Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for wanting to divorce husband after 6 months.

119 replies

Happysadmom · 17/12/2023 06:58

I found out in June that my husband cheated on me; sex with 5 different women multiple times and women over social media. He spent thousands of dollars on sex sites and sending women money for “content,” or “have a nice lunch.” All the while complaining whenever I asked to be taken on a date. He had sex with one woman while we were married and the other times were while I was pregnant with our son and dating. Mind you he did this unprotected so he put me and baby at risk. I found out by finally getting into his computer and saw he had been taking pictures and videos of what he was doing. It was quite traumatizing and I get invasive images in my head still. Now going to therapy which is helping. I’ve asked him to go to therapy and he keeps saying he will but it’s been a month since he promised. He promised to stop smoking cigarettes and he’s still doing that. A couple weeks ago I found out he reached out to a woman that he had a sexual past with. We go to counseling through our church and I feel like they are just validating him saying he’s “trying” and that I need to be more forgiving. This man verbally abused me throughout the years of him cheating behind my back and I’m having a hard time getting past all that.
I love him and he can be kind and caring but there is also this side of him that really sucks and is abusive. I keep putting my foot down on boundaries and gave him a list of all the things I want if we are to move forward and he has not upheld the list and keeps disrespecting my boundaries.
So I’m asking AIBU for giving him 6 months to get his crap together and now that the 6 months is up I want to divorce him? Should I give him more time?
I found out I was pregnant days after I found out he had been cheating so it’s just another complexity.

OP posts:
MsRosley · 17/12/2023 09:17

This is an easy one, OP. You husband is a lying, cheating, unrepentant arsehole and your church is gaslighting you. Leave both.

Sugarsun · 17/12/2023 09:18

My friend broke up with her DH less than 24 hours after they got married.

They’d been together 10-15 years and on their wedding night she saw a message on his phone and it turned out he’d been having an affair with this women for years.

Her family wanted her to marry someone on her own faith/culture and she gave up a lot to be with him but she didn’t think twice about it.

She is a teacher and the wedding was during the summer holidays.
She had had the wedding and got divorced before the new academic year.
She is an incredible woman.

You can separate for any reason you want to but this is definitely a good reason to separate and I think you’d be mad not to.

Sugarsun · 17/12/2023 09:20

I would also seriously consider a termination.

I don’t say that lightly but if he’s abusive then having a baby is going to tie you to him and you really don’t want that.

You need a complete fresh start and find someone who loves and respects you.

Sapphire387 · 17/12/2023 09:20

If you have faith, you also need to consider that he has broken the vows he made to you before god. And he is unrepentant about it. I don't believe your church is correct to make excuses for him.

Whattodowithit88 · 17/12/2023 09:24

Unfortunately for men like this, the minute you didn’t leave and “tried to make it work” he saw you was nothing but a door mat. Sorry to be so blunt but this is how those type of men see it. They don’t think she gave me another chance to be better, they just see “I can continue and get away with it because she will always forgive me eventually”. Men can be cruel sometimes, believe it.

ChiIIieP · 17/12/2023 09:25

YABU for thinking there's anything salvageable here.

Persipan · 17/12/2023 09:25

Leave your husband and find another church. Yours is gaslighting you.

Hubblebubble · 17/12/2023 09:28

Leave him and find a better church.

Previousreligion · 17/12/2023 09:28

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 17/12/2023 07:13

Our church which is pretty conservative would advise you to leave forgiveness goes with repentance he is not even remotely repentant. Open an account to keep your money separate and leave with your child or if possible kick him out. You do not need to be more forgiving. Even in the most strict churches adultery is an acceptable reason for divorce. Opinions may differ on remarriage afterwards it makes me doubt whether he is a true believer. He is certainly not loving his wife as Christ loved the church. It seems like the leadership is gaslighting you too as well as your husband. Tell him to leave until he sorts himself out. If he was a true Christian that had messed up he would leave until he was in the right place and accept he had burnt his bridges with you, Really sorry this has happened to you

I agree with this. I personally couldn't trust him again.

Potentialmadcatlady · 17/12/2023 09:36

When I left my husband ( son of a pastor) I said to my Dad ‘I have broken my vows and feel so bad’
My Dad told me ‘he broke the vows you made not you’
I spent the next couple of years being told I was wrong, evil, would be judged etc for pushing ahead with divorce from a man who then took every opportunity to ‘punish’ me for daring to leave him.
Any counselling from the church was firmly directed at me taking him back. This included them turning up at my door.

