AIBU for wanting to divorce husband after 6 months.

[Happysadmom]

I found out in June that my husband cheated on me; sex with 5 different women multiple times and women over social media. He spent thousands of dollars on sex sites and sending women money for “content,” or “have a nice lunch.” All the while complaining whenever I asked to be taken on a date. He had sex with one woman while we were married and the other times were while I was pregnant with our son and dating. Mind you he did this unprotected so he put me and baby at risk. I found out by finally getting into his computer and saw he had been taking pictures and videos of what he was doing. It was quite traumatizing and I get invasive images in my head still. Now going to therapy which is helping. I’ve asked him to go to therapy and he keeps saying he will but it’s been a month since he promised. He promised to stop smoking cigarettes and he’s still doing that. A couple weeks ago I found out he reached out to a woman that he had a sexual past with. We go to counseling through our church and I feel like they are just validating him saying he’s “trying” and that I need to be more forgiving. This man verbally abused me throughout the years of him cheating behind my back and I’m having a hard time getting past all that.
I love him and he can be kind and caring but there is also this side of him that really sucks and is abusive. I keep putting my foot down on boundaries and gave him a list of all the things I want if we are to move forward and he has not upheld the list and keeps disrespecting my boundaries.
So I’m asking AIBU for giving him 6 months to get his crap together and now that the 6 months is up I want to divorce him? Should I give him more time?
I found out I was pregnant days after I found out he had been cheating so it’s just another complexity.

exactly this. run. and get yourself checked for stds. under no circumstances should be intimate with this man ever again.

what exactly is he going to take you to court for? for marrying him? because as far as I can see that is the only thing you have done wrong. and even that isn't really you'd fault.

he's just trying to scare you. he can't do anything. and also I suggest you subtly let the other people in the church know what he has been upto. otherwise he will marry someone else from the same community and put them through hell.

also he is a hypocritical bastard for screwing around with multiple women and still acting all religious. he needs a smack.

Leave him now. Don’t waste 6 months.

“We go to counseling through our church” speaking as a church goer, bin this off immediately. They are not on your side, they only want to put a plaster on to keep up appearances. They’ve done nothing to make him repent and turn from his blatant habitual sins.

Find a proper qualified therapist and run a million miles from this man.

@FarmGirl78 I really really appreciate your response. It gave me chills multiple times.
I kept getting the message out of the Bible not to fear and I thought it was to stay with him but that is becoming clearer and clearer that that is not the case. To not have fear in leaving because God has me. To find forgiveness but to divorce him.
This has been an ongoing battle and I’m ready to move forward and give my children and I the life we deserve. He’s just not it. I justified it because he pays the bills and allows me to be a stay at home mom which is a blessing but I have the blessing that God placed us in my moms home that she owns so I don’t have to leave. He does.
I can’t lie, my heart is weighing heavy. I feel sad, but I can’t change my husband and I want off his awful roller coaster.
Your response meant a lot. Thank you again and I look forward to listening to the video once the white noise is off from my son sleeping 😅.
I don’t have a solid church family yet but I started to go to a different church which I believe is a step in the right direction. I have a hard time talking with others because my self esteem is so darn low right now but I’ll get over myself.
You speak with the love of Christ. Thank you sister 🙌💕
This whole thread has been overwhelmingly speaking straight to my heart.

@therealcookiemonster he threatens to take me to court to take our sons from me.
He also threatens to quit his job so he won’t have to pay child support.
I’m a little uneasy because I definitely didn’t behave very well when I found out.
I will subtly let others know but it’s feeling like he’s already got them thinking he’s this prized Christian man that made a mistake and his wife is beating him into the ground unforgiving him and not moving forward. I definitely don’t feel seen in the right light. He’s done this our whole relationship though. Telling people I was just with him to eventually collect child support among other nasty things. I was quite shocked when I found out how twisted he was talking about me. I literally don’t get how anyone could do that to someone they claim to love. It’s absolutely bonkers. He even tried to get my own family to turn on me and it worked for a split second because I’ve always protected and praised him 🤮. Thankfully my family isn’t dumb. Especially my mom. She’s seen his BS since the beginning, told me to run. I wish I had listened to her.

