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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a really odd way to do gifts

114 replies

itsgoodtobehome · 15/12/2023 11:04

DH's family's way of doing Christmas gifts goes something like this:
He has a conversation with, say his brother (but can equally apply to anyone in his family). He'll ask what he wants for Christmas. Brother will say, "oh, I bought myself a new cycling jacket a couple of weeks ago, you can get me that. It was £xx." Then he will ask DH what he wants, and DH will give a similar response with a similar monetary value. So in their minds, they have sorted out each others Christmas presents without any money or gifts having actually changed hands. This routine is then repeated with every other member of the family.

IABU to find this bizarre? In my family, we actually go out and buy each other gifts, wrap them and hand them over.

YANBU - this is a very odd way to do things
YABU - this is actually very efficient, saves a lot of hassle, and ends up with the same end result

OP posts:
BodyKeepingScore · 15/12/2023 14:21

PuttingDownRoots · 15/12/2023 11:31

DH and I do this with each other. However they get given to the giver to wrap and return.

It sounds joyless but its easier than him tracking down odd books etc and me going to outdoor shops or looking at motorbike gear when I barely know one end of the bike from the other.

So you go out and choose your present, then give it to your OH to wrap and then he gives it back to you? What's the point of even wrapping them?

pinkspeakers · 15/12/2023 14:36

I guess it is just acknowledging that for some adults, exchanging Xmas presents makes no sense and everyone is happier not bothering! And making a bit of a joke out of it...

Ineedanewsofa · 15/12/2023 14:54

This is me and my DSis - she will ask what DC want for Xmas and at the same time ask “and what have I bought for you?” At which point I’ll say she’s contributed to XYZ thing that I want and she’ll tell me what I’ve bought for her. The conversation usually ends with one of us proclaiming how generous we are 🤣 we refer to it as the Sheldon method and it’s worked for us for years!

phoenixrosehere · 15/12/2023 15:03

Meh. As long as they’re happy. Not sure why it bothers some, that people do gift-giving for Christmas different than them.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 15/12/2023 15:06

pinkspeakers · 15/12/2023 14:36

I guess it is just acknowledging that for some adults, exchanging Xmas presents makes no sense and everyone is happier not bothering! And making a bit of a joke out of it...

This is spot on. Plus it saves any embarrassment when someone just doesn’t have the money to spare.

BarbaraofSeville · 15/12/2023 15:54

It's no more odd than people sending each other links saying 'buy me this for Christmas', hinting and hoping people pick up and act on the hint or (usually) wives buying their own Christmas presents then giving them to their DHs to wrap up and mentally tick off 'buy lovely gift for DW' off their to do list with no thought or effort required.

Lastexmouse · 15/12/2023 16:03

Agree its a bit bizarre. With DHs family there are a few ppl we never see - but still get presents for their DCs.. and to save the effort of actually swapping presents we agree to buy our DCs a present from them (the family we don't see) up to a certain value .

With my sibling I'll say get us a book by a certain author , or perfume, or get a bathroom set. So there's an element of surprise.

Chimpandcheese · 15/12/2023 16:33

Most of my relatives and I came to agree that it was all getting a bit silly and pointless - we’d got to a similar stage of swapping identical vouchers and giving each other the money for something we bought ourselves. So we now just buy for our own adult kids and the children in the family (up to age 18, by mutual agreement). I think gift giving, especially at Christmas, has got really out of hand, and this works for us. I do like to make more of birthdays though, and tend to do things like taking someone out for lunch, a spa day, theatre, or just flowers or nice chocolates etc depending on budget. I always appreciate it when somebody organises something for me and I can share it with someone else.

Backfromhols · 16/12/2023 00:27

No, it works for them, just go with the flow!

mumda · 16/12/2023 00:36

Brilliant.

I like to try and buy something just from me but everything else is pre agreed.

MIL always buys things. Which is why we're having a clear out of an unused chocolate fountain that's been in the loft ten years.

SD1978 · 16/12/2023 00:46

Everyone gets exactly what they want, and they don't care about having something to open. Works for them.

mondaytosunday · 16/12/2023 01:31

Yes it's odd as where's the pleasure of finding just the right gift and seeing the joy on their faces when they open it?

