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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what your lightbulb 💡 epiphany moment was?

577 replies

DelusionalBrilliance · 16/12/2023 18:53

In regards to anything, as long as it was big or life changing! A moment where something suddenly hit you and made a realisation, something that forced you to make changes or think about it differently?

Today I got talking with a few friends and they had all had at least one of these moments and it dawned on me I’d never actually had a life changing thunder clap of a moment where something clicked, either I’m boring or dead inside I think.

YANBU - I’ve never had one either
YABU - I’ve had them / several

OP posts:
MsRosley · 17/12/2023 09:10

Beebopwasthebest · 16/12/2023 23:09

First week of 6th form (thanks to a wonderful teacher) I realised that algebra was just filling in the gaps, like a puzzle. I'd struggled so much before, not understanding the purpose of what I was doing.

I got a higher grade at A level than I did at GCSE and the grades I needed for my career.

I remember it so clearly almost 30 years later.

Gosh, I could really have done with that framework when I was at school. I was truly perplexed by algebra. That and trying to balance chemistry equations, which seemed as impenetrable as alchemy - you could explain it to me until the end of time and I still wouldn't get it.

Fingeronthebutton · 17/12/2023 09:12

ZekeZeke · 16/12/2023 19:53

Accepting I was an alcoholic and if I didn't stop drinking then I would lose DH, my children, my job ans probably die.
I'm sober 7 years.

Well done you 👏👏👏

Blessedarethecheesemakerss · 17/12/2023 09:15

That a lot of volunteer roles are just abusive of the volunteer: of their time, their goodwill, their sense of duty and guilt; and sometimes, just straightforward physical and mental abuse.

justasking111 · 17/12/2023 09:15

When a young mum with a six week baby came down with tonsillitis I felt so ill I rang my mum asking her to come round. Nope she was too busy. I realised then that I was an adult. No-one would be coming to kiss it better again.

FiresideCinders · 17/12/2023 09:15

Another one

If you sport, art, crafty hobbies, baking, gardening, etc

You don't have to be an Olympian or a Picasso, you just have to enjoy the taking part at all levels

Itneverrainsitpissesitdown · 17/12/2023 09:15

I spent my childhood and teenage years desperately trying to fit in with others, wondering why I was different, feeling confused that I couldn't join in with my peers and why something as simple as making eye contact and saying "Hello" was such a struggle for me.
I had years of classmates telling me I was weird or stupid, teachers telling me I was rude and uninterested. All the while thinking there was something terribly wrong with me.
I was bullied terribly all through high school.

My lightbulb moment came when I was 17, at college studying child development.
I was reading through a text book having been asked to research different disabilities, and suddenly my entire life made sense.
In that moment I new that I wasn't weird or stupid or rude or any of the other things they said I was.
I have ASD.

AngelinaFibres · 17/12/2023 09:16

That I am allowed to be me. I am allowed to see joy in things. I am allowed to be utterly, absolutely delighted when my children graduate, get married, tell me I'm going to be a granny. My father was autistic and my mother is totally emotionally cold. No news was/ is ever greeted with any reaction at all. Telling people you love them is okay. Telling people you are proud of them is okay.
That the ' grey rock' method is fabulous in dealing with certain people.
That you don't have to keep ' friends' who have been around for years, especially when they aren't friends at all.

FromDespairToHere · 17/12/2023 09:21

I'm a Brownie leader. About 15 years ago one of my Brownies was diagnosed with ASD. I decided to read up on it so I knew how better to support her. As I read more and more I just kept thinking "but this describes my DD..." She also got diagnosed with it shortly afterwards.

As if that wasn't enough I obviously did a lot of soul searching why I hadn't realised about DD earlier. She's my only one, no siblings to compare her to. But compared to me at that age... exactly the same. Guess what I have too!

AInightingale · 17/12/2023 09:22

I've had many. The most recent was about four years ago, realising that what many of what I thought were my 'beliefs' were woolly-headed nonsense.

41quid · 17/12/2023 09:23

Realising that the biggest driver towards your last paycheck is your first paycheck. No help to me but did ensure that DC focused on applying their considerable work ethic to academic work rather than PT jobs in school and uni.

Understanding that one should never feel foolish for doing the right thing - even if it comes with criticism or condemnation from those keen on shortcuts, lifehacks and nepotism.

There is a steep slope between being content and being happy, but no difference in the quality of sleep. Cut yourself slack when you can.

