Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break up with partner who merely exists?

66 replies

shamelesslyyours · 16/12/2023 05:25

He has no ambition, spontaneity or initiative. No hobbies or interests other than WW2 docs. Doesn't go for a walk or join me in any activity, light or otherwise. Always sick or thinking he is.
Has never booked a restaurant, hotel or holiday for us. Money is not an issue.
Our time together consists of me cooking or having a take away, sleeping, sex and watching Netflix.
That's it. He is lazy.
He's early fifties.
I'm afraid that in the future I will be his nurse and I have so many plans for retirement and am generally a sociable and energetic person.
It's wearing thin now.
Together three years, not living together.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 16/12/2023 07:50

Get rid. You don't live together, it's straightforward. He brings nothing to your life.

Zanatdy · 16/12/2023 07:54

Doesn’t sound much like a fulfilling relationship. In a partner I’d want someone to go on walks with followed by a nice meal next to a roaring fire. Sure there’s always a place for chilled days at home, but it sounds like you’re incompatible

MilkChocolateCookie · 16/12/2023 07:55

You've tried having the chat and it hasn't made any difference. He's not going to change OP. Ditch him and it sounds like your life will improve immediately!

TheSuggestedAmendment · 16/12/2023 07:59

OP, you will feel so sad when you leave, but then you will feel free.

Harsh truth is you are not particularly important to this man. He very much wants you in his life but only as part of the wallpaper.

Just leave.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 16/12/2023 08:03

Yeah, time to end it. You could potentially have 30 to 40 years of this. I predict he will become a querulous, reclusive old man.

cerisepanther73 · 16/12/2023 08:06

@shamelesslyyours
You are similar to me

You are a dynamic person with zest and curiously of life,

He's old before his time

He comes across as a boring fart,

this relationship would never work out,

You are totally incompatible

He is just wants you to be the equivalent of like Ann Summer's dildo toy to satisfy his basic needs whenever he needs it....

he is just wants a mother figure companship.

why waste any more precious time of this loser of a guy

I have Rumertoid athritis and Oestro athritis and even someone like myself is much more dynamic than this one,
😂

cerisepanther73 · 16/12/2023 08:07

Oops typo mistake i ment to say, why waste anymore time with this loser of a guy.

margotrose · 16/12/2023 08:09

You're just not compatible.

There's nothing wrong with his lifestyle but there's also nothing wrong with you for wanting something different.

You won't change him (and shouldn't be trying the either) so leave and find someone who is better suited to you.

Pipsquiggle · 16/12/2023 08:13

Agree with others. You don't sound compatible.

I do know other couples where they socialise separately and it works for them but it sounds like you only see each other at the weekends

Wishimaywishimight · 16/12/2023 08:13

You don't even live with him so the practicalities of ending the relationship are simple.

Just do it, you sound so bored, what are you hanging on for?

Westfacing · 16/12/2023 08:23

The fact you don't live together is a big bonus and makes ending this relationship so much easier.

You've only known him three years so it's not like you've brought up a family together and sort of just let things slide into this boring existence. So many older women are stuck with miserable old buggers and end up as their carer in old age.

GaryLurcher19 · 16/12/2023 08:25

I have a couple of other questions, OP. I think it'd be helpful for you to consider the following:

Do you feel you need to be in a relationship?

Do you need anyone else to be involved for you to realise your ambitions?

I ask this because it sounds like you have plans and you're disappointed that this man isn't getting involved. But I don't see why you need him to. You can do anything you like, with or without him.

He's a distraction. Just go for it and do the things you enjoy.

😀

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/12/2023 08:27

I have chronic fatigue and have more zest for life than him. Don’t settle.

Quitelikeit · 16/12/2023 08:28

There’s no point expecting this man to change as it’s virtually impossible to give yourself a personality transplant in case you didn’t realise!

Let him be and find someone who you are more compatible with next time

Dotcheck · 16/12/2023 08:31

Absolutely break up with him - but not 10 days before Christmas

Sususudio · 16/12/2023 08:33

I would. He sounds phenomenally boring. The sex must be very good! Though I would find it hard to have sex with someone this boring.

Barmecide · 16/12/2023 08:39

shamelesslyyours · 16/12/2023 05:54

I don't think he was a different person but he pretended to be, if that makes sense.
Gradually, he admitted that he hated exercise, hated socialising, hated moving out of his comfort zone for anything.
He then promised all the changes when we had that chat but nothing has changed.

If it weren’t for the fact that you don’t live together, I’d think you were describing a friend of mine — a lovely man, clever, kind and funny, but the most passive and disinclined for anything new person I’ve ever met. His comfort zone is scrolling through the internet on his iPad while watching Dave. I keep seeing a pattern in his relationships, where the excitement of someone new makes him up for making an effort to get off the sofa, then, as it settles in, he goes back to his (tiny) comfort zone, doing nothing, and the prospect of the smallest deviation from this (a necessary purchase, a new work responsibility, a holiday) makes him very stressed. His wife and all his girlfriends eventually get sick of it.

SpringIntoChaos · 16/12/2023 08:41

Dotcheck · 16/12/2023 08:31

Absolutely break up with him - but not 10 days before Christmas

So the OP should have a miserable Christmas? Why?

Just get rid of him OP...today!! Then go out and have the BEST festive fun-filled Christmas 🤶

PermanentTemporary · 16/12/2023 08:46

No hard feelings necessary here... you had a nice 3 years together, seems like you want different things, break up now and go out and enjoy yourself. What will you do for New Year's Day? Any sport events on?

pickledandpuzzled · 16/12/2023 08:46

You’ve asked AIBU, and I can’t for the life of me find an unreasonable way of looking at it.

You’d be totally reasonable to break up with someone who’s lifestyle is t compatible with yours.

This relationship is going nowhere- you’re filling time because you don’t want to invest in a more intense relationship right now. When you are ready for that stage, it won’t be with him.

I could argue you’re being unfair stringing him along when he could be dating a homebody like himself who’s in it for the long haul.

Unless you’re both just in it for occasional sex.

Angelsrose · 16/12/2023 08:48

Sounds like an easy goodbye. A relationship should never be one person constantly cajoling the other into action. Don't get stuck with this person. There are many lively men out there if you decide that's what you want!

margotrose · 16/12/2023 08:54

Dotcheck · 16/12/2023 08:31

Absolutely break up with him - but not 10 days before Christmas

Why on earth not?

Nicole1111 · 16/12/2023 09:03

At his age and given that you’ve already communicated what you want from a relationship I think he’s highly unlikely to change. So the question becomes if you’re happy with this being your life for the rest of your days. If not you know what you need to do.

PrinnyPree · 16/12/2023 09:09

I would end it, you gave him a chance and he didn't improve, you could try that again but I would suspect a temporary improvement then a backslide back to his comfort zone.

You're not compatible, you've been with him 3 years so you know him and this is who he is. I really wouldn't try to change him. You need someone adventurous and he needs a homebody.

DeedlessIndeed · 16/12/2023 09:12

Thing is OP, he was never going to be able to keep up the pretense for long.

He wont change (as unfair as that seems). Now your options are either:

  1. downgrade your expectations about life and embrace the WW2 docs will be the highlight of the weekend
  2. Stay together but do much more separately - only meet for sex and the odd take out or chilled out day
  3. Move on, look for another partner who is actually a good long-term fit for you.