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 16/12/2023 01:49

@mondaytosunday think of it this way instead…

  1. the other person HAS got exactly what they want.
  2. you get the joy of knowing that they have got exactly what they want.
  3. you given them the gift of not having to use something they don’t want.
  4. no one has to be embarrassed trying to find a receipt for it to be returned. Or having to find a charity shop willing to take it.
  5. no one finds their gift ending up in a charity shop.
  6. no one has to waste precious time thinking and searching for a specific gift especially not for the awkward person who seemingly never has a hobby and so only gets socks.
  7. no one spends more than their budget allows. In fact you can buy nothing at all if that’s what you want and pay your electric bill instead!
  8. no wasted wrapping paper ending up in the bin or in the tiny recycling bag which then empties itself all over the road on bin day. Creating mess for everyone as the council no longer sweep the roads after the bin lorry.
  9. you aren’t ashamed or embarrassed that you can’t afford to gift something the recipient wants, so end up gifting something no one wants/likes.
  10. no one has to have something they don’t want in their house, for fear of offending someone.
  11. no stress all round, everyone gets and enjoys what they have.

could probably think of lots more reasons .. like no one person gets stuck with buying the gifts for everyone else in the household and beyond (usually the female) but bed is calling!

penjil · 16/12/2023 02:10

CuriousityKilledThePussy · 15/12/2023 11:43

If no money changes hands then they aren't even paying for it? So not actually buying them anything at all. Weird.
I do similar, like "I just got this if you want to buy it from me" kind of thing, but not actually paying for anything is not buying a gift surely?

Of course it is. It's just how you look at it. 😁

penjil · 16/12/2023 02:11

mondaytosunday · 16/12/2023 01:31

Yes it's odd as where's the pleasure of finding just the right gift and seeing the joy on their faces when they open it?

They obviously don't find pleasure and joy in that kind of thing.

FrozenGhost · 16/12/2023 02:57

You're over thinking it a bit OP. In other words they've agreed not to do gifts, and like to make a little joke about that by having that verbal exchange. They don't go away from the conversation seriously thinking "great, so happy with the present sis/bro got for me".

Pertinentowl · 16/12/2023 02:58

That’s the most brilliant idea I have ever heard

Passingthethyme · 16/12/2023 03:23

Weird, but kind of genius

Gowlett · 16/12/2023 03:41

We do this! Plus maybe an added surprise.

BarbaraofSeville · 16/12/2023 05:39

mondaytosunday · 16/12/2023 01:31

Yes it's odd as where's the pleasure of finding just the right gift and seeing the joy on their faces when they open it?

Lots of people find no joy in having to think of what could be the right gift and a lot of the joy is fake anyway.

Inside they're thinking it's the wrong model, colour or design and now they have to use, wear or look at it until it breaks or wears out, whether they can get away with donating, exchanging, regifting or selling it or it'll be cluttering their house up interspersed with getting it out to continue the pretence of liking it every time they're in the company of the person who gave it to them.

It makes no sense for adults with their own money to exchange gifts except perhaps token consumables between partners or very close relatives if it's wanted.

Otherwise, if people want to enjoy the experience of 'having something to open in company' then everyone should buy themselves a gift, wrap it, and then open it together where they can still talk about it, show it off to everyone else and see what others have bought. Everyone gets a gift they want, within their own budget and no time, money or resources wasted.

rickyrickygrimes · 16/12/2023 05:53

I don’t like ‘surprises gifts at all. So this would suit me just fine.. we aren’t quite there but we do always find out what the person wants and buy exactly that. Can’t bear the waste of the 50 million unwanted ‘magical surprises ’ that are down the charity shop, cluttering up a cupboard or heading to landfill by the time the tree comes down.

terraced · 16/12/2023 06:23

It would work for me.

Passingthethyme · 16/12/2023 06:29

mondaytosunday · 16/12/2023 01:31

Yes it's odd as where's the pleasure of finding just the right gift and seeing the joy on their faces when they open it?

This is true, although I think most people don't give or get gifts like this

Holidayhell22 · 16/12/2023 06:44

A relative if mine has sone this. Gone out and bought several things that they want and then said pick what you want to give me.
I’d still like to wrap the gifts rather than just transfer them the cash if that makes sense.
I always ask them for a link to what they would like as if I just guessed it probably wouldn’t be right.
My ex in-laws never, ever bought gifts we wanted. It was frustrating. So much waste. I would say to dh tell them the children would order X, Y or Z or preferably money towards X as they are older now. No it never happened they bought random stuff which ended up unused, unwanted or given to charity.

JustOneMoreBaileys · 16/12/2023 07:00

They showed how much they loved each other by asking about their cars.

In my family many of the older men do this. Eg my uncle, who is a kind, sensitive thoughtful man who will - happily - talk for hours about your mental health or relationship worries. Always starts the conversation with 'how are you finding that Tiguan?'

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