AIBU for wanting to divorce husband after 6 months.

[Happysadmom]

I found out in June that my husband cheated on me; sex with 5 different women multiple times and women over social media. He spent thousands of dollars on sex sites and sending women money for “content,” or “have a nice lunch.” All the while complaining whenever I asked to be taken on a date. He had sex with one woman while we were married and the other times were while I was pregnant with our son and dating. Mind you he did this unprotected so he put me and baby at risk. I found out by finally getting into his computer and saw he had been taking pictures and videos of what he was doing. It was quite traumatizing and I get invasive images in my head still. Now going to therapy which is helping. I’ve asked him to go to therapy and he keeps saying he will but it’s been a month since he promised. He promised to stop smoking cigarettes and he’s still doing that. A couple weeks ago I found out he reached out to a woman that he had a sexual past with. We go to counseling through our church and I feel like they are just validating him saying he’s “trying” and that I need to be more forgiving. This man verbally abused me throughout the years of him cheating behind my back and I’m having a hard time getting past all that.
I love him and he can be kind and caring but there is also this side of him that really sucks and is abusive. I keep putting my foot down on boundaries and gave him a list of all the things I want if we are to move forward and he has not upheld the list and keeps disrespecting my boundaries.
So I’m asking AIBU for giving him 6 months to get his crap together and now that the 6 months is up I want to divorce him? Should I give him more time?
I found out I was pregnant days after I found out he had been cheating so it’s just another complexity.

You don't say where you are, OP, but in England and Wales at least you can't actually start divorce proceedings until you've been married for one year.

Obviously you can leave him during the first year and I'd suggest that you do.

@Happysadmom

You would be unreasonable to give him six MINUTES.

You should've left him 6 months ago. I could not forgive this, he's disgusting

Just dump him and run. He is actually awful and the fact that you have to even question if you are being unreasonable is worrying. Get your self esteem back and leave the jerk.

YABU giving him any time. Leave now he is never ever going to change

and find a new church

We go to counseling through our church and I feel like they are just validating him saying he’s “trying” and that I need to be more forgiving

Don’t go to counselling a) with him or b) through your church.

Counselling as a couple isn’t appropriate where one partner has been abusive (which yours has) and counselling through church is always going to be focused on ‘forgiveness’ and keeping a marriage together rather than focused on your actual welfare.

And yes, of course you should leave him. He’s an awful, awful person.

Agreed - there is no way on earth this is normal and you'll be happier single or dating literally anyone else in the world

Ps you can be a Christian and forgive him
But that does NOT mean you need to stay married to someone who repeatedly pisses all over his marriage vows I think you might even be able to annul this marriage

The church should be more focused on why he keeps committing a deadly sin than why you don't want to keep putting up with it

I'd find a new church too

You should have left the day you discovered it all. You are worth more!

Get riddd!

@Happysadmom that is some church you go to!!!

He was cheating before you got married and you knew about it and married him anyway?
Were you under pressure from your church to do this?
The church sounds like a big problem here. What kind of church is it?
You should not have married someone you knew was cheating and verbally abusing you. But I can absolutely understand the pressure if you're part of a church community which puts pressure on people to be married if they have children.

You should not be going to counselling at this church. It will be very biased counselling geared to keep the marriage together at all costs. Depending on what kind of church it is, it could also be biased towards the man.
No one should go to joint counselling with an abuser.
You should get your own separate counselling and absolutely NOT through any kind of church.
If you keep going to this joint counselling you will end up staying with him when you absolutely shouldn't. I suspect that something similar happened before you married him and you married him when you shouldn't have done.

If you are Catholic (which I somehow doubt, it doesn't sound like it), you would have a very good case for getting this marriage annulled under canon law because it is very clear from his behaviour before and after the marriage took place that he had no intention of honoring his marriage vows. It's a complex subject but I think you'd have a shot at it.

You should go to a solicitor as soon as possible to find out what your rights are and how a split would work.
If you need support and advice you can contact Women's Aid.
You can also ask on here - there are a lot of women who, sadly, have had experience of this sort of thing - and someone will suggest resources you can use to help you.

@iljafjpr we married in April and I found out in June. Part of why I’m so mad is if I had known who I was marrying I wouldn’t have done it because now I feel so stuck.

I started going to a separate church which he doesn’t like but I feel way more comfortable. Opened a separate bank account which really made him upset. He’s moved all the money out of the account before and left me with $2 so I wasn’t going to risk that again.

I am an evangelical christian so no not catholic and a new one at that so I’m still learning. Soooooo many churches but I definitely believe adultery is grounds for divorce. The husband I think should be man enough to divorce the wife knowing what he did but I don’t see that happening.

