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AIBU?

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Original poster

To see a lot of couples in this situation

693 replies

Whatyoutryingtodo · 17/12/2023 09:00

I see quite a few couples I know irl who've been together several years, engaged, own a house and have children, but no wedding plans made.
They've often been engaged for several years too but don't have any plans to get married, and say stuff like they'll 'get round to it at some point'.

Just curious as to why this happens quite a lot, not judging as I myself am unmarried and childless due to no interested suitors!

I think people will say that the man has everything he needs so why bother marrying her... Sometimes I wonder why people consider marriage more of a commitment than children? At least with marriage you can divorce, even if it's expensive and stressful, children you're tied for life.

OP posts:
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5
Dixiechickonhols · 18/12/2023 17:56

Reigateforever · 18/12/2023 17:47

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs. Your DP can still claim on your house.

If he’s not on deeds or mortgage then it’s very difficult to establish a beneficial interest in someone else’s property.
Unless he has lots of evidence and has for example funded large scale home improvements it’s not likely to succeed and is an expensive route to go down in terms of legal costs.
Hence why lots of unmarried men go for the house in their name - I’ll pay the mortgage, you pay the food/childcare route knowing full well she has zero chance of establishing an interest in his property if they split.

gerteddy · 18/12/2023 17:59

I think for most it's because they can't afford the wedding they wld like but don't feel strongly enough about being married to just go do it on the cheap. Either that or finding the time/life just getting in the way.

I know a few couples in this situation. One did get engaged a few years after they had 2 kids. They had started looking at venues etc then found out they were having number 3 and it just wasn't mentioned again. They just never had the money to have a proper wedding and just thought of it as a bit of paper.

Another couple I know are actually getting married next yr. They also got engaged but then ended up having a baby. Followed by another 2 and the youngest will be 5 when they get married. So they've been engaged 10+ years. They can afford a big wedding so I think 3 kids, covid etc just hadn't got round to it.

howshouldibehave · 18/12/2023 18:02

I can understand why people don’t want to married (though I think having children and going part time without being married makes you very vulnerable) but then I don’t see the point in getting engaged. You get ‘engaged to be married’, just getting engaged seems pointless.

Reigateforever · 18/12/2023 18:07

I am sorry but I beg to differ. I know of a lady who was a house owner. Her BF moved in after 10 years he moved out, she had to take out a mortgage (and alter her house to have a lodger) at 70 to pay for his ‘share’.

NoodleDoodle24 · 18/12/2023 18:07

Not entirely related as I am married and did not have a long engagement. But I would never get married again for the reasons people are saying. I would want my kids to be financially secure in any circumstance. Id get engaged again, even have a non legally binding service but I got married once only intending it to be once.

millymog11 · 18/12/2023 18:07

Dixiechickonhols · 18/12/2023 17:56

If he’s not on deeds or mortgage then it’s very difficult to establish a beneficial interest in someone else’s property.
Unless he has lots of evidence and has for example funded large scale home improvements it’s not likely to succeed and is an expensive route to go down in terms of legal costs.
Hence why lots of unmarried men go for the house in their name - I’ll pay the mortgage, you pay the food/childcare route knowing full well she has zero chance of establishing an interest in his property if they split.

Show quote history

Don't you think it is shocking that the UK family court allow women to effectively pay through their salary for children which payment is not recognised in any way on separation / divorce? If it is bricks and mortar addition to the house fair enough but putting food in the children's mouths or payment for their childcare is ignored by UK family court in a kind of "more-fool-you-for-having-kids-out-of-wedlock" message.
As previously stated I do think it is shocking that girls are not given the warts and all explanation of the financial implications of a failed relationship involving parenting children whilst they are at school.

Boys can basically mess up their life and be itinerant forever in their relationship style and life generally but women in the vast majority of cases carry the can for the entire life of their children from the second they are pregnant and that is never mentioned to girls as they go into puberty. The only message which is given to them is that as teenagers and women in their 20s they are the most in demand in romantic relationships (without having explained to them what that demand entails).

