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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break up with partner who merely exists?

66 replies

shamelesslyyours · 16/12/2023 05:25

He has no ambition, spontaneity or initiative. No hobbies or interests other than WW2 docs. Doesn't go for a walk or join me in any activity, light or otherwise. Always sick or thinking he is.
Has never booked a restaurant, hotel or holiday for us. Money is not an issue.
Our time together consists of me cooking or having a take away, sleeping, sex and watching Netflix.
That's it. He is lazy.
He's early fifties.
I'm afraid that in the future I will be his nurse and I have so many plans for retirement and am generally a sociable and energetic person.
It's wearing thin now.
Together three years, not living together.

OP posts:
JMSA · 16/12/2023 09:21

He's an introvert, you're an extrovert.
It's a case of incompatibility. So just end it.

Sugarsun · 16/12/2023 09:50

He must be amazing in bed!

As others have said, you’re just not compatible.

Do you have to be in a relationship?
Why not just be single and join some clubs instead?

This will never get better.
Its only been 3 years and you don’t even live together, it should still be very fun and spontaneous.

Don’t wast your life on someone you’re not compatible with.
You’ve already wasted 3 years.

EmmaEmerald · 16/12/2023 09:56

OP "but his poorly is tired and depleted , not sick."

Sounds like me!

I'm surprised it's lasted this long. I'm low energy, a high energy partner would annoy me. Unless it's always you cooking etc, I'd like that.

You're not compatible. End it. I'm puzzled that you sound so reluctant.

Original poster
shamelesslyyours · 16/12/2023 20:33

He tries to keep
Up the pretence. I think he believes himself that he would do anything to hold onto the relationship. I have a home, stability and a pension. He doesn't .
I've made my decision to
End this . Do I tell him or Leave things as they are ?

OP posts:
PrinnyPree · 16/12/2023 21:04

shamelesslyyours · 16/12/2023 20:33

He tries to keep
Up the pretence. I think he believes himself that he would do anything to hold onto the relationship. I have a home, stability and a pension. He doesn't .
I've made my decision to
End this . Do I tell him or Leave things as they are ?

When you've decided to leave someone it is usually a good idea to tell them.

EmmaEmerald · 16/12/2023 21:15

shamelesslyyours · 16/12/2023 20:33

He tries to keep
Up the pretence. I think he believes himself that he would do anything to hold onto the relationship. I have a home, stability and a pension. He doesn't .
I've made my decision to
End this . Do I tell him or Leave things as they are ?

Are you suggesting ghosting him?

SwordToFlamethrower · 16/12/2023 21:26

Should be quite easy to bin him off, op.

"Hi. We don't want the same things and I don't see a future together, I wish you well, all the best. Goodbye!"

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 16/12/2023 23:36

shamelesslyyours · 16/12/2023 20:33

He tries to keep
Up the pretence. I think he believes himself that he would do anything to hold onto the relationship. I have a home, stability and a pension. He doesn't .
I've made my decision to
End this . Do I tell him or Leave things as they are ?

I'd be tempted to put as much effort into telling him as he is in doing things with you.

Just plan things for yourself, and when/if he asks you what is going on, you can tell him then.

LaurieStrode · 17/12/2023 00:19

He sounds boring.
Bin and move on.

burntoutnurse · 17/12/2023 00:37

This would drive me mad! My ex husband was like this. So I went about my life socialising with friends instead. Which also caused issues

Along with other reasons we have been divorced 9 years!

My new DP is very similar to me, we've actually not done anything this weekend because we are both poorly but we have been on the PlayStation together, cooked together, etc.

You need to find someone you're more comparable with

JFDIYOLO · 17/12/2023 01:06

This isn't a relationship, op. You provide him with a series of convenient services. Basically you're the human equivalent of a handy pierce and ping microwave meal.

Is there an age difference?

You're looking at decades more of this as he sinks more and more into a grey marsh of dullness as he ages and drags you with him.

Tell him kindly and politely that although you've had some good times with him, you no longer enjoy the time you spend together and don't see a future of more of the same being what you want.

And do it fast - limping through Christmas won't work. Focus on you and your children having a fun spontaneous energetic cheerful time.

Catsmere · 17/12/2023 01:27

So he manages to be interested in sex but nothing much else ... even though you don't live together full time, sounds like you have a cocklodger, and one who'll be lining you up to be his carer in the not-too-distant. Get rid of him, he's a bloody waste of space.

thelastrose · 17/12/2023 01:31

shamelesslyyours · 16/12/2023 20:33

He tries to keep
Up the pretence. I think he believes himself that he would do anything to hold onto the relationship. I have a home, stability and a pension. He doesn't .
I've made my decision to
End this . Do I tell him or Leave things as they are ?

How is he supposed to know it's over if you don't say so?

This is all very odd.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 17/12/2023 01:45

Hi Nigel, I've been realising recently that we're not compatible for each other. Therefore, I'm drawing our relationship to a close. I wish you well and all the best for your future, ShamelesslyNOTyours.

junebirthdaygirl · 17/12/2023 06:29

The fascination with WW2 documentaries makes me wonder does he have Autism? Often people with autism have a pet subjection which is their thing. And he may find whatever socialising he has to do at work is all he can manage. This doesn't mean you need to stay 8with him but may explain his way of living rather than all the BORING comments here.

autienotnaughty · 17/12/2023 06:46

I'd ring him and tell him. I wouldn't blame him or yourself. Just explain you feel it's not working and that you want different things. Then wish him well. If he tries to say he will change tell him that's up to him but it won't affect your decision

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