NonPlayerCharacter · 17/12/2023 09:23

Blessedarethecheesemakerss · 17/12/2023 09:15

That a lot of volunteer roles are just abusive of the volunteer: of their time, their goodwill, their sense of duty and guilt; and sometimes, just straightforward physical and mental abuse.

I'm a volunteer for a couple of organisations. What pissed me off this year was getting Whamageddoned at the Christmas fayre!

Ourshoddyhouse · 17/12/2023 09:24

That being happy in my job means more to me than higher salary and responsibility.

Squiblet · 17/12/2023 09:28

Some amazing posts on here, thanks everyone for sharing.

One I remember was when I was about 12 and picked up a Jane Austen. I knew it had been written in the early 1800s so didn't expect to understand it. But I read it all and loved it. Then I realised that I could read any book in the world, not just the child/YA shelves. Our house was full of books and it was like opening the door to a wonderland.

Another is how, in my 40s, I gradually realised that most people act the way they do out of FEAR. At some deep level, we're all just frightened little kids. Keeping this in mind has helped me have empathy for other people (and myself), and react to situations in a more constructive way.

RampantIvy · 17/12/2023 09:28

Ourshoddyhouse · 17/12/2023 09:24

That being happy in my job means more to me than higher salary and responsibility.

Yes. This is true for me as well.

misslooloo · 17/12/2023 09:28

This!

I was going to say something very similar.

The day I truly, absolutely, completely understood what taking responsibility for myself actually meant.

Changed everything.

User1789 · 17/12/2023 09:28

Blessedarethecheesemakerss · 17/12/2023 09:15

That a lot of volunteer roles are just abusive of the volunteer: of their time, their goodwill, their sense of duty and guilt; and sometimes, just straightforward physical and mental abuse.

Agreed. That realisation has none-the-less, made considering how to engage in political activism much more complex. You are being used to raise the profile of somebody else's brand, but sometimes that awareness-raising work does need to be done.

AInightingale · 17/12/2023 09:30

@Itneverrainsitpissesitdown It's like finding a code to a safe you've never been able to open, isn't it? I was flicking through books in a store one day (son was recently diagnosed) and there was one about girls with Aspergers Syndrome, containing lots of personal accounts from women who had grown up with the condition, and I realised they were describing me.

Saymyname28 · 17/12/2023 09:32

He smashed something of mine up with a hammer. I knew if I stayed he WOULD kill me. I left, I'm safe and happy and loved.

Until that moment I thought I'd be able to withstand the anger and shouting and threats for DSs sake. Obviously afterwards as the fog clears I realised that wouldn't have benefitted DS anyway.

Lovethewinter · 17/12/2023 09:33

Realising I didn't have to be on Facebook, Instagram etc. I thought it would be temporary because I would miss out but I've never looked back! So many posts used to give me anxiety, compare myself to others and worry someone was making a dig in a comment. Best decision I ever made for me.

AngelinaFibres · 17/12/2023 09:36

I was brought up in a family where you got married and then you stayed married no matter what hell that marriage was. I would never have left my first husband. Thankfully he left me or I would still be in that life. My mother stuck with my father. She was determined the marriage would endure. We all endured her determination ( and her disappointment and her 'shut down' coldness.) I read somewhere recently how some marriages last a lifetime and some have a sell-by date and that it's not a failure. It doesn't make you shameful or less than others. It's okay yo get out of something that's absolutely shit.

ttcat37 · 17/12/2023 09:40

Being early 30s, no meaningful or lasting relationship under my belt, lonely and unhappy that I would probably never have children as it seemed so impossible to meet anybody.

Realised that I could be single and childless and miserable, or make the most of my life.

I sorted out some bad habits, and most importantly started a new hobby which I was so proud of as it was something I did completely by myself. I remember feeling so much more whole and standing outside at my friend’s house and saying “I feel really happy with my life” and for the first time in as long as I could remember, meaning it.

I was introduced to a guy at my hobby and 5 years later he’s my DH and we’re expecting our first baby.

AxolotlEars · 17/12/2023 09:41

ChaToilLeam · 17/12/2023 08:47

3 related things:

Not to make someone a priority when you are only an afterthought to them. I remember busting a gut to try and catch up with a friend who had moved away and was only back in town briefly, he really didn’t make much in the way of a reciprocal effort and it was a bit of a lightbulb moment.

Also, that you can’t possibly do everything, so don’t even try. I have severe FOMO but am not blessed with boundless energy, so choices have to be made.

And finally, I realised I am not the extrovert everyone assumes. I’m not an introvert either, I’m somewhere in the middle. And I absolutely need my down time and solitude to recharge. Some friends really don’t get it. That’s okay, they don’t have to understand, but they need to respect me saying no sometimes.