Your husband has committed adultery, divorce is permitted by the direct words of Jesus.

He is utterly unrepentant in his sin of adultery. He is gaslighting you and is abusive and failing you as his wife.

• God presents a clear example of a wife escaping her abusive husband in 1 Samuel 25.
• “Leave the presence of a fool” (Prov. 14:7). Your husband is a fool. He’s the one who has thrown the marriage away.
• Don’t give honor to a fool (Prov. 26:8). In a way, you honor your abuser by staying with him, allowing him and others to believe he’s a good husband.
• “Do not throw your pearls before pigs” (Matt. 7:6). Yes, your abuser is the pig in this analogy. In other words, get distance from a sinner and do not allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of him.
• Have no social contact with an unrepentant sinner (Matt. 18:17). This fits your abuser. Shun all who cause divisions (Rom. 16:17). Your abuser obviously is causing division in a sacred, God-ordained relationship.
• Have no contact with a person who continues in sexual sin (1 Cor. 5). Even if your abuser isn’t into sexual sin, he’s into serious sin, and I think this passage applies to him.
• If someone is living a sinful lifestyle, stay away from him (2 Thess. 3:6). Your abuser is living a sinful lifestyle.
• Avoid men who are guilty of this list of sins (2 Tim. 3:1-7). Your abuser is guilty of a number of these sins.

Im currently separating from my partner who I found out had an affair for 18 months. I only found out a week ago, I'm absolutely traumatised, there's no way I could stay with him, even for the kids.
You should definitely leave, he sounds like a nasty nasty man

@RandomButtons I think it is so important to refute misguided religious advice with correct guidance and the right religious context. forgiveness is not a blank check for abusers, it is a blessing for the ones who truly repent.

OP I promise you he cannot take the children from you. he is just using threats to make you stay. when you walk, he will lose his veneer of respectability.

make sure to gather evidence, screenshot everything. financial documents, any evidence you have of him cheating etc etc.

ultimately if it goes to court (which I doubt), the judge will decide. and if he stops working, how will he feed himself? another idle threat. plus you will be eligible for universal credit and child benefit.... I think there is a government website that you can check to see what you will be entitled to.

99.9% of these situations - the men threaten to take the children and they never do. (a) because they don't want the bother of looking after them - I mean how much does he do now? (b) the court won't allow that

right now, he will say anything to get you to stay. don't listen to him. see a solicitor ASAP.

Can you go and stay with your mum OP with the kids? To have some space, some support and make a plan?

Sorry that's happened to you! I personally would leave.

Exactly. The bible makes it very clear that repentance is totally turning away from the sin and no longer doing it. Forgiveness is not permission to keep on sinning.

@RandomButtons
this!!!!!! Thank you for taking the time to write this out for me. Yes!
I’m keeping this close to me.

@therealcookiemonster
thank you for the reassurance. He definitely has me isolated so it’s easy to think he holds all the power. My mom reminded me today too that all he has is threats and words to keep me feeling crazy and small.

@Lauralizzie its extremely traumatizing. What keeps me up is all the little details. Blegh makes me sick. I’m really sorry you are having to go through it but I look up to you for leaving.

Seriously.

Yeah it's only been a short time since I found out, but I'm spending every waking hour thinking about everything he did with her. I just feel so sick

Please leave!
I am an evangelical Anglican vicar and there is no way your church should be telling you to stay with this man.
I was in a similar situation about 15 years ago when I found out my husband had been having an affair from before we were married for about 10 years. I was pg. I let him talk me into giving him 6 months to change. The church backed that up (wasn't an Anglican at the time). He used that 6 months to gaslight and emotionally abuse me into staying.
I finally realised how abusive he was a couple of years ago. As soon as the new divorce laws came in I applied for a divorce. Best decision I ever made. I needed Women's aid to help me escape but they are really worth a chat. Husband threw so much spiritual abuse at me chuntering out bible verse after Bible verse as to why we couldn't get divorced.
Keep strong lovely.

Yes divorce