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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas work do

52 replies

elm26 · 16/12/2023 08:34

I don't know whether I'm hormonal or being sensitive or what but I'm currently on maternity leave with my 7 month old.

I've worked in an office with about 30 people for the past 5 years and get along with them all so well, we do things outside of work too.

In the work group chat, people have been talking about the Christmas work party (posh hotel, black tie, all expenses paid for etc) and I wasn't invited by management.

This morning I've seen all of the photos, including on colleagues social media accounts and just feel really tearful that management didn't invite me.

2 of the women I work with came to the Christmas do's when they were on maternity leave.

My manager isn't the easiest person to get on with, we have all clashed with her at different points at one time or another and I was signed off from about 5 months with hyperemesis, I was really really sick throughout my whole pregnancy.

AIBU to feel sad? I feel like emailing my manager to ask why I wasn't invited? She made it clear she was annoyed that I was signed off and hasn't contacted me since other than to return my matb1 form.

Things like this just make me not want to go back.

OP posts:
geckofrog · 16/12/2023 08:36

Did you contact them in september/October to ask to be told about any Christmas party?

Original poster
elm26 · 16/12/2023 08:37

No but I did contact them a couple of months ago about using my KIT days.

OP posts:
geckofrog · 16/12/2023 08:41

elm26 · 16/12/2023 08:37

No but I did contact them a couple of months ago about using my KIT days.

Have you used your kit days?

A lot of people just want to be left alone for their mat leave

NalafromtheLionKing · 16/12/2023 08:43

Maybe they forgot if you haven’t been there for nearly a year? That’s a very long time.

Funkyslippers · 16/12/2023 08:45

You definitely should have been invited. At my work you would have cause to put in a complaint with HR for being excluded. I'm not saying you would but it does sound like you were deliberately excluded by your manager. I would definitely ask her

latelydaydreams · 16/12/2023 08:45

I’d say that’s a case of direct discrimination/bullying potentially, and your manager should have invited you.

ChiIIieP · 16/12/2023 08:46

You should have been invited.

missfliss · 16/12/2023 08:48

So you are on maternity leave?
I wouldn't have expected to be invited if so, but if returned then I would have expected an invite.

strawberry2017 · 16/12/2023 09:04

Is it a work paid for event attendance expected or is it a self paid attendance optional event?
If it's work paid for- 100% would have been invited.
If it's self paid it might not have been management who arranged it so not up to them to do invites.

strawberry2017 · 16/12/2023 09:04

strawberry2017 · 16/12/2023 09:04

Is it a work paid for event attendance expected or is it a self paid attendance optional event?
If it's work paid for- 100% would have been invited.
If it's self paid it might not have been management who arranged it so not up to them to do invites.

Sorry just realised it was all expenses paid - ignore my post 😂

Original poster
elm26 · 16/12/2023 09:06

NalafromtheLionKing · 16/12/2023 08:43

Maybe they forgot if you haven’t been there for nearly a year? That’s a very long time.

If you're a good manager you don't forget about an employee of 5 years because they were signed off sick with a pregnancy related illness that is quite serious.

OP posts:
Original poster
elm26 · 16/12/2023 09:08

missfliss · 16/12/2023 08:48

So you are on maternity leave?
I wouldn't have expected to be invited if so, but if returned then I would have expected an invite.

I'm still an employee, I just left to have a baby like billions of other women do before returning months later.

OP posts:
Original poster
elm26 · 16/12/2023 09:09

@Funkyslippers @latelydaydreams I don't even have the energy. It's seriously made me reconsider going back. The work group chat is ran by the managers and they know I'm on it.

OP posts:
PanicAtTheLibrary · 16/12/2023 09:14

elm26 · 16/12/2023 09:09

@Funkyslippers @latelydaydreams I don't even have the energy. It's seriously made me reconsider going back. The work group chat is ran by the managers and they know I'm on it.

So why, when you saw the chat about the party, didn't you chime in with a 'Sounds great! Can someone send me the details, looking forward to seeing you all there!'

