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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wish neighbours were friendly

71 replies

anony1mous1 · 19/12/2023 07:40

I moved into my current home 6/7 months ago. I feel incredibly lonely. I’m from an area where everyone talks to everyone but moving here to an area of London where everyone just seems so uninterested in making new friends. I’ve been very friendly saying hello to everyone, there is even a child in one of my DC classes living here but the mother seems so off every time I’ve suggested a playdate or coffee so I’ve left it now. It breaks my heart when I see a group of mums walking past from the neighbourhood with their kids same age as mine.

I went completely out of my comfort zone in halloween when I saw the same group walking by I asked if I could join with my little ones, it was so awkward you could just tell from their body language they didn’t want us to join in.

i don’t know where I’m going wrong. Surely they should be making some effort too in terms of asking how we settling in and where we moved from etc? I’m writing Xmas cards to them all, will post them with kids later and hoping I will bump into some of them. I feel so lonely here.

OP posts:
HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 19/12/2023 14:25

It almost certainly isn't you, it's just that most people have busy lives and only have time to accommodate a certain number of friendships.

justaboutdonenow · 19/12/2023 15:31

I've never understood why people get so bent out of shape over neighbours who aren't all chummy.

Apart from a shared postcode I probably wouldn't have much in common with them, so aside from being cordial I keep my neighbours at arm's length.

Northernladdette · 19/12/2023 15:47

I feel for you. Personally I wouldn’t post the cards, you might come across as desperate. Some of my friends I’ve had for over thirty years I met through my children. Do you chat to mums in the playground/en route to school/ whilst waiting for children whilst in activities? Do your children have birthday parties?

Katela18 · 19/12/2023 15:49

I think like others have said you need to look for friendship outside of your street. I'd look at parents of kids your children are friends with, or joining local clubs ?

I live on a small cul de sac in the Midlands, neighbours are all friendly in terms of say hello, take in the odd parcel, pull out the bins if someone is on holiday but we aren't friends - the only thing we have in common is we happen to live on the same street so I wouldn't look for friendships here. Also, I always find 'bumping' into a neighbour who wants to then talk for ages can be quite annoying, usually when i'm outside my house it's because im busy doing something - trying to wrangle tired kids after nursery, hauling in school, trying to get everyone in the car and out on time. So i also probably would seem a bit disinterested if my neighbour started suggesting playdates.

We did move to our area from an hour away a couple of years ago, i've developed friendships here through the nursery / meeting people at parties and also joined a local club.

fairydust11 · 19/12/2023 16:00

StockpotSoup · 19/12/2023 14:16

Of course you’re not unreasonable to want to make friends. But you are unreasonable to say your neighbours SHOULD be making more effort. Why? Their desire for privacy is no less valid than your desire for friendship. As far as they’re concerned, all you have in common is a postcode, and that’s perfectly fine.

As others have said, you will probably have more luck with hobby groups or activities. You will already be two steps ahead in that you’ll have an interest in common, and that most people join such groups at least partially for the social aspect.

Completely agree with this.
Yabu - you can’t rely on neighbours as your friendship group and you shouldn’t expect them to make the effort with you.
I wouldn’t have invited myself and my children to go trick or treating with them & then continued to do so even when it was extremely awkward and seemed obvious they didn’t want you there either.
However, I would’ve sent Christmas cards, I send Christmas cards to my neighbours, I think that’s fine.
In the new year you need to join groups to make friends, sports clubs etc. Good luck.

SarcasmAndCoffee · 19/12/2023 16:03

Try the app peanut - it’s like tinder but for mum friends instead of dates xx

EmmyA87 · 19/12/2023 16:38

We moved out of London just over a year ago and I feel the exact same as you. We’d only been in our old area a little under 2 years but made such good friends with our neighbours-2 of whom are still my closest friends!- but since moving all we do is stay home. It sucks as I have to drive into London every so often so we can still see them/family. If I don’t we wouldn’t see anyone which is hurtful. Now I just make use of the weekends and we’ll do trails in the nature reserves, go to the cinema/trampoline parks. Before we’d be in the park everyday until dusk but don’t think we’ve done that ONCE since moving. Maybe try NextDoor or join your local Facebook groups. Or the app Peanut is a good way to meet mum friends x

Daisies12 · 19/12/2023 16:39

honestly, I think your expectations are too high. And you might have nothing in common with your neighbours? If you want to meet new friends, much better to attend an activity/class/hobby.

SadKenny · 19/12/2023 17:03

It's not you personally OP. I think so many people are just overwhelmed with life these days.

Myself, I barely have the time or energy to see my friends and family who I love very much. I just don't have the mental capacity/headspace to make new friends when I hardly ever have time to see my own long term friends.

Between working a full on job, the house and everything else, my brain is full of a million things I should be doing and people I need to see.

We have a very nice new person at work who has a few times tried to set up evening/weekend drinks, and so many people are so busy that they just can't commit to it.

Marchitectmummy · 19/12/2023 17:55

Tricky, can you pick off the most friendly and get to know her first? Groups are always hard to penetrate. We live in London but lived in Newcastle for a while...everyone was friendly on the surface bur no one wanted more than a hi. We had reason to help one of the neighbours and ended up getting to know them quite well.

Sometimes it just takes one thing to turn strangers into friends keep going.

InfamousPartyAnimal · 19/12/2023 18:11

I live up North and I'm not friends with any of my neighbours. We both work full time and with 2 children we are barely ever at home!
I won't lie, if someone moved in near me and was on my case to be friends I would be really put off, I don't have time for anymore people in my life and neighbours are at the bottom of the pile when it comes to socialising.

