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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas work do

52 replies

elm26 · 16/12/2023 08:34

I don't know whether I'm hormonal or being sensitive or what but I'm currently on maternity leave with my 7 month old.

I've worked in an office with about 30 people for the past 5 years and get along with them all so well, we do things outside of work too.

In the work group chat, people have been talking about the Christmas work party (posh hotel, black tie, all expenses paid for etc) and I wasn't invited by management.

This morning I've seen all of the photos, including on colleagues social media accounts and just feel really tearful that management didn't invite me.

2 of the women I work with came to the Christmas do's when they were on maternity leave.

My manager isn't the easiest person to get on with, we have all clashed with her at different points at one time or another and I was signed off from about 5 months with hyperemesis, I was really really sick throughout my whole pregnancy.

AIBU to feel sad? I feel like emailing my manager to ask why I wasn't invited? She made it clear she was annoyed that I was signed off and hasn't contacted me since other than to return my matb1 form.

Things like this just make me not want to go back.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 16/12/2023 10:24

Startingagainandagain · 16/12/2023 10:21

@Aprilx · Today 10:03

'Is it? 😳. I have never known a manager to be the Christmas party organiser. This is surely an administrative task.''

Sigh...

It is the manager's role to communicate with members of their team and to remember that one of them is on maternity leave and therefore will not get all staff emails/comms that are sent around the organisation about the Christmas Party.

The manager should have either pointed out to whoever was organising the event that they OP should also be contacted or pass on the party to the OP themselves.

It really is not that complicated.

I didn’t say it was complicated. You seem convinced that managers always organise Christmas parties, I am advising you that this is not the case. I have never organised a Christmas party as a manager and I have never known any of my managers to do so either. Never organised or communicated.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/12/2023 10:25

Read this OP

https://www.winstonsolicitors.co.uk/blog/invite-all-staff-christmas-party

I thought staff had to be treated the same on mat leave and if they weren't, it's discrimination. In my opinion (and what i understood the law to be) you should have been invited. Mat leave is not the same as holiday or sick leave, and they are supposed to keep in touch eg if there is a promotion that you might want to apply for.

I went to my work Xmas party when I was on mat leave.

I think the responses on here show that even if its the right thing to do, lots of people don't agree or aren't aware. Snd even if your company want to do the right thing, it's easy to see how things fall through the cracks (eg party organised by email that you don't check or by someone new who doesn't know you). Your manager shave thought about it and invited you.

But you knew your manager was shit anyway. What kind of person gets annoyed at someone for being sick when they're pregnant (I can understand being stressed at the situation but it's not OK to take that annoyance out on you). So I'd chalk this up to 'my manager is a bit of a twat' rather than 'this is a personal slight from the whole company and I need to leave'

Invite all staff to the Christmas party

In a recent employment tribunal decision, a mother who was not invited to a work Christmas party because she was on maternity leave is in line for an award of damages for injury to feelings.

https://www.winstonsolicitors.co.uk/blog/invite-all-staff-christmas-party

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/12/2023 10:28

Agree that managers do not organise Xmas parties. But if one of their team is off on mat leave, its their role to make sure the person organising it, includes anyone who works for them on mat leave, or pass the details on to them themselves

15PiecesOfFlair · 16/12/2023 10:29

You seem convinced that managers always organise Christmas parties

Can you quote the text that led you to think that?
To me it's clear that @Startingagainandagain meant that the manager should be engaged with communications between the org and the employee. Whether that relates to events, progression, work opportunities etc.

I'm interested as to how I read things differently from others.

Justfinking · 16/12/2023 10:35

Surely they assumed you'd be busy with your baby and you are on leave. I really think you're overthinking it all

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 16/12/2023 10:37

You should have been invited, OP. It doesn't matter who organises the Christmas party, your manager should have ensured that you were included.

Sartre · 16/12/2023 10:37

I’d have to passively aggressively chime in thanking them for the invite, there’s no way I could resist. Very rude of them not to invite you, especially when others on mat leave have been in the past.

Original poster
elm26 · 16/12/2023 10:37

missfliss · 16/12/2023 10:18

Wow.

Snippy response to me just because I shared my own view of what I would / wouldn't necessarily expect on maternity leave.

Clearly no response other than absolute agreement is ok.

And like 'billions of other women' I too have been on maternity leave from a full time job where I worked for 10 years and had many friends , and received no invite to the Christmas do. I also didn't mind, I just accepted that it wasn't an intentional oversight or anything to get upset about.

Thanks for putting me in my place so abruptly

I wasn't being snippy at you, sorry that it came across that way, I don't think some things come across the way they are supposed to in text.

OP posts:
Original poster
elm26 · 16/12/2023 10:39

Justfinking · 16/12/2023 10:35

Surely they assumed you'd be busy with your baby and you are on leave. I really think you're overthinking it all

They know I have a husband, and given the opportunity to attend I would have loved an excuse to get dressed up, have a night off and a chance to chat and laugh with colleagues.

OP posts:
Original poster
elm26 · 16/12/2023 10:40

Our manager arranges the Christmas do every single year since I've been there. She is a control freak of the highest order so couldn't possibly let anyone else plan it 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
elm26 · 16/12/2023 10:41

Thanks everyone for your replies, of all views.

I guess I just feel a bit tearful, motherhood is lonely as it is without being excluded when others have attended Christmas parties whilst on maternity leave.

OP posts:
missfliss · 16/12/2023 10:47

Sorry OP.

I took it as snippy.

I think you need a hug.

