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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what your lightbulb 💡 epiphany moment was?

577 replies

DelusionalBrilliance · 16/12/2023 18:53

In regards to anything, as long as it was big or life changing! A moment where something suddenly hit you and made a realisation, something that forced you to make changes or think about it differently?

Today I got talking with a few friends and they had all had at least one of these moments and it dawned on me I’d never actually had a life changing thunder clap of a moment where something clicked, either I’m boring or dead inside I think.

YANBU - I’ve never had one either
YABU - I’ve had them / several

OP posts:
Lizzbear · 17/12/2023 08:25

IHS · 16/12/2023 20:09

Realising that I could buy new kitchen scissors. I struggled for years with my kitchen scissors as they got more and more blunt and then the plastic handle broke so that it painfully pinched my skin whenever I used them.

Never occured to me to buy new ones! I just accepted that they were crap and considered that I was just inherently unlucky to be saddled with such a rubbish implement.

Was walking through the kitchen utensil dept of Ikea one day and came across an entire box of scissors. It then occured to me, as if by magic, that I could buy some, which I did. I then returned home, threw the old scissors out and started using the nice new ones.

Why on earth hadn't I done it sooner? It just never occured to me that I even could 😂

Haha. This made me laugh

willWillSmithsmith · 17/12/2023 08:27

Mine was when I was going to bed with my ex (still wanting him to want me), when all of a sudden I had the what am I doing moment. I got out of bed (thankfully nothing had yet happened) got dressed and a switch had suddenly gone out. I no longer wanted him to ‘want’ me, I no longer cared what he did with his life. It all happened in a split second. He’s the father of my children so I still see him over the years but that switch has never gone back on. Having that lightbulb moment was the most freeing thing that’s ever happened to me.

Nightowl1234 · 17/12/2023 08:29

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 17/12/2023 06:59

Many flee DV without being able to take the dog, cat etc. What matters is the person's safety as they're more likely to be killed than the dog.

Glad @MarleyandMarleyWoooo could take her dog but those who don't mostly have no choice and shouldn't feel guilty for not doing so.

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I wasn’t suggesting anyone should feel guilty. I was asking a follow up question to her amazingly inspirational story.

Elvis1956 · 17/12/2023 08:32

LemonJeIIy · 17/12/2023 01:00

Tell me what you have given up and what are you going on to do now! I'd love to change careers at 55

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I was an account manager for the insurance company, working with financial companies who sold insurance branded in their name but fully managed by us. I became a gardener pruning roses, cutting grass.

Going forward I don't need to work but might do things that appeal. Like working on our local docks unloading cars from transport ships, or volunteering for the wildlife trust or stacking shelves in Lidl...things I don't have to care about

Quiregirl · 17/12/2023 08:33

As I got older realising that arguing until you won with someone who is convinced they are right is a waste of your own energy. Now I just wait until the thing goes tits up and have the satisfaction of saying 'I told you so!'. So much easier to walk away and have a chuckle to your self.

Newnamedillydally · 17/12/2023 08:35

That I may have some form of PTSD from my husbands problematic drinking. My realisation this morning.

Smittenkitchen · 17/12/2023 08:38

Perhaps not quite thunderclap but I did have a realisation in my mid-late 20's that lots of products that are designed to "fix" physical issues are only needed by older people or the problem is entirely made up by the beauty industry. I had the realisation as I started to experience parts of my body start to play up a bit. I remember as a teenager-in my early 20"s feeling like I needed these products when I didn't at all. I remember thinking I had cellulite because I heard about it a lot in magazines etc, when it was just stretch marks from growing into an adult body. I do have cellulite now of course but know that it's not something that needs fixing!

tenbob · 17/12/2023 08:43

I’ve had two…

one was reading ‘you can be right or you can be happy’ on a MN thread years ago.
Having come from a family where you HAD to be right, this was a revelation

After reading it, I now ‘drop the rope’ instead of getting sucked in to family arguments and am so so so much happier for it.

The second was reading an article about food and nutrition where the interviewee said ‘no one has died from being a bit hungry. You don’t need to fear being a bit hungry’

Im not sure why, but it was another lightbulb moment and I now don’t stress if I don’t have a ‘proper’ meal, eg have cereal instead of dinner

WinchSparkle80 · 17/12/2023 08:43

@Strawberrypicnic never a truer word said. Thank you for sharing - given me a kick off the sofa this morning!

Katyrosebug · 17/12/2023 08:45

I love these threads!

