SIL and unequal gift giving

[7whiteclouds]

Growing up, my parents and aunts&uncles would always spend equal values on presents for the nieces and nephews for birthdays and Christmas’. I.E. my parents would spend £30each on aunt Jo’s kids, and aunt Jo would spend £30 each on me and my sibling.

As an adult, I’ve tried to do the same. We only have nieces/nephews on DH’s side. I’ve expressed multiple times over the years to SIL about agreeing the same amount to spend on the kids so it’s fair all round. The first year, SIL implemented this. Every year since she’s tried to spend as little as possible on my DC, not asking what they’d like or for ideas - yet she’s sent specific links to exact items that she would like for her DC. Often around the £30 mark per child. Yet for my DC, she sends presents that have a value of approx £10 each. Gifts that have no thought to them, that she’s perhaps just picked up whilst doing her weekly shop. I’ve always gone to the effort of buying niece/nephew an additional small thoughtful surprise, and wrapped nicely.

My DC12 is not my DH’s biological DC, therefore not SIL’s biological niece/nephew. This year she did not bother to send a birthday gift; yet sent a £10 gift for my other DC (who is her biological niece/nephew) when it was his birthday a couple of months back. Myself and DC12 have been in SIL’s lives for 10+ years. It’s clear that this year she just couldn’t be bothered to spend the money on a nonbiological niece/nephew, as she still sent a gift for biological DC.

In addition, she has messaged DH asking for specific £30+ Christmas items for each of her DC. She has not asked what my DC would like for Christmas, and said she would just send some money. (It will 100% be £10 each)

this is not an issue of gift value. SIL and BIL are very well off and lead lives that a lot would be envious of. SIL is renowned for being tight with her money. They are better off than us.

There are 2 issues for me:

1. not sending DS12 a gift this year as I know she can’t be bothered because he’s not biological to her. Evidenced by her still sending my other DC a birthday gift.

2. expecting us to send specific gifts of higher value for her DC, yet acting like she can’t be arsed to make the effort to find out what my DC would like as gifts. Then always buying gifts of a much lower value, yet expecting us to spend more on her kids.

DH doesn’t see the issue with it and always shrugs me off when I bring up my annoyance.

I’ve asked DH not to buy the £30 items for SIL’s DC, but instead send £10 each; just like she’s doing for my DC. But he won’t as he doesn’t see the issue.

Aibu to be annoyed about SIL not buying for my DC12 and also expecting us to spend more on her DC and giving very little thought to mine?

we haven’t really been on speaking terms for the past 12 months due to a fall out, so I feel that not buying DS12 a birthday present is a personal thing against me. Also, can’t discuss the Christmas presents with her personally due to this. It’s only DH who has contact with her.

Well you could keep doing what you're doing (because you shouldn't give just to get) or also just buy her kids token gifts. What you cannot do is tell her how to spend her money, much as it frustrates you.

All children are 12 and under. I’ve sent links many times in the past and either a) she either doesn’t get it and sends a gift voucher for a cheaper value instead (even though the gift value was the same as what she’d requested for her DC) or b) shes brought it but there’s always seemed to be some sort of accompanying issue. I.E. one of the kids presents got lost in transit apparently one year - she didn’t replace it. But because we aren’t on speaking terms currently, I don’t feel like I can randomly message her my present request after not messaging for 12 months 🤣

we have one more child than SIL, I have considered the overall total value. But it still always works out that our giving far outweighs her giving. Especially now that she hasn’t sent a present at all for DC12’s birthday.

I’ve never posted about this before.

I’d love to, but I worry the conversation would just be difficult and sour.

Surely you spend £10 on each of your nieces/nephews and don’t give it another thought.

If she can’t treat all children equally then I’d message and tell them to stop all gift givin between nieces and nephews. No birthday and no Christmas, saves anyone feeling left out.

This year, get ahead of DH and say you will buy the DC a board game to share plus a selection box each. Your SIL is a CF and if your DH won't do something about it, you need to. Ignore her requests for specific presents. If she mentions it say "well SIL you always ignore our suggestions so we decided to do the same!"

Op just don't put up with this absolute crap anymore

Your kid must feel it.... not getting a gift! How can you smooth that over? You can't

Your DH is at fault here

I buy for my kids (with my money) presents from my SIL and she does the same for hers. We have an unequal number of children and don't see each other often so I don't know what my neices like. This is so much easier and means we can spend as much or little as we like... To this day I don't know if my neices think I'm mean Auntie MM or extravagant Auntie. Hopefully somewhere in the middle 😂 Honestly now all the kids are growing up and p I have to think we should stop this altogether and not do presents but SIL likes it.

I honestly couldn't let this annoy me. Buy whatever gifts you want for your own DC. Leave your DH to buy whatever gifts he wants for his Dnieces and Dnephews. You can't control other people's actions, but you can choose to be the bigger person and rise above it.

Implement a 'no presents' agreement. Saves all of the 'giving to receive' crap.

I like @coconutpie 'so idea. Tell your DH you will buy the gifts; buy things the same size but a tenner and wrap them up yourself before he delivers them. Job done. Fair's fair.

If your DD has been in your DH’s life for 10 years she needs to acknowledged by his family. SIL sounds rude and tight-fisted. I’d just send a tenner for each of her children and leave it at that.

Get ahead of her and send links to expensive gifts for your DC;s before she can send you hers. You can only fight passive aggressive with passive aggressive. Well there are other ways, but this is most fun and less likely to lead to a punch up.

Knock it on the head. You’ve got nothing to lose as you’re baring talking anyway.

”Hi dickhead SIL, I hope you’re well! We are scaling back this year, kids have so much, so aren’t going to do cousin gifts this year. Feel free to spend the £30 you would have spent on A and B on your kids so they still get the much wanted gifts. Have a good one!”

That’s what we did.

On mumsnet people will tell you that it’s common or acceptable to treat ‘step’ children in families differently - in real life they are cruel bastards in my opinion!

You are not unreasonable at all for being pissed off with your SIL, she is a CF! You have a husband problem though is he isn’t supporting you on this, especially the treatment of your eldest child!

Personally I would be saying that things are tight and after this year you won't be doing gifts any more, esp as they get older it gets harder to buy too.

Send her back links to gifts of the equal value if it bothers you so much.

or call her out on it and say you’ve noticed the gifts don’t equal in value as previously agreed and you’re happy to come down and match her at the £10 if she is no longer able to do the previously agreed £30.

literally just talk to her.

Just give a gift. Who cares what it costs? That’s not the point of Christmas.

The problem here isn't Christmas presents.
It's that your husband never called his sister out on her shitty behaviour towards his stepchild at the time

What have you fallen out over?

You could argue that your idea of spending the same amount on the kids isn’t ‘fair’ as you have more kids. What is her financial position? People do stop buying for kids birthdays and your eldest is now at secondary so will be the first to go. Her children are younger and she was buying a gift for him at that stage? The whole thing sounds joyless and a financial transaction.

Just tell dh to fund his family's gifts.. If sil is a cow I am sure your 12 yo is aware of that!

I’d text and say

hi sil im going to do the same as you this year and do money in a card- would yours prefer the £10 cash or voucher?

also- just checking- are we stopping presents once they turn 12?

thanks