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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH - Christmas is for family. Aibu to want to see my friends?

101 replies

Adventcalendaraddict · 15/12/2023 08:27

I am an only child of two only children. I have no siblings, no aunts or uncles, no cousins. I just have a mum. That’s it.
I have two very close friends; one I’ve known since I was 6 so for over 35 years and the other I went to university with and lived with in my 20s. They aren’t friends with each other especially, they know each other through me but aren’t close friends.
We are godmothers to each other’s children and I would count these friends as being like family I do not have.
Id like to pop and see them next weekend, probably one Saturday evening and one maybe for a coffee Christmas Eve morning or Boxing Day.
DH is saying no, Christmas is for family.
However he has 3 siblings, about 10 aunts and uncles and many cousins, several of which he’s close to. He has 9 nieces and nephews. Over Christmas we will see a lot of his family - because there are so many of them.
For me, it’s just my mum. I don’t think he appreciates that for me these friends who I’ve known for well over half of my life have become like family to me.
AIBU?

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 15/12/2023 08:48

DH and I had this argument before our wedding when my family guest list was 1 person and his was 12. When I wanted to add aunts and uncles it took mine up to 5, he thought he should have them too and his list became bonkers.

We had strong words and he conceded.

Christmas may be for family but seeing his cousins etc is of benefit to him, not you (unless they are also friends with you). So he does all the organising and no expectation for you to attend.

Vexxa · 15/12/2023 08:50

Friends are the family you choose.

Beezknees · 15/12/2023 08:50

YANBU at all! I'm similar to you. I am going out for a meal with friends on the 23rd and then brunch with other friends on Christmas eve.

Mazuslongtoenail · 15/12/2023 08:51

Is he saying you can’t go or that he won’t go with you?

escapethemaze · 15/12/2023 08:52

waiting for the drip.

Hbh17 · 15/12/2023 08:52

You are absolutely right, OP. Friends are so important (& I would say more important than any family). Just do whatever you want, see your friends, and let your husband see his family. Then everyone is happy.

Vinrouge4 · 15/12/2023 08:54

He sounds very controlling. Don't let him dictate to you.

BrimfulOfMash · 15/12/2023 08:54

Christmas is about Goodwill to All, actually!

Why does your DH think he can create rules for who can be seen and who can’t, and about your time?

Weird to make rules about who can be seen and who can’t.

There are all sorts of arguments you could make: what if these friends were you sisters, you all have Godmother status which is especially relevant at Christmas/ makes them family … but actually though these things are arguments against his rigid thinking, the main point is he has no right to make rules about who you can and can’t see!

Namechangeforthis88 · 15/12/2023 08:55

I'm just staggered that morning of 23rd even falls into that category.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 15/12/2023 08:56

I would suggest he consider the number of hours you are choosing to be with people important to you compared with people important to him. He probably still has more hours.

QueSyrahSyrah · 15/12/2023 08:57

Tell him to fuck off and go see your friends. Like you I've got a very very small family, and also live in a community of many ex-pats so lots of us don't have any family nearby. I completely get it.

Friends can absolutely be the family you choose. Some of my friends are, or have been over the years, as close as my family or even closer.

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/12/2023 08:59

It's so hard to think of younger men being like this. Where did he get the idea that he could tell you what to do? I can't tell you whether I would just laugh at him or leave him immediately. Actually I can. ,

Soffana · 15/12/2023 08:59

My best friend is like the sister I never had. She celebrates Christmas with us.

Christmas is for the people that you are the closest to.

Your husband can't tell you what to do.

Enko · 15/12/2023 08:59

Big huge smile..

"I'm so pleased you agree with me that these are "my" family.. now whom from your family are we meeting and when do you want to pencil that in?"

And YANBU. Friends are the family we create for ourselves.

cheddercherry · 15/12/2023 09:03

I don’t get how he gets to tell you no? As if you can’t possibly decide when you see your own friends? He’s being ridiculous.

Marblessolveeverything · 15/12/2023 09:04

Firstly they are your family.

Secondly, your dh needs a very sharp reminder he does not own not control you or your choices.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/12/2023 09:05

How long is this dh-imposed Christmas isolation last op. Week either side?

I can imagine him saying this if you wanted to see them Christmas Day (even then I’d tell him to do one!) but any other day is just ridiculous

who voted for him as king of the world 🙄

museumum · 15/12/2023 09:09

I don’t even understand how you got to a place where “Dh is saying no”. ?? Are you needing him to give you a lift? Or to cancel some existing plans?
if you say “I’m going to meet Sarah for a coffee in Boxing Day” does he say “no, I won’t allow that”? Because that sounds like you are 15 and he’s your dad!!!! It’s very weird and wrong for an interaction between two equal adults.

Beansandcheesearegood · 15/12/2023 09:12

I think it doesn't matter if people think Christmas is for family or friends. The issue is you're an adult and another adult is saying no you can't do something! Honestly why would you even consider listening to him? Do you have a mutual relationship where you get to veto the others ideas/ choices?

Malificent1 · 15/12/2023 09:13

Who died and made him King of Christmas? See your chosen family. Friends like that are so important. More important than random cousins etc.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/12/2023 09:13

He is wrong. And I am always suspicious of men who don't want their wives to have a life outside their family (although it is usually just selfishness rather than anything more sinister).

ViaRia01 · 15/12/2023 09:14

He’s being a hypocrite really. If he were saying Christmas is for (nuclear)/ household family then at least I could see his point of view - he wants it to be just the two of you and your children … but if he’s seeing cousins and aunts etc., then he needs to understand that these two friends ARE your wider family. A friend you’ve known since you were six is essentially a cousin. A close friend you lived with and have known for years is like your sister. Perhaps even more so as you could have ditched them years ago if they weren’t playing an important role in your life (unlike aunts and cousins who we tend to put up with as they’re related)

SpringleDingle · 15/12/2023 09:14

Who crowned him king?

Do what you want - he is being an unkind and ignorant git. Your friends are family for you.

madeinmanc · 15/12/2023 09:15

I'm single so no man dictates to me, thank God.

Ploctopus · 15/12/2023 09:16

YANBU. Whether they are related to you by blood is far less relevant than the importance they have in your life.