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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to move closer to my family

56 replies

Lavender1029 · 15/12/2023 15:04

DP and I got together 6 years ago and live near to where he grew up. I ended up living here due to moving to be with my previous partner and stayed after we split due to work commitments. It is a good 2.5 hour drive to where I am from and where my parents and close friends still live.

DP has two children from previous relationship of whom we live 10 min drive from. This works really well in terms of co-parenting with his ex of whom we’re on very good terms with. We also now have a DD and DS (2 under 2) and since having our children I’m starting to desperately miss my family and friends and the ability to see them regularly and easily. DP is not close to his family at all, we rarely see MIL and never see his siblings (they have never met our children and I’m not sure they’ve even met my SDS’s). For this reason we have no extra family help (which I know is the case for a lot of people) but would be something we’d have if we were near my family. I am incredibly close to my parents and they are, even at a distance, very involved grandparents and it saddens me that they can’t be more involved. DP also doesn’t have a close network of friends that we can socialise with. I have a small group of NCT mums that I socialise with in the week, they’re all lovely but to be near friends I have known since school and have deep roots with would feel very different. The yearning that I have to be closer to my family and friends is growing - maybe because I’m on maternity leave which can feel isolating and the thought of being able to just pop round to see my mum for a morning would be amazing.

Deep down I know it’s something I need to put to bed because if we moved it would mean taking DP to live at a distance where he would not be able to co-parent as actively as he does now. I’ve only realised how important this is to me since having our children where it is now not as easy for me to visit friends and family. I haven’t mentioned this at all to DP, probably because I know the reaction wouldn’t be very positive.

Wondering if anyone else is in this position and genuinely interested in what people think. Am I unreasonable to want to move closer? I suspect yes as this will affect his co-parenting arrangements but it’s nice to get this off my chest.

OP posts:

Fionaville · 15/12/2023 15:07

YANBU I completely get why you want to live closer to your parents. We live close to mine. But children come first and it wouldn't be fair on the step kids to move their dad away.

Spaghettieis · 15/12/2023 15:13

Is there a compromise location in between so that you could live maybe 45 mins from SDC and be more like 90 mins from your family? Depends on your custody arrangements and whether DP is willing to drive DC that far to school after his days of course.

Overthebow · 15/12/2023 15:15

YANBU to want to live closer, but it’s not going to work with your current partner and his DC.

Marblessolveeverything · 15/12/2023 15:33

I would never move from my children's area. I'm sorry but I would think very little of a father who did.

LovelyBranches · 17/12/2023 09:55

Are your parents able to move closer to you?

Findinganewme · 17/12/2023 10:15

I live a couple of hours away from my family, in outer london. We live closer to my husband’s home turf, because our jobs were both london based when we met and married. It happens that his family are relatively close by, but have never been any help to us at all. I understand some of what you’re saying…but you have the important consideration of step children.

my eldest is now 12 and the need for help and support really doesn’t feel the same anymore.
can your parents move closer to you?
we have my parents over during school holidays, which the kids love. It’s an opportunity for me to breathe and get a date night in.
can you book holidays together, with your parents?

You can’t really move your husband away from your stepchildren, which it seems you’re understanding of, but there are other things you can do and especially as your very young children grow.

Butchyrestingface · 17/12/2023 10:24

Would you want to live a 2.5 hour drive away from YOUR kids?

JurassicFantastic · 17/12/2023 10:34

Would you move closer to your parents and leave your children with your DP and visit them rather than co-parenting? Obviously the answer is no (and rightly so). But if you wouldn't do it, why would you expect your DP to do it with his older children?

Unfortunately this is a choice you made when you had children with someone who was already a parent.

I do feel for you, but moving away just isn't going to be an option. I think you need to focus on finding another solution. Are there ways to sort out your parents visiting you more often? Or you visiting them? Are there bridges that could be built with DP's family? Could you look for ways to make local friends?

WenttheDayWell · 17/12/2023 10:41

You cannot expect him to live far away from his children that trumps everything else. What age are your parents? Do you think they would ever move closer to you?

I live hundreds of miles from all family and just had to get on with it was but it was for my career, same with DH.

BowlOfNoodles · 17/12/2023 15:56

You knew hew responsibilitys before you had children of your own

Marwoodsbigbreak · 17/12/2023 16:00

YANBU to feel this way, but it’s tough really because DP already has the strongest tie possible to the area.

Didn’t you consider any of this before having children with the man?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 17/12/2023 16:01

I agree with other posters, it would be very difficult to move now albeit you don’t say hole old your stepchildren are. Even as teens and with a direct route 2.5 hrs on the train is an ask unchaperoned.

It is easy to think from a distance that your parents and family will provide the support you would like with two v small children. It’s exhausting and often relentless. However for many grandparents they do better in short bursts and will be superhuman in a way that close contact often isn’t.

Assuming you go back to work family help is often a godsend and a financial help, but comes with strings and complications you don’t have with professional care. So it’s worth considering without rose tinted specs if more regular visits in either direction would give you what you need for now at any rate.