I can only guess that the government has some kind of cynical agenda around population and filling low skilled low paid jobs that it suits the government to keep in that way? Everything else is taught in PSE including gender studies (extensively) but the consequences of being a single parent is mentioned not once! Its not like the government even encourages marriage ref tax breaks like it used to.

Sleepytiredyawn · 18/12/2023 18:08

For me, I don’t want to spend money on a day I don’t want, I’d consider something just us but we never get around to it now we have 2 young children, but have been together over 20 years. Everything we have is ours, it’s all shared but I can understand people who have things of their own that they’ve worked hard to build who just don’t want to risk losing half of it. I guess it depends on the individual circumstances etc.

But I do agree, children are more of a commitment than marriage in my eyes, you’re tied for life.

LouDeLou · 18/12/2023 18:09

Weddings are expensive, so even if you want to get married, you also want a big wedding so never get 'round to it!

I know people that want to be married but "can't afford it", so they just talk about one day...

Marriage is a religious institution - I can never understand those that don't set foot in church feeling the need to be married in a church. So many of my friends literally attended just for the wedding and then never went back once married.

If you're not religious getting civilly partnered on the cheap is a good idea though!

Note - I am married, we got married 12 years ago after being together for 22. We couldn't get civilly partnered without it becoming a big "wedding" here in the UK, too much family we didn't want to exclude, so there was no point doing that. So off we went, just us on a beach in Mauritius, left the kids at home - a marriage, not a wedding!

ps - whilst it was a marriage not a civil ceremony, there was no mention of God in the ceremony, you can have that in Mauritius.

BusyMummyWrites · 18/12/2023 18:11

Am guessing for most it is the cost (and stress) of organising the wedding, especially if family have expectations that the couple just don’t want to stump up for. The average wedding is about £20k which is especially galling if you really would be happy with a quiet registry office ceremony and a meal out. It can be hard to make parents - who have developed other ideas - understand that you have better things to spend that money on.

Elvisfairy · 18/12/2023 18:12

I think it depends how pushy the woman is about being married. It's rarely the man who is desperate to get down the aisle, women drive the process. I think some women, like me, are happy to be in a partnership and aren't so focused on marriage these days.

DoughBallss · 18/12/2023 18:12

I’m engaged, wedding will be 4 years after engagement (mainly because the cost is extortionate and we need time to save the ridiculous 30k 🤮). Tbf I was never really bothered in getting married until we had kids, now I want to because of having a different surname.

Marriage really doesnt mean a lot now, I know so many people that get engaged then just break up. I personally think people think engagement is the next step they must take in their relationship

BusyMummyWrites · 18/12/2023 18:15

Elvisfairy · 18/12/2023 18:12

I think it depends how pushy the woman is about being married. It's rarely the man who is desperate to get down the aisle, women drive the process. I think some women, like me, are happy to be in a partnership and aren't so focused on marriage these days.

Sexist, much? I know loads of men who are desperate to be married and women who are unbothered. Just seen two of those men, early thirties, tie the knot both having been jilted by previous fiancees a month or two before the wedding date.

babyproblems · 18/12/2023 18:19

millymog11 · 18/12/2023 18:07

Don't you think it is shocking that the UK family court allow women to effectively pay through their salary for children which payment is not recognised in any way on separation / divorce? If it is bricks and mortar addition to the house fair enough but putting food in the children's mouths or payment for their childcare is ignored by UK family court in a kind of "more-fool-you-for-having-kids-out-of-wedlock" message.
As previously stated I do think it is shocking that girls are not given the warts and all explanation of the financial implications of a failed relationship involving parenting children whilst they are at school.

Boys can basically mess up their life and be itinerant forever in their relationship style and life generally but women in the vast majority of cases carry the can for the entire life of their children from the second they are pregnant and that is never mentioned to girls as they go into puberty. The only message which is given to them is that as teenagers and women in their 20s they are the most in demand in romantic relationships (without having explained to them what that demand entails).

I can only guess that the government has some kind of cynical agenda around population and filling low skilled low paid jobs that it suits the government to keep in that way? Everything else is taught in PSE including gender studies (extensively) but the consequences of being a single parent is mentioned not once! Its not like the government even encourages marriage ref tax breaks like it used to.

