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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I leave this relationship?

63 replies

mutin · 17/12/2023 09:26

Both fifties, both divorced and work full time. My teens are with me full time. We see each other each weekend, normally sat evening till sun am.
He works and lives 90 mins away.
We are both free each weekend except for every second saturday which he spends with his daughter.
The issue is that while he lives 90 mins away, he goes to his parents every weekend in another part of the country.
He has no life where he lives and work. He rents there in a house share. He doesn't have any hobbies or pastimes in general but literally works and sleep in one part of the country .. (thinkEdinburgh and then at weekends goes to Glasgow. I'm in between both places.)
I don't go to his generally as it's a house share and don't go to his parents either for same reasons.
He comes to mine, we eat, sleep and have breakfast and then he is gone again. I'm not really feeling it anymore but he is lovely company mostly.
He doesn't own his own home and spends masses of time with his family. He also doesn't really socialise but I do.
It feels dead in the water. Having no home of his own , going back to his parents and family every weekend is kind of giving me the ick. He has no ambition or intention to change for the foreseeable future.
He will not !3 moving in with me as I don't want that for myself and my kids.
Sex is amazing though.

OP posts:
tennesseewhiskey1 · 17/12/2023 13:45

God dump him and find someone who makes you happy! Life is already so short. Why are you letting this guy cocklodge.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2023 13:47

I think I'm delaying it because I know he is going to be very difficult and will bombard my kids and family to try to change my mind.

That reason alone is enough to dump him immediately. If he really would do this, that is alarming, pathetic behaviour.

Fucking hell, op, read what you have written about this man. You need to figure out why your standards are so low as to be with him for as long as your have. He is absolutely dreadful.

End it right now and ask your kids and family to block him as well. Start the new year off by moving forward.

WrittenInBlue · 17/12/2023 13:47

Someone that needs looking after for a fortnight for a slight cold, is constantly freeloading and lazy and cycles through jobs would have to be really good company to put up with, and he sounds like he's outlived his purpose.

BornIn78 · 17/12/2023 13:48

If you’re going to stay with him and you enjoy his company for all of the 12 hours a week you’re with him, then at least have him cough up for a good meal out and a hotel overnight every few weeks.

Although I suspect having to actually shell out some money might dampen his enthusiasm for seeing you every Saturday.

HerMammy · 17/12/2023 14:01

Why have you never asked him why he doenst get his own home? I'm always mystified on MN that you're having sex but can't have a conversation.

Foodylicious · 17/12/2023 14:06

Your are not going to neet someone else while you are spending your time with him.
Does he know you are not that in to him?
Not fair on either of you to carry on if you aren't.

GrumpyOldCrone · 17/12/2023 14:09

BornIn78 · 17/12/2023 13:48

If you’re going to stay with him and you enjoy his company for all of the 12 hours a week you’re with him, then at least have him cough up for a good meal out and a hotel overnight every few weeks.

Although I suspect having to actually shell out some money might dampen his enthusiasm for seeing you every Saturday.

I agree with this.

It doesn’t really sound like a relationship to me. He doesn’t seem to have sufficient time, space, or resources to offer a partner. Not even the security that comes with stable employment. How can he be an equal partner to anyone? If you were both in your late teens then maybe this would look reasonable, but in your 50s it’s really not.

Whataretheodds · 17/12/2023 14:10

mutin · 17/12/2023 11:35

He will message them with a lot of self pity and how he will miss them
And is devastated but will respect mums choice etc. lots of self putting nonsense which my youngest will really affect.

He'd message your kids with that??

Guiltypleasures001 · 17/12/2023 14:12

How does he have the kids mobile numbers? Get their phones and block him also the family number's he has.
I assume he's coming for Xmas dinner at your expense, sod that get rid and start 2024 afresh.

GrumpyOldCrone · 17/12/2023 14:15

The family members that he spends so much time with: this is his parents and siblings, rather than his kids? If so, that seems odd to me. Have you met them? Do you get along with them?

WavingCatsandDogs · 17/12/2023 14:16

Just see it for what it is, sex, some company.

If somebody else better comes as long, you can finish it. Men do this all the time.

Ladyj84 · 17/12/2023 14:16

Lol so basically it's not a relationship it's a weekly screw for yous. Wouldn't get me doing it. And that age and got nothing not for me

WavingCatsandDogs · 17/12/2023 14:19

Actually reading more recent posts, I don't think you even like or respect him that much, with good reason.