I used to live in a different country with my ex, we'd moved into his parents flat while they lived in the UK so it was empty when we moved in. They came back after a couple of years and we all lived together because I could never afford to save money as my ex wouldn't work, so it was just me trying to save and pay for the 2 of us. Its easy to see now looking back but he was very controlling and I was already wanting out, his mother is exactly the same with his dad so in the flat his dad pretty much had the same treatment as I did. One day while washing up his mother was moaning about the way I was washing an oven dish and I just lost it, I picked it up and smashed it and went to my room, within 30 minutes I had flights booked home (for 10 weeks later) and I'd given my notice in at work, was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I don't know why that one moment did it for me but I'm glad it did. I've been happily married for 2 years now with someone the year above me at school ad I couldn't be happier

EVHead · 17/12/2023 08:46

The realisation in my 20s that I was never going to get the approval/praise from my family that I sought. Because they never say to anyone “I like your jumper” or “You suit that colour” or “Your hair looks lovely” or “It’s good to see you” or “I love you”. None of that, ever. So why make myself miserable about it? That’s just who they are.

I say all of these things, and more, to DD every time I see her.

Projectme · 17/12/2023 08:46

SwordToFlamethrower · 16/12/2023 21:20

In my 30s I realised I had a huge amount of internalised misogyny.

It was really hard to admit and process all the toxic stuff I'd learned in life, how I saw women and myself.

I was angry, heartbroken and ashamed.

Since then I've worked VERY hard to be a good woman, learned to love myself as a woman, fight for women's rights and advocate for myself and other women and girls.

Thanks to my own DM who was/still is a misogynist; as a female 'I should know my place'!! Allowing my DH to do his own ironing?!?!?! She was so shocked when she found him ironing his work shirts and said to me 'why aren't you doing them?' And right at that moment I realised that my own DM was a misogynistic chauvinist!

She refuses to watch women play football as it 'should be left for the men to play'.

She detested most of my DB's g/friends and rarely liked any of my own girlfriends. She'd been brought up in this fashion so tried to do the same with me. My DB unfortunately followed suit with her opinions but I never have.

And years later would moan that DF never lifted a finger to help with housework!! Hah you reap what you sow!

RosesAndHellebores · 17/12/2023 08:46

When dd was 12 and I was turned 50. "No mum, I'm not going to grandma's in the holidays, she's awful and criticises and picks away the whole time". I had spent my entire life trying to please my mother (I still do to an extent) not pretty enough, not clever enough, not elegant enough, generally not good enough.

A 12 year olds next words "mum, it's not you, it's her" were a critical turning point. After much thought, some research and finding "Stately Homes", I realised my mother is a classic narcissist. It really was a dawning moment.

Couple of others.

When mother married step in 1981, I realised I could only rely on myself and had better make my own life and did.

The spirituality of the prayers and blessings during my wedding ceremony confirmed to me that God existed and marriage was sacrosanct. His presence felt palpable.

ChaToilLeam · 17/12/2023 08:47

3 related things:

Not to make someone a priority when you are only an afterthought to them. I remember busting a gut to try and catch up with a friend who had moved away and was only back in town briefly, he really didn’t make much in the way of a reciprocal effort and it was a bit of a lightbulb moment.

Also, that you can’t possibly do everything, so don’t even try. I have severe FOMO but am not blessed with boundless energy, so choices have to be made.

And finally, I realised I am not the extrovert everyone assumes. I’m not an introvert either, I’m somewhere in the middle. And I absolutely need my down time and solitude to recharge. Some friends really don’t get it. That’s okay, they don’t have to understand, but they need to respect me saying no sometimes.

GreenwichOrTwicks · 17/12/2023 08:48

These are good thanks! Can’t think of one at the moment but the are so inspirational!

User1789 · 17/12/2023 08:48

riotlady · 16/12/2023 23:28

I realised I could just get rid of stuff that doesn’t make me happy, there’s no obligation to carry it around. I had loads of diaries from my teen years that were mostly quite sad and traumatic, and I carried them with me every move but never read them because they were upsetting. One day I realised I could just bin them, and I stuck them all straight in the recycling. Never have I once gone “oh I wish I could read about how sad and lonely I was at 14!”

I did similar, but mainly with photographs. I kept albums and albums of photos from my teen years, when I was desparately unhappy, filled with pictures of friends I was no longer in contact with for good reason.

I had been told they were 'special' and it was important to remember that phase of your life. I just saw an awkward, unhappy, not particuarly attractive girl that I was very pleased to have left behind and threw them all out when moving house while pregnant. I felt relieved of a massive burden and should have done it years earlier.