I definitely need resources because I don’t even know where to start in kicking him out of the house etc. He uses scare tactics and is going to take me to court which I’m dreading. I realizing staying isn’t an option and I thankfully have an awesome mom that is willing to move in and help me with bills and maintaining the home.

I appreciate everyone’s comments, it’s like a big dose of reality. It’s easy to get isolated in this situation so thank you all. This has been very helpful.

Oh I hear you and I totally understand.. my circumstances were similar .. you can do this.. you can get help and you can get free…
I rang benefits office and they were able to talk me through what they could do to help and paid me two weekly into my own account so kids had food… I also spoke solicitor for free for first appt ( do they still do that?) that got things moving.. my Mum gave me weekly food parcels which helped a lot..

Ps my exh did take me to court, repeatedly .. but my solicitor and barrister were amazing supportive women and I moved forward slowly but surely… one day you will waken up and be able to breathe properly for the first time in ages.
you can do this

Your job is to teach your DC how to be decent adults - leave this marriage... ❤️

Your church 'counsellor' can sod off - total misogynistic crap that a man can just break all boundaries of agreed marriage and be abusive but you just have to 'forgive' him. It doesn't sound like any of his positive characteristics make up for this and he clearly has zero respect for you.

Have you always been such a doormat OP? Because I'm wondering why you'd give this cheating piece of shit six minutes, let alone six months or longer to get his crap together!

He has put your and your baby's health at risk by having unprotected sex with numerous other women, yet here you are tying yourself in knots about how lenient you should be with him. I'd tell him to get the fuck out of the house right now and I'd give him six hours to be gone with all his stuff. He could've given you any number of STIs, inc. things like HIV. And you only know about what you've found - there could be way more. He will never be faithful. This is who he is. So please grow a spine, get angry and kick him out right now!

Yes you should absolutley leave your hisband he is a piece of shit who has zero respect or care you.

Hey lovely, thought I'd chip in as a fellow Evangelical happy clappy Christian.

I really really do deplore churches who try and pursuade women to stay in relationships like yours. People mess up, and people can change but this man is showing no signs whatsoever of doing, and no commitment to the process. It's not like he's struggling to change, he's not even trying.

Are you aware of the Nooma videos by Rob Bell? There's a VERY specific bit about this in 'Luggage'..... Here's the link but Fast forward to about 9min30, it's only about 90 seconds worth.

It's basically saying that you can pray about it, forgive him and want the best outcome for him, but that does NOT mean you have to stick around to keep subjecting yourself to this same repeated hurt. "As a dog returns to its vomit so a fool returns to his folly"..... He's just going to keep going back doing the same behaviour again and again. You can forgive him if you feel that's the Christian things to do, but you don't have to let yourself continue to the subject of his awful behaviour.

I hope you'll find the video useful.

Oh, by the way, I was always taught that divorce in the Christian church is permissable for any of the 5 A's.
Abuse
Addiction
Adultery
Abandonment
Annulment

God doesn't like divorce. It's not part of his plan. But he knows we all mess up, some more than others, (in this knobheads case, some a LOT more than others) and he really wouldn't want you hurting. There's laws and teachings about divorce in the bible because....well....even though it's not nice, needs must and when things get well and truely shit and enough is enough then these things need to be sensibly dealt with. The church back in biblical times knew that too, hence then having guidance on how to deal with it. They don't want it to happen, but understand that it does.

God wouldn't want you reliving this same knobhead behaviour over and over and he wouldn't want your child being brought up in a house where they see this behaviour as an example of how a man treats his wife. He has made you strong, he's given you gumption and dignity and honour. He has given you the insight to set boundaries and expectations and your arse of a husband isn't respecting any of them. I firmly believe your church is wrong in asking you to just forgive him and stay with him regardless. They are doing you a disservice as Christian leaders. Tell them, and him, to shove it. Move on and let him get himself straight with God if he so wishes. You don't have to stick around to see that. Have a snot and tears cry, rely on your decent church family (I hope you have one!), get counselling from another church or professionals, let God hug you and rest in him, then shake the dust off your feet and start as you mean to go. The strong, capable and independent women he made you capable of being. Start your divorce and don't look back

Are you married to my ex? Leave.

@FarmGirl78
What a lovely, kind and thoughtful post which I am sure will be very helpful for the OP

Also the OP's husband was behaving like this before the marriage which meant he had no intention of sticking to his marriage vows and creating a truly, loving, faithful marriage. Even in the RC church (I'm a Catholic), with their notorious stance on divorce, the OP would have grounds for an annulment.