I completely agree the manager should have proactively invited you. But you seem to have ignored an opportunity to remind them.

Before you went on mat leave, didn't you have a discussion about what type of company info or team info you would want to be kept informed of? We have to do that at our work and both the manager and mum-to-be sign the form to have a record of how and when she wants to be contacted.

geckofrog · 16/12/2023 09:18

elm26 · 16/12/2023 09:09

@Funkyslippers @latelydaydreams I don't even have the energy. It's seriously made me reconsider going back. The work group chat is ran by the managers and they know I'm on it.

Had they mentioned this christmas party on the chat at any point prior to the party?

I totally get your point but you also could have made it clear you wanted to come

OdeToBarney · 16/12/2023 09:39

Ask your manager directly why you weren't invited. And allude to the lea favourable treatment you have experienced since being pregnant/on maternity leave. If you need to bring a discrimination claim later on, this will stand you in good stead. You should not be excluded by virtue of being on mat leave.

Aprilx · 16/12/2023 09:48

I am going to go against the grain. I have never been on maternity leave, but I have been going to work Christmas parties for about 30 years and I don’t recall anyone on maternity leave attending one of them. I have also been a manager for a significant amount of that time and I have never been a Christmas party organiser, so I am not sure why you are so convinced your manager is to blame anyway. Personally I would let it go, if the relationship is a bit strained at the moment anyway, this seems like an unnecessary added point of stress.

KingofCats · 16/12/2023 09:52

You should have been invited but also if you knew about it beforehand you should have reminded them as it could have been a genuine oversight.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 16/12/2023 09:59

I work in a school and have never known women on Maternity leave to come to the works do, apart from one woman who was returning in January and had been in for a couple of KIT days.
However, my husband who works in business and does a lot of HR related things says this would be discrimination and you absolutely should have been invited. Two women on Maternity leave went to his Christmas do last week.

Startingagainandagain · 16/12/2023 09:59

Of course you should have been invited.

It is the manager's role to do that and you should not have to remind them of your existence...

The fact that an employee is on maternity leave does not mean they can't be offered the courtesy of being invited to a main staff event like the Christmas party.

Aprilx · 16/12/2023 10:03

Startingagainandagain · 16/12/2023 09:59

Of course you should have been invited.

It is the manager's role to do that and you should not have to remind them of your existence...

The fact that an employee is on maternity leave does not mean they can't be offered the courtesy of being invited to a main staff event like the Christmas party.

It’s the managers role to do that

Is it? 😳. I have never known a manager to be the Christmas party organiser. This is surely an administrative task.

Lochness1975 · 16/12/2023 10:03

When it was first mentioned on the group chat did you ask for details so you could make arrangements? Or just sit there stewing hoping to be invited?

missfliss · 16/12/2023 10:18

Wow.

Snippy response to me just because I shared my own view of what I would / wouldn't necessarily expect on maternity leave.

Clearly no response other than absolute agreement is ok.

And like 'billions of other women' I too have been on maternity leave from a full time job where I worked for 10 years and had many friends , and received no invite to the Christmas do. I also didn't mind, I just accepted that it wasn't an intentional oversight or anything to get upset about.

Thanks for putting me in my place so abruptly

Startingagainandagain · 16/12/2023 10:21

@Aprilx · Today 10:03

'Is it? 😳. I have never known a manager to be the Christmas party organiser. This is surely an administrative task.''

Sigh...

It is the manager's role to communicate with members of their team and to remember that one of them is on maternity leave and therefore will not get all staff emails/comms that are sent around the organisation about the Christmas Party.

The manager should have either pointed out to whoever was organising the event that they OP should also be contacted or pass on the party to the OP themselves.

It really is not that complicated.

15PiecesOfFlair · 16/12/2023 10:23

Everywhere I've worked (public sector so may be different) people on mat leave have always been invited to the Xmas do. I can't think of any reason why they wouldn't be - they can always decline if they can't make it.
Sorry op that is crap for you.

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