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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I leave this relationship?

63 replies

mutin · 17/12/2023 09:26

Both fifties, both divorced and work full time. My teens are with me full time. We see each other each weekend, normally sat evening till sun am.
He works and lives 90 mins away.
We are both free each weekend except for every second saturday which he spends with his daughter.
The issue is that while he lives 90 mins away, he goes to his parents every weekend in another part of the country.
He has no life where he lives and work. He rents there in a house share. He doesn't have any hobbies or pastimes in general but literally works and sleep in one part of the country .. (thinkEdinburgh and then at weekends goes to Glasgow. I'm in between both places.)
I don't go to his generally as it's a house share and don't go to his parents either for same reasons.
He comes to mine, we eat, sleep and have breakfast and then he is gone again. I'm not really feeling it anymore but he is lovely company mostly.
He doesn't own his own home and spends masses of time with his family. He also doesn't really socialise but I do.
It feels dead in the water. Having no home of his own , going back to his parents and family every weekend is kind of giving me the ick. He has no ambition or intention to change for the foreseeable future.
He will not !3 moving in with me as I don't want that for myself and my kids.
Sex is amazing though.

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 17/12/2023 09:28

I'd end it, because a man in his 50s living in a houseshare would not be doing it for me AT ALL.

GabriellaMontez · 17/12/2023 09:31

Is it holding you back from something better?

Or is it enough that you have great sex? Especially as you don't even want someone moving in?

Original poster

mutin · 17/12/2023 09:45

I'd be happy to have and look forward to a more committed relationship but not until kids have left for uni. The house share is a disaster and he has not had to pay rent up until recently for nearly two years so his outgoings have been minimal so I can't understand why he is in a house share?
Making no life for himself in that city and running home every weekend to his parents and extended family isn't exactly attractive to me either.
I'm getting bored I think

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 17/12/2023 09:50

@mutin why was he not paying rent?

Original poster

mutin · 17/12/2023 09:51

He was staying with a friend who didn't want rent.

OP posts:

Original poster

mutin · 17/12/2023 10:15

Any other opinions please?
He'll never own his own home and that puts me in a danger zone as he is well able to make himself at home and be hard to move once he gets his feet under the table as I found out when he stayed her uninvited for two weeks as he was too Ill to go back to his house share. He had a cold.

OP posts:

BornIn78 · 17/12/2023 10:20

How exactly is he lovely company, apart from the sex?

He sounds deathly dull.

That’s before I get started on a man in his 50’s who has apparently spent several years scrounging free lodgings by essentially spare room bed hopping between friends, family and you.

Ugh.

shininglight16 · 17/12/2023 10:25

Like the others have said, what does he give you other than great sex? He seems to lack maturity, responsibility, self-respect, ambition and the ability to be independent. Living for free at his friend's, at the age of 50, gives me the ick too. Going to his family every weekend and having no other life, gives me the ick too. DUMP him before it gets more serious.

Original poster

mutin · 17/12/2023 10:40

I feel guilty for feeling so shallow but the truth is , he has nothing to offer me.
I feel like a provide a service for him.. a place to stay, food, Netflix and sex. I shouldnt feel like this, should I ?

OP posts:

Olika · 17/12/2023 10:49

Oh god please end it. Sounds boring, there must be men out there who can offer you more exciting time together. And in case you don't end up ending it, please don't let him move in as you won't get rid of him as you already noticed.

schmuzz · 17/12/2023 10:51

I mean you barely see him so what's the point. It's just a Saturday night shag. End it and move on.

Original poster

mutin · 17/12/2023 10:58

I think I'm delaying it because I know he is going to be very difficult and will bombard my kids and family to try to change my mind. I think his laziness is due to having nothing to aim for.. he has his family home to go to, house share for peanuts and my home for weekend overnights. Everyone does everything for him. I enabled that. He is bone lazy also.
I know I can do su much better but not necessarily right now. Writing it out helps me to get my thoughts in order and posters opinions and thoughts help me to think of others opinion on it.

OP posts:

zingally · 17/12/2023 10:59

Hard "nah" from me.

He's using you as free lodgings and a weekly screw. A 50yo man, lurching his way between house-shares and his parents, is hardly an attractive prospect.

I'd say it's playing fast and lose with the term "relationship", when you see each other once a week, for about 12 hours, and most of that time is spent sleeping. He's a friend with benefits at best.

EmmaEmerald · 17/12/2023 11:04

So did he go straight from his wife to a house share?

