Drug dealers and their families

[hardtono]

NC for this.

I'm trying to work out my own feelings but I admit to feeling very judgemental having worked with people whose lives have been destroyed by drugs.

If one of the middle-aged family members was a drug dealer how would you feel about them and their partner and kids? Would you judge the adults and worry that the kids will follow in the parent's footsteps? Kids are teenagers if that matters. If your teens were friends with their kids would you be concerned?

I can't enable voting because I'm on the app but AIBU to be concerned and worry that if a parent is a drug dealer then the family must be involved in some way but most definitely affected by it?

Even if they were posting in this thread it's not inconsistent to say that whilst you would buy drugs you wouldn't want your children to be best friends with the dealers children is it? And those who to allow that are entitled to their choices also

I definitely don't judge the children and not always the partners. However I severely judge the people who buy from them. Weed is not just a little something to relax with. It's a damaging industry that scars innocent people and whole countries. Cocaine and hard drugs do even more harm. Creates cartels and drug wars. Think about that when you're snorting at a party or having fun at a festival.

There’s a dealer’s house on our street. They’re on the police/social workers radar, but it’s hard seeing the vulnerability in the kids’ little faces at the gate, knowing their life behind doors is very different to your average family.

Thanks for sharing @vidflex @Beezknees

I would judge. I'd love to think I wouldn't but I definitely would.
However with kids it would entirely depend on them as individuals. There are some really sad posts on this thread from people who've been that kid. I absolutely would not want my child in their house. But if they are good kids (so no evidence of them dealing with/ being involved with drugs etc) then I'd have no issue with my DCs being friends with them and allowing them into my home.
My "F" wasn't a drug dealer but he was an unpleasant character. There was (thankfully only) one occasion when a friend's mum told her she should tv spend time with my because of him. It's heartbreaking. I don't want any child to feel like that.

I know several drug dealers (friends of friends). I wouldn't be worried that their kids will follow suit simply because they are dealers, but more the kind of life they lead in terms of things like getting mixed up in violence and grudges. Most of them have been to prison at least once and probably will go again which means the kids are left without one parent for a while. The dealers are obviously very wary of the police and have frequent run-ins – chases, police visiting houses to look for the dealers etc. which will rub off on the kids.

Randomly I have also dated two therapists who told me basically exactly the same story about one of their clients (definitely not the same client as one therapist was from another country) which is that the "family business" was drugs and the client murdered people to please their dads and felt no remorse because it was what was expected of them. When I imagine that scene in my head it's a bit like The Godfather in some kind of mansion, but in reality it was probably more like the homes of the dealers I know which are just "normal" slightly run-down flats and bungalows

Yes I feel the effects of hard drugs are far worse for people at the beginning and middle of the supply chain than the dealer and customer at the end, because the industry funds things like slavery, human trafficking, forced prostitution

Yes, there are many victims. Many many victims. Dealing often goes hand in hand with violence including domestic abuse. It doesn't mean the WAGS aren't living off the proceeds of crime though, and the law doesn't make it easy to exclude them when warrants are executed and arrests made. Whether charges follow is a different story and it's only an investigation that can possibly allow you to help victims and their children.

You can't assume every WAG of a drug dealer is a victim by any stretch any more than you can assume every man is beating his wife behind closer doors.

However plenty of the WAGS are not victims, they are reaping the benefits of the ready cash in the household and living the high life. That makes them complicit. I am no longer a police officer but I work in a different investigative field and still see these relationships daily. It's quite easy to separate out who is being victimised, abused, coerced, controlled and who is enjoying their lifestyle or actually running the show. Plenty of female dealers out there too!

@vidflex @Beezknees and thank you for sharing your experiences.

I wouldn't judge young children of dealers but I'd be concerned about teens living in that household in an area well know for its drugs and crimes. I imagine it would be very hard not to be caught up in what's going on. If the dealer parent dies would the older teen take over the business perhaps? That would be my worry-that there would be pressure to do so.

I wouldn't judge them on that alone. Obviously. If they're nice people who look after their kids then I wouldn't give it a 2nd though. Obviously it depends what kind of drugs you're talking about. I presume weed? If they're smack/crack dealers then that's totally different and I wouldn't go anywhere near their house but thats another ball game.

