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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a really odd way to do gifts

114 replies

itsgoodtobehome · 15/12/2023 11:04

DH's family's way of doing Christmas gifts goes something like this:
He has a conversation with, say his brother (but can equally apply to anyone in his family). He'll ask what he wants for Christmas. Brother will say, "oh, I bought myself a new cycling jacket a couple of weeks ago, you can get me that. It was £xx." Then he will ask DH what he wants, and DH will give a similar response with a similar monetary value. So in their minds, they have sorted out each others Christmas presents without any money or gifts having actually changed hands. This routine is then repeated with every other member of the family.

IABU to find this bizarre? In my family, we actually go out and buy each other gifts, wrap them and hand them over.

YANBU - this is a very odd way to do things
YABU - this is actually very efficient, saves a lot of hassle, and ends up with the same end result

OP posts:
MoreChristmas · 15/12/2023 12:06

My in laws were doing this and it became ridiculous. Not entirely their fault as we went along with it.

It got to the point that if we wanted anything we'd just be told but it yourself and we'll give you the £££. We were running around delivering these gifts we'd bought ourselves and collecting them again once they were wrapped.

This year we've said no more and have said presents for all dc only. It's saved such a load of hassle and stress. Might seem a bit miserable but we were running ourselves ragged and swapping similar value items for the sake of it.

megletthesecond · 15/12/2023 12:14

I know people who do this. It seems a bit clinical but saves buying clutter people don't want.

Our family on the other hand hardly buy for adults, just a small useful item, so we probably look like right scrooges.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 15/12/2023 12:18

Yep, it what we do for birthday’s as well, no fuss, no waste, both happy.

ThatLostSock · 15/12/2023 12:20

OP, i find that a bit odd, and joyless too.

My in laws buy their own presents then give to DH to wrap and give back to them (he sends them money to cover the cost of the 'gifts'). Particularly irritating is them then opening said 'gifts' in front of us saying things like 'ooh wonder what this could be!'. It's just weird and takes all the joy out of gift giving imo.

My family tend to have 'wish lists' so if I want to gift something I know it will be wanted but they don't know for sure what they'll get. Takes the stress out of shopping but still keeps a bit of the mystery and fun around it.

princessrapunzel · 15/12/2023 12:21

Me and my brother used to put the same amount of money in a card for each other for birthdays and xmas... then we decided its pointless as we end up with the same amount so stopped. But even the card slowly faded over time and now we just text each other. I find it kind of sad as theres no real thought there anymore. But i do agree with other posters saying atleast you end up with things you want. If theyre both happy then fair enough

Lavenderandbrown · 15/12/2023 12:22

It’s transactional and joyless. I really don’t understand the logic of adults “gifting” in this way. How about no gifts??? How about just buy what you want for yourself ? You can redirect the money towards something you want and so can everyone else. On the day visit with family eat drink and be merry without gifts. Yrs ago a preschool mum hired a babysitter so she could go and buy her FIL a ladder. A ladder. It seemed to ridiculous to her that he would t just buy one for himself and I thought yep it is.

GnomeDePlume · 15/12/2023 12:25

user1486915549 · 15/12/2023 11:55

My mum banned buying Christmas presents in our large family many years ago. We each buy ourselves something we really wanted and tell the others what we got. Win win.

This was my DF's idea as well. You set a budget then everyone buys something they want to that budget, wraps it, puts it under the tree. Then on Christmas morning presents are unwrapped and everyone says 'thank you, it's exactly what I wanted' and really means it.

We didn't do it but should have.

alloalloallo · 15/12/2023 12:30

My brother and I do this.

Neither of us really want anything so we just end up buying each other stuff for the sake of it. I’m a sucker for fluffy slippers/candles/blankets/books type presents, but he’s bored of buying them for me. He likes stuff for his hobby that I don’t fully understand so we just buy what we want and have this whole pretence about buying it for each other.

It’s a slightly Christmassy way of saying let’s not bother without being outright Scrooge about it I guess.

tdino · 15/12/2023 12:30

Well it's a strange one.
I would really like a food shop done, so would my friend. So if I do mine and she does hers, can we call that a present?

But if they are happy and nobody is bothered then I guess it's up to them

Ploctopus · 15/12/2023 12:31

This isn’t gift giving at all 🤣 I agree it’s weird - fine for them to not do presents but easier to just acknowledge that that’s what is happening instead of the weird charade!

Toomuchcawfee · 15/12/2023 12:32

My parents set a budget and buy their own gifts from each other, wrap them and open them. The surprise is finding out what they bought for the other person 😂

shepherdsangeldelight · 15/12/2023 12:32

Lavenderandbrown · 15/12/2023 12:22

It’s transactional and joyless. I really don’t understand the logic of adults “gifting” in this way. How about no gifts??? How about just buy what you want for yourself ? You can redirect the money towards something you want and so can everyone else. On the day visit with family eat drink and be merry without gifts. Yrs ago a preschool mum hired a babysitter so she could go and buy her FIL a ladder. A ladder. It seemed to ridiculous to her that he would t just buy one for himself and I thought yep it is.

