To see a lot of couples in this situation

[Whatyoutryingtodo]

I see quite a few couples I know irl who've been together several years, engaged, own a house and have children, but no wedding plans made.
They've often been engaged for several years too but don't have any plans to get married, and say stuff like they'll 'get round to it at some point'.

Just curious as to why this happens quite a lot, not judging as I myself am unmarried and childless due to no interested suitors!

I think people will say that the man has everything he needs so why bother marrying her... Sometimes I wonder why people consider marriage more of a commitment than children? At least with marriage you can divorce, even if it's expensive and stressful, children you're tied for life.

I really have no friends who are engaged. Living together yes do people even get engaged anymore

@MrsJellybee · Today 09:43

I have a friend in this situation. It’s him. Won’t set a date. She’s removed her engagement ring now as embarrassed at the continual questions. I think it’s about control. He earns five times what she does and keeps her and their child in financial penury.

I hear this story over and again, year in year out. And it is almost ALWAYS the man who is the higher earner. He is happy to keep her dangling on a string, and keep impregnating her, and keeping her barefoot and pregnant, but won't put a ring on it, as GOD FORBID she ends up getting ANYTHING of his!

You get lots of women coming onto threads like this, claiming they earn waaay more than their partner, and own their own house, and have 10s of 1000s of £££, and they won't marry HIM as they want to keep their own money/assets when they split!... But in reality, there are waaaaaay more women earning much less than the man, and ending up with fuck-all when the man fucks off and leaves her. Because they weren't married, she is entitled to nothing.

@LakeTiticaca · Today 09:43

Many people say marriage is "just a piece of paper"

It isn't .. it's a legal document that gives protection to both parties, as many unmarried couples have found to their cost, when things go tits up

As I said earlier in the thread, I am shocked that some people still say this/think it. I am stunned that in 2023, some people usually women! are so naïve and clueless, that they think getting married is 'only a piece of paper.' So fucking weird. Yet also quite terrifying! SO many women are leaving themselves - and their children - incredibly vulnerable.

I think people see "marriage" as an expense but what they really mean is the wedding. In our consumerist culture, a wedding isn't a wedding unless you spend thousands apparently. My wedding cost under 5K (and that included our honeymoon in the US!). DH and I wanted to commit to each other but neither of us are showy, been married 16 years so our likeminded frugality has obviously paid off!

I don't judge anyone for not wanting to marry. For me, commitment does mean marriage but if the reason not to marry is "I can't afford it" then to me that's a poor excuse.

Yeah this! ^ People who want all the special privileges that marriage allows, but CBA/refuse to get married, make me like 🙄

Just get married if you want all the bells and whistles and protection and privileges that being married affords! You're no more special or important than anyone else. NO-ONE is going to make special roooolz for you.

I think this is exactly right. Especially if a couple meets later (as many do these days) and wants to have kids, that has to be prioritised

In this situation. Really good relationship. Kids. Property. Both in decent jobs, financially independent of each other.

For us it’s super simple and not deep… weddings have become incredibly expensive and we don’t want to sacrifice financial security for one big day. We are doing okay but nursery fees, mortgage cost of living etc. add up. We want to do it but a huge out lay for one big day feels a bit silly for ultimately the same thing we have now.

This is it. It’s an expense.

There’s definitely been an explosion in wedding industry and an expectation that even couples on modest wages will have a big do. In my experience those earning less often want the bigger parties and put it off until can afford it then ship has sailed and there are always better things to spend money on.
I had a pretty modest wedding 20 plus years ago, our good friends had a registry office do at same time. Nothing was said at all there definitely wasn’t all the pressure to have say yes to the dress/hen do abroad/fancy decorations/professional hair and makeup etc.

A wedding is as expensive as you chose to make it. If you adhere to consumerism & social pressure yes it’ll cost. Show some individuality, show some initiative, ditch the table plans,don’t faff around with expensive fripperies. An inexpensive wedding is achievable.

So your situation bears no relationship at all to what the OP was discussing.

You’re not engaged (for years and years with no wedding date in sight, which is what the OP was about). And you are in a civil partnership, which means you have the exact same legal protections as if you were married.

Please do make sure you address the same comments to other unmarried women on the thread
threads develop like conversation, posters personalise and digress drawing upon their own experience
So do crack on,addressing the other unmarried posters

Agree.

My wedding was in a church (DH Catholic) so only gave a donation to the priest. No flowers, hired wedding outfits. 1 bridesmaid, 1 best man. Meal out for hen do/stag do. Wedding party was 60 in total and we hired a room at a pub. DH's brother's present to us was the limo ride from church to venue. Biggest cost was the honeymoon as pre-children we were big travellers and wanted one last adventure before having children. To us, the wedding wasn't important - the marriage is.