Years later you know my one regret? Not getting out of an abusive marriage faster and not pushing back harder against the ‘counselling’ I was being given. My children also say the same. They still see their father but they both regret spending so much time with him and his abusive family when they were younger and putting up with listening to him telling everyone I was mad. They wish they had been much firmer in telling him to stop his abusive nonsense.

My God is a forgiving God who I do not believe expected me to stay in an abusive marriage.
Your husband will not change. You have done nothing wrong. He has broken your vows repeatedly not you.
Wishinh you all the best

theduchessofspork · 17/12/2023 09:38

OP there is nothing you can do to save this one. So much cheating in such a short relationship - he doesn’t want to be married - and why on earth would you want to be with him.

You and your son need a clean break and a new start

theduchessofspork · 17/12/2023 09:39

And find a new Church - this counselling service is abusive

Chipsahoyagain · 17/12/2023 09:41

What are you doing op. You are giving him all the permission to treat you this way, think of you as worthless because you are desperately chasing him. No woman with self worth would do this and he knows this . Are you really asking this? Continue the therapy on your own and find your way to leave him.

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/12/2023 09:45

I wonder what else he would have to do to make you realise that this isn't the man for you.

Book an appointment with the lawyer on Monday morning. Get all your ducks in a row financially. Don't say a word about divorce until you have copies of all bank statements, savings, accounts, etc. It is a short marriage. In the UK, I think you can't get divorced in the first year. You talk about dollars so I'm assuming you are in the US. I'm not sure what it's like over there

Shouldershoulder · 17/12/2023 09:46

I'm concerned that you have to ask .

BrownTableMat · 17/12/2023 09:47

Another LTB from me. And, I’m a very involved churchgoer with a strong Christian faith and I’m utterly shocked at what your church is “counselling” you. It’s just wrong and unchristian.

If it’s Church of England or another church with a central structure I think the diocesan safeguarding officers or equivalent should be told that the church is pressuring someone to stay in an abusive relationship. They would certainly take a very dim view of it. But I understand that you might not want to report it right now.

The Christian faith says that all people are unique and infinitely valued children of God, and that includes you. You deserve to be treated with the love and respect that God has for you. Please do leave; you’re worth so much more.

Angelsrose · 17/12/2023 09:55

Time to say goodbye. Good luck for a bright and happy future without this loser.

TheCatfordCat · 17/12/2023 09:55

Leave him and find another church that doesn't aid abusive shitbags. He's has enough vhances. Also, get an independent registered therapist to help you work through your feelings.

TheCatfordCat · 17/12/2023 09:56

*chances

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/12/2023 10:00

This isn't one little mistake that he is trying his best to fix. This is who he is, it's a pattern of behaviour, it's part of his personality and he WILL do it again.

You need to forgive - yourself, for making a mistake in marrying someone who shouldn't be married to anyone.

It is much better for your child to have separated parents rather than two parents who hate each other and a miserable mother. You don't want them growing up to think this is how relationships work.

You gave the marriage and him a second chance and he has thrown it in your face. Do not make this mistake again

ItsNotOkItsNotTheEnd · 17/12/2023 10:08

What exactly do the church think he is "trying" at? Forget what other people are saying you should do. They aren't the ones who have to put up with him. You have to put you and your child first

MissJoGrant · 17/12/2023 10:09

AperolWhore · 17/12/2023 07:02

I think you know the answer to this, he sounds like a vile scum of a man and I wouldn’t hesitate to divorce him, taking everything in the process.

Do you have evidence of what he has done? You need pictures, copies etc

If OP lives in the UK then she doesn't need any evidence of anything. She can separate immediately and then divorce.

Elphamouche · 17/12/2023 10:11

He doesn’t need time. You need to leave!

Sloth66 · 17/12/2023 10:14

Make plans to end this mockery of a marriage as soon as possible. And to find another church that isn’t excusing his disgusting behavior . I hope 2024 is a better year and you find the happier life that you deserve.

hellsBells246 · 17/12/2023 10:14

Don't go to counselling via your church. Find a good independent counsellor who has your best interests at heart.

And LTB.

Then go to a STD clinic and get checked out.

He's cheated on you multiple times when you were pg, without using contraception. There is no way back from this.

He has not kept his marriage vows. Why should you forgive him?? I wouldn't.