GilesRupert · 17/12/2023 14:23

Why has he got your children's numbers?

Original poster
mutin · 17/12/2023 14:30

I've definitely lost respect for him and in return for staying at his parents every weekend, he is always doing jobs or organising their lives and helping out his siblings every weekend so he isn't even free, even if he wanted. It's all very enmeshed when I think about it .
His kids can't stay overnight with him as he is at his parents and he won't take them to his house share to spend his weekend with them.

OP posts:
shininglight16 · 17/12/2023 14:35

mutin · 17/12/2023 13:25

So many interesting points@iljafjpr .
Before he moved in with his mate, we had a row and out of the blue , when I stated that I thought it was pathetic that he was free loading essentially and didn't have a house for his kids to visit , he said that at least his friend offered ie I didn't...
He moves jobs frequently citing bullying etc.
He has had periods of unemployment and sick leave .. a few weeks at a time for colds basically.
He needs a minder maybe.
My kids here all the time probably irritates him as he doesn't have my total attention hence the reason possibly for coming in the evening and leaving in the morning.
Food for thought. Indeed .

OP, so many red flags there. He keeps changing jobs citing bullying, taking sick leave all the time, freeloading, blaming you for not allowing him to stay at yours rent free, etc. How can you not see that he's taking the piss? Why drop your standards so low? I say dump him now please and save your energy and time for someone better.

Original poster
mutin · 17/12/2023 14:43

He's been very inappropriate in the past contacting my family and children. He has their number in event of emergency for lifts if needed, as their father has no relationship with them.
They will block him.

OP posts:
Tina221 · 17/12/2023 14:44

I think most of the pp’s have said to dump him and I agree. He doesn’t sound great at all. If you think he’ll message your children I would explain what’s happening and block him on their phones.

GrumpyOldCrone · 17/12/2023 14:45

Of all the red flags, and there are many, the family enmeshment is probably the one I’d be most concerned about. Even if he got a flat of his own and a stable job, he’ll never break free from that kind of longstanding obligation.

Edited to add: Actually the inappropriate messaging is worse. Bloody hell, your children deserve better!

Bananalanacake · 17/12/2023 15:27

I would have no respect for a man in his 50s who doesn't own his own property and has no intention to. I would enjoy the sex and happily kick him out the door afterwards, no way would he ever move in, what a cheek implying you could have asked.

Original poster
mutin · 17/12/2023 16:28

The family enmeshment has been an issue from the beginning. He can speak badly and often does about everyone's families and kids but woe betide if anyone criticised the behaviours of his family. He is a Peter Pan character when I really reflect. He thrives when fussed over yet he will eat my food and sleep in my bed but won't clean up or generally contribute to the basic running of the house while he is there. In retrospect, I waited on him.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2023 16:35

mutin · 17/12/2023 14:43

He's been very inappropriate in the past contacting my family and children. He has their number in event of emergency for lifts if needed, as their father has no relationship with them.
They will block him.

He's been very inappropriate in the past contacting my family and children.

And yet you're still with him. Come the fuck on, op. What on earth are you doing? It's bad enough that you allow this shitbag in your life, but you've essentially condoned him being horrible to your own kids by staying with him. If you were my mother, I would be really, really disgusted by this.

SpringboksSocks · 17/12/2023 16:47

mutin · 17/12/2023 14:30

I've definitely lost respect for him and in return for staying at his parents every weekend, he is always doing jobs or organising their lives and helping out his siblings every weekend so he isn't even free, even if he wanted. It's all very enmeshed when I think about it .
His kids can't stay overnight with him as he is at his parents and he won't take them to his house share to spend his weekend with them.

This would be the biggest red flag for me. His own kids can’t stay overnight with him because he hasn’t sorted out for himself a proper place to live (and yet he stays with you and your kids every week). I dread to think what message that’s giving his DC 😢

HerMammy · 17/12/2023 17:34

@mutin
There are no plus points here about this man, unless he has a golden cock!!
Every second Saturday? that's not a relationship, in the sea with him.

EmmaEmerald · 17/12/2023 18:55

mutin · 17/12/2023 14:43

He's been very inappropriate in the past contacting my family and children. He has their number in event of emergency for lifts if needed, as their father has no relationship with them.
They will block him.

Bit puzzled by the phrasing but it's probably just a mistake

you mean they have his number in case they need to call him for a lift?

i know what you mean about the family criticism thing.

tbh I wonder where his money goes.