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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling I don't measure up to my partner's dead wife

69 replies

Lesley1965 · 15/12/2023 23:02

AIBU to feel like this? My partner's wife died before I met him. When we first got together he only spoke about negative things, and I encouraged him to speak about her in a fuller sense, they were together for a long time so I knew it couldn't have all been bad.
But it's tipped a long way to the other side now, to the extent that I feel she's almost deified. I know I'm probably being petty but as a for instance, this evening we got a takeaway which came with crap dressings so I got some real mayo out. He said yeah but it's not even Hellmans, She wouldn't have any other make. I said Heinz is good, or any other real mayo if you check the ingredients. Nope, you basically don't know what you're talking about. She knew her mayo. (This is just one small example)
She'd already been brought into another conversation a few minutes before and this seems to be the way things are now.
I know I'm feeling sensitive about this, it's only a few weeks since his granddaughter (only 7yo) said he'd betrayed their Grandma with me, even though we only met after she died. I don't think a 7yo would think this on their own, I think things are being said to her.
I've read this back and it sounds petty I know, but it hurts

OP posts:
Camacamacama · 16/12/2023 00:05

OP just tell him how much he’s upsetting you. Do it carefully. He’s probably not aware how insensitive it is. When you’re widowed, you have two partners /two loves and it’s very hard to understand if you’re not in that situation. I’m not sure if I’m explaining that well but I bet he doesn’t mean to upset you.

mrsfollowill · 16/12/2023 00:07

I think men generally move on quicker than women. My mum was widowed at 59 (the day before she turned 60) and she was of the opinion she did not want another man and stuck to it. She didn't want to end up nursing an old man again (she explained she never thought of my dad as an 'old man' as they were together from being teens)
If anything happened to DH I honestly think I would stay alone as a mad old cat lady- I don't have the energy to invest in a new romantic relationship - we have been together since v early 20's for over 30yrs and I cannot really contemplate being with anyone else.
I do think he would soon settle down with someone else though to be 'looked after' like his brother did if I go first and I'd give it under a year!

MsRosley · 16/12/2023 00:09

You have my absolute sympathy, OP. That crap would get very old, very quickly. Hard to say how to tackle it. Head on, maybe? I'd be inclined to say I understood he endured a difficult loss, but that I found it demeaning and demoralising to be constantly unfavourable compared to his ex wife. That he's had five years grace, and now is the time to pack it in. You deserve respect and appreciation for who you are, as a unique, distinct and very patient individual.

PaulaPocket · 16/12/2023 00:10

Lesley1965 · 15/12/2023 23:33

It was just coming up to a year

That's a bit soon.

SoySaucePls · 16/12/2023 00:11

He’s insensitive. I’d be annoyed.

He shouldn’t be comparing you.

Whether your former partner is alive or dead it’s really horrible to compare them to a current partner.

I couldn’t put up with that criticism and put you downs. I’d be off. Don’t need anyone making me feel like crap.

Notsurehwhattdo · 16/12/2023 00:11

Mayo just step in here and say I think he rushed into a new relationship a bit fast. He should be more condiment of your feelings.

Camacamacama · 16/12/2023 00:14

Are you widowed @PaulaPocket ?

Original poster
Lesley1965 · 16/12/2023 00:31

Thanks all for your replies, they've all helped, and stopped me feeling like I'm going mad. I think I've just felt alone in it all so it's good to talk. My partner's wife unalived herself which is obviously a factor in everything and I completely understand everyone's pain. I've clearly got lots to think about

OP posts:
therealcookiemonster · 16/12/2023 00:57

YABU because heinz mayo isn't worth the bottle it comes in. hellman's all the way. obv us proper mumsnetters all make it from scratch using eggs laid by our own chickens and serve it alongside a massive mumsnet salad (we dont eat it ofc, we just have the salad). we certainly dont eat it from the jar with a spoon.

on a more serious note, sounds like your partner and their whole family are still grieving. doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care for you. but part of loving him is accepting that he will always love his deceased wife. however, that's not for everyone and only you can judge if this is right for you.

LeaveBritneyAlone · 16/12/2023 01:01

With the greatest of respect OP, I know you’re just trying to be sensitive but we are all big girls here, please don’t do the ‘unalived’ nonsense. No one with an iota of emotional intelligence hears ‘dead’ or ‘suicide’ and has a total breakdown in contrast to hearing ‘unalived’

Tandora · 16/12/2023 01:03

goodgriefsean · 15/12/2023 23:38

He rushed into a relationship, you're jealous of a dead woman's taste in mayo, his family obviously are bitching about you (see, 7yo repeating adult conversations). Doesn't sound like a happy or healthy situation does it.

