Feeling I don't measure up to my partner's dead wife

[Lesley1965]

AIBU to feel like this? My partner's wife died before I met him. When we first got together he only spoke about negative things, and I encouraged him to speak about her in a fuller sense, they were together for a long time so I knew it couldn't have all been bad.
But it's tipped a long way to the other side now, to the extent that I feel she's almost deified. I know I'm probably being petty but as a for instance, this evening we got a takeaway which came with crap dressings so I got some real mayo out. He said yeah but it's not even Hellmans, She wouldn't have any other make. I said Heinz is good, or any other real mayo if you check the ingredients. Nope, you basically don't know what you're talking about. She knew her mayo. (This is just one small example)
She'd already been brought into another conversation a few minutes before and this seems to be the way things are now.
I know I'm feeling sensitive about this, it's only a few weeks since his granddaughter (only 7yo) said he'd betrayed their Grandma with me, even though we only met after she died. I don't think a 7yo would think this on their own, I think things are being said to her.
I've read this back and it sounds petty I know, but it hurts

Yes I agree i know men who have done this too. Women are more likely to take their time and grieve properly. It’s like men just can’t be on their own.

I would be honest with him. Tell him to stop talking about her in every situation. Then if he dies keep mentioning her say again ‘ Can you not bring her into every conversation?’

So he was only saying bad things about her after she took her own life? That’s pretty awful of him, no wonder his children are upset.

I know my mayo and Heinz is SO MUCH BETTER than Hellmans so he's definitely looking through rose tinted glasses. 🤣

Sorry youre going through this OP. If they were together a long time and would likely still be together if she was alive, it's natural that you would feel like you're not going to measure up to her. But he shouldn't be comparing things as small as your food preferences etc. And the u year old, sad as it sounds, would barely remember her grandma if you've been together 5 years and she died prior to that. So she's definitely being fed those lines.

I would say the comment from the grandchild was heard from the child rather than your partner. I certainly never said it around my kids, but when my dad moved on very quickly to another woman after my mum died I felt like he was betraying her. I was happy he had found some happiness, but it still felt a bit wrong. There were some other circumstances that made it am incredibly bitter and angry time for me though. Very possible the 7 year old over heard their parent talking about it.

You’ve been together 5 years, and the woman has been dead 6. The 7yo didn’t even know her. (One of my grandparents died when I was 18 months - I have no memory of him.)

Men often jump into a new relationship very quickly. In general they find it much harder than women to be alone. But because of this, he did not deal with his anger with her about her taking her own life, or his grief that she is dead.

The mayo comment is bloody ridiculous - if she “knew her mayo”, he certainly doesn’t! And if that’s the sort of petty little compliment to her you have to hear all the time, I would be pissed off, too. The trouble is, you can’t compete with a dead woman. She’s not there to defend herself, or to simply be a flawed human being, like the rest of us.

Can you discuss this with him? Maybe he doesn’t realise how much he is doing it. Can you tell him it sounds like she is still so important to him after 6 years, that there doesn’t seem to be room in his life for you as well.

There is a saying ‘women mourn, men replace’. I don’t think there are easy answers to this, but it does sound as though he may have tried to solve the problem of his wife’s death by starting a new relationship, and grief doesn’t work like that.

This ‘coping’ mechanism would also have meant that he was out of step with his children because a mother can’t be replaced.

It sounds as though you know all this, and have tried to help him with his grief, but you are an equal partner in this relationship and he needs to listen to how his behaviour is affecting you.

It's a huge compliment to you that he's able to talk about her in such a relaxed everyday way. My husband took his own life almost 6 years ago. I've been with dp exactly 3 years and he's so lovely at letting me feel what I feel and say what I say. It sounds like younare the kind of person who gives him that as well 💐

Unfortunately it does say something about him that he's using it as some kind of competitive thing to get at you. The mayo thing is completely ridiculous so I think he's trying to best you in a passive aggressive way because you're not allowed to piss your pants laughing at the idea that a previous partners' taste in mayo is some kind of boss move.

I'm much more worried about the 7 year old. Something sounds very wrong there and their mum died when they were 1 year old which I can't think about too much as it's too distressing.

Can I suggest that you look into family therapy urgently, maybe via Winston's Wish or another charity for bereaved children?

Hellmans has really gone downhill since it was bought by Unilever. ( sorry)

I think I would be telling this rude to buy his own salad dressing and suggest an alternative use for it.

🍆🌶

I know an older couple ( maybe late 60s/70s ) who've been married 30 years , yet he always mentions his first wife whenever we chat. " Mary would know " " Ah yes Mary & I used to go there" His poor wife , and who he has been married to for much longer , much be thinking here we go again.
Personally , I wouldn't put up with it . She is up there on a pedestal and it has no space for you.

I'm sorry but I don't like the sound of this man.

It's a red flag to be really negative about an ex-partner.

I don't really buy the grieving either. I wonder if he wasn't very nice to her when she was alive which might have contributed to her depression.

Nice men don't put down their partner on a regular basis. They also don't slag off their deceased wife.

You deserve better than someone who constantly wants you to feel less than. It's not your job to fix him, resolve his issues, get him to therapy etc. Your only responsibility is to you and your own happiness. Do you really believe that he is/can make you feel happy??

@PermanentTemporary the 7 year old’s grandma died when they were one, not their mum. 7 yo is partner’s granddaughter.

Oh @DuploTrain thank you! Must put on glasses to read MN. Sorry OP.

I would ask are you my step mum but you haven't been together long enough.

How do you get on with his children. To be honest as the children it was really hard for us to accept another women in that role, especially as my Dad tried to push her on us.

He also hasn't gotten over his wife he's still greaving. Has he had any counseling? It can work long term my Dad is probably an example, but as the kids it certainly was tricky to start with (don't push them either, they are missing there mother). And we had some falling outs along the way, now 18 years latter we all get on OK.

After five years, I can understand why that hurts. On big events - birthdays, Christmas etc, it’s fair enough to be thinking if your former partner and you sound like you’ve been very sensitive to his loss.

Maybe she had a thing about mayonaisse and that triggered the comment.

An odd comment, fair enough, but if the former partner is brought into daily conversations, is always right, and op’s opinions no longer count, then I can see that hurts and is demeaning.

You need to speak to him and explain that, although you respect him and acknowledge that he remembers his partner, all these comments are belittling and makes you feel second class.

So where is this rule book on how long people should wait before moving on after the death of a partner?

I have a friend whose husband died and she was plagued with judgement when she moved on after a few months. Everyone is different and their way of doing things is not the same as yours, often.

OP your partner is being insensitive to you and it's time to sit down and discuss it openly with him. Say what you want to happen.

I think you are misunderstanding comments.

There is no rule book about when you can start a new relationship, but you can’t deal with grief by starting a new relationship.

The new relationship has to be its own thing, not just compensation for a loss.

I'm not misunderstanding, I don't think.

@Aquamarine1029 You got it spot on there. As the saying goes, 'women grieve and men replace'.