To ask what your lightbulb 💡 epiphany moment was?

[DelusionalBrilliance]

In regards to anything, as long as it was big or life changing! A moment where something suddenly hit you and made a realisation, something that forced you to make changes or think about it differently?

Today I got talking with a few friends and they had all had at least one of these moments and it dawned on me I’d never actually had a life changing thunder clap of a moment where something clicked, either I’m boring or dead inside I think.

YANBU - I’ve never had one either
YABU - I’ve had them / several

My lightbulb moment was realising that I could get a new potato peeler!
What a difference… and for less than a fiver 🤣

Realising that people aren't interested in you only interested in themselves - unless they can discuss things about you that makes them feel better about themselves. But really they don't care.

Realising that my single DBIL could eat what he wanted when he wanted, choose whatever he wanted to watch on the tv, go to bed when he wanted, get up when he wanted etc etc I was a busy DM with 3 DCs 9-16 and DH away much of the time . Never put myself first. However many years later don't envy his current quiet life.

Im naturally quite a selfish person and I always used to feel really guilty about it. So like if I hear someone in my family has died, my first thought will probably be to wonder if I've been left any money. I often weigh up if I'd get caught doing something when I'm trying to force myself to do the right thing. It's not a very nice personality trait at all to be honest and I always feel I've somehow fooled people into thinking I'm a much nicer person than I actually am; like I'm waiting to be caught out.

Then I read a quote, I think it was on here, and it said the first thought that pops into your head, ie the thought you have no control over, is who you've been conditioned to be then the second one, ie your conscious thought, is who you're trying to be and that one is far more important.

It's made me relax a lot about that side of my personality. I might think shitty things but I don't act on them.

Seeing yet another stupid decision made from higher up and suddenly realising that the people in charge are a bunch of frauds who are making it up as they go along and the only difference is that they have all the chutzpah, bluster and bullshit. Same pretty much everywhere.

Sadly, mine came after my brother died unexpectedly in his 30s. I realised that life does not follow a story arc. We are not guaranteed a beginning, middle and an end so make as much of every day as you can. It probably sounds obvious and trite to most but it hadn’t been to me!

It was a long painful journey to realise that you can’t rely on other people for validation or to make you happy.

Before lockdown, I had a real solid group of friends. I truly believed that it didn’t matter that I had no family because my friends were the family I chose. When lockdown was coming to an end and everyone was making plans to meet up with their nearest and dearest, not one person contacted me. No plans were made for a meeting with me. It broke me! I was so distraught that I didn’t know what I would do, I had to call the Samaritans. I really was all alone in this world!!!
Then I realised that I have two dc who I needed to be here for. I needed to be the person who was there for them so they never felt alone. And I wasn’t alone, I had them.

That the idea of original sin is pernicious nonsense, but that without it, the structure of Christianity starts looking shaky. I was at a dinner party given by the college chaplain whose (formidable) wife was pregnant, and a 20 year old Calvinist male was holding forth about how the fact that babies cry for food indicates their selfish sinful nature, and I just thought, this is all utter bollocks.

That if you don't do something to change your situation, you'll go on being in the same situation. Sounds obvious? It is but it took me 4 years of marriage to work it out. I left my xh that day.

Realising a year into widowhood that none of my sexual partners had ever really cared about my pleasure in a way that involved any imagination or effort from them. But also realising that I'd chosen men I didn't really desire rather than deal with desiring men who didn't want me, that I'd refused to be sexual in relationships because I was afraid of rejection and that all of those things could be different. My sex life in the following year was like going into Technicolor.

That I don’t have to finish a book I’m not enjoying. Life’s too short and there are many, many fantastic books out there waiting to be read.

Oh and realising that a good partner is one who does the day to day stuff - ie is nice to you, likes to chat to you, does his fair share in the house, doesn't want to see you struggle and not someone who does the grand gestures.

That was after I had a boyfriend who was amazing at surprising me with extravagant holidays then I heard him really slating me to his friends in the pub. He knew I was also in the pub so wasn't massively concerned if I overheard. I thought then what use is a huge engagement ring and weekends in New York if you don't actually even like me. Living with someone who dislikes you and avoids you is lonelier than living alone anyway so I left him a couple of weeks later and now live a comparatively skint life with a man who likes to join me when I take the dog out for a walk and cleans the kitchen with me so we can catch up on our day.

Minor compared to so many on here, but some things that stand out:

1. As a late-teenager, choosing to take responsibility for my mental health, look after myself, cultivate a positive outlook and generally choose to be a glass half-full sort of person. I'd been a really miserable teenager and this was a real 'fake it till you make it' effort, but it mostly worked.
2. Also as a late-teenager, realising that I could, and would, break up with my boyfriend if he didn't prioritise me more, and saying that to him. It doesn't sound like much, but it felt completely revelatory to me that I was capable of walking away from something that had many good points, but wasn't working for me. (We have been together for 25 years now.)
3. I really hope that I am about to have the famous peri-menopausal 'you don't have to be a people-pleaser' moment. It hasn't happened yet, but I can't wait!