I ask for no gifts every year and every year (other than my DH and DC) people decide that they must buy me a gift, that I inevitably don't want and have to pretend to be grateful for whilst reiterating that it really would have been fine if they'd got me nothing.

There's something about gift giving that seems to be intrinsic in our culture as a way of showing love. So I can see that the method describes in the OP satisfies the "I'm giving you something because I care about you" whilst avoiding the need for unnecessary gift giving.

I agree that just being able to say "no gifts" would be much better :)

BoohooWoohoo · 15/12/2023 12:33

It’s odd but I guess there’s no crappy gift dilemma which is good.

TheNinjaWife · 15/12/2023 12:35

Maybe it’s a thing, but I find it odd. I accompanied a couple shopping with their one year old last Christmas.
They spent around £600 in a very short period of time. Just bought him loads of toys and clothing. I made a comment about why not put it on his Christmas list, but it transpired they were putting the purchases on a list of sorts - of various people and then assigning the cost of items to each. So aunty now owes £30, grandma £50, friend £20 etc.
They picked up one item and I said that I’d like to get that for their DS, but they insisted on me paying for it there and then and letting them take it and wrap it. I would have preferred to have got it for him and given it to him myself. Seemed very grabby and impersonal.

caringcarer · 15/12/2023 12:40

CurlewKate · 15/12/2023 11:16

I was completely thrown when I joined dp's family by two main things. They showed how much they loved each other by asking about their cars. And if you said "what would you like for Christmas?" they told you. Including the shop (this was pre Amazon) and how much it was.

My DH and his brother have these car conversations. I found it baffling tbh but now I see it's not just him then.

Sproutier · 15/12/2023 12:44

user1486915549 · 15/12/2023 11:55

My mum banned buying Christmas presents in our large family many years ago. We each buy ourselves something we really wanted and tell the others what we got. Win win.

I like this a lot!

In my head, saying no presents is each receiver giving a little gift of time, effort and money "back" to the giver. It's a nice thing if you want it to be. OP your partner's family is doing a similar sort of thing, albeit in a bit of a convoluted way.

RaininSummer · 15/12/2023 12:44

Joyless and transactional but if they are all happy no problem. I enjoy choosing gifts for my family and surprises are nice normally.

auburnglow788 · 15/12/2023 12:46

I'm assuming there's a ceiling to what each other is expected to spend?

MechyMagic · 15/12/2023 12:51

I'm going with everyone is unreasonable- it is weird but I like it! 🤣

TheChristmasElfCanGoNow · 15/12/2023 12:58

My husband likes this and over the years I have even wrapped it so I have something to unwrap Christmas morning mortally I would like to unwrap a surprise (if the contents was something I wanted). Each to their own.

tattygrl · 15/12/2023 13:29

So they're really just identifying items they've each respectively bought that cost roughly the same and assigning them as gifts from the other person, without exchanging money or any items? Very odd to me but as others have said nothing objectively wrong with it. Just seems like there's no point to it 😂

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 15/12/2023 13:43

Beyond a bit of wrapping paper, is it really that different to what a lot of people do which is send a link to the specific thing they want, the person buys it, and it gets handed over with no surprise involved at all?

pastypirate · 15/12/2023 13:50

I think it's great - I have told dp in no uncertain terms that no items should enter the house this year unless they have been requested.

HallieRaspberry · 15/12/2023 13:53

Lol my family is the same. My parents ask me to buy what me and my DH want for Xmas, get it delivered to their house and my Mum wraps it and bank transfers me the money (minus the value of anything they bought that I have been told I can gift to them). The only surprise is experienced by my Dad on Xmas day who, like everyone else knows what he is getting, but has no idea what he has supposedly bought anyone else. I find it kind of funny but my friend is horrified by the whole concept.

divinededacende · 15/12/2023 14:16

I'm confused, so the brother says "I bought this, you can get me that, it cost his much" and then NO money actually changes hands?

If so, that's a bit weird, what's the point in the conversation?

If your husband does give him the money for it then fair enough. It's still a bit odd but being odd doesn't matter as long as everyone involved comes away happy. Some people just aren't arsed with giving or receiving gifts. It sounds like the accept the social construct of gift giving but have developed their own way of avoiding the work that goes with it. Fair enough.

I love picking presents for people and I'm good at it. My DP is absolutely terrible at it so I have to just give him a list to buy from which means I haven't had a surprise in the last 5 years. Well, I have, sometimes he goes rogue and it ends up with me winning an Oscar for best fake gratitude for a jigsaw... Anyway, my point is, last year I wanted to buy a PS5 in November-ish and I ended up just letting my DP half in for it. I still got a couple of books to open up (from my list) at Christmas but it just made more sense at the time.