Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband’s disability and parenting

136 replies

Wife2b · 15/12/2023 07:14

Husband has ME/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, it’s a chronic illness and he is registered as disabled. His ME/CFS involves exhaustion on his part, lots of napping during the day/after work when he finishes at 4.

We had a baby recently, I am on maternity leave and he is working full-time from home. Pre-baby we would nap after work, eat dinner at 9pm and go to bed at midnight. He hasn’t shifted his sleeping pattern since baby has been born, whereas I no longer nap and go to bed at 8:30/9:30 when baby does. We are like passing ships.

Since baby has been born, we have been very fortunate to have a family member stay to help with caesarean recovery, laundry etc. Family member has now gone home and honestly I’m finding it lonely and difficult to get things done as baby needs constant entertainment as she’ll cry if I put her down.

Today I told husband that I’m struggling doing everything (looking after baby, laundry, dishes, bottles etc) and asked if he could start helping out. I do all the night feeds, the laundry, etc. Only thing I ask is for him to be around and not constantly in bed so I can hand baby to him so I can do the dishwasher/bottles/tidy/shower etc and so he can have some 1:1 with baby. I do all the feeds, nappy changing, dressing, bathing etc.

He says I’m being unreasonable because I knew he had a chronic health condition before planning a baby with him. He said other single mum’s manage and he doesn’t understand why I can’t. My views are that his condition does not remove his responsibility as a father and therefore me asking him to help out periodically is not unreasonable. I’m back to my full time job soon and expect things will be tougher.

I should also say that he loves our baby so much and is great at interacting etc. He’s also having a tough time at work at the moment and is struggling with anxiety as a result. He’s a good man, there is no LTB etc.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Flopsythebunny · 15/12/2023 08:51

Fifteenflowers · 15/12/2023 07:31

I have ME, ASD, ADHD and EDS.

My dh knew it would be a struggle for me to have dc and promised of I did he would give up work, I wasn’t working anyway. So when we had our dc he gave up as promised.

Your dh is likely more exhausted as he is working as well, I’m sure if he could do more he would , can he cut down his hours a bit (does he claim PIP etc or could you get some UC to cover that drop in wages?)

If neither of you are working, how do you support yourselves?

Fifteenflowers · 15/12/2023 08:56

Flopsythebunny · 15/12/2023 08:51

If neither of you are working, how do you support yourselves?

Show quote history

UC - I get pip so get IC and dh is my carer so no requirement to work under UC

family help out too with money

Stilldigging · 15/12/2023 08:56

Well it sounds like he has made his position very clear, he considers you a single parent, and in his view the baby is not his responsibility. That comment alone says it all really. I don't think he is going to change. Your choice is put up with it or not. If you did split up I wonder if he would expect to have any contact with the baby, or would it remain 100% your responsibility then too?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/12/2023 09:01

Poppasocks · 15/12/2023 07:44

It amazes me how when women have these illnesses they always seem to manage!

I have horrific CFS. I don’t manage. I get PIP which pays for cleaners etc.

feinghold · 15/12/2023 09:04

I have CFS and I couldn't cope with looking after a baby and a ft job on top. I gave up work when I got pg and can only cope with looking after the baby by minimising other tasks. So cleaning gets done by a cleaner, groceries and other shopping online and brought in by DH, laundry collected and delivered clean to our house. Trips out are only done when DH can come with me and sometimes looking after baby means having them cosleep with me while we nap. It is just the reality of having a debilitating illness and I do get enhanced rate PIP and new style ESA to help pay for the expenses. Your DH should look into what benefits he could be entitled to especially if he reduced his hours as that would mean a better work life balance and he could get UC to top up.