I suspect some want kids more than a wedding? I knew I wanted both, but also knew we'd never afford a wedding once kids were in the picture so we got married first

DH and I had three children and a mortgage before we got married.
We never got engaged and eloped after 12 years together. There were more important things to spend our money on and we didn’t want a big family wedding as we were both shy . We waited until we could afford to elope abroad and felt confident enough to do it as we knew it would upset people that way.

I've always suspected that unmarried couples living together might, subconsciously, just be waiting for someone better to come along....No public legal commitment might mean no indepth commitment to the relationship at all. Scary...

I'm one of these people. Engaged for a few months now but no plans on the horizon, haven't even looked at anything.

It's just money. We have no way of paying for the wedding we'd want (no extravagant but will be a few grand) at the moment.

I met an old colleague for a pre Xmas catch-up and found out recently an old colleague who had lived with her partner for 15 years and they have 2 DC together who always said she'd never marry again after a very abusive first marriage, got married 3 years ago and they didn't tell anyone, not even their families, and they don't wear wedding rings. She said they booked in at a registry office, got 2 witnesses from the wedding party who got married before them and did it so as to get pension rights. They just went for a pub lunch afterwards. I'm glad for her because now not only will she benefit from his pension if he dies first but also if they ever broke up she'd be entitled to pension share as she stayed home for a year with each DC and then as the youngest DC has some learning disabilities she went back to part time so it would have impacted her pension a lot. It's like a security blanket for her just and the DC just in case they ever separate. Also his crazy Mum would not get to dictate a full Catholic funeral for him, which he doesn't want, as she's no longer next of kin. He says his Mum would not recognise a registry office wedding anyway so there was no point in inviting her.

We had a registry wedding and even that cost us about 900 pounds.

I bought a cheap wedding dress online, had my makeup done, but we also had to pay the fees and felt like we had to invite our witnesses to a restaurant afterwards.

I had civil ceremony, reception was a buffet at home. Dress from monsoon sale. Did my own hair and makeup. No hen do. Husband went to pub in nearby city for a stag do. Mil made cake and my flowers. No wedding cars. No photographer. It was nice, zero regrets 20 plus years later.
No one said anything negative. Weddings weren’t the big thing they are now. It was just a day, friends and family wished you well. We weren’t out of step, most had modest by modern standard weddings - registry office/meal in pub, church/buffet in village hall etc.
But I can see if it was now all sorts of pressures would creep in whereas in pre social media days more modest dos were the norm.
A wedding is £175 at local registry office. When people say they can’t afford a wedding they mean the celebration party not the wedding.

I'm long term engaged, over a decade now, no rush to get married.

We started sort of planning it when I fell pregnant with our first and it's just not been a priority since, especially as just after he was born OH suffered a back injury and his earnings dropped a lot. There's no assets to protect, we earn the same and are partners in a business. Honestly money is the biggest hold back for us, I'd love to get married in time for my dad to walk me down the aisle but it would need to be pretty damn soon and we just dont have the funds (even a few hundred for a registry office)

I think that too, quite often. Don't want to het married in case someone better comes along.

It’s usually the cost of getting married. You can do it relatively cheaply if you’re happy to walk into a local registry office with Argos rings wearing jeans and T-shirts but most people don’t want this. Even a simple wedding can cost a couple of grand and lots of couples don’t have that money going spare. It can also be tricky to have a small wedding if you families who are liable to get offended so that would add to the cost.

Also just life getting in the way, lots of things go on and it isn’t really a priority. If you’re both on the mortgage, it isn’t really all that important anymore. I’m married but I’m not sure why we bothered because I use my maiden name, DC have both surnames, I don’t even wear a ring…

My partner and I were engaged 15 years ago. We decided in the end that marriage wasn’t for us - we are not romantic and feel the need, we are definitely not religious at all, we are not sociable in the slightest, and now after 4 children (almost 5) it feels like ‘what is the point?’.

I even sat down the other day and googled the ‘benefits of getting married’… what are they?

It mentioned that it helps with inheritance tax and pensions if he dies. Morbid thought really, but he has that covered with his work pension forms he filled. A will can also cover this problem.

If you take all of the above reasons away, is there something I am missing?

Money - either not enough to have spare for a wedding, or one party is reluctant to give up their own assets.

Wanting fairness isn’t ’expecting preferential treatment.’ People shouldn’t be forced into marriage/partnership just because the law
hasn’t caught up with the times.