To want to move closer to my family

[Lavender1029]

DP and I got together 6 years ago and live near to where he grew up. I ended up living here due to moving to be with my previous partner and stayed after we split due to work commitments. It is a good 2.5 hour drive to where I am from and where my parents and close friends still live.

DP has two children from previous relationship of whom we live 10 min drive from. This works really well in terms of co-parenting with his ex of whom we’re on very good terms with. We also now have a DD and DS (2 under 2) and since having our children I’m starting to desperately miss my family and friends and the ability to see them regularly and easily. DP is not close to his family at all, we rarely see MIL and never see his siblings (they have never met our children and I’m not sure they’ve even met my SDS’s). For this reason we have no extra family help (which I know is the case for a lot of people) but would be something we’d have if we were near my family. I am incredibly close to my parents and they are, even at a distance, very involved grandparents and it saddens me that they can’t be more involved. DP also doesn’t have a close network of friends that we can socialise with. I have a small group of NCT mums that I socialise with in the week, they’re all lovely but to be near friends I have known since school and have deep roots with would feel very different. The yearning that I have to be closer to my family and friends is growing - maybe because I’m on maternity leave which can feel isolating and the thought of being able to just pop round to see my mum for a morning would be amazing.

Deep down I know it’s something I need to put to bed because if we moved it would mean taking DP to live at a distance where he would not be able to co-parent as actively as he does now. I’ve only realised how important this is to me since having our children where it is now not as easy for me to visit friends and family. I haven’t mentioned this at all to DP, probably because I know the reaction wouldn’t be very positive.

Wondering if anyone else is in this position and genuinely interested in what people think. Am I unreasonable to want to move closer? I suspect yes as this will affect his co-parenting arrangements but it’s nice to get this off my chest.

I want to move back closer to family (250 miles) but I have stayed as I didn’t want my kids to do doing that journey regularly to see their dad. 2 more years to go now, 13 waiting. I feel like my life’s been on hold, not able to afford to buy here, but would have a lovely house up there. I do love living down south, and adore london and all it has to offer, but my home is north wales and always will be. Another reason I stayed was because it’s very multi cultured here and my children are mixed race.

I personally think you’ve got to suck it up as your partner won’t want to not see his other children as often. It’s hard though, I totally sympathise. I used to go every school holiday, still go often. Yesterday I felt it after attending funeral of the mother of one of my best friends from childhood. Time is cracking on and I really want to get back to the friends who I value more than any, they’ve been there from childhood, shared memories and now as life gets harder for them I want to be around for them to pop round with a bottle of wine. I also want to be there for my mothers ailing years. I feel like the next 2yrs will drag but I’m almost there now (13yrs since we split)x

Unfortunately children come first, before your parents and friends. You are not unreasonable for wanting to move closer, you are unreasonable if you tried to make it happen.

@Lavender1029 your feelings are very valid - and it sounds like you're clear-headed about the difficulty of resolving this.

My husband and I are both like you - close to our families and would like to live where we grew up - but unfortunately that's several hundred miles apart, and even without stepkids in the mix it has been one of the more difficult decisions of our relationship.

If younger stepkid is only nine, barring very unexpected events you are going to be in this location for another decade. So I think you have to commit. I think you will be able to set down more roots once your kids are a little bigger - it worked that way for us. Our "distant" grandparents are very involved and the kids see them often, so that's still worked out. It is not the same as having them next door, but it's more special in some ways!

I wish you the best of luck.

YANBU for feeling this but unfortunately you can't do anything about it.

I was in exactly the same position - moved 3 hours from my family and friends to be with my now husband and be near his daughter from a previous marriage. I hugely resented it at first, and kept trying to convince him to move nearer halfway, but I soon realised it was unfair to ask him to drive all that way, and once his daughter started school I knew it wasnt right and we soon moved to be within 15 minutes so he could do school pickups etc.

When my son came along it was so hard to be far away from family with no help, but worth it for the relationship that he developed with his sister who he gets to see regularly.

Now 15 and 9, they are as a close as any teenage girl would be to her annoying little brother! And I love her to bits too, of course. She also has an 11yo sister with her mum and stepdad, and all three of the kids are close. Being close is even more important now we also have to contend with her social life too. If we were far away we would barely see her or she would have to miss out on seeing her friends.

I didn't make any new close friends in the area until my son started school, NCT didn't work out for me, but now I have some really good friends.

My husband recently said that he wanted to retire near my parents in around 10 years time, which was a huge surprise. He recognises what I gave up to be here with him and his daughter. It's obviously not the same as having had my son grow up near his grandparents as I always imagined, but at least I know I will be around to take care of them when they are older.

You, a child, who is a grown adult want to move to be closer to your parents for their support but you'd be prepared to separate actual children from their parent and that day to day support & contact? Sorry, you just can't do that. I appreciate it's tough for you but, by choosing to have DC with someone who already had children, you have chosen to remain living where you are.

I think there are some great ideas on this thread:

• You go and stay with parents more whilst on mat leave
• They come and stay with you/ have holidays together
• Parents move closer to you (my parents did this. Helpful as they age unless you have siblings where they currently live)

They can still be really involved. I know it doesn't help with friends but maybe you can organise a weekend away once a year or something which becomes a tradition and maintains the friendship.