If he owns nothing and has no money to speak of, that's a big red flag. How did you meet?

also, you think he'll bombard your kids when you leave?! That's scary.

Iskpugkk · 17/12/2023 11:13

Well it depends what you want; he doesn’t sound like he’s the one for a long term committed relationship and I’d be worried about the finances but if you just want sex and a bit of company then it’s perfect.

Terrribletwos · 17/12/2023 11:14

How and why would he "bombard" your kids? Surely your teens would be more sympathetic towards you?

Original poster

mutin · 17/12/2023 11:34

His wife got the family home so he's rented on been given free accommodation for years.
Surely he must be loaded but I'm certainly not seeing it if he is.

OP posts:

Original poster

mutin · 17/12/2023 11:35

He will message them with a lot of self pity and how he will miss them
And is devastated but will respect mums choice etc. lots of self putting nonsense which my youngest will really affect.

OP posts:

Original poster

mutin · 17/12/2023 11:58

Would any of you stay with him? He's not a bad man and I'm totally independent so don't need anyone but the company had been nice.

OP posts:

Bigcat25 · 17/12/2023 12:01

Why not ask him some of the questions you have, like where his money goes, why he sees his family so often? Sounds like the divorce was a setback financially, is he helping his family out with money? Lots of people do that.

Have you ever asked him to do something outside the house with you?

Bigcat25 · 17/12/2023 12:05

If you enjoy his company op and don't want anything too serious, it's not wrong to stay with him, but it sounds like you should discuss a couple things with him or see if you can get him out of the house once in a while to liven things up.

I guess my biggest concern would be messaging your kids if you don't want him too.

iljafjpr · 17/12/2023 13:00

He'll never own his own home and that puts me in a danger zone as he is well able to make himself at home and be hard to move once he gets his feet under the table as I found out when he stayed her uninvited for two weeks as he was too Ill to go back to his house share. He had a cold

Bin.
You aren't being shallow. You are protecting yourself and your children and your financial stability.
The last thing you want is a hobosexual/cocklodger type moving in by stealth. You say you won't let him move in but some of these types are sneaky. He tested it out already by being "too ill" to go back to the house share.
It won't be long before there's some kind of issue with the house share - he falls out with the people he's living with, they want to move away, they need his room back, etcetc. or he falls out with his parents so can't go there at the weekends. In any case, he comes to you with a sob story about how he's stuck and it's just until he gets somewhere sorted.
Nothing does get sorted though (and you can see from the way he lives that he doesn't sort anything - he's just crashing with friends and not paying rent and then going to parents, also rent free). Most likely after the "accommodation emergency" which means he has to crash at yours "until he gets sorted", along comes an "employment emergency" - he loses his job, quits due to stress or bullying or some other reason, his shifts get cutback, whatever. That means he has no money to get anything sorted and you're stuck with a 50 year old unemployed cocklodger living off your back and it's really hard to get rid of him.

Anyway, apart from all that, you say you are bored with him. I would be too. It's not a relationship really. You're a Saturday night booty call where he gets fed, Netflix and a shag. Then off he pops on Sunday morning to scrounge off the next person (his parents) where he'll probably get fed, laundry done, whatever.

Just kick him to the kerb OP, you can do better than this.
And if you wanted to have friends with benefits type thing that's fine too but not with someone like this.

Original poster

mutin · 17/12/2023 13:25

So many interesting points@iljafjpr .
Before he moved in with his mate, we had a row and out of the blue , when I stated that I thought it was pathetic that he was free loading essentially and didn't have a house for his kids to visit , he said that at least his friend offered ie I didn't...
He moves jobs frequently citing bullying etc.
He has had periods of unemployment and sick leave .. a few weeks at a time for colds basically.
He needs a minder maybe.
My kids here all the time probably irritates him as he doesn't have my total attention hence the reason possibly for coming in the evening and leaving in the morning.
Food for thought. Indeed .

OP posts:

PaminaMozart · 17/12/2023 13:32

mutin · 17/12/2023 10:40

Not only are you just a booty call, but he is also putting out feelers for a future cocklodgingship.

Be alert and maintain your chosen boundaries - or end it.

SequentialAnalyst · 17/12/2023 13:39

You are not being shallow. He is shallow - in the sense that there is no depth to him. End it now!

(BTW I married a cocklodging man-child, whose idea of a good time in his late 50s was building Airfix models. At least he had been more interesting in his youth, or I wouldn't have married him. Eventually I saw the light and divorced him.)

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