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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling I don't measure up to my partner's dead wife

69 replies

Lesley1965 · 15/12/2023 23:02

AIBU to feel like this? My partner's wife died before I met him. When we first got together he only spoke about negative things, and I encouraged him to speak about her in a fuller sense, they were together for a long time so I knew it couldn't have all been bad.
But it's tipped a long way to the other side now, to the extent that I feel she's almost deified. I know I'm probably being petty but as a for instance, this evening we got a takeaway which came with crap dressings so I got some real mayo out. He said yeah but it's not even Hellmans, She wouldn't have any other make. I said Heinz is good, or any other real mayo if you check the ingredients. Nope, you basically don't know what you're talking about. She knew her mayo. (This is just one small example)
She'd already been brought into another conversation a few minutes before and this seems to be the way things are now.
I know I'm feeling sensitive about this, it's only a few weeks since his granddaughter (only 7yo) said he'd betrayed their Grandma with me, even though we only met after she died. I don't think a 7yo would think this on their own, I think things are being said to her.
I've read this back and it sounds petty I know, but it hurts

OP posts:
BoogityBoogityFastestThingOnTwoFeet · 15/12/2023 23:11

How long have you been together?
I think you’re right that the 7 year old is repeating what they’ve heard.
I’m not sure I could live with hearing how much better late wife was multiple times a day tbh. YANBU to feel hurt.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/12/2023 23:17

" She knew her mayo " I'm so sorry but that has cracked me up 😂

YANBU to feel like you do though op.

Original poster
Lesley1965 · 15/12/2023 23:19

Thanks. We've been together for 5 years

OP posts:
Darkenergy · 15/12/2023 23:22

It sounds like when you met him he had a lot bottled up and you have enabled him to release a lot of this so now all the complicated feelings are coming out. Even in your short op I can hear both his guilt (the betrayal comment) and his sadness (mayo). So YANBU but I wouldn't say he is either - he's just grieving. Are you talking about his grief (as opposed to talking about her)?

Missingmyusername · 15/12/2023 23:25

No 7 year old would come up with that unless it was overheard!
YANBU to be hurt.

Original poster
Lesley1965 · 15/12/2023 23:28

Yes, we've had a good few conversations about grief. I lost someone very close to me a couple of years ago so it opened up some chats about it. He's a good man, I must emphasize that. He's just not very good at connecting emotionally

OP posts:
Kwasi · 15/12/2023 23:31

How long was he widowed before you met him?

Original poster
Lesley1965 · 15/12/2023 23:33

It was just coming up to a year

OP posts:
ValerieDoonican · 15/12/2023 23:35

To be ready to be in a relationship, he needs to be able to consider your feelings. Constantly going on about his late wife and comparing you unfavourably (be it your understanding of mayonnaise quality or anything else) is not considerate. I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to expect better.

I am not sure howyou should approach this with him , hopefully others with more experience will have god suggestions. But I think he's being unkind, and I don't think grieving gives him a free pass to treat you like this, personally. YANBU to expect him to oit you first - either that, or admit he is not ready for another relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2023 23:36

Lesley1965 · 15/12/2023 23:33

It was just coming up to a year

And there it is.

goodgriefsean · 15/12/2023 23:38

He rushed into a relationship, you're jealous of a dead woman's taste in mayo, his family obviously are bitching about you (see, 7yo repeating adult conversations). Doesn't sound like a happy or healthy situation does it.

PooglesWood · 15/12/2023 23:39

That’s really quick!! He probably hadn’t processed it all and grieved, men sometimes move on very quickly. Sounds like his dcs thought it was too quick as well hence the remark from gd who has clearly heard her parents say.
Like say she’s now been deified, I’d be telling him to consider how that makes you feel.

mrsfollowill · 15/12/2023 23:41

It sounds like he has unresolved issues- it depends if you want to be his counsellor or not I suppose. Maybe he needs to talk things through with professional?
Sounds a really difficult situation- you've been together 5 yrs which is a good amount of time. It must be very frustrating for you- sorry I have no real advice other than to encourage counselling if you are otherwise happy with him Flowers

wildeflowers · 15/12/2023 23:43

I wouldn't call this jealousy. You have every right to be annoyed. However, you did go into this relationship knowing he hadn't gone through the grieving process yet, and took on some of the therapy yourself. You kind of got yourself into this position. He really ought to see an actual therapist and get it sorted out. It's his responsibility to do that, but you should probably let him know how you feel and what you think needs to happen. You should ask yourself if this is something you could live with forever if he doesn't get the help he needs.

mrsfollowill · 15/12/2023 23:46

Just to add I have a family member (in law- man) who moved a new lady in less than 6 months after his wife of 30 yrs died. It moved very fast and I admit I was skeptical but to be fair it's a few years on and they are very happy and have weathered hard times together.

Kwasi · 15/12/2023 23:47

Lesley1965 · 15/12/2023 23:33

It was just coming up to a year

In which case, he really wasn't over her. I know there are no set times when it comes to grief, but in my experience, three years seems to be how long many people take to fully cope with a close loss. It sounds like you were pat of his coping mechanism.

BoogityBoogityFastestThingOnTwoFeet · 15/12/2023 23:50

Lesley1965 · 15/12/2023 23:33

It was just coming up to a year

Blimey!

WhateverMate · 15/12/2023 23:51

Lesley1965 · 15/12/2023 23:33

It was just coming up to a year

So what then, only 10 or 11 months?

It sounds like he really jumped the gun.

But it's done now, so maybe he either needs some counselling or do you think it might be just the time of year perhaps?

LeaveBritneyAlone · 15/12/2023 23:54

Why do men do that? I know of quite a few - bury a wife then jump ship to something serious five minutes later? No wonder it isn’t working. You’re collateral damage in his delayed grief OP.

”She knew her mayo”. Made me giggle too. Isn’t mayo just mayo?

theduchessofspork · 15/12/2023 23:59

It’s a tricky situation to be in.

I think the only answer is to be clear and straightforward about your feelings - what would you like him to do differently? He can say what he needs to and am you can find a compromise. He loved her and shared a life with her, but he is your husband now, and he does need to live in the present for both your sakes.

theduchessofspork · 16/12/2023 00:00

LeaveBritneyAlone · 15/12/2023 23:54

Why do men do that? I know of quite a few - bury a wife then jump ship to something serious five minutes later? No wonder it isn’t working. You’re collateral damage in his delayed grief OP.

”She knew her mayo”. Made me giggle too. Isn’t mayo just mayo?

Well TBF neither Heinz nor Hellmans is actual mayonnaise..

FluffComingOut · 16/12/2023 00:01

Is he looking for a partner or food taster - 'she knew her mayo'!

How depressing after five years. Flowers

Camacamacama · 16/12/2023 00:01

I really dislike all the posts judging him for moving on too soon. There is no ‘right time’. People can meet someone new at any time and that’s ok. People can grieve and build new relationships at the same time.

MandyCandy · 16/12/2023 00:02

TomatoSandwiches · 15/12/2023 23:17

" She knew her mayo " I'm so sorry but that has cracked me up 😂

YANBU to feel like you do though op.

I think this is how my DH is going to remember me if I'm honest 😂

If there is one thing I know... It's my mayo! Hahaha

LeaveBritneyAlone · 16/12/2023 00:02

theduchessofspork · 16/12/2023 00:00

Well TBF neither Heinz nor Hellmans is actual mayonnaise..

Show quote history

What makes mayonnaise mayonnaise?

I use the stuff in the glass jar from Sainsburys. But I’m really not an aficionado.

i have to say I hope when it’s my time to go my DH has something better to say about me than my condiment choices.