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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break up with partner who merely exists?

66 replies

shamelesslyyours · 16/12/2023 05:25

He has no ambition, spontaneity or initiative. No hobbies or interests other than WW2 docs. Doesn't go for a walk or join me in any activity, light or otherwise. Always sick or thinking he is.
Has never booked a restaurant, hotel or holiday for us. Money is not an issue.
Our time together consists of me cooking or having a take away, sleeping, sex and watching Netflix.
That's it. He is lazy.
He's early fifties.
I'm afraid that in the future I will be his nurse and I have so many plans for retirement and am generally a sociable and energetic person.
It's wearing thin now.
Together three years, not living together.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 16/12/2023 05:28

Sorry to ask the obvious question...... but how and why is he your 'partner'?

Original poster
shamelesslyyours · 16/12/2023 05:32

I'm not sure I understand the question but to reiterate, we are together for thee years, see eachother every weekend and spend our annual leave etc together. Our work and family dynamics do not lend themselves to living together and frankly, while my children still live with me, I won't be having anyone else living with us.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 16/12/2023 05:34

But you are clearly not compatible! So why are you with him?

Noicant · 16/12/2023 05:35

Yeah he’s not for you, you can dump anyone for any reason you don’t need to justify it.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 16/12/2023 05:35

Fuck the boring bastard off. You obviously want and need more. Can't believe you are even questioning this.

Random30 · 16/12/2023 05:37

I am going to say Yes, like this weekend. He sounds like he makes your life worse.

GaryLurcher19 · 16/12/2023 05:42

This is a difficult one for me, OP, because your DP sounds a bit like me!

It isn't that I lack ambition, it's that my health has made me tone ambition down.

Are you sure that he isn't genuinely unwell? My life went from research scientist with a busy social life to struggling to plan a meal as a result of a brain injury. Some neuro conditions are less obvious than injury but similarly limiting.

Have you told him how you feel? He might, if he knows how dissatisfied you are, pull a rabbit out of the hat. Some people become complacent if they feel their own needs are met.

In any case, you should do what's best for your future. If you're unhappy in the relationship you should consider leaving.

Best of luck.

littleblackcat27 · 16/12/2023 05:43

shamelesslyyours · 16/12/2023 05:25

He has no ambition, spontaneity or initiative. No hobbies or interests other than WW2 docs. Doesn't go for a walk or join me in any activity, light or otherwise. Always sick or thinking he is.
Has never booked a restaurant, hotel or holiday for us. Money is not an issue.
Our time together consists of me cooking or having a take away, sleeping, sex and watching Netflix.
That's it. He is lazy.
He's early fifties.
I'm afraid that in the future I will be his nurse and I have so many plans for retirement and am generally a sociable and energetic person.
It's wearing thin now.
Together three years, not living together.

Well - as you obviously don't even like him why are you with him every weekend?

And why have you been with him for 3 years?

Seems a bit crazy that you even got off the starting blocks with him unless he was very different person 3 years ago.

Ragwort · 16/12/2023 05:44

What on earth does he add to you life ... just stop seeing him, he probably won't even miss you unless he wants a meal or sex. In fact don't even get in touch ... see if he contacts you ... and then ditch him.

Don't waste your time with this loser.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 16/12/2023 05:46

He must be amazing in bed?!? As I can’t see what else could possibly keep you staying with him as someone else said your lives aren’t compatible in any way so why are you still with your partner?

Original poster
shamelesslyyours · 16/12/2023 05:52

I've told told him that I need more from a relationship and that I've no intention of just existing. He was eager and enthusiastic about change ... he just never did anything to follow through on his words.
Made many promises after we had a serious chat about how I felt that we were just going through the motions, but nothing changed.
He is not unwell. He does like to take the odd week or two off work when feeling poorly, but his poorly is tired and depleted , not sick. Stays in bed, watches tv.
His responsibilities are solely to himself.

OP posts:
GaryLurcher19 · 16/12/2023 05:53

Genuine non-loaded questions here, OP:

What made you get together originally?

Has he changed or have you?

Original poster
shamelesslyyours · 16/12/2023 05:54

I don't think he was a different person but he pretended to be, if that makes sense.
Gradually, he admitted that he hated exercise, hated socialising, hated moving out of his comfort zone for anything.
He then promised all the changes when we had that chat but nothing has changed.

OP posts:
2021x · 16/12/2023 05:55

You are unhappy in the relationship. Nothing has to be wrong with him for the relationship you have not to work. The good news is that no commitments have been given, so time to move on.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 16/12/2023 05:57

So ditch him!! What are you waiting for? Permission?

Original poster
shamelesslyyours · 16/12/2023 05:57

Initial@y, it was attraction. We both enjoyed watching sports but t while I like to attend sporting events, it transpired after many excuses that he didn't .
He walked with me, ate out, socialised with me but deep down I knew he was doing this reluctantly and possibly to hold onto the relationship.
He became complacent and at this juncture, sits around at weekends doing nothing. I' bored

OP posts:
GaryLurcher19 · 16/12/2023 06:04

It does sound like incompatibility, OP. It also sounds like he sought to mislead you in some ways from the beginning.

You've told him what's on your mind and he hasn't shifted.

Nobody could fault you for breaking it off.

TravelInHope · 16/12/2023 06:20

Sorry, can’t think of any solution to this conundrum. I’m completely stumped, there doesn’t seem any way out 😟.
Oh, wait a minute…

Billybagpuss · 16/12/2023 06:30

By pretending to be someone else he’s not the man you thought you were getting. Ending it soon rather than later will be better all round as can you imagine what he will be like in 10 years and will he have dragged you down with him.

Devilsmommy · 16/12/2023 06:36

Does he suffer depression at all?

LylaLee · 16/12/2023 06:39

Devilsmommy · 16/12/2023 06:36

Does he suffer depression at all?

Even if he does, it's not OP's job to fix him.

Devilsmommy · 16/12/2023 06:41

I know that but she doesn't sound like she wants to leave him anyway

Fraaahnces · 16/12/2023 06:47

Sounds like you fell into a relationship with someone skilled at false advertising. He sounds as exciting as a dead pot plant. Can you imagine the conversations you’d have with him when he’s old and alone? He wants a nurse, not a partner.

NotAllWhoWanderAreLost · 16/12/2023 06:51

I have a male friend who is like this, and it’s hard enough dealing with it in a friendship, yet alone a partner!

it’s funny because as much as I value our friendship, I often think to myself, thank goodness my DH isn’t like that.

each to their own, there will be someone out there for this guy, just as there will be for my friend, I hope, but I don’t think that person is you OP.

BurntOutGirl · 16/12/2023 07:46

So basically...you have been having relationship with a man who doesn't actually exist.... as he was faking enjoyment at the things that attracted you to him and what you thought you'd bond over.

There is no way to change that. He can promise all he likes but as you've already realised nothing changes.

So you have a choice.... breakup.

Or continue as you are