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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just not wanting to go

55 replies

Shakeylegs · 15/12/2023 14:22

SIL is coming home for a couple of weeks over Christmas. Lives abroad, and DP hasn’t seen her since May.

In-laws have invited us to a meal out one evening next week. I don’t particularly want to go. It’s nothing personal, but there are various minor reasons why I’d rather not. I’ll be tired after work, it’s a busy time of year, we’ll be seeing them loads at other times, and I don’t want to spend money on another meal out, at a ‘meh’ place. None of those are dealbreakers, but I just all adds up to the giant reason why I don’t want to go which is that I really can’t be arsed.

So I said this to DP, who said that a lie will have to be told about me having a late work meeting, otherwise it would be considered rude.

Would it? AIBU? Why is it rude just to not really want to go somewhere? I don’t hate them, I’d just quite like to politely decline their offer. If I invited someone out and they said no, I’d just shrug. Their wish to not go is no more or less valid than mine to go.

I’ll probably end up going now, to avoid potential rudeness or lying. But why can’t people just take ‘No thanks’ as an answer?

OP posts:
Sodndashitall · 15/12/2023 14:24

Will you be seeing SIL "loads" of other times? It does seem a bit off to not go to a dinner for SIL who lives abroad and it's just 1 meal. You can always leave immediately after the meal.

pinkspeakers · 15/12/2023 14:25

She's your SIL, she lives abroad, your DP hasn't seen her since May. If you say no, without a good reason, it will come across that you're not interested in meeting her. Which you're clearly not, but you can see why it's not the message your DP wants to send to his sister. So he wants to do the polite thing and come up with a better story.

tomatoontoast · 15/12/2023 14:26

If you can't work out why giving wishy washy excuses isn't rude then you need to have another think about it.

Don't go if your going to have an attitude about it. I'm sure they will all enjoy themselves just as much.

Zanatdy · 15/12/2023 14:27

Of course it’s rude. Sorry SIL, I know you live abroad but my wife cba coming this evening as she will be seeing enough of you over the next couple of weeks. Can you really not see that it’s rude?

AgentProvocateur · 15/12/2023 14:29

Of course it’s rude. You’ve not seen her since May and it’s your DH’s sister. You really can’t see this?

ManateeFair · 15/12/2023 14:30

Why is it rude just to not really want to go somewhere?

It's not rude to say 'Nah, don't fancy it tonight, sorry' when invited out to, eg, drinks with 20 work colleagues. But if it's a small thing with family/friends, like a meal with your in-laws, then saying 'I'm not coming because I don't want to' is essentially saying 'Your company isn't good enough to outweigh the effort of leaving the house/cost of a mediocre meal'. So that's why it looks rude.

Personally I'd just go because I wouldn't want to embarrass my DP by skulking at home like a sullen teenager instead of going to a family dinner with him. And he'd do the same if it were me.

FinallyHere · 15/12/2023 14:30

A polite lie is the social convention in this circumstance. The reason I know this, is that I have learned that that's the way life works most smoothly, with no one's feelings being ruffled.

Thinking about it though, I'm wondering Why you care what DH says about your absence, , since you won't be there. Why make a stand that you want her to know you prefer to not go?

His family, let him smooth it over, he clearly has your back.

Original poster
Shakeylegs · 15/12/2023 14:30

i’m seeing her a couple of times before this meal, and at least half a dozen more times over the Christmas period, it that makes any difference. Maybe it doesn’t and I am indeed just rude!

OP posts:
Toomuchcawfee · 15/12/2023 14:32

FinallyHere · 15/12/2023 14:30

A polite lie is the social convention in this circumstance. The reason I know this, is that I have learned that that's the way life works most smoothly, with no one's feelings being ruffled.

Thinking about it though, I'm wondering Why you care what DH says about your absence, , since you won't be there. Why make a stand that you want her to know you prefer to not go?

His family, let him smooth it over, he clearly has your back.

I agree with all of this. Either suck it up for DP, or allow him to politely make an excuse for you even if it isn’t true.

