To want to move closer to my family

[Lavender1029]

DP and I got together 6 years ago and live near to where he grew up. I ended up living here due to moving to be with my previous partner and stayed after we split due to work commitments. It is a good 2.5 hour drive to where I am from and where my parents and close friends still live.

DP has two children from previous relationship of whom we live 10 min drive from. This works really well in terms of co-parenting with his ex of whom we’re on very good terms with. We also now have a DD and DS (2 under 2) and since having our children I’m starting to desperately miss my family and friends and the ability to see them regularly and easily. DP is not close to his family at all, we rarely see MIL and never see his siblings (they have never met our children and I’m not sure they’ve even met my SDS’s). For this reason we have no extra family help (which I know is the case for a lot of people) but would be something we’d have if we were near my family. I am incredibly close to my parents and they are, even at a distance, very involved grandparents and it saddens me that they can’t be more involved. DP also doesn’t have a close network of friends that we can socialise with. I have a small group of NCT mums that I socialise with in the week, they’re all lovely but to be near friends I have known since school and have deep roots with would feel very different. The yearning that I have to be closer to my family and friends is growing - maybe because I’m on maternity leave which can feel isolating and the thought of being able to just pop round to see my mum for a morning would be amazing.

Deep down I know it’s something I need to put to bed because if we moved it would mean taking DP to live at a distance where he would not be able to co-parent as actively as he does now. I’ve only realised how important this is to me since having our children where it is now not as easy for me to visit friends and family. I haven’t mentioned this at all to DP, probably because I know the reaction wouldn’t be very positive.

Wondering if anyone else is in this position and genuinely interested in what people think. Am I unreasonable to want to move closer? I suspect yes as this will affect his co-parenting arrangements but it’s nice to get this off my chest.

I’d think that your partner wasn’t a very good dad if he agreed to it. Good dads put their children first.

Yes it would be saying in no uncertain terms that his new family is more important than his old ones and the children would feel very rejected. They would also probably blame the OP for driving a wedge between them and their dad.

My mum who is her 70s and lives 2 hours drive from us still comes every week to help with childcare for my DS. It’s probably easier for your parents to visit you.

I’d stay put now but maybe revisit when milestones such as changes in schools happen.

Not unreasonable to want to be near support, I am in the same situation, my family that could help with childcare of our youngest all live further away and we live in the same city as my partners family, who all still work and we still don’t see very often. I want to be nearer my family, but I know it won’t happen till SC are out of high school. I couldn’t ask my partner to move away from his children no matter how much I would love to move, that’s just a sacrifice you make becoming a step parent and it sounds like you already know and accept this.

YANBU to want to move closer but you have to put it to bed because of his children unfortunately

YANBU to want to live near your parents, but YABU to expect your DH to move away from his kids.

Imagine you moving back home and leaving your DH and two kids behind then seeing them only at weekends and on a screen. I'm guessing you wouldn't want that, so it wouldn't be fair to expect your DH to do the same.

This again.

I understand but his children shouldn't have to suffer because of choices you made.

YABU you knew the situation ie that his kids were nearby when you started a family with him. It would be so hard on his kids to not see their dad so much.

What sort of coparenting does he do, how old are the kids and how involved are they with your kids lives?

If they are teenagers he sees at the weekend then it's very different to 7 year olds he does half the school runs for.

Honestly, 2.5 hours isn’t that far, especially if you are not currently working. My commute is 1.5 hours twice a day. Pop and see your mum, or have her come and see you. As you are on mat leave you could stay overnight occasionally. There seems to be a mental block when it comes to driving, but if you leave the house at 7am, you’d be there by 9:30 and have the full day to do things. Kids get very used to car journeys very quickly, my grandparents were 5-6 hours away when I was a toddler and we often made the drive.

I do think it is unreasonable to seriously consider moving with the stepchildren. Not unreason to feel isolated.

Totally get how you are feeling - we live a long way from my family, it sucks but you have to put your own family and children first - in our case it's financial and the inability to have an adequate living situation without working super long hours. In your case it's the proximity to your step children, who are your husbands children and deserve to be equal priority with his other child.

You say you haven't mentioned it to your husband because he'll react badly. It might help if you did talk about it - tell him that you don't need a solution and aren't asking for anything to move, but you feel homesick for your old town and you miss your mum and can you have a hug please.
Better than letting it become a secret resentment/sadness that comes between you and he has no idea what's happening!

YANBU to wish things were different and you could move near your parents. YABU to consider that it could actually happen. I would have a very low opinion of any man (or woman) who would move that far away from their children.

It’s natural to feel this way but when you got together with your dp you knew he has kids and they live locally so I think you have to just suck it up. Maybe when they’re older and need a bit less involvement you could look at moving a bit further away but that’s several years away I would think

All replies so far have been helpful thank you and largely confirming what I’d already concluded, that I need to accept the current situation and work around it. I think being on maternity leave trying to navigate a newborn and under 2 in winter is probably making me feel more down and isolated but I know this won’t last forever. I’ll try cover off some questions -

To those saying I should have known this and considered it before having children with him - yes you’re right however I didn’t know how having children would make me feel. What’s important to me has completely changed which I genuinely hadn’t anticipated. I think people can tell you what it’s like having children but you don’t understand the reality until it’s actually happened. That’s my opinion anyway.