A friend one asked me to meet up at a local park. When I arrived I started to see lots of people I was vaguely acquainted with. Turns out she had invited the contents of her phone! I was moaning to my husband about it later in the day. He said "You hated it because you are a people person but not a party person". Light bulb goes off 🙂

Reading this thread has made me realise that I've had epiphanies!

HardcoreLadyType · 17/12/2023 09:41

Lovethewinter · 17/12/2023 09:33

Realising I didn't have to be on Facebook, Instagram etc. I thought it would be temporary because I would miss out but I've never looked back! So many posts used to give me anxiety, compare myself to others and worry someone was making a dig in a comment. Best decision I ever made for me.

I gave up Twitter (as was) “for Lent” this year. (I’m not religious, I just thoughts I’d do it.)

I realised how angry it was making me about things I couldn’t really control, anyway. I have never gone back.

Winnading · 17/12/2023 09:45

Another math one, I've seen a few already.
There are only 9 numbers, what are you scared of. A friend said that to me and then all the fear of maths, flew away, I was able for the first time to actually think about figures and computations, not just seize up in fear of the numbers. I was 16 or 17. I wish I'd heard that much sooner.

Around 20, I realised that no one is looking at me, no one cares about what I'm wearing, why I'm walking down that street, I could skip or dance down the street and people might smile but forget it in 10 minutes, plus I don't know them and will never see them again. So skip, dance, boogie or just walk down the street, have no fear that anyone is looking.

After my husband left me with a toddler and a babe in arms, I was super upset, we had only just got married. I had got married for life. Anyway it was an all round shit time, I got very very drunk one night, wanted to kill myself (not because of him, I just thought my children should have two decent parents and I wasnt one at the time. So I hit rock bottom. Drank whisky til I was sick. Then finally was through the worst. Figured I only had to hold myself together for a small amount of time per day for now. I "only" had to bring up two children by myself for 18 years and I could do this.

I did do this, they are now in their 30s and I did it all alone, not even grandparents around, no extended family at all. Fuck it was so hard, I was not perfect, we were so bloody skint. But i did it.

Never drunk whisky since.

SamuelDJackson · 17/12/2023 09:48

Several

The first - having one of those gaslighting, interminable arguments with abusive boyfriend. It was about a fairly random political issue but it was something I had studied, written on and was well informed about. He knew nothing on the subject and had no personal skin in the game. So I was holding my ground calmly with the facts rather than becoming conciliatory and emollient to hold the peace between us, thinking we could have a rational discussion like adults. And he got really riled up, practically frothing at the mouth, jumping about the room, and then started accusing me of being overly emotional and shouting. I knew nothing about the concept of DARVO at that point but suddenly realized this was how all out discussions and arguments went. He wasn't arguing and discussing because he had firmly held opinions or investment in the issue, he was very much playing the man and not the ball. The situation was engineered so that he would 'win' by provoking me enough that I would either get upset or falsely concede to his side in order to hold the peace, and then he could paint me a stupid, irrational, emotional, weak, needing his informed opinion. It was honestly like the scales dropped from my eyes at that moment, and I became utterly icily calm as I saw the whole. And so continued calmly holding my well informed ground and didn't get emotional when he tried to make it personal. He stormed off in the end as his usual game was thwarted. Id love to say I ended it that day, but it took a few more months to get disentangled, but that moment was the revelation and understanding of the emotional abuse and manipulation tactics he was using.

The next in my 20s - had just been offered a prestigious post in a particular research center I was working at, whole career path opening up and mapped out for me. Was sitting in the canteen one morning, looked around at everyone and realized this wasn't a future I wanted, went straight home after work that day and applied for a new undergraduate course that would totally change my direction, much harder path to carry out and fund, but the right use of my life and talents.

30s- a particular incident with DH where I realized we would marry and have children together

Again 30s - failed in a job interview, and was really upset. Went to bed after a glass of wine and bit of a cry/sulk. Woke up at 4 that morning with what can only be described as a feeling of absolute peace, calmness and joy. Lay in the dark thinking about it and realized that I was happy that I hadn't got the job because that meant I was still free to make plans, didn't have to commit to that particular workplace and colleagues. This was the impetus to make changes that have led to working abroad, learning a new language and a much better life and job.

I don't make decisions by waiting for a gut feeling - but when my gut says something I listen to it as these 4 epiphany moments have definitely shaped my life for the better