He rushed into a relationship, you're jealous of a dead woman's taste in mayo

sorry I know this post is serious and about a hurtful subject- sorry op 💔 - but I cant stop laughing at this summary 😂😭

Tandora · 16/12/2023 01:06

Notsurehwhattdo · 16/12/2023 00:11

Mayo just step in here and say I think he rushed into a new relationship a bit fast. He should be more condiment of your feelings.

Ahahahaha 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 well played

Original poster
Lesley1965 · 16/12/2023 01:06

Thanks, I really would prefer to use the real words. But I'm used to being on gossip chatsites where you have to trigger warn everything 🫢

OP posts:
echt · 16/12/2023 01:18

She knew her mayo sounds like an epitaph.

Lots of judgy "too soon" related to date of dating - it's different for everyone . As for "moving on", give me strength. It has the implications that the bereaved has forgotten the dead when in this case it's more useful to express it as "ready for a relationship".

Anyhoo, back to the OP. You've been together for five years and it looks like he still has complicated feelings about her; the mayo thing is really about how he banged on about it, and the child's reference is hurtful. You say it's part of wider deification of the dead wife - any other examples?

Diggerdriverless · 16/12/2023 02:22

He definitely needs counselling. The circumstances of his first wife's death would have made grieving even more difficult. I think you need to tell him that conversations about mayo (for example) are both ridiculous and hurtful to you. If he con continues like this you might snap someday and say something you regret.
FWIW, my father was widowed twice. He loved both his wives deeply and devotedly. I think his happiness in his first marriage led to him wanting to replicate that life with someone else. He married my mum 17 months after he was widowed. There was never any hint that our family were 'second best'.

Redskyatwhatever · 16/12/2023 02:57

I’d be buying a job lot of Hellmans and gift wrapping it for him for Christmas, if you can’t both laugh about it I think your relationship has run its course.

Pinkbonbon · 16/12/2023 03:21

Sounds like narcissistic triangulation to me.
(Using another woman to make you feel like you aren't 'enough' or will never measure up to the 'one who got away').

Standard for them to swing between badmouthing the person and deifying them too.

It's emotional abuse. Designed to make you feel you never know where you stand with him. And damage your self esteem. Other examples will include things like: always taking the opposite opinion to you (everything feels like an argument). And never standing up for you. And sucking the joy out of your dreams, goals, achievements or hobbies.

Even was slagging off the relationship when she'd only been dead a year is messed up.

I don't know why you'd stay with a dickhead like this. Actually sounds like was lucky she died early and escaped him.

Northernsouloldies · 16/12/2023 04:21

The dead wife now achieved saint status, The 7yr old repeating adult conversation, and to top it off your lesser than the Saint of condiments. Don't know how you could be arsed with it.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 16/12/2023 04:32

He got with you too soon. This is a man thing.

You filled a void too quickly and now you are paying the consequences.

I'd finish it if I were you.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 16/12/2023 04:35

Actually sounds like was lucky she died early and escaped him

Fucking hell. That's harsh!! I'd go as far as to say a bit evil actually!

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/12/2023 04:37

So when you first met, he was only talking about bad things about her? Now she is defied to the point that no one is allowed to use the mayonnaise that she wouldn't have chosen.

I don't think this is the man for you unfortunately. He doesn't seem a very nice guy to talk to you like that. You might have spent five years together, but you still aren't matching up to his ex, even though he clearly had a lot of problems with her. I would let him go free now.

TravelInHope · 16/12/2023 06:53

I think he is right about the mayo.
The other stuff, less so.

Brexile · 16/12/2023 07:26

TomatoSandwiches · 15/12/2023 23:17

" She knew her mayo " I'm so sorry but that has cracked me up 😂

YANBU to feel like you do though op.

If "she knew her mayo" she'd know that Hellman's is sugary American-style crap and that any French supermarket value brand is better! (I never found nice mayonnaise in the UK but Hellman's can surely be improved upon.) Stupid man.

OP, he's doing this on purpose. There's every chance that the sainted dead wife was also made to feel inferior to some goddess supermodel ex-girlfriend who got away. It's exactly the same trick that he's pulling.

LightSpeeds · 16/12/2023 07:40

It's not really clear whether he's still mourning her or not really wanting to be in a relationship with you.

The petty comparisons to his wife are a bit much.

I'd be considering whether I'd really be wanting to put up with this constant stream of put downs and negativity. It must be eating away at your self esteem.