Someone down thread pointed out that your manager is the problem really ( historically not just now). Try and separate a twatty thoughtless manager from the rest of the company.

So I know and get you are upset and I think it's understandable but maybe don't feel like it's a whole company of awful people - just one mixed with some thoughtlessness.

And I'm very sorry you are unwell - is it mar leave or sick leave? Either way I'm sorry xxx

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 16/12/2023 10:50

If others on maternity leave were invited and you deliberately were not, yes that is discrimination. However I can tell you now that if you raise it, your manager will say she forgot as she was so busy with X, Y and Z, you've been out of the business for X months so you were not immediately in her thoughts and then drop into the conversation that you were on the WhatsApp group and why didn't' you say anything, you would have been more than welcome to attend.

It is shit though Flowers

Homesweethome23 · 16/12/2023 10:56

How was the party organised? Did a whatsapp message/email go out stating who is available on such and such date? Was you included in that?

Original poster
elm26 · 16/12/2023 11:05

missfliss · 16/12/2023 10:47

Sorry OP.

I took it as snippy.

I think you need a hug.

Someone down thread pointed out that your manager is the problem really ( historically not just now). Try and separate a twatty thoughtless manager from the rest of the company.

So I know and get you are upset and I think it's understandable but maybe don't feel like it's a whole company of awful people - just one mixed with some thoughtlessness.

And I'm very sorry you are unwell - is it mar leave or sick leave? Either way I'm sorry xxx

Thank you x

I had a 13 miscarriages and then fell pregnant with DD and was so sick throughout the whole pregnancy, lost 3 stone, was hospitalised multiple times for hydration drips and lived on green apples. I was too ill to work, I could barely get out of bed most days. It was a lot after already going through so much, both mentally and physically but I do plan on returning to work once mat leave is over.

OP posts:
Original poster
elm26 · 16/12/2023 11:06

Homesweethome23 · 16/12/2023 10:56

How was the party organised? Did a whatsapp message/email go out stating who is available on such and such date? Was you included in that?

It was to work emails apparently but they block access to your work email if you're on maternity or sick leave.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 16/12/2023 11:14

Justfinking · 16/12/2023 10:35

Surely they assumed you'd be busy with your baby and you are on leave. I really think you're overthinking it all

Are you not allowed a night out without a baby if you're on maternity leave?!

I'd probably comment on the photos and say what a great time they seemed to have and make a sarky remark about how you'd have loved a night out!

KitchenDancefloor · 16/12/2023 11:19

Justfinking · 16/12/2023 10:35

Surely they assumed you'd be busy with your baby and you are on leave. I really think you're overthinking it all

But that kind of assumption IS discriminatory. It's making assumptions based on a protected characteristic. It's exactly the same as not inviting Muslim colleagues to a Christmas party because it might 'offend them'.
All employees should be given the same opportunities. It's up to them if they participate or not.

missfliss · 16/12/2023 11:29

You've been through a lot - I'm not surprised you are feeling low on resilience for this kind of situation and a poor manager really not helpful.

You've come through so much and are clearly very resilient to have persevered so much for this baby.

Don't let small people get you down xxx

Crazycrazylady · 16/12/2023 11:40

Honestly in a busy office it's easy to see how t people on mat leave or long term leave get forgotten about.
When it was mentioned on the chat you had loads of opportunity to chime in or message your manager privately. You didn't however , you just waited to be omitted so you could bitch about it after

I'm surprised some of your colleagues that you were particularly friendly with didn't prompt you either.

All that will happen if you send your manager a passive aggressive text ia an eye roll on their part and a oops sorry about that email.
Why sour things further before you head back?

ktktkts · 16/12/2023 11:44

My line manager would get in touch via text if there were team events on/anything I'd missed on emails to see if I wanted a KIT day on those days, sorry you didn't hear from them and you were so poorly in your pregnancy. I hope you have a lovely first Christmas with your baby x

10HailMarys · 16/12/2023 11:56

We always invite people who are on mat leave. They’re still part of the team.

Coolblur · 16/12/2023 12:11

We have someone off just now who will be at our Christmas do this evening. No excuse for not inviting a member of staff.

It can be easy to forget someone if they're not there, or maybe send the invitation by email forgetting the person whose off won't be reading their emails, but it just takes a bit of thought to send them a message.

At best you've been overlooked, at worst deliberately excluded. Neither is good for the company should you wish to complain, and it's tarnished your image of them as an employer regardless. They should care about that.

Blackpool34 · 16/12/2023 21:50

I'm with you on this, I'm currently on maternity leave, we had a new manager start when I was about to leave but the assistant manager has been there for years and knows me well as do the rest of the team. Everyone has gone out tonight and i wasn't invited but this isn't the 1st time I've been ignored. I sent a picture of my little girl in when she was born and had no reply, I even did some work when i was admitted back in hospital again because I was that bored and wasn't acknowledged and now no invite to works Xmas party and the fact that one lady who is also on maternity but due to go back in January has been invited I don't think is very fair. They might think I don't want to go but they could at least ask.

Brird · 17/12/2023 11:45

Why not just ask where your invite was when you saw the date coming near and hadn't had an invite?

I've been the xmas / summer party organiser a few times, it is a pain as it is extra to your normal workload. For one event I got in trouble for not sending an invite to someone's personal email, as she was on maternity leave. I had lost track of what she had decided she did / didn't want to be personally notified about (she had access to work emails still). This year in my effort to include everyone I was in trouble for contacting someone on maternity leave on their personal email re the xmas party, as I was 'disturbing' her.