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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Drug dealers and their families

61 replies

hardtono · 16/12/2023 10:18

NC for this.

I'm trying to work out my own feelings but I admit to feeling very judgemental having worked with people whose lives have been destroyed by drugs.

If one of the middle-aged family members was a drug dealer how would you feel about them and their partner and kids? Would you judge the adults and worry that the kids will follow in the parent's footsteps? Kids are teenagers if that matters. If your teens were friends with their kids would you be concerned?

I can't enable voting because I'm on the app but AIBU to be concerned and worry that if a parent is a drug dealer then the family must be involved in some way but most definitely affected by it?

OP posts:
Heyhoherewegoagain · 16/12/2023 10:19

YANBU-I most certainly wouldn’t be encouraging my kids to have any kind of relationship with any of them

CornishPorsche · 16/12/2023 10:23

Yip.

Partners are always complicit IMO. Turning a blind eye doesn't protect them and many of them are heavily implicated in the disposal of the proceeds of crime - I've arrested WAGS before for that. I see partners - and parents - being used for money laundering all the time.

Kids will always be at risk - drug dealers can have the most horrific turf wars, look at some of the gun deaths in London and Liverpool where innocent bystanders have been killed. Partners are also at risk from this kind of thing.

MrsKwazi · 16/12/2023 10:24

I judge harshly.

Tinkerbyebye · 16/12/2023 10:24

YANBU. I would not be having anything to do with them and if i had proof would be reporting via crimestoppers

SgtJuneAckland · 16/12/2023 10:28

I wouldn't want my DC in that house, but telling them DHs and my job usually sees to that anyway. Growing up in that environment normalises criminal behaviour, they are aware where money is coming from and how that benefits them, same for partners who turn a blind eye although as adults I would view them differently to the children who have no choice. It's also not unusual for teens of drug dealers to end up involved.

vidflex · 16/12/2023 10:31

My dad was in and out of prison for dealing. Both parents were addicts. Spent my whole childhood being judged by their actions. In care a lot. Constant moving school to school. Other Parents wouldn't allow their kids to be friends with me. Family didn't want to get involved. Pretty lonely scary existence.

I've never had a drug problem. I've worked hard in my career. I've raised a wonderful happy family. My siblings have too. We are all good people.

So I tend to not judge the children caught up in these situations. Even the ones who end up pulled into this life and become addicts or dealers themselves.

jc12689 · 16/12/2023 10:39

I would be distancing myself and family as much as possible before it all implodes, which it will inevitably do.

vidflex · 16/12/2023 10:46

If you're asking if the children will be involved in drugs/dealing because the parents are then I'll be honest and tell you I have carried drugs for my dad. I've handed packages and money to other dealers etc for him. But I didn't want to. I had no choice. I never took drugs myself. I never offered any friends drugs.

But when you grow up in this kind of hell it just feels so normal. And I don't think the gravity of it all really hit me until I was an adult.

CornishPorsche · 16/12/2023 10:48

@vidflex very valid points. Thank goodness you got out with minimal scathing.

Unfortunately huge numbers of kids don't and are dragged into the family business - not necessarily as users but into all sorts of crime.

LlynTegid · 16/12/2023 10:50

I'd be reporting as suggested immediately. Question would be to whom, or if more than one report.

I wouldn't be judging their children.

Izit · 16/12/2023 10:51

I would associate with that relative as little as possible and my teens would NOT be hanging around with their kids.

AnonnyMouseDave · 16/12/2023 10:51

hardtono · 16/12/2023 10:18

NC for this.

I'm trying to work out my own feelings but I admit to feeling very judgemental having worked with people whose lives have been destroyed by drugs.

If one of the middle-aged family members was a drug dealer how would you feel about them and their partner and kids? Would you judge the adults and worry that the kids will follow in the parent's footsteps? Kids are teenagers if that matters. If your teens were friends with their kids would you be concerned?

I can't enable voting because I'm on the app but AIBU to be concerned and worry that if a parent is a drug dealer then the family must be involved in some way but most definitely affected by it?

If a middle aged man were selling weed to adults then I would not be overly judgemental, but I would be trying to keep my distance and not encourage m kids to be friends with theirs.