ShirleyPhallus · 15/12/2023 14:32

Of course it’s rude. Save everyone’s feelings, tell a white lie.

in MN land it’s fine to decline without any reason (“no is a complete sentence”) but in real life you’d look like an utter bellend

Middleagedmeangirls · 15/12/2023 14:32

YANBU to not want to go.

YABU to ignore your husband's advice to make up an excuse. He knows his family better than you and if he thinks that a white lie is necessary in this situation to save potential hurt feelings or misinterpretation of your motives in refusing you would be very silly to ignore him.

Tactful, social white lies are not a bad thing. They can be an indication of empathy and are a mature way to avoid inadvertent offence. Always telling the unvarnished truth is the behaviour of a toddler!

Toomuchcawfee · 15/12/2023 14:38

ShirleyPhallus · 15/12/2023 14:32

Of course it’s rude. Save everyone’s feelings, tell a white lie.

in MN land it’s fine to decline without any reason (“no is a complete sentence”) but in real life you’d look like an utter bellend

😂 true fact.

Sodndashitall · 15/12/2023 14:49

Shakeylegs · 15/12/2023 14:30

i’m seeing her a couple of times before this meal, and at least half a dozen more times over the Christmas period, it that makes any difference. Maybe it doesn’t and I am indeed just rude!

Yes it does make a difference. If it was only one or two times then it would be rude not to go. If it's one of many and really you don't want to go then just say that you're really tired but looking forward to seeing her on Tuesday or whatever. I'd not recommend lying about work as they may ask about it. Be essentially honest ie I am too tired or poor

Pugdays · 15/12/2023 15:02

I have the same issue
I don't t want to go because it's 23 Dec ,and I've to much to do ,it's to near Christmas.
I've been told I need to say I'm ill ,god knows why I can't just tell the truth,but apparently it's rude to not go .
I thought it was an invite not a summons ,but apparently not with my inlaws

Fionaville · 15/12/2023 15:04

I get you. But you should go. Given the circumstances, it would be rude not to.

TedMullins · 15/12/2023 15:09

I'm with you OP. Simply not wanting to go to something is fine and we should definitely normalise it! But if your DP wants to make excuses for you then let him crack on

jemenfous37 · 15/12/2023 15:13

Always an issue when friends/relatives return from abroad after a while!
The person returning is expecting a parade every day, and that every person they have ever known will want to spend time with them
Of course, we all get on with our lives in absence of said person, and whilst we may want to see them, it is an 'interruption'.
However, given you're seeing your sil quite regularly on this visit, I'd stick to my guns and not go😊

GMsAWinner · 15/12/2023 15:16

Unless there's someone going that you're not likely to see over xmas, understand how you feel - it just sounds like an unnecessary excuse to go out. Doesn't have to be a lie, see how you feel on the day and if you're genuinely tired, that's your reason.

Sapphire387 · 15/12/2023 15:17

Can't you just say 'sorry I can't make it' rather than 'I don't want to come'? I don't think it's rude if you are seeing her several times including beforehand. You could say you are feeling tired and rundown, isn't that basically the truth anyway?

UsingChangeofName · 15/12/2023 15:32

Of course it's rude.
It is inhospitable and implies you don't like her.

If you must be so rude, then your partner is right, at least pretend there is a good reason why you can't go.

tescocreditcard · 15/12/2023 15:33

YABU - it's just part of married life to be honest. You're his wife, not his mate, you're expected to put in an appearance at family events.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/12/2023 15:34

It's not rude to me, I would hate to feel someone HAS to see me if they would rather stay home.

YANBU.

Holly60 · 15/12/2023 16:09

Shakeylegs · 15/12/2023 14:30

i’m seeing her a couple of times before this meal, and at least half a dozen more times over the Christmas period, it that makes any difference. Maybe it doesn’t and I am indeed just rude!

The subtext will be

SIL: I like and care about you and enjoy your company so would like to have a meal out with you.

You: I don't think I will enjoy your company enough to make the effort to have dinner with you.

It's definitely rude.

AllAroundMyCat · 15/12/2023 16:11

Rude.

CaineRaine · 15/12/2023 16:15

It’s not unreasonable to feel like you can’t be bothered. But I think it’s pretty poor form not to push yourself to go given you don’t usually see her on a regular basis.

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