Vonesk · 19/12/2023 20:18

London don't work like that ( being friendly to random people)
I'm LONDONER born and bred. This is LONDON in it's rawest sense. I was a child growing up and even then it scared me how cold and hard the atmosphere is. I HAD TO GET OUT and connect with a school friend lest I would die from LONDON LONELINESS. The best advice would be A position of local employment to infiltrate a group of some kind. Then you are introduced to others.
Approaching a group randomly is not it.
You leave yourself open to rebuffs.
It will happen, you will eventually crack it.

bingobanjo · 20/12/2023 17:56

x

Goatymum · 20/12/2023 18:03

I have no particular interest in my neighbours - end of a short terrace - immediate neighbour is v odd, one next to him are a young family. We say hi, but are so different in our life stage (I’m sure if we were 15 years young we’d be more pally). It seems your neighbours may all have grown up together or have a specific bond. I’d find it weird if a new person wanted to break into my established friend circles, but I have newer ‘separate’ friends which don’t have anything to do with my friends from my teens (unless they meet at a party or thrown).
So what I’m trying to say is that you need to try to make new separate friends and not try to infiltrate a group, then something may grow organically.

Alexa51 · 20/12/2023 21:49

Aww. You sound really nice. I'd want to be friends with you. My kids are the same age actually. Some people are just unfriendly and cliquey. But there are always nice people and you will find them. I moved when my eldest was 8 months. It was honestly the most unfriendly cliquey place you could find - the type of place where people move round the corner from their mum and have all their old friends from school. So so unfriendly. But, I did eventually meet a few nice people.

I think it will happen naturally through school etc - probably when you're least looking for it. I've just moved again with kids the same age as yours. I think it takes a lot longer to meet people when your kids are older and you're at work etc. But it will happen. Good luck.

Canthave2manycats · 20/12/2023 21:55

I live in what could be described as a northern and traditionally friendly area.

We have lived in our house for 25 years and we aren't friends with any of our neighbours. I don't know if some of them have closer relationships and our DC2 has been BFF with a neighbour's kid for 21 years but we have no interaction with the family.

I think it's just the way of things now. I don't really want people in and out of my house just because they live where I do, and I guess other people feel the same.

Rattatoille · 20/12/2023 22:37

Try a church attendence, OP. It's not just Sunday services, they have midweek activities too.

auburnglow788 · 20/12/2023 23:00

Living in London can be like that. I remember standing at the bus stop, with the same people, every morning for 2 years and not one single 'Good morning' was ever exchanged.

Cheshiresun · 21/12/2023 00:16

You're not alone. When we moved to our current house it was marketed as a young, growing family area.

However, 9 out of 10 of the neighbourhood are elderly/retired/empty nesters in relatively large family homes. Nothing in common with most of them. During Covid a Whatsapp Group was created, which at times was quite chatty but has become inactive ever since.

I guess we've just had to come to terms with not relying on the road/neighbourhood for a social life and we go elsewhere for that.

StockpotSoup · 21/12/2023 00:46

Some people are just unfriendly and cliquey. But there are always nice people and you will find them. I moved when my eldest was 8 months. It was honestly the most unfriendly cliquey place you could find - the type of place where people move round the corner from their mum and have all their old friends from school. So so unfriendly. But, I did eventually meet a few nice people.

But they clearly weren’t unfriendly - otherwise how did they keep friendships going from childhood into adulthood? What you mean is that they weren’t desperate to make new friends, or to engage with the neighbours in the way you thought they should.

People aren’t horrible and unfriendly just because they choose their friends on a non-postcode basis.

Lilacanemone · 21/12/2023 00:54

StockpotSoup · 21/12/2023 00:46

Some people are just unfriendly and cliquey. But there are always nice people and you will find them. I moved when my eldest was 8 months. It was honestly the most unfriendly cliquey place you could find - the type of place where people move round the corner from their mum and have all their old friends from school. So so unfriendly. But, I did eventually meet a few nice people.

But they clearly weren’t unfriendly - otherwise how did they keep friendships going from childhood into adulthood? What you mean is that they weren’t desperate to make new friends, or to engage with the neighbours in the way you thought they should.

People aren’t horrible and unfriendly just because they choose their friends on a non-postcode basis.

Well yes, they were unfriendly if the OP could tell from their body language they didn’t want her and her children to join them at Halloween and are off when asked if they want to meet for coffee or play dates. If they won’t even give someone new who is making an effort a chance, that’s unfriendly.

StockpotSoup · 21/12/2023 00:57

You’re getting the OP confused with the post I quoted.

Lesleyknopeswaffleiron · 21/12/2023 08:52

There’s a lot to unpack here OP.

Sorry if I missed it, but what prompted you to move to London? Was it work? If so, could your work help in setting up a buddy system to help you settle in?

If you are a SAHP, what about volunteering or even asking the school if there are parents groups?

Orcarain · 21/12/2023 09:59

So sorry you’re feeling so isolated OP

dont know if it’s been mentioned, but when my sister moved to a new city she used the dating app Bumble - but used the friendship version. She met an incredible girl who is now her best friend that way.

Pookerrod · 21/12/2023 11:48

I remember feeling that this when I first moved to London with a 3month old. It is tough making friends in a big city. That all changed when my eldest started school though and now I have a large group of close friends.

I did it by joining the PTA and being class rep a couple of times. It was really difficult as I also worked full time so didn’t really have the time for PTA or repping duties but I pushed myself and it meant that I got to know so many people.

Perhaps you could do that in the new year?