RainbowUtensils · 17/12/2023 08:49

That all the adults are just making it up as they go along. No one really knows what they're doing, so my opinion was just as valid as anyone else's.

This realisation came from David Cameron being prime minister and his austerity policies. I was in my early 20s, and realised he was just winging it, and so was everyone else

Seamist22 · 17/12/2023 08:50

That our gut instincts are real - we’re all made up
of energy and we can feel when something is right or not when we tune into our own feelings.

This is related to the idea others have said about not worrying what others think / living through social media etc, as that takes away your ability to tune into yourself.

It’s also linked to the “you are all you need” ideas as you are far more powerful and capable than you realise

It’s also the basis of genuinely loving yourself and realising you are exactly who you are meant to be, you don’t have to be whatever social media / society expects of you

My rule to myself is to choose the thoughts and actions that bring a peaceful feeling inside me. Some genuine “miracles” have happened in my life when I’ve done this, including having 3 children when I was told it was medically impossible, buying the exact house I’d imagined in an area way out of my price range, finding a best friend when my marriage broke down, and instinctively going to the hospital moments before my mum unexpectedly passed away (I woke at 3am with a strong gut instinct to go there - she was in hospital with an infection and it was during Covid so no visitor policy, but I persuaded them to let me in and she deteriorated and died a few hours later with me by her side).

DriftingDora · 17/12/2023 08:53

ZekeZeke · 16/12/2023 19:53

Accepting I was an alcoholic and if I didn't stop drinking then I would lose DH, my children, my job ans probably die.
I'm sober 7 years.

Well done for having the courage to turn things around.

RampantIvy · 17/12/2023 08:58

Realising that Christmas dinner doesn't have to be ready at an exact time. We do tend to at at around lunchrime rather than mid afternoon, but it's ready when it's ready.

I have stopped carig about what people think about me. I used to try so hard to facilitate friendships, and now I don't. As a result I have a better social life now than I have had for many years.

Elphame · 17/12/2023 08:59

That I don’t have to conform to what society wants me to be.

It’s ok to be different, not to do what is considered the norm. If people feel threatened by it then that is their problem not mine.

Squiblet · 17/12/2023 09:00

VolvoFan · 16/12/2023 22:55

Hey @Squiblet. It's really hard to explain. I somehow made friends in school but it didn't last. From then on I just gave up trying. I'm quite an introverted person and was raised quite badly dragged up. But I made an amazing friend while in sixth form and I went on to marry him! So it's not because I'm unlikeable, you either click or you don't. That one click I made turned into something truly amazing 😍

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That's lovely! A real life example of a soul mate 💙

Sergina · 17/12/2023 09:03

What a brilliant topic.
I have just read something on here that resonated with me so much. You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm….

Having just turned 50 and realising that i i don’t have to do anything i don’t want to anymore. I am reforming from being a massive people pleaser to doing what i want (or don’t want) for a change. My mental health was close to breaking because of it.

Currently culling my phone contacts…Only the people i want to hear from can have my number now. Bye bye SIL i don’t like , my needy neighbour next door can get stuffed also. She never really had my best intentions at heart.

HalloweenGrinch · 17/12/2023 09:04

This is an interesting thread and seems to be largely about having eyes opened to patterns of belief and behaviour inculcated in our young lives.

I have two. One was when I was about 11, at Brownies and going through a phase of being convinced I wanted to be baptised. I was being asked to proselytise by this organisation and realised I did not believe in it enough to want to convince someone else. I have been atheist since.

The second was also belief based and may raise sone eyebrows. I was working in an emergency department and was involved in the care of a young teenager who said they had attempted suicide due to being misgendered by a teacher. As a self-identified kind and progressive person, it kicked off a process of reflection and reading that has led me to realise how toxic and dangerous gender ideology is, to the point where it has changed my life in many ways.

I now make no assumptions about the veracity of my entrenched beliefs and try to reflect and test them constantly.

Itslookinggood · 17/12/2023 09:06

I have two.

first, reading an article in the middle of the night while away on a work trip that made me realise why I felt so lonely in my arraign. It described EXH’s behaviour perfectly. I realised it wasn’t my fault (always told that it was).

was like a religious enlightening. Felt suddenly a massive sense of peace. Bought myself a small item of jewellery the next day to remember it by, which I still do every time I wear it.

thr second was reading a book on covert narcissism. Sudden revelation that this was happening to me - the gaslighting, silent treatment etc were part of a pattern. so my thoughts that I was descending into madness weren’t because I was insane, but because of EXH’s behaviour.

eventually managed to leave. Took a long time to recover but am better now.