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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband’s disability and parenting

136 replies

Wife2b · 15/12/2023 07:14

Husband has ME/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, it’s a chronic illness and he is registered as disabled. His ME/CFS involves exhaustion on his part, lots of napping during the day/after work when he finishes at 4.

We had a baby recently, I am on maternity leave and he is working full-time from home. Pre-baby we would nap after work, eat dinner at 9pm and go to bed at midnight. He hasn’t shifted his sleeping pattern since baby has been born, whereas I no longer nap and go to bed at 8:30/9:30 when baby does. We are like passing ships.

Since baby has been born, we have been very fortunate to have a family member stay to help with caesarean recovery, laundry etc. Family member has now gone home and honestly I’m finding it lonely and difficult to get things done as baby needs constant entertainment as she’ll cry if I put her down.

Today I told husband that I’m struggling doing everything (looking after baby, laundry, dishes, bottles etc) and asked if he could start helping out. I do all the night feeds, the laundry, etc. Only thing I ask is for him to be around and not constantly in bed so I can hand baby to him so I can do the dishwasher/bottles/tidy/shower etc and so he can have some 1:1 with baby. I do all the feeds, nappy changing, dressing, bathing etc.

He says I’m being unreasonable because I knew he had a chronic health condition before planning a baby with him. He said other single mum’s manage and he doesn’t understand why I can’t. My views are that his condition does not remove his responsibility as a father and therefore me asking him to help out periodically is not unreasonable. I’m back to my full time job soon and expect things will be tougher.

I should also say that he loves our baby so much and is great at interacting etc. He’s also having a tough time at work at the moment and is struggling with anxiety as a result. He’s a good man, there is no LTB etc.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 15/12/2023 07:16

But he’s also being unreasonable as he shouldn’t have planned a baby if he wasn’t going to do his share.

BoobsOnTheChristmasTree · 15/12/2023 07:16

Did you not discuss this before having a baby? What did you envisage his level of involvement would be?

I mean YANBU to need more from him, but if he genuinely isn't able to do it then HINBU either...

Waterlooville · 15/12/2023 07:17

It's hard to comment when I haven't had that condition but I would feel as you do. You are stressed and in discomfort, he should put himself out too.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 15/12/2023 07:17

Did you not discuss with him beforehand how you both were going to juggle/manage a baby and his disability? Does he seriously you expect you to do everything and nothing changes for him?

Almondmum · 15/12/2023 07:20

It sounds incredibly hard for you but if he's not well enough to do more then he's not well enough. There is no suggestion in your post that he's not a good husband or dad or that he's faking his illness. It's not like his life hasn't changed because he's out on the piss all the time, his life hasn't changed because he's presumably too unwell to do any more.

TomeTome · 15/12/2023 07:20

Presumably he’s applied for PIP and the money goes towards doing the housework etc he can’t manage?

romdowa · 15/12/2023 07:23

Plenty people with illnesses and disabilities manage to raise children. Some single handedly , he needs to find a new balance between managing his illness and being a father. I'm disabled myself and had to do the same, it's not easy but it can be done.
How you will get him to come to this realisation though is the bigger problem. Sounds like he really doesn't want to make an effort at all

Morred · 15/12/2023 07:24

There are two problems here: not spending any time together because of your sleep schedules; and him not pulling his weight.

You can’t ask him to stop his nap if that would cause a deterioration in his health. What does he do when he’s awake 9pm-midnight? He could spend some of that time on laundry, dishes, getting stuff ready for the next day, etc. so at least you weren’t doing everything yourself?

wildwestpioneer · 15/12/2023 07:27

Wow his reaction towards helping doesn't sound great. There are lots of things he could suggest to help. How on earth does he expect you to have a relationship with his child if he never spends any time with them? Plus what happens when you. Go back to work? Are you expected to do all the child rearing, housework and work?

I know he has a disability, but his attitude stinks! Did he inform you that you'd be a single parent when you were ttc?

He does know it takes two people to have a baby and I'm presuming he agreed to having unprotected sex and understands what happens when he does that?

Whatapickle23 · 15/12/2023 07:27

He's not going to change and you're not going to leave so I guess you just accept that this is your life now. Could you get a cleaner, pay for babysitters, etc to give yourself a break?

It was always going to be difficult having a baby with someone whose disability means they struggle to get through the day as it is. On top of all of that, he sees the baby as your sole responsibility so he doesn't parent at all. You might as well have had a baby with a sperm donor.

Did you have a conversation before pregnancy about how he would manage having a baby alongside his disability?

GreatGateauxsby · 15/12/2023 07:30

He says I’m being unreasonable because I knew he had a chronic health condition before planning a baby with him.

In the year(ish) leading up to birth what did you discuss/agree?

The notion there is NO change for him is laughable but apparently how he sees it as the baby is "yours". Equally however, you had a baby with a heavily disabled man, you aren't going to get the same level of support as other women might.

Can you afford mothers helper and night nanny (cost ranges from £10-15 ph)

Fifteenflowers · 15/12/2023 07:31

I have ME, ASD, ADHD and EDS.

My dh knew it would be a struggle for me to have dc and promised of I did he would give up work, I wasn’t working anyway. So when we had our dc he gave up as promised.

Your dh is likely more exhausted as he is working as well, I’m sure if he could do more he would , can he cut down his hours a bit (does he claim PIP etc or could you get some UC to cover that drop in wages?)

limefrog · 15/12/2023 07:31

My DH has a similar condition, OP, although we don't have children.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel the way you do.

However, having the understanding I do of chronic fatigue, I know that there are times when people just cannot function normally.

It's not a choice like the poster about saying 'he should put himself out too' - it's not that straightforward. There are times when he will need to collapse.

But I also don't think the whole 'you knew I had a health condition before planning a baby with me' washes, to be honest. He knew he head a health condition too, but he still had a baby. It doesn't really absolve him of responsibility and it is a really unfair way of speaking to you. Chances are that neither of you knew how much work it would actually be, as often happens to new parents. You couldn't truly foresee what it would be like.

So whilst I understand his health issue, I think he could definitely empathise with you more and shouldn't be speaking to you like that.

At the end of the day you need to problem solve together and work as a team - that's part of being a couple/ parents - he needs to try and help think of solutions rather than just saying 'no'.

Could your family member give any more help? Any friends or any chance of employing someone? Or maybe could he just do an hour a day at a set time to allow you to do a couple of things, then it might not feel so overwhelming?

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 15/12/2023 07:31

TomeTome · 15/12/2023 07:20

Presumably he’s applied for PIP and the money goes towards doing the housework etc he can’t manage?

This. The pip is to help where the disability hinders, it can be a cleaner, laundrette, what ever you both need.

Hoppymclimpy · 15/12/2023 07:31

Oh OP, it sounds incredibly tough. I'm the disabled one and have CF as well as other physical disabilities....but I actually feel its incredibly unfair of your DH to throw the 'you knew what you were getting into' card at you. There must be some tasks he could do in advance that would help? I do feel shifting the sleep pattern is totally reasonable to request and I sleep a lot x
As for me, I ended up being a single Mum from when DD turned 8 so it was all down to me anyway....very hard at times but as a parent it's our responsibility xx

Spencer0220 · 15/12/2023 07:33

Morred · 15/12/2023 07:24

There are two problems here: not spending any time together because of your sleep schedules; and him not pulling his weight.

You can’t ask him to stop his nap if that would cause a deterioration in his health. What does he do when he’s awake 9pm-midnight? He could spend some of that time on laundry, dishes, getting stuff ready for the next day, etc. so at least you weren’t doing everything yourself?

This.

Also, how much did you really discuss before getting pregnant? I ask, because my understanding is that your husband should have at least realised that he probably couldn't do much more than he already is.

My DH and I are in a similar position. We had a long conversation early on in our relationship and agreed that pursuing parenthood was not a good idea for us.

YABU if you did have this conversation, and still expected him to change.

That said, if he could manage more, he should be. Even if it's a gradual increase

Sodndashitall · 15/12/2023 07:35

If he was clear what he was able to do for the baby pre baby then YABU. It sounds like you need a big conversation about stuff though as now is hard work with nights etc but kids do demand a lot of energy and if he can't support that then you need to work out where you'll get the support from. As PP have suggested cleaners, mothers help etc may be options here

Thepissinglady · 15/12/2023 07:38

It's the attitude that stinks to be honest the fact that he asked you how "other single parents cope". I hope you reminded him that your not a single parent. He can't help his disability but to make no attempt to change anything at all sounds like he's making excuses to do absolutely nothing.

TreacleMines · 15/12/2023 07:39

Morred · 15/12/2023 07:24

There are two problems here: not spending any time together because of your sleep schedules; and him not pulling his weight.

You can’t ask him to stop his nap if that would cause a deterioration in his health. What does he do when he’s awake 9pm-midnight? He could spend some of that time on laundry, dishes, getting stuff ready for the next day, etc. so at least you weren’t doing everything yourself?

If he has M.E, then it’s quite possible he CANT use his time to do that.

@Wife2b its impossible to know whether you are being unreasonable because we don’t know how ill your husband is. M.E is an extremely variable illness. He could absolutely be at full capacity since he is working full time, or he could be taking the piss…

you say he is a good man and loves your daughter, which implies he isn’t likely to be taking the piss.

I have it and I haven’t been able to work at all for 10 years, use a wheelchair and some days I can’t feed myself (as in I can’t lift a fork to my mouth).

Can you outsource some stuff? Get a cleaner? Send the laundry out? Get a nanny?

Poppasocks · 15/12/2023 07:44

It amazes me how when women have these illnesses they always seem to manage!

Darkenergy · 15/12/2023 07:45

Whilst it's understandable you are finding things hard you are being extremely unreasonable (and ablest) to expect your husband to magically do more, he has a disability and you knew that before you conceived. Getting angry with him isn't the solution here.

HamsterBanana · 15/12/2023 07:46

I have chronic fatigue, Ehlers danlos syndrome, low immune system, etc etc etc etc I have to get up and look after both my disabled children.
Your husband is being extremely unreasonable. It's not a free pass not to parent!

Sirzy · 15/12/2023 07:51

Can he change his work to make it easier?

realistically these discussions should have been had before deciding to have a child. Something obviously needs to change but I don’t think it’s as simple as you’re suggesting.

Aozora13 · 15/12/2023 07:52

I have long Covid/chronic fatigue and my dad has ME/CFS. It is awful. I think the important thing is that you understand someone’s limitations but also feel like they are trying their best, even if sometimes their best is just existing. My DH probably does more than 50% at home a lot of the time, but I do as much as I can when I can. It sounds like your DH is using his condition as an excuse to opt out of family life completely and I would not be cool with that.

PinkPlantCase · 15/12/2023 07:53

Tbh I’m impressed that your DH is able to work full time.

If he’s anxious about his job then maybe he’s worried that if he does more around the house/with baby then he will have less energy available for work and will be worse at his job/unable to work.

Life functions with a delicate balance with a chronic illness. You never really know at what point doing more will make you bed bound for a week/month.

The first thing I’d tackle is schedules meaning you don’t get to spend any time together.

What does he do at weekends? Is there scope for him to share some of the load then.

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