups aren’t necessarily a Mecca for making new friends, but at least everyone there has actively chosen to get involved and has made the effort to be there, rather than just coincidentally living nearby.

I don’t think it’s a case of people assuming they will have nothing in common with their neighbours; more that proximity is not enough, in itself, to start building a friendship on.

I always think proximity is the thing that starts friendship eg school, uni, work, other mums in baby group or at school gate & neighbours. A few from each lifestyle become forever friends if you are lucky.

life stage not style!

Thank you to everyone that posted. I did end up giving Xmas cards out I really wish I hadn’t! I didn’t send to everyone but just the few people I do know the names of. I didn’t get one back apart from one elderly lady, I’m disappointed that the ones with kids same age as me didn’t even acknowledge me since and I’ve seen them on the street, I didn’t bother saying hi as it’s always me who makes the effort first.

I didn’t want to be too outing but I don’t care anymore. It’s a gated community in London with 40 houses in the development. There’s 19 other houses on my side of the development. I don’t really see or go to the other part so I only really say hi to my side. I’m gonna stop now but it’s really not in my nature not to say “good morning” when I see someone I know! I really have to stop. I’ll keep my energy for those that do interact with me.

6/7 months is not a long time, it might improve over time. Could you befriend the older woman who gave you the card? Maybe you're being too picky about who your friends are, sometimes it's just about being friends with the people who are open to it whether you're at the same age and life stage or not

neighbours can be very useful to talk too and you can help each other out.

Maybe volunteer to be the class rep so you get to know everyone. Or on the school committee. This opens doors. However I will say the school cliques are really awful. I am pretty friendly but god forbid you step out of line. I also find that groups become very established and there seems to be an unwritten code about not being open to extending invites out to others

I've lived in London almost all my life and I've never found it particularly friendly. I personally don't feel the need for lots of friends and life with young dc is too busy to fit them in - after school is for activities, homework and bedtime routines. Weekends are family time, trips out and classes. School holidays are for family holidays and day camps and trips. We don't know our neighbours well and have never got to know them anywhere we've lived in London. Pp says they could help us out but I have never felt the need for their help and wouldn't want to feel obligated to help them out either.

I've made more friends pre-dc doing hobbies and adult classes - as you have older dc that's something you could get involved in (for me they're something I've dropped while my dcs are young).

Op its hard. My housing estate ok but can be cliquey. Might be a wave if we bring bins in lol. I found I met people either through kids or maybe a hobby. My friend in a choir. I did walk group met few via that. I agree its difficult.

Must be a London thing. We Scots are not like that. I'm glad 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

@girlfriend44 and that's fine for you but whilst I have a plethora of friends from school, college, work places, shared activities etc. I don't want neighbours as friends. I will be polite that is sufficient in my book.

Experience has taught me to keep distance from neighbours so if there are issues, noise, children being brats, it is a lot easier to sort.It also is a pain when they start to live in your pocket and can't step outside without them thinking you want a chat. Fading them out gets complicated to say the least.

I am nearly 50 and this has served me, family and majority of friends well. Each to their own.

@Marblessolveeverything theres a difference between “live in your pocket and can't step outside without them thinking you want a chat” and just being friendly and polite!

The only time I've completely lost sight of what makes life worth living was the years I wasted in London. It's not you, OP, London is a different world, unless you have tons of cash and/or contacts. If you possibly can, leave as soon as possible.

My daughter in law had success with the peanut app. It's rotten feeling so lonely and you have my sympathies. I think it helps if you are just open and friendly with people you meet, and hopefully you'll find some you click with.

Have you consided joining groups? I'm not in London but round here the WI membership is getting younger, and we have a handful of 'young mums'. Church or other religious groups?

I hope you find some friends! Don't give up 💐

@anony1mous1 with respect I think our interpretation of polite is different.

As I have already stated I would be polite say hello etc. see someone I say hello to joining me and my friends trick treating as being intrusive. Different folks different strokes.