I've done a lot of therapy and I'm very self aware/introspective too. So by now I just naturally question why I do certain things, or I look to improve my life just all the time, like a undercurrent of conversation with myself, mostly subconsciously but sometimes with a lot of purpose. Especially trying to date as a survivor of DV. My most recent big revelation was finding the reason why my relationships always follow a certain pattern. I've been trying to figure this out for at least 10 years. I was so ready to fix that issue and it was exciting to figure it out.

Final one realising that the reward for hard work is just to be given more work usually with no extra benefit to you.

Not to knock my pan out for a workplace.

worked for a place that was bought over. A senior manager worked constantly without days off for months to get the project over the line (massive system migration). We were all tuped over. He was dropped like a hot potato within months. If they had made him redundant with a payout it would have been kinder. But they bullied him until his mental health suffered and he couldn’t handle it anymore

I was thinking about the coercive control storyline on The Archers and it suddenly hit me that my ex-DH had been doing all those things on purpose. He was so so convincing and it was so subtle but all at once I saw it all.

This is a great thread. I am reading each post carefully.

When my DS got higher up in his career and realising that so called experts are so not always right.
That "experts" regularly disagree with each other, that the answer given to the public is just as likely to be based on which dept has been given the most money/the politics of the moment.
And that internal politics plays its part too. [see gov inquiries].

I don’t know who said it to me or when or if I read it somewhere but coming across the phrase ‘you don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm’ hit me like a bolt of electricity. I was sacrificing so much of myself in work, family and friendships that I realised it was all for the benefit of other people and not myself. Always putting other people’s needs before my own I realised I was burnt out and thoroughly unhappy. So I’ve gradually stopped doing it. I say no when I don’t want to do something and I don’t feel bad about it any more. Very freeing.

I am so glad to hear things are better now. Wishing you and yours a peaceful & happy Christmas.

Realising that I wanted to marry the girl in the green coat. She was part of our group of friends, about six of us were chatting. It really was a sudden realisation.
Have been together a good few years.

Two 🎉
When struggling with taking up proper exercise (running) for the first time a few years ago I realised that the "I have to stop or I'll die" feeling was just me mixing up fast breathing/ heart rate with a panic attack. I since learned that it's common in people with anxiety or past trauma.
Realising now (age 49) that my life is mine to navigate however I like, with no points of reference whatsoever. Absolutely learn from others but always take into account their circumstances and values; one size absolutely doesn't fit all 🤍

To stop being a people pleaser and to put myself first - especially in work. I was always too keen to help other people with their projects when they asked - yes I’ll take on a bit of extra marking, yes I’ll do the open day, yes I’ll do your seminars for you - even when it disadvantaged me, and even when I knew these people would not return the favour. It freed up their time to do the things that led to promotions and pay rises. Now I don’t. I have built a portfolio of work and I’m focusing on that, because doing that really well will get me to where I want to go.

Feel the fear and do it anyway - that back fired on me seriously - I am not sociable, I struggle very much to make friends but decided to just go along anyway - someone will chat to me errrrrrr nooooooo. You will stand like a big lump feeling everyone is looking at you and wondering 'why is she here?'.
I'm sure I have PTSD from being 'brave'

This I will use!!!! Thanks!

My first one was when I was 16, and was so nervous about meeting the parents of a friend that I threw up in a rose bush in their front garden! That was a pivotal moment, I realised I couldn’t go through life like that, and faked confidence until it came naturally.

It's not always a thunder clap, sometimes it's a slow realization that something isn't working for you.
I've had a few over the years. In my 20s it was that nothing I do will please my mother. As soon as I achieved the goal she wanted, she would set a new one. Trying to make her happy was making me miserable, so I stopped and started living my life how I choose.
In my 30s there were quite a few 😂 my work place was toxic and I needed to get out, for the sake of my mental health. Also that work doesn't define you, its what you do and to emotionally be less invested. I stick to my contracted hours, take lunch breaks and all annual leave.
I attract friends who a selfish/emotional vampires, I've culled a lot of them now.
Finally, I subconsciously, pick mem who are broken, because I think I can fix them. But then get frustrated because they don't pull their weight in the relationship. So I pick what I want and not what I need.
I'm interested to see what I learn in my 40s 😂

Aged 24 - you can’t make someone love you.
Also aged 24 - you have to make yourself happy
Aged 25 - it’s ok to say I’m not ok.
Aged 34 - someone has to do the childcare, so it might as well be you.
Aged 43 - casual misogyny has plagued me my whole life. Call it out.