Stepchildren are 9 and 14. Both good kids. 14 year old is wedded to his games console and phone (too much if you ask me but it’s not my battle to fight…) and we don’t see much of him at all while he’s here. We have them alternate weekends and DP sees them (or more like just the younger one really) one evening a week at their house. He also does a school run for the youngest. We will have them ad hoc during school holidays to help with childcare cover but other than that they don’t pop in randomly. Arrangements are all informal due to amicable separation.

I think it is what it is and I need to put it to bed. I’ll talk to my parents about trying to schedule in semi regular visits, perhaps alternating between here and there particularly while I’m off this year. I’m hoping as well that as our children grow and make friends I’ll be able to build friendships with the parents and we can build a more solid social life/support network up here.

I totally understand where you are coming from and if he didn't have other children, it would be a no brainer. Very difficult....a compromise of moving halfway is kind of a lose lose situation for both.

This.

unfortunately it’s more important for him to be near his kids, than for you to be near your parents.

can you find other ways to see your family like book in regular days a week/month, have them to stay over.. etc. once your kids are a bit bigger you’ll need less help. Totally understand how hard it is though I have two under 4 as well. But I’m also a child of divorced parents, my dad moved overseas when my siblings and I were young and it had really quite sad and far reaching consequences, especially for my younger brother.

I had these feelings when I had young DC. We even started planning to move nearer my family, but it didn't work out with jobs. I'm glad now we didn't make the move. My mum is now moving closer to us.

YANBU to feel this way but YWBU to do it, as PPs have said.

The teen being on his phone all the time is irrelevant as well, that's how teens are, mine is the same but it doesn't mean he'd be fine if I decided to move 2 hours away from him! Teens in particular need emotional support and need to know their parents care about them, moving away would send all the wrong messages and honestly if your DH agreed to it, he would be a terrible parent.

Think how you'd feel if god forbid you and DH split up and he moved hours away from your children.

Have you tried using the Peanut app? I’ve not used it for a while but it’s basically like a dating app, but for meeting other mums in the area. I was new to the area I live in when I had my DS and have met some amazing friends through it with children similar ages.

I think you are 100% valid in your feelings of wanting to be closer to your own family. I was this way after I had my DD and DS so I think it’s completely normal and natural. I was in the same boat as you though, my childrens dad had a DD from a previous relationship and so it wasn’t possible to move closer to my family. No matter how much I miss my family, it would be nothing compared to how much my SD would miss her dad and vice versa. As well as my children missing their sister. And although now he has sole custody of his DD it also wouldn’t be fair to move her away from her brother that her mother had so we’re still in it 😂 children come first always 🩷

"DP is not close to his family at all"

I think his children count.

Hello,

I’m not sure if you realise how fortunate you are to be part of a step family that is functioning in such a healthy way. I’ve been a step mum (many years ago) and it was honestly one of the most stressful periods of my life - mainly because my partner and his ex did not get on.

I’ve also seen my daughter struggle with her step mum. She’s 23 now and gets on ok with her step mum, who came into her life when she was 12 and immediately started interfering with my daughter’s relationship with her dad. This did untold damage to my daughter and ex husband’s relationship (which had been good up to then) but also had a horrible impact on my daughter’s mental health and her relationships with her dad’s wider family. My daughter and her step mum recently had a long chat about the past and her step mum apologised. They are moving on but the damage is done and things will never be the same as they could have been. At 12 my daughter was becoming more independent but she still needed her dad to be there for her fully. Your step kids will be the same.

I personally hold my ex more responsible for all of that than his partner. He had a responsibility to my daughter, first and foremost. It sounds like your husband is doing what he should be doing as a dad, and despite the sacrifices you’re making for that to happen (believe me, I understand - I would have hated to be away from my mum when my kids were young) that is benefitting you hugely as well. I know it’s hard, but try focusing on that. Moving back home might bring some benefits, but it could also create a really stressful and difficult step family situation that would harm you and in turn your children.

Count your blessings. It sounds like your husband is a gem.

YANBU, it's a very common scenario with new mums - myself included. I was in the same situation as you with two under two, living in DHs hometown and he wasn't very sociable either and I yearned to return home for years after my DC were born. It was a source of a lot of arguments between us. It eased somewhat as they got a but older but I couldn't shake it. I moved back this year and DH commutes up and down at weekends. I'm so much happier to be home and my DC are thriving at their new school and seeing my family so much.

The difference is though OP there were no stepchildren involved. You can't expect him to leave when he has two other DC that wouldn't be fair at all on him or especially the children. So unless you want to do as I do and only see him for part of the week (or every couple of weeks since he has 50:50) then I think you're going to have to suck it up unfortunately ☹️

It will be easier once your DC start school and life gets busier and more social, you'll probably feel more "rooted" then, so hang on in there!

OP I'm in a similar boat to you- extremely far from my own family and v close to my DH's. In my experience mat leave makes these feelings much more intense, so you won't always feel this so much. You're not alone. Agree with pp that the benefit of living far away is more quality time- when we are with my family it's a longer visit or they come on holiday with us- doesn't make up for not being able to pop over for the day on mat leave but it's something. I agree with pp that you could try leaving early and driving over for the day. Hugs to you

Not unreasonable to feel the way you do, but would be unreasonable to push him to move. The kids have to come first, it's what you signed up for (which from your post , I know you realise)

Try and both get actively involved in things, build some more friendships, which is easier said than done as an adult!