Just not wanting to go

[Shakeylegs]

SIL is coming home for a couple of weeks over Christmas. Lives abroad, and DP hasn’t seen her since May.

In-laws have invited us to a meal out one evening next week. I don’t particularly want to go. It’s nothing personal, but there are various minor reasons why I’d rather not. I’ll be tired after work, it’s a busy time of year, we’ll be seeing them loads at other times, and I don’t want to spend money on another meal out, at a ‘meh’ place. None of those are dealbreakers, but I just all adds up to the giant reason why I don’t want to go which is that I really can’t be arsed.

So I said this to DP, who said that a lie will have to be told about me having a late work meeting, otherwise it would be considered rude.

Would it? AIBU? Why is it rude just to not really want to go somewhere? I don’t hate them, I’d just quite like to politely decline their offer. If I invited someone out and they said no, I’d just shrug. Their wish to not go is no more or less valid than mine to go.

I’ll probably end up going now, to avoid potential rudeness or lying. But why can’t people just take ‘No thanks’ as an answer?

If he comes up with an excuse on your behalf it's a lie - no "white lie" about it. Either contact them yourself and explain honestly why you don't want to go, or go with good grace for your partner and family's sake.

Would you feel ok if you invited someone out and they simply said they didn't want to go? Would that make you feel good?

The good news OP, is that new year's is around the corner. Perhaps you can make a resolution to try to at least attempt to show kindness and care towards others? It goes a long way to making other people feel good.

I think it’s rude

Your OH wants to spend time with his sister while he can

How would you feel if roles were reversed?

It’s funny how people are so keen to consider lying to be less rude in this situation. You have bodily autonomy and should not be coerced or pressured into going anywhere you don’t want to or having to lie. At the same time, yes, people might find it rude and that’s their freedom also.

I hate going out but I would make the effort for my DH in this situation and know he would do the same for me. I personally would not be offended by someone turning down an invitation I'd extended just because they didn't fancy it/cba but I'm aware that lots of people would find that insulting so I wouldn't do it and particularly not to my DH's family.

I think it's one of those situations where a white lie prevents any ill feeling or intent that could be assumed.

I'm surprised no one has suggested you fake covid yet. It seems to be the popular tactic for people on here who are unable to deal with situations that might involve some kind of conflict. I expect those people define it as a "white lie" as well.

She's not banned him from seeing his sister at all.
She's also said she will be seeing SIL multiple times between the dates she is here and goes home, so why is it particularly rude for her to prioritise herself for one date?

You don't sound rude..you just can't be arsed.

How is turning 1 invitation down out of many when you are already quite busy showing a lack of care and kindness for other people?

You're putting DH in a shitty position if you just say you just don't want to go. He's right, you'll need a white lie

Would you think them rude if they had invited your DH but hadn’t invited you on the basis that they’d see you at other times over Christmas and you weren’t so important to them that they’d put themselves out to see you at other times as well?

If you can’t be bothered, then fair enough. Don’t go. But if they’re generally nice people, why try & make them feel shit about themselves and their hosting skills by telling the truth when a little white lie will save their feelings and avoid any issues for the future. It’s unnecessarily unkind. And it’s going to put your DH in a really awkward position.

Turning the invitation down because she can’t be bothered to go isn’t the issue. Hurting their feelings unnecessarily by telling them that there is nothing about their company or the event they have planned that could entice her to be bothered is what shows a lack of care and kindness for them.

I can’t believe that some of you aren’t getting this. I’m pretty antisocial so I totally get that part of it, but why would you hurt someone’s feelings and make things awkward for your husband if you didn’t need to?

Is it honestly hard to see how essentially saying "I can't be bothered to come and spend time with you" would cause hurt feelings? Really?

If it were me and I cared about my partner and liked his family I'd go, but I'm not the OP. If she doesn't want to go I think she should explain why not. I don't think her partner should be telling spineless lily livered lies on her behalf, but as I've said I don't have time for this concept of "white lies".

No one has asked whether the DP will take on any of the Christmas grunt work which will no doubt be waiting for the OPs hands when she gets back Maybe thats why she doesnt want to go

I think it would be incredibly rude not to go.

Would you feel ok if you invited someone out and they simply said they didn't want to go?

…yes? I’d much rather that than a very transparent lie tbh.

God almighty OP, you sound as hard work as my 16 year old.

By all means don’t go if you don’t want to, but have the good grace not to just say ‘I don’t want to come because I can’t be arsed’ and expect everyone else to deal with it and not be offended.

If nothing else, why put your husband in such an awkward position with his close family for no conceivable reason? What’s wrong with saying you’re working late? A small white lie that does no harm and spares everyone’s feelings.

But if that troubles your integrity you could certainly insist on ‘keeping it real’ and come off like a tactless arsehole instead.

She can give other truthful explanations that are less rude than "can't be arsed". If she isn't going there are ways of declining gracefully without resorting to outright lies.

It does
There's not a chance my sister in law would have gone to this for me on a work night when I lived abroad she likes early nights and is quite selfish and not that fun. You might get that rep with your in laws if you don't go but you might not care?

Thanks everyone.

Obviously I wasn’t going to actually say ‘I’m not going because I can’t be arsed’. I was going to say ‘Thanks for the invite, but I think I’ll give it a miss’.

Perhaps that is indeed so rude that a lie is required to make it seem that I’d love to go but sadly cruel fate prevents it.

But they are not hosting, they are just booking a table at a restaurant. And we will host them on Christmas Eve, be with them on Christmas Day and Boxing Day, and see them at least a few more times over the holidays. If those things were different then I’d think differently. Of course if it was a one-time only thing I’d go.

And for the person who asked if I’d be offended if the positions were reversed… Nope. People can do what they want. Invitations have both a yes and a no option attached.

I think if you'd put in the OP, all the information you put in your 2nd post, then many of us would have felt differently, but many posters on a thread will always reply to the opening post without other information that is added later.
Some replied before you posted the 2nd time, and some people open a few threads that look interesting, or are just slow typists, and, although their posts appear after your 2nd post, would still be replying to the op without seeing the 2nd post.

With the added information you gave us, then I think saying "I'm quite busy in the run up to Christmas. Do you mind if I duck out of this one, as we're all spending the time together on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day, which I'm really looking forward to? It will give you lot chance to catch up in a smaller group" is fine.

But that isn't what your opening post suggested to us all.

Absolutely fine not to go. Simple excuse ie

...... so sorry I can't make it, DH will be there, have a lovely evening, see you Tuesday ......

If they question why, ...... Work pressures ...

All of this