Show quote history

@millymog11 yes you are spot on. Systemic misogyny. X

SisterHyster · 18/12/2023 18:20

howshouldibehave · 18/12/2023 18:02

I can understand why people don’t want to married (though I think having children and going part time without being married makes you very vulnerable) but then I don’t see the point in getting engaged. You get ‘engaged to be married’, just getting engaged seems pointless.

It doesn’t necessarily. I went part time and still earned more than my partner earned full-time.

We got engaged a while ago and started venue hunting, but we never booked a wedding and then more and more time passed … and here we are, nearly a decade later.

There is no additional protections offered to us as a married couple than what we already have. It’s literally just a piece of paper and a party.

EVliving · 18/12/2023 18:23

I was in a relationship for 15 years, not married. Two children, we separated (not my choice), ex wanted money from house etc believing they were a common law partner. House was mine prior to the relationship staring and everything was in my sole name.

Nope on your way, they even sent a begging letter via a solicitor. Still nope on your way. Cock lodger I believe is the term.

So I fully understand why someone with assets would not get married.

problembottom · 18/12/2023 18:28

This is me and DP. We got engaged a few years ago when we bought a house and had a baby but then I suffered a series of horrendous bereavements, Covid happened and our earnings went down as the cost of everything went up. We can finally afford the big wedding we want and I feel emotionally ready now so we are looking at venues in the New Year with a view to getting married in summer 2025. I’d like another baby first but DP not so keen on that!

neverbeenskiing · 18/12/2023 18:29

Some men propose because they genuinely want to get married. Some men propose because they are under pressure (either from their partner or family) and they don't want to split up. Once they get engaged the pressure is off, or at least they buy themselves some time.

coffeetoffeechocolate · 18/12/2023 18:30

This is me and my partner. We've been together 10 years, engaged for 4. When I got engaged I thought my fiancé would be more interested in planning the wedding but turns out he couldn't care less about a huge wedding reception and neither do I but I do want something a bit more special than a registry office!

We could have paid for a wedding but wanted to use all the money we'd saved on a house deposit and glad we did. We bought our first house in 2020, had our baby boy almost exactly one year later and I'm pregnant with our second.

We know we'll get round to it some day as we're committed in other ways!

Elvisfairy · 18/12/2023 18:30

@BusyMummyWrites it must be a age thing because I don't know any man in their late forties who was desperate for the wedding. All my married female friends insisted on it. Nothing to do with sexism, just facts.

Anisette · 18/12/2023 18:32

I know someone who has been "engaged" for 18 years. I really don't see the point. They are clearly never going to get married.

Maisypaws · 18/12/2023 18:33

My assumption would be that its an unspoken understanding that the relationship isn’t entirely a done deal and either or both of them don’t want to share their assets in the event of a separation.

You would think that children are more of a commitment wouldn't you, but money = freedom.

Wednesday6 · 18/12/2023 18:33

I know lots of couples like that. I think once you get a mortgage and especially kids you just don't want to spend ££££ on the wedding. Plus easier to separate too as so many marriages break up. Plus in their current situation there isn't a benefit in getting married.. plus they've been together for so long and had kids it's not that exciting to plan a wedding at this point. I know people who eventually got married in their 50s for the sake of future will and arrangements for when one of the is left

lollydu · 18/12/2023 18:34

Financial for us. We bought our house in late 20s had daughter early 30s because I didn't want to wait and then a few years of maternity leave and kids expenses we can't really afford the wedding we want. I have said to OH though I'm now ready and expecting a proposal sometime in next couple of years though lol and I think hes on same page x

SisterHyster · 18/12/2023 18:34

Anisette · 18/12/2023 18:32

I know someone who has been "engaged" for 18 years. I really don't see the point. They are clearly never going to get married.

Maybe life got in the way? What do you suggest they do? Become unengaged?

SisterHyster · 18/12/2023 18:36

Maisypaws · 18/12/2023 18:33

My assumption would be that its an unspoken understanding that the relationship isn’t entirely a done deal and either or both of them don’t want to share their assets in the event of a separation.

You would think that children are more of a commitment wouldn't you, but money = freedom.

Or they just can’t be bothered with the faff?