Lastly my experience of v small children and Mat leave is that it can be very lonely and isolated. A return to work brings more adult interaction and a pace of life logistically that keeps you very busy and with little time to spend quality time with parents if they are providing childcare. When they start school or nursery you will find your local social network will expand out of all proportion.

Depending on your respective jobs and age of step kids it may be sensible to broach the subject with your husband if you would like to relocate. Before the kids start school or secondary will come a lot faster than you think. Plus your parents will be getting older.

WeHaveChocIcesInTheFreezer · 17/12/2023 16:32

YABNU to feel this way but I agree this would not be fair on your DP other children or him to move. I would talk to your DP about how you feel though so he understands. I you manage to find a compromise that works for you all.

Vonesk · 17/12/2023 16:42

I've been in this position.
T. B. H. It did not seem to make much difference where you live.
When you live on top of each other No one makes the effort.
If you live a distance away, people make effort to see you and maybe stay over.
VERY strange I know.
And having small children is challenging per say, no matter where you are.

Gillypie23 · 17/12/2023 17:01

I understand your wanting to be closer. It would be selfish. You can't expect your husband to leave his kids.

squeekychicken · 17/12/2023 20:02

Yanbu to want to live near your family. I was in a similar position although my dh didn't have other dc.

This really should've been a huge consideration before you became serious with your now dh and had children.

I think unless you want to break up your family you're just going to have to suck it up. Can you go and stay with your parents more frequently whilst kids are pre school age? This would prob not be feasible if you work ft.

Wickedmum · 18/12/2023 00:01

You are not unreasonable to want to be close to your family and friends, girls usually gravitate more towards their own mum more than SO’s mum.

How often does DH have his other children, do they have their own room at your home, do they pop in frequently or is it all arranged timings I.e every other weekend and one day during the week or is it flexible because they live so close?

If you lived closer to your parents would they be willing/able to help look after your 2 children?

Could you reach out to your in laws and spark up more of a relationship with them and your two kids?

Mat Leave is very isolating however I’m sure there is plenty of baby/toddler groups you could go to and meet other parents in your area, build new friendships.

if you were to move say an hour down the road, so in between dsc and your family how would that work for work life too. I don’t think you are wrong in considering it and might be worth speaking to your DH without putting any pressure on any of you, I’m very much a nothing ventured nothing gained type of woman, but the best thing you can do is speak to your husband and see how he feels but make it clear you’re happy with him and DSC and don’t want to upset the apple cart you’re just suggesting something new but you’re happy to stay put.

Could your parents come and stay over at yours say even once per month?

Mummingit85 · 18/12/2023 06:08

Not unreasonable to feel this way, but it would be unreasonable to act on it.

And there’s no guarantee if you moved that you would have extra help and support. My family were all very excited and looking forward to being involved when I was pregnant, that all evaporated once baby was born and we have had no help or support - and they live 15-30 minutes away

Kiitos · 18/12/2023 07:53

It’s unreasonable to expect him to move away from his kids but I think you know that. How would you feel if you weren’t together in future and he moved away from your kids with someone else.
Did you meet him in the area you live now? If so I think it’s even more unreasonable to expect him to move away.

MilkChocolateCookie · 18/12/2023 07:57

Ah I feel for you OP. It's really natural to want to be closer to your family but I'm afraid DP's relationship with his kids comes first.

runsmidgeOMG · 18/12/2023 08:02

YANBU to feel this way, also to those saying didn’t she consider this before getting with a man who has kids, yes absolutely this should have been more of a consideration BUT she says very clearly in her post that these feelings have become prominent because she has now had her own DC, and that’s ok.

You know as others have said you can’t act on it, but I’d try to expand your friendship base. How old are DC? I’d absolutely be taking advantage of mat leave and going and staying with parents/ friends. 2.5 hrs isn’t that bad if you go every couple of months and stay for a week etc.

Needsomesupport84 · 18/12/2023 08:03

Butchyrestingface · 17/12/2023 10:24

Would you want to live a 2.5 hour drive away from YOUR kids?

This

YABU big time

MargotBamborough · 18/12/2023 08:08

I'm afraid I think you need to stay where you are if at all possible.

There are four children involved here, and your partner is dad to all of them.

If you move to where your family live then two children will not be able to live near their dad - either your two children or his children from his previous relationship.

When you had children with a man who lived close to his existing children, you should have understood that you were essentially tying yourself to that area.

Try to make the best of it, put more roots down where you are now, build a better local support network, and make regular trips back to your home town to see your family and friends.

spriots · 18/12/2023 08:08

It's not unreasonable that you feel this way but you would be unreasonable to encourage your DP to destroy his relationship with his other children.

It's more important that your stepchildren have their parents nearby than that your children habe grandparents nearby

It sounds like you're a good person and you know this.

Your parents can still have a good relationship with your children.

Sodndashitall · 18/12/2023 08:08

Unfortunately you knew the situation with your DP and so you're stuck with it. My family lived in another country so I didn't have support other than visits and made friends locally and had good network. Try to focus on that instead.
Moving your DH away from his kids is am absolutely no no. That's devastating for his kids, hopefully you can see that

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