I would judge them, yes.
I would worry what their DC were exposed to and I wouldn’t want my DC to associate with them incase they started encouraging them to deal too or take drugs. I think with drug dealers it’s not just about the dealing drugs and their lack of morals, it’s about the people they associate with and the likelihood of them also having weapons in their homes.

Well done you. I've seen children from "good" parents go off the rails, and children from "bad" parents come good so there is no hard and fast rule.

There is an old saying "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" which I think is fairly true, in that I have come across parents who take recreational drugs with an attitude of "I don't care it's illegal and people die in the drug trade getting me my drugs", these parents then don't discourage their own kids from following their bad life choices.

Again well done to you on leading a decent hard working life when, with what you have experienced, going the other way would be unsurprising.

No way would I or my children be going to their house. If one of my relatives was dealing, I'd have absolutely nothing to do with them, or their adult partner....I spend my life around people whose lives have been ruined by drugs and who quite often have ruined other people's lives as well. I'm not enabling those people in my own family!

Young kids, as in still at school, I would not judged them but the partner of a drug dealer, absolutely. In my eyes they are just as bad, living off the profits of the drugs trade and the misery it causes, poor scum the pair of them.

Generally the partner is running some kind of sham business in order to launder the money. While living up the flash lifestyle.

It slightly depends on what level of the ‘food chain’ they are at. Low level dealing I’d be extremely concerned about danger and would certainly keep my distance.

Higher level I’d be terrified of frankly.

It’s not just a matter of judging someone but actually using your judgment in order to stay safe and avoid being any part of a world in which human lives are disposable and money is everything

@vidflex Well done for choosing - and managing to follow - your own path. That's not easy. What an achievement. I'm sorry you had such a hard start in life

@Beezknees and to you too, we'll done for choosing and sustaining your own path. Respect to you

@oldestmumaintheworld my work sometimes brings me into contact with people who have issues with drugs. I don't judge them at all. With one exception, they have all been people who have had tough lives and use substances as a coping mechanism, to dull the pain

DNephew was a vulnerable boy, was groomed into county lines, we did all we could to support anf help but it was non stop grifting and scamming. We cut him off and now he is blocked on everything. He battered the mother of his child last week my IL tell me. These people choose their own path.

Your question was about family members and yes I would cut them off and I judge harshly. I work with people on drug programmes and see the full and very crappy effect it had on their lives. These are often people with so much trauma, trying but stuck in a very vicious cycle. Dealers destroy lives. That's part of the reason why people's attitude to 'casual' drug use annoys me, they are all part of the wider problem yet somehow think they are better than 'junkies'. They most definitely aren't.

We had similar in our family. My brother was close to a relative who's parent was dealing at a high level. My mum would have cousin over a lot as a young child to give stability. It didn't work, he got to high school, started truanting and put no effort in because drugs were easy money. He was streetwise my brother wasn't and my dad stopped all contact with that branch of our family and for the greater good. 2 of their kids are dealers, 2 are on a better path and have gone nc with their brothers and parents. There comes a time where you often have to put your family first and I wouldn't send my child to the house of a known dealer (relative or not) nor encourage the friendship. I wouldn't judge the kids but in the case of turf wars they can be in danger and I wouldn't want my kid to be collateral damage.

I’d judge the parents and feel incredibly sorry for the children.

But if I’m 100% honest, I wouldn’t want my children around their children.

It’s absolutely awful that there are young people in that situation, but my primary responsibility is to my own children and I’d want to keep them away from any family involved in crime. Especially drug dealing which:

a) goes hand in hand with violence, and
b) regularly grooms teens to deal and/or move drugs

I wouldnt judge the children but I also would not encourage a friendship. I wouldn’t want my children to have any connection to a known drug dealer, be around a drug dealer’s house, or be friendly with a drug dealer (or asked to carry a package…)

I think drug dealers are callous and cold hearted people.

I have no idea how you could be complicit in selling drugs to people knowing it’s destroying and killing them.

I don't know you could take money from someone knowing that they’ll go back to living rough with a possibility of danger.

They sell to people and wreck lives but they don’t care. I could never be with someone who could treat another human that way and have such little regard for human life.

I disagree. I know plenty of terribly middle class, NT, not abused, not neglected, no trauma etc who just like to get stoned. Just as I know plenty of piss heads who do the same because they like it.

The people who seek help are usually struggling with more than one thing. The stoners/alcoholics who just like it see nothing wrong with what they do.