SIL and unequal gift giving

[7whiteclouds]

Growing up, my parents and aunts&uncles would always spend equal values on presents for the nieces and nephews for birthdays and Christmas’. I.E. my parents would spend £30each on aunt Jo’s kids, and aunt Jo would spend £30 each on me and my sibling.

As an adult, I’ve tried to do the same. We only have nieces/nephews on DH’s side. I’ve expressed multiple times over the years to SIL about agreeing the same amount to spend on the kids so it’s fair all round. The first year, SIL implemented this. Every year since she’s tried to spend as little as possible on my DC, not asking what they’d like or for ideas - yet she’s sent specific links to exact items that she would like for her DC. Often around the £30 mark per child. Yet for my DC, she sends presents that have a value of approx £10 each. Gifts that have no thought to them, that she’s perhaps just picked up whilst doing her weekly shop. I’ve always gone to the effort of buying niece/nephew an additional small thoughtful surprise, and wrapped nicely.

My DC12 is not my DH’s biological DC, therefore not SIL’s biological niece/nephew. This year she did not bother to send a birthday gift; yet sent a £10 gift for my other DC (who is her biological niece/nephew) when it was his birthday a couple of months back. Myself and DC12 have been in SIL’s lives for 10+ years. It’s clear that this year she just couldn’t be bothered to spend the money on a nonbiological niece/nephew, as she still sent a gift for biological DC.

In addition, she has messaged DH asking for specific £30+ Christmas items for each of her DC. She has not asked what my DC would like for Christmas, and said she would just send some money. (It will 100% be £10 each)

this is not an issue of gift value. SIL and BIL are very well off and lead lives that a lot would be envious of. SIL is renowned for being tight with her money. They are better off than us.

There are 2 issues for me:

1. not sending DS12 a gift this year as I know she can’t be bothered because he’s not biological to her. Evidenced by her still sending my other DC a birthday gift.

2. expecting us to send specific gifts of higher value for her DC, yet acting like she can’t be arsed to make the effort to find out what my DC would like as gifts. Then always buying gifts of a much lower value, yet expecting us to spend more on her kids.

DH doesn’t see the issue with it and always shrugs me off when I bring up my annoyance.

I’ve asked DH not to buy the £30 items for SIL’s DC, but instead send £10 each; just like she’s doing for my DC. But he won’t as he doesn’t see the issue.

Aibu to be annoyed about SIL not buying for my DC12 and also expecting us to spend more on her DC and giving very little thought to mine?

we haven’t really been on speaking terms for the past 12 months due to a fall out, so I feel that not buying DS12 a birthday present is a personal thing against me. Also, can’t discuss the Christmas presents with her personally due to this. It’s only DH who has contact with her.

When you say non-biological do you mean your DH isn't their legal father eg. From a previous relationship so a step child? Or adopted?

Issue 1 is a common one in blended families with stepchildren and I think you just have to let that go, you can't force people to see a stepchild as family. Sad as it is.

If your child is adopted or sperm donor conception and DH is their father then that's a really shitty thing to do.

YANBU.P, but if DH won’t stop buying gifts then you need to get bolshy and and send SIL links to expensive gifts for ALL of your children. Don’t let her get away with it.

I’d just text her and let her know you’ll be doing money in a card like she is. Save yourself some money and some faf.

Sorry, I should have been clearer. Yes DC12 is from a previous relationship, so DH’s step DC.

Sorry I didn’t read the post properly. I think you need to speak to DH about why he is allowing his sister to act like that and then sending her children gifts that she requests? You need to be on the same page.

Or just let it go and accept it is what it is.

I'd tell DH under no circumstances to.put my name on gifts for SiL DC. He can do as it pleases out of his own money but not from joint account money. Or you could go nuclear and send a link for an equally expensive gift for your DC including maybe even an identical gift her DC wants.

As you only briefly mention bil and it's mostly about sil - so is this your dhs sister?

Because if it's the wife of his brother, or your brother, then it should be the brother sorting this all out.

Good suggestion

It’s your DH’s sister, so up to him what he wants to send, but I’d send a message, regardless of no contact, linking what your dc want-both of them.

How old are all the kids involved?
Why don't you also send links for gifts for your kids?

How many kids do you each have? If you have more then does it equal out?

Send a link for your children's requested gifts but let your DH sort the gifts for her DC-it's his sister to sort gifts for, not yours.

As you have fallen out with SIL, and have not spoken she has cut you and your child out.
This is your husbands thing to sort out.

This year just get the gifts on the links, it's DH's family and that's his decision. It's also a bit late in the year to be changing plans and there is zero point falling out with DH over the sake of £20.

However find a time in the new year to discuss calmly with DH. You can set out your stall in a non-emotional way. Without the pressure of having received the lists from SIL already, he may be more likely to agree to just to send money in a card.

Communicate early in the year with SIL (via DH if required), and just match whatever she gave to your kids this year.

I would suggest to 'save postage and make it easier' that going forward you buy and wrap something up for your dc and put their name on it and they do the same for their children from you. It slightly defeats the point of swapping presents but if you hardly ever see them anyway or at least you are not together for the swap it at least means that you choose what you spend and it is something your dc want and it is equal between your dc.

Have you ever sent a list or link?

Also it’s all good and well someone spending £30 a child but if the other person really couldn’t spend £30 back your getting into a spat over someone being poorer whilst your dh is actually happy to spend that on his nieces / nephews.

Blended families are always a possible issue with regard to your first child.

My sil always asks exactly what our dc want but dh never asks her what her children want and so I basically grab bits here and there for them. Can’t say I’ve ever costed up head per head though. Though she probably has because she is that petty.

Just a thought-does your eldest receive gifts from their father’s Family?

we haven’t really been on speaking terms for the past 12 months due to a fall out,

Way to smuggle the crucial information in at the end!

You don't speak to her and you wonder why she isn't buying your child a gift? Stay out of the interaction between DH and his DSis, and he can buy whatever gifts he thinks appropriate.

This is down to your husband. Or discuss links you can send her, with your OH and have him send them over and go from there.

but I wouldn’t be telling him what he can and can’t give his own nieces/nephews

Just because she’s sent you a link to a gift for her kids doesn’t mean you have to buy it. Just get them a £10 voucher for Argos/Smyths/Lego/wherever it’s from and some sweets. Just say it’s to put towards the item you want.

edited to add… or you could send links back to her for more expensive gifts for your kids.

I totally understand your frustration OP, especially when it comes to your husband not catching on…. I’ve found it takes them a while.

No you not unreasonable at all but let your husband deal with the gifts.

She's not a nice person to take her anger out on your oldest child.

As long as its not your money buying the gifts, just let it go.

Surely just tell her what you want her to get for your DC - both of them?

But why should an innocent child be affected? Her DC refer to DC12 as their cousin… so why should it be accepted that it’s okay to not buy DC12 a present yet I still buy her DC presents, regardless of the fallout?

Have you talked to her about it and asked why she doesn’t buy for your eldest DC?

Didn't you post the exact same post a few weeks ago or was it last Christmas?