If he's selling coke to kids, or into any sort of dodgy gang shit, then I would be MASSIVELY judgemental

Beezknees · 16/12/2023 10:51

I was the child of a drug dealer. No I would not worry that the kids would follow in the parents footsteps and I'd let my children be friends with the kids. I'd have had a very lonely childhood through no fault of my own if every parent decided not to let their kids near me!

I have never taken drugs and am law abiding myself, never been arrested and am NC with my dad now.

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/12/2023 10:52

@vidflex

Thank you and sorry you went through this.

While it’s understandable that people don’t want to be around people who deal drugs I think it’s grossly unfair that children are stigmatised for it. They have no control over this.

Partners yes I would judge. Children no.

10HailMarys · 16/12/2023 10:55

I would have absolutely no time for the dealer or the dealer’s partner. I would absolutely judge a dealer and I would absolutely judge someone who was happy to enter a relationship with a dealer.

I wouldn’t judge the kids; it’s not their fault. But I wouldn’t feel that the household was a safe one and if I had kids I wouldn’t be sending them round for play dates.

VisionsOfSplendour · 16/12/2023 10:57

Beezknees · 16/12/2023 10:51

I was the child of a drug dealer. No I would not worry that the kids would follow in the parents footsteps and I'd let my children be friends with the kids. I'd have had a very lonely childhood through no fault of my own if every parent decided not to let their kids near me!

I have never taken drugs and am law abiding myself, never been arrested and am NC with my dad now.

I was going to say the same, I'd have absolutely nothing to do with the adults but would give the children the benefit of the doubt until I had reason not to

startquitting · 16/12/2023 11:01

Heyhoherewegoagain · 16/12/2023 10:19

YANBU-I most certainly wouldn’t be encouraging my kids to have any kind of relationship with any of them

Absolutely this. I’d stay away from them.

MammaTo · 16/12/2023 11:11

I think I’d be worried about the kids because they’re the innocent parties in it all. I’d probably let them be friends if they really got on, but otherwise I’d try an keep my distance.

I’ve always found the partners/wives know exactly what’s going on and are quite happy to spend the money and act big licks but when shit hits the fan they act the victim - even though they’ve been complicit in it all.

DomPom47 · 16/12/2023 11:23

MrsKwazi · 16/12/2023 10:24

I judge harshly.

This.
Would not have any time for them or their family.
I see it very black and white and wrong.
The impact of drugs on society at large especially young vulnerable children who are groomed into county lines etc is disgusting.
Some people know what family members do and bury their heads in the sand sometimes as they only see the monetary rewards and non of the societal problems.

C152 · 16/12/2023 11:24

I wouldn't judge partners or children. Partners are not always complicit. People seem to think it is so easy to escape dangerous situations - it is not. I do agree that the whole family can be impacted and I would be worried for the partner and children.

Candleabra · 16/12/2023 11:27

Yes I’d judge. Not the children, but the partner most definitely. At best, they are turning a blind eye, and accepting the lifestyle benefits (money). At worst, they’re usually involved too.

Ellmau · 16/12/2023 11:27

I would be NC with the relative and definitely judge the partner.

But it;s not the children's fault, so it would depend really on their individual characters.

WandaWonder · 16/12/2023 11:28

Lots of people on hear admit to taking drugs, I presume they get it from drug dealers but they seem to brush over that bit

Coolblur · 16/12/2023 11:33

CornishPorsche · 16/12/2023 10:23

Yip.

Partners are always complicit IMO. Turning a blind eye doesn't protect them and many of them are heavily implicated in the disposal of the proceeds of crime - I've arrested WAGS before for that. I see partners - and parents - being used for money laundering all the time.

Kids will always be at risk - drug dealers can have the most horrific turf wars, look at some of the gun deaths in London and Liverpool where innocent bystanders have been killed. Partners are also at risk from this kind of thing.

'Partners are always complicit IMO'. In your opinion, not in your experience? You're clearly a Police officer, what happened to innocent until proven guilty?
While I appreciate that may well be the case more often than not, do you ever see 'WAGs' and kids who are trapped by their association with a dealer, and link them to help and support to leave their situation?

In answer to OPs question, I think most of us would judge and as far as possible, not let our kids go to their house, just like with any household you were unsure about.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 16/12/2023 11:33

WandaWonder · 16/12/2023 11:28

Lots of people on hear admit to taking drugs, I presume they get it from drug dealers but they seem to brush over that bit

Yes but not necessarily the people on this thread.