LIZS · 15/12/2023 09:08

What are your childcare plans? Not aure either of you is being unreasonable. The extent of his illness seems pretty debilitating and he is working, but that should not stop him holding the baby or helping out all the time. You may need to find ways of involving him, like a changing mat and nappies being easily accessible where he sits, he can watch the baby under a play-gym if he is awake, sort a basket of washing seated etc

Pigeonqueen · 15/12/2023 09:10

MsRosley · 15/12/2023 08:50

So when do you get to go to a match (or whatever you enjoy), a drink with friends, etc? Do you deserve to have a life, OP?

Your DH is completely taking the piss. If he can work FT and go to a football match, then he can reorganise his priorities and help you out a bit.

Show quote history

Yep this.

He’s able to work and go out for the day to a football match. He’s able to help out more. He just doesn’t want to.

WaitingForMojo · 15/12/2023 09:15

Not sure what you mean by ‘registered as disabled’ - do you mean that he claims pip? In which case the money can be used to buy in some help for you?

Has your FH had support from the CFS team re pacing etc?

I think he probably can’t manage work AND home. He might have to pick one, or reduce his hours significantly.

rookiemere · 15/12/2023 09:18

People need to read the updates.

He has enough energy to go off for an entire weekend day of 8 hrs to watch football. I would certainly object to that OP. No new parent should be swanning off for that amount of time, especially if he isn't able to do any active parenting the rest of the time because of chronic illness.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 15/12/2023 09:18

He plainly never sees the baby, from your timings, so I can't see why yore sure he loves her.

craniol · 15/12/2023 09:20

I’ve been you in this situation. Talking about it beforehand is irrelevant. You have NO idea what it’s like to have a baby before they are born. It’s so much harder physically and emotionally.

I found it very, very tough. I was resentful and I almost have PTSD from that time. It’s so lonely and frustrating. I was taking the baby out on my own every weekend.

Things came to a head and basically he had to step up and do more or the marriage was over. I am sympathetic to his disabilities but I cannot be mother and scivvy to everybody.

LIZS · 15/12/2023 09:20

Yes had missed the football. Although presumably this is not every weekend and fatigue dependant. Op, do you get time out at all?

Bluevelvetsofa · 15/12/2023 09:21

He’s working until 4, sleeping until 9, then awake in the early hours playing on the phone. Perhaps his body clock is badly adjusted now.

Someone who is able to hold down a full time job, travel several hours to watch a football match for ninety minutes and has been playing several sports should be able to take on some basic chores and baby care. Maybe if he could avoid sleeping between 4 and 9, he would be able to sleep in the early hours.

Excited101 · 15/12/2023 09:31

He’s taking the piss op. He needs to cut his post work nap down, or out then go to bed early maybe 9:30/10. You’d have time together and do more shared parenting.

NameChangeAgain23 · 15/12/2023 09:31

Reading your update I think he is taking the absolute piss!
if he can go out for the day for 8 hours he can do more for his family
if he is awake early hours playing with his phone cos it sounds like he doesn’t need such a long nap in the early evening
Sounds more like he likes his routine and doesn’t want to change anything to me!

HamsterBanana · 15/12/2023 09:36

Sounds like he's picking and choosing when he's disabled and when he's not.

If he can go to a 8 hour football match, he can do some housework/help with the baby!

He's a user.

GreatGateauxsby · 15/12/2023 09:37

Eg he has just said he is off to the football match tomorrow - that will have him away from the house for about 8 hours as it’s not local.

You should have a problem with this.
He is choosing to use the bandwidth he does have selfishly on himself and "fun treat stuff" Vs using it to support your recovery from surgery and his newborn....

And if he is up pissing about on his phone at 3.45 in the morning I am not convinced he needs the 5-9 "nap" which is a full nights sleep for many parents of young children

wudubelieveit · 15/12/2023 09:46

OP@Wife2b is he under the CFS service? i have very long term CFS and unfortunately parenthood took me from being able to work part time to being unable to work at all and being chronically very ill, i'm now on a long path back to improving my function. He DOES need help NOW as from your updates he isn't managing his CFS optimally however you need to have a think about moving this forwards...in his mind he is contributing by bringing in a wage. People with CFS can become very rigid in their thinking as you become driven by trying to manage/avoid exacerbation of your symptoms. He sounds like he has been very unhealthy in how he has pushed himself in the past and it takes a big shift of mindset to approach things differently, I am only managing it now after many years.

lechatnoir · 15/12/2023 09:47

NameChangeAgain23 · 15/12/2023 09:31

Reading your update I think he is taking the absolute piss!
if he can go out for the day for 8 hours he can do more for his family
if he is awake early hours playing with his phone cos it sounds like he doesn’t need such a long nap in the early evening
Sounds more like he likes his routine and doesn’t want to change anything to me!

100% this

maltichi · 15/12/2023 09:53

I often wake in the early hours to find him playing on his phone as he can’t sleep

Forgive my potential ignorance but I don't understand this. If he needs to sleep after work in order to function, how is it that he then can't sleep until the early hours of the morning? Has he tried to cut down his naps? Surely if he NEEDS the extra sleep, then he would be able to go to sleep at a reasonable hour?

His comment about other single mums is really unfair. Yes the majority of single mums manage, some don't. Even some women with supportive partners don't manage. Nobody knows how they will cope with a baby until they have one, regardless of what you agreed previously. You are doing everything, so you cannot do anymore. You are struggling, he should willing to try different things to help. If it's too much for him, then he can let you know but he won't know that for sure unless he tries.

HamsterBanana · 15/12/2023 09:55

maltichi · 15/12/2023 09:53

I often wake in the early hours to find him playing on his phone as he can’t sleep

Forgive my potential ignorance but I don't understand this. If he needs to sleep after work in order to function, how is it that he then can't sleep until the early hours of the morning? Has he tried to cut down his naps? Surely if he NEEDS the extra sleep, then he would be able to go to sleep at a reasonable hour?

His comment about other single mums is really unfair. Yes the majority of single mums manage, some don't. Even some women with supportive partners don't manage. Nobody knows how they will cope with a baby until they have one, regardless of what you agreed previously. You are doing everything, so you cannot do anymore. You are struggling, he should willing to try different things to help. If it's too much for him, then he can let you know but he won't know that for sure unless he tries.

This.

He clearly doesn't need the extra sleep if he's struggling to fall asleep!

Therealjudgejudy · 15/12/2023 09:56

He likend you to a single mother.

That's how he sees you

Fifteenflowers · 15/12/2023 10:00

maltichi · 15/12/2023 09:53

I often wake in the early hours to find him playing on his phone as he can’t sleep

Forgive my potential ignorance but I don't understand this. If he needs to sleep after work in order to function, how is it that he then can't sleep until the early hours of the morning? Has he tried to cut down his naps? Surely if he NEEDS the extra sleep, then he would be able to go to sleep at a reasonable hour?

His comment about other single mums is really unfair. Yes the majority of single mums manage, some don't. Even some women with supportive partners don't manage. Nobody knows how they will cope with a baby until they have one, regardless of what you agreed previously. You are doing everything, so you cannot do anymore. You are struggling, he should willing to try different things to help. If it's too much for him, then he can let you know but he won't know that for sure unless he tries.

Insomnia can be a problem with ME as well as exhaustion

Rainallnight · 15/12/2023 10:00

Poppasocks · 15/12/2023 07:44

It amazes me how when women have these illnesses they always seem to manage!

This.

If he had the energy for the shag he presumably got to make the baby, he’s got the energy to put a load of laundry on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2023 10:00

You should strongly considering LTB. You’re not a single parent so if that’s how he sees you, and the baby as a fun occasional extra in his life, so leave him and claim maintenance and pay for help. Your approach is confusing. You know he’s taking the piss which is why you’ve posted, you bring up the football match as evidence he’s taking the piss then say you don’t mind. You should mind. He had no business agreeing to a baby if he’s not going to change anything about his life to actually care for the baby.