SIL and unequal gift giving

[7whiteclouds]

Growing up, my parents and aunts&uncles would always spend equal values on presents for the nieces and nephews for birthdays and Christmas’. I.E. my parents would spend £30each on aunt Jo’s kids, and aunt Jo would spend £30 each on me and my sibling.

As an adult, I’ve tried to do the same. We only have nieces/nephews on DH’s side. I’ve expressed multiple times over the years to SIL about agreeing the same amount to spend on the kids so it’s fair all round. The first year, SIL implemented this. Every year since she’s tried to spend as little as possible on my DC, not asking what they’d like or for ideas - yet she’s sent specific links to exact items that she would like for her DC. Often around the £30 mark per child. Yet for my DC, she sends presents that have a value of approx £10 each. Gifts that have no thought to them, that she’s perhaps just picked up whilst doing her weekly shop. I’ve always gone to the effort of buying niece/nephew an additional small thoughtful surprise, and wrapped nicely.

My DC12 is not my DH’s biological DC, therefore not SIL’s biological niece/nephew. This year she did not bother to send a birthday gift; yet sent a £10 gift for my other DC (who is her biological niece/nephew) when it was his birthday a couple of months back. Myself and DC12 have been in SIL’s lives for 10+ years. It’s clear that this year she just couldn’t be bothered to spend the money on a nonbiological niece/nephew, as she still sent a gift for biological DC.

In addition, she has messaged DH asking for specific £30+ Christmas items for each of her DC. She has not asked what my DC would like for Christmas, and said she would just send some money. (It will 100% be £10 each)

this is not an issue of gift value. SIL and BIL are very well off and lead lives that a lot would be envious of. SIL is renowned for being tight with her money. They are better off than us.

There are 2 issues for me:

1. not sending DS12 a gift this year as I know she can’t be bothered because he’s not biological to her. Evidenced by her still sending my other DC a birthday gift.

2. expecting us to send specific gifts of higher value for her DC, yet acting like she can’t be arsed to make the effort to find out what my DC would like as gifts. Then always buying gifts of a much lower value, yet expecting us to spend more on her kids.

DH doesn’t see the issue with it and always shrugs me off when I bring up my annoyance.

I’ve asked DH not to buy the £30 items for SIL’s DC, but instead send £10 each; just like she’s doing for my DC. But he won’t as he doesn’t see the issue.

Aibu to be annoyed about SIL not buying for my DC12 and also expecting us to spend more on her DC and giving very little thought to mine?

we haven’t really been on speaking terms for the past 12 months due to a fall out, so I feel that not buying DS12 a birthday present is a personal thing against me. Also, can’t discuss the Christmas presents with her personally due to this. It’s only DH who has contact with her.

This

She didn’t follow links, so why are you?

Is it you doing the buying or your stupid H? If it’s you, don’t bother at all. I bet your stupid H won’t bother himself.

Who care what the grabby twat thinks or says of you’re not talking to her anyway? Screw her. Her kids likely get more than enough as it is.

I agree with those who suggest stopping the gift giving altogether. Especially as you don't live nearby or see each other much. If OP doesn't want to do that or her DH won't then I think she needs to take herself out of this situation actually and have nothing to do with it. Let her DH deal with any exchanging of gifts with his sister. He can buy them, wrap them and send or deliver them. He can also send any ideas for his own DC and deal with any thank-yous etc. Preferably he can pay out of his own money if they don't have everything joint. In this scenario OP should get an extra present for her eldest to compensate for the lack of SIL gift (assuming eldest doesn't get gifts from her DF or his family), or if SIL is sending money perhaps use it to buy a family board game or something they can all enjoy.

Your husband clearly does see the issue otherwise he would be fine sending £10 back too? Clearly he won’t just send £10 because he knows it’s too little to her, OR that she’ll find it thoughtless.

So he knows full well why you find it a problem that your children (or one of them at least) receive just £10. He just doesn’t want to deal with his sister and call her out on the hypocrisy. For what it’s worth I’d be upset he didn’t stick up for his stepchild because it is unfair for step siblings to openly see themselves be treated differently to the “full” siblings.

Realistically there’s nothing you can do without contacting her directly and any “retaliation” will just bounce onto all the kids anyway. Sometimes you’ve got to accept people for what they are and you have minimal contact anyway. I’d say either she gifts both kids or neither and beyond that just lever her to it.

She's probably enjoying getting under your skin...

This is for your DH to deal with.

especially as your relationship with SIL is awful and she is sending him links
My party line would be "tight arse SIL is sending us £30 of gifts so your budget for SILs kids is £30... If you want to buy stuff off her list that's fine but anything over £30 comes from your personal spends, not communal, as i hate sil our kids are being mugged off by this"

I would also stop gifts at 12 and do cash in a card or nothing

I think the (unanswered by the op) question about what does your child get from their father and his side of the family is quite